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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 27/05/2013 07:03

7 am and both my boys have crawled into our bed in the last hour, I love my family more than anything. It's a perfect morning.

Makes me so sad to think that one day they might not bother with dh and I or that they will marry someone who will begrudge us one family day a year. Hopefully we will raise them to have better family values. You are being nasty, get over yourself.

cozietoesie · 27/05/2013 07:03

We have a Family Day every year. It's during the Festive Season and isn't actually called that (but who cares much about a name) and has become one of the points of our calendar.

I really don't mind. Particularly because what I've found is that as they've got older, the youngsters really like it, even though they 'officially' moan sometimes. They can catch up with their cousins, talk to all the relatives and I think it gives them a good feeling of security. It also requires little in the way of preparation - lots of hot or cold nibbles and soft drinks usually does it.

I'd relax about the whole thing if I were you. If your MIL enjoys it - then why not? There are plenty worse family duties that you could be subject to if you see it as such.

cozietoesie · 27/05/2013 07:06

PS - that would be soft drinks for the youngsters. Harder liquor for the non-driving adults is usually arranged these days.

Grin
MeiMeiMeiMei · 27/05/2013 07:06

OP - it won't be long before the professional MIL haters find this thread and start ranting on about what an entitled bitch your MIL is, how dare she want to impede on your time now you have Your Own Family and you should slap her down blah blah

So before this happens, please accept that YABU, obligation is not a bad thing once a year, throw yourself into the spirit of Family Day Wink and make your MIL happy.

exoticfruits · 27/05/2013 07:08

The fact that she hasn't linked it to her birthday - it just stands alone- makes her sound lovely. I'm sure that if something came up like a wedding and you had to miss she would understand- otherwise I can't see your problem at all.

perplexedpirate · 27/05/2013 07:11

You're lucky it's only once a year. Mil is obsessed with 'getting the family together' and arranges days out and parties with astonishing regularity.
I absolutely can't abide forced fun, but used to attend as she has a way of issuing an invitation that feels like a summons. Thanks to good old MN, I am now confident enough to do the old 'no is a complete sentence' and let DH deal with the fall out.
Unfortunately there is an unavoidable one next Sunday. I'm hoping to snide off early whilst nobody is looking.

DontmindifIdo · 27/05/2013 07:12

I think while it's a lovely idea, it does depend on your MIL's attitude, will it be ok if say, next year you want to go away that weekend or have another event, will she be happy to move her big day or just sulk that you aren't going?

If it's more of a movable event, then go along with it. However - I can see these making of traditions, while nice at the time, can be a problem if you want to ever break the mould - so while it's great when all the DCs are small,when they are older and have sports they'll have to miss, or are off at uni, or suddenly MIL isn't up for hosting it anymore but it can't be cancelled now because it's tradition and suddenly it becomes someone else's 'job' that they didn't want in the first place.

On the bright side, she's not picked mothers day or fathers day for her event or hopefully not a bank holiday weekend. And your DH is obviously not fussed enough so that if say next year it doesn't work for you, he'll be happy to back you up with not going.

seeker · 27/05/2013 07:12

Oh I hate these annual obligations- so constraining!

That's why I have told my children that there is no way I am committing to celebrating their birthdays on the same day every year- we lead busy lives and there's a lot going on- how can I be sure I can be free on that day a whole year in advance?

exoticfruits · 27/05/2013 07:18

I hope that you realise, perplexedpirate that your attitude rubs off on your DCs and once they have left home they are likely to feel the same way as you, especially when they have patprtners. Much better to have a free and easy attitude and accept an extended family and enjoy it- they will see it as the norm.

exoticfruits · 27/05/2013 07:18

Don't know what happened there! partners

Jinsei · 27/05/2013 07:21

We have a big family party every september. The date isn't fixed, but tbh it would be a l easier to plan around if we did fix it. I think it's a lovely idea.

ExcuseTypos · 27/05/2013 07:25

My DH's side have a Family Party every year. We've been going for over 20 years and its means DDs keep in touch with lots of second cousins who they would probably never meet, unless this party was held.

Suck it up is my advise, its great for your dc and its one day a year.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 27/05/2013 07:27

MIL's family used to do this, until several key players had major rows over minor issues and stopped talking to one another

I rather miss it TBH - DH's extended family is huge, and we have struggled to keep in touch with them all since.

hermioneweasley · 27/05/2013 07:27

Phew, was reading OP thinking I'd gone mad. Agree with the others, it's a lovely idea. I am sure you can give your DH's family one day a year.

Dilidali · 27/05/2013 07:30

Ha, every Sunday is Family Day in my household. I have a very small family here and although this is a tradition where I come from, and I struggled for years to help them get over the 'shock', I would not let this one go. They thought I was odd in the begining, now is ingrained and goes without saying, they even get together if I am not there.
Yes, we have Sundays when we're seeing friends, when I take a day to myself with my best friend, when my DD goes to a party. But 90% of the time we get together on a Sunday even if it is just for a slice of shop bought cake and a coffee, a piece of cheese with some bread and olives, days out etc, my little family is there.
It might seem overbearing to some, but it works wonders, I promise. The elderly feel included and cared for, the kids roam about, the adults get to sit down around a table and talk. I honestly don't see what the problem is.

So one day a year is not much, it is fixed so everybody can book it .

cozietoesie · 27/05/2013 07:34

You ought to get them back together again CharlotteBronteSaurus. A nice bit of drama (who has fallen out with whom) can be the making of a family!

Grin
WynkenBlynkenandNod · 27/05/2013 07:34

Ok the name is a bit cheesy. But we've been trying to get DH's family together for years, my DC have never met their 6 cousins and DD is 14. As frustrating as you perceive the obligation to be when you're on the opposite end of the spectrum it sucks a bit. No one has fallen out it's just his brothers and sister seem to have been indifferent for years until BIL rang last week to suggest a get together this summer (fingers crossed on that one)

Stick it in the diary . Yes as the DCs get older they will have more commitments but one day a year will not hurt.

perplexedpirate · 27/05/2013 07:35

Exotic, I don't want an extended family. I don't really see the point of putting a load of people with nothing in common in a room and expecting them to enjoy it.
If DS didn't want to come to any functions I organise in future I would never be so rude as to kick up the kind of stink she does. He's not a passport to my future social life.
I must admit at this point that my side of the family is so small we could hold a reunion in a phone box, so all these cousins, aunts, uncles etc are a bit alien to me. From what I've seen though, they always seem to be falling out, moving in, moving out, making up and generally causing constant drama, which I just can't stand. Then there's the children running about, undisciplined and screaming. Hmm
Nope, not for me. I do buy good presents though. I hope that makes up for it in some small way.

LaLaGordon · 27/05/2013 07:36

I think I can see where you are coming from OP. Rather than get you all together and ask you if this is something you want to commit to, your MIL has simply tried to force this tradition as a fait accompli.

However, I think you should understand why she might want to do that. Like many grandparents she is probably worried about not having the chance to see all her grandchildren, especially as they get older, have various other commitments on weekends, etc.

I think you should get on board with Family Day and make sure she is reassured. The advantage of that over 'Grandma's birthday get-together' is that you can all have ownership, rather than the day be about only what she wants.

FredFredGeorge · 27/05/2013 07:43

YABVU, You don't have to go, if you can't make it, don't go, if you can, go, I don't get why "the Family Day will be on X, as usual" is a summons, it's just a statement of when it is... specifically not chasing everyone to get a date when they can commit to being free is the relaxed, we don't care if you come but this is when it is way of inviting people.

Going once, you're not signing up for life at all...

PrincessOfChina · 27/05/2013 07:44

I could understand if you had a wedding or holiday or some such event to attend on the same day. You're just so busy you can't possibly spend one day per year with your husband's extended family.

Get over yourself.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 27/05/2013 07:50

I understand your feelings about being railroaded into something that she is trying to make into a fixture, thereby committing you for the rest of her life.

However:

  1. It's only once a year. Many DILs have to do this once a month or once a week.
  2. As someone pointed out above, it's not as though she's expecting you to host it.
  3. The fixed weekend will actually lead to less stress and fewer arguments in the long run.

I didn't catch how old your DCs are, but once they are teenagers they might not always be able or willing to go anyway.

Peacocklady · 27/05/2013 07:56

YABU. it makes sense to have a fixed date; prevents hours of ringing round. How on earth can things like this be spontaneous? I feel quite sorry and upset for your MIL who's put in a lot of effort to do this. It's clearly not important to you.

MulberryJane · 27/05/2013 07:56

I think you're hoping (secretly) that you'll be able to be 'busy' when she tries to arrange it, that way you won't feel so guilty when your kids miss it too as they'll be busy doing something else. If its on the same weekend each year then there's no excuse not to go. I have a similar thought process and my initial reaction to most things is 'no', just because we're already so busy.

However, it's important to make time for family and MIL is asking for one weekend which she would like to give you lots of notice about. I think you're going to have to schedule it in, plaster on a smile and be nice :).

ZacharyQuack · 27/05/2013 08:03

Perhaps it will take the pressure off Christmas? Lots of families feel an obligation to get together with either/both sets of grandparents at Christmas time, but now you have an "out" with the ILs.

"Oh we're having Christmas with my parents/in the Maldives/at home by ourselves this year, but it's so lovely to be able to all get together every year on Family Day".

Or you could amuse yourself by going all Ned Flanders on their ass and call it FamDamDamily Day.

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