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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 27/05/2013 13:32

Oh for goodness sake. You wouldn't say he's going to granny's house. You'd say he's going to a family get together. And obviously if he'd missed lots of other training sessions, he might have to miss the family meal. If he hadnt missed any training then he can miss one for the annual family meal.

Just use some common sense.

PearlyWhites · 27/05/2013 13:38

Yabu and selfish

PearlyWhites · 27/05/2013 13:39

Also just think if it like Christmas that us actually on the same day every year too

Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 13:39

Going to granny's house / family get together is the same thing, surely? Confused

I think the cricket stuff is a bit diverting, tbh. It only came up because I was accused of being psychic when I said that some dates are more likely than others to clash with other events in the future. Having taken on board the majority view on here that a fixed date is easier to plan around, it would be good if we could have a fixed date that is less likely to cause a recurring problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 13:41

We don't have fixed plans for every Christmas, Pearly, we make plans from one year to the next depending on what is going on, what leave we are taking, who has just had a baby etc.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 27/05/2013 13:42

WorrySigh has summed it up!

It's the 'Tradition' thing I dislike because then it becomes a chore and you get grief if you can't go.

When DH & I got together, we fell into a routine of having Sunday Dinner at the inlaws. When after a little while I expressed a preference to have my meal without his entourage, they were all horrified (I didn't actually use the word entourage to them, btw).

Needless to say, we never go for Sunday Dinner now - and that's fine by me.

alpinemeadow · 27/05/2013 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArthurCucumber · 27/05/2013 13:58

I married into a close-knit Scottish family. Great-Grandad, when alive, liked to host an annual "Gathering", which was what he wanted to call it despite it being just a big family meal in a function room, or a garden party.

I wasn't keen, not having been part of a large or close-knit family myself, and I find many members of dh's extended family very annoying (although I loved Great-Grandad). But I wouldn't have thought of keeping away, because I understood that it wasn't all about me and what I wanted. In fact, I used it a bit to my advantage because, having attended on a regular designated day, it got me out of having to go along on other visits. And we knew when it was coming so could plan in advance.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 27/05/2013 14:05

But isnt some of the problem of a fixed date is that it becomes a fixed 'thing'?

If it is in the summer then for many households it becomes fixed as a barbecue and before you know it Great Aunt Maud is doing her 'special salad' which no one eats and an annual swingball challenge is thrown down with hysterical consequences.

Varying it means that traditions dont form. Sometimes everyone is there, sometimes it is smaller. There are fewer expectations. It is also easier to keep going as boyfriends/girlfriends appear, relatives get older, new generations arrive.

Dare I mention the 'bum slap dance' if you ever want a warning from Hell about family traditions.

ArthurCucumber · 27/05/2013 14:11

Bum Slap Dance?!

Seriously, I'm on the fence here, especially if it keeps my bum out of slapping range. I don't get the big family thing, but in my case the fact they had a regular "do" helped to contain things a bit. The tradition died with Great-Grandad anyway. I definitely missed him much more than his "Gathering" but hell, it kept him happy.

NeedToMoan · 27/05/2013 14:12

Oh just go with it. Yes, it's annoying and possibly dull for you, but it keeps everyone happy and it's nice to look at the photos in years to come. If you make it into an issue, it becomes an issue, if you don't and keep your head down, then it's one out of 365 days of the year.

Horsemad · 27/05/2013 14:17

Please please tell us about the 'Bum Slap Dance' Grin

NeedToMoan · 27/05/2013 14:20

We used to ride the kids bikes with trays and beer cans on our heads at our family bbqs. My dad's not here anymore but he was very much the ringleader. Even if you don't find these things funny at the time, they are years later.

Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 14:21

We need to know about the dance, WorrySigh!

OP posts:
NeedToMoan · 27/05/2013 14:22

ps I think calling it Family Day is a little bit your mil's way of showing it's HER family but let it go. Mine has announced she wants to go away with HER family this year. ie her hub and two sons (one of which is my hub). lol. I have no words.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 27/05/2013 14:25

the bum slap dance thread

Proof that that the only difference between a tragedy and a farce is a pair of trousers.

prissyenglisharriviste · 27/05/2013 14:28

I know lots of kids who miss fixtures and events for family reunions. It's pretty much accepted in the same way as some people (gasp) do book family holidays in the summer.

I did spend a few years believing that my children's activities should receive priority over that sort of frivolity (holidays, reunions, great aunt Bessie's birthday, my parent's diamond wedding party etc) but thankfully for all, I'm over that now.

Yes, I really did drive for three hours after a 7yos mid day dance performance to get to my parents' anniversary party. Now that all three are old enough to have such important clashes (!) I realise that, really, the kids' activities aren't that unmissable. It's about perspective. However much you instil into them about making a commitment and keeping your promises etc. and I run a whole shitload of youth activities and understand fully that not all the kids will be available for each of the activities that I spend hundreds of hours planning.

These days our family reunions cost us about £5000 to attend, as we emigrated. We did make it back last year for mil's 70th. We are still paying off the credit card that we put the flights on.

If I was in the UK, it would be a no-brainer.

A once a year family day? Bring it on.

Horsemad · 27/05/2013 14:56

Well to be frank, I'd rather sit all day in pouring rain watching my DC playing footy than attend a Family Day at the inlaws!

No contest.

DontmindifIdo · 27/05/2013 18:30

oh god I forgot all about the bumslapdance thread! Thank you thank you thank you for the reminder how wonderful in comparassion my PIL are!

OP - can you show the bum slap dance thread to your DH and make him promise Family Day will never get like that????

(Could you suggest Family Day is some time round October? It's a dull month without much interesting stuff happening. Maybe near the October half term?)

WorrySighWorrySigh · 27/05/2013 19:39

I can see how this thread could go:

OP - YABU Family Day is lovely. Lots of new traditions ..... rinse and repeat 150 times

Posters then read the bum slap dance thread:

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

no, no, no OP YANBU save yourselves, never, ever risk the bum slap dance

The horror! The horror!

FionaJT · 27/05/2013 20:26

I love family get togethers, and indeed frequently organise them, but I am with the OP in not liking this idea. I'm not big on rigid Christmas traditions or any of that kind of stuff. Things change, what is appropriate for a couple of years won't always be right for everyone and setting things in stone is just laying the foundations for resentments and falling out. (And I do have a far flung extended family who manage to see each other regularly and enjoy it!)

FryOneFatManic · 27/05/2013 20:51

I think the OP's idea of suggesting that the fixed date is shifted to avoid some potential clashes is a good one. If she and her DH are likely to get grief for non-attendance, than surely a date they are more likely to be able to attend is better?

FWIW, a family day involving mum's family would always have been fine for me, but a family day centered on dad's family would have been my idea of hell. We have absolutely nothing in common with them, and even my dad jokes that he's the "white sheep" of the family.

persimmon · 27/05/2013 20:53

We do the same thing. It's nice. We all live far away from each other and don't see each other very much. Plus my parents are old..

Would it bother you if it was your mum arranging it?

elQuintoConyo · 27/05/2013 21:18

Your DP, her son, doesn't want to go either. So... don't go. Easy peasey lemon squeezey

FariesDoExist · 27/05/2013 22:15

Its nice to get family members together but naming the occasion and setting a date like that (for every year) just makes it so stuffy and formal and controlling. I don't know why your MIL needs to name it. It's almost like 'let's get family day over with' IYKWIM?

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