For not wanting to go to his parents at Christmas because of stupid traditions they have

(253 Posts)
LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 10:29:31

DP and I have been going through a rough time lately to the point where I honestly thought it was over and was assuming I'd be single by the new year. We've recently (in the past week) decided to try and work things out.

Problem is we have been invited around to his parents (again) on Christmas day. We get invited every year and I hate it but this year I was rather excited at the prospect of not having to go.

However because DP and I are on dodgy ground and we're supposed to be trying to please each other right now, I kind of feel obliged but I really don't want to go. They have the most stupid, odd traditions like the bum slap dance and acorn throwing and it's just bloody ridiculous. I don't mind a bit of fun but this shit always goes too far, ends up with someone going off in a mood and makes me want to tear my own eyes out.

AIBU to tell DP I really don't want to go or will it jeapordise our relationship? sad

Sounds to me like the ideal time to make fresh starts in lots of areas, and ditching the weird Christmas is a good one to start with...

Seriously, I would imagine from an uninformed pov that the point of the exercise is to iron out crinkles in your relationship and this sounds like one.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom Fri 02-Dec-11 10:32:43

Do you care either way? Do you want to placate/please him sufficiently to spend the day with his parents? Or are you past caring and would rather end up precipitating The Big Fight that might end your relationship rather than go to his parents?
Do you really WANT to stay with a man whose family are arses?

Grumpla Fri 02-Dec-11 10:33:54

I'm afraid I need FAR more information about "The Bum Slap Dance" and "Acorn Throwing" before I can decide grin

kidsinamerica Fri 02-Dec-11 10:34:49

we're supposed to be trying to please each other right now, I kind of feel obliged

You're trying to please each other? By doing it all his way? This is only going to please him right?

You need to talk - you need compromise.

YANBU to discuss this with him.

LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 10:37:55

The thing is his family have been the root of many arguments we've had in the past. The last time we all went out for a meal in a nice chinese place his nephew and mother ended up wrestling on the floor, lots of screaming, loud laughing etc, everyone was looking at us. I pulled a sickie just to leave the place and we ended up having a huge row about it when we got home. Everything just descends into anarchy with them yet it's always "me" being a snob/unreasonable etc and this is what is always causing the arguments. Part of our "lets try and work this out" talk involved me saying I'd be more tolerant of his family sad

MerylStrop Fri 02-Dec-11 10:38:42

I can't think of anything worse than the Christmas you describe, except the Christmas you describe whilst trying to get my relationship back on track AND try not to let the cracks show.

Mixed metaphors a-go-go

Does DP want to go?

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas Fri 02-Dec-11 10:40:32

Stick with plan A and be single by the new year grin

squeakytoy Fri 02-Dec-11 10:40:39

Ah, they are the sort of family that everyone else in the place has to suffer... loud, embarassing, and irritating.


MerylStrop Fri 02-Dec-11 10:41:29

Ok,last sentence of your last post
You've answered your own question
Grin and bear it

Trills Fri 02-Dec-11 10:42:06

Does he think it is fun and want to go and join in with all this?

YANBU to not like it.

YABU (perhaps) to be in a relationship with someone who has such different ideas of "fun" and "acceptable public behaviour" as you do

LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 10:43:05

Yes he really wants to go. Last year's christmas day involved a game of monopoly which descended into DP's 10 year old DN getting too excited, tipping the board over and then everyone dived in and started chucking the pieces at each other. Remember how heavy those little metal monopoly pieces are? Someone got hurt (a piece hit the huge labrador dog in the eye, it bolted and knocked one of the younger kids flying, she hit her head up the table and then an argument started over how the dog was a menace and should be kept outside on christmas day. Personally I thought me and the dog were on the same wavelength, we'd both rather be locked out in the garden).

Ragwort Fri 02-Dec-11 10:43:44

By compromising you are accepting that this will be the way you and DP celebrate Christmas/birthdays etc etc for the rest of your life.

Is this really how you want to live?

TheRhubarb Fri 02-Dec-11 10:44:40

You married him, not his family. Why do you go to his family every Christmas? What about yours?

This is about you and him, not his family. You can accept that his family are the way they are but you don't have to go along with it. That is unreasonable.

I would say to him that your marriage is already under strain and to spend another Christmas with his family would put it under even further strain. You can go, but you may have to leave early, the atmosphere would be tense and it would lead to rows - simply because you are not that kind of person and never will be - or you can miss out this Christmas, which leaves him to enjoy it without worrying about you and you also get to breathe a sigh of relief.

Thing is, if you are not part of the family and not really that kind of person, then it's unreasonable of them to expect you to join in. If he insists that you do, then I'd tell him to fuck off. Seriously.

Yes you can tolerate his family and perhaps make a compromise which involves spending Christmas every other year with his family. I think you could be a lot more tolerant of them if you knew that next year you didn't have to put up with this. As for the meal, well they sound like an embarrassing bunch but yes, you probably just have to grin and bear it at times like that. So long as they aren't demanding that you join in the wrestling! Make it very clear that you simply don't want to join in their stupid traditions because after all, acceptance works both ways and they'll jolly well have to accept you for who you are too.

His nephew and mother were wrestling on the floor of a restaurant? shock. A group of grown adults thought it was a giggle to chuck monopoly pieces at each other to the extent that a child and a dog were hurt? Yet you are supposed to be the one making the effort to be more tolerant of them? Sod that for a laugh.

coraltoes Fri 02-Dec-11 10:47:15

I hate monopoly....much prefer his family's approach!!

Now what the hell is acorn throwing and the bum slap dance?

ViviPrudolf Fri 02-Dec-11 10:47:44


The The Bum Slap Dance and Acorn Throwing sound like an almighty wheeze and infinitely preferable to the annual traditions at my PiLs, these being (among others) "Take it in turns around the table to solemnly pop one's party popper", or "Wait 2 hours between each ritual opening of the quality street tin for one's opportunity to select one chocolate before passing the tin onto the next person" or my personal fave "Guess how long until MiL gets in an almighty unwarranted strop over something as trivial as sharing round the left over French stick with the cheeseboard instead of the intended crackers she supplied". Shit going too far would be a welcome diversion, frankly.

In all seriousness though, I utterly sympathise with the abject horror of xmas @ the PiLs. Under your circumstances I'd try and get into a calm discussion with DP about the best way to get your fragile relationship through Christmas together. He may well conclude himself that spending it at his parents would not be wise.

LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 10:51:19

They decorate their tree with acorns and then after lunch they pull them all off and chuck them at each other. Someone ALWAYS get's injured in this (last year it was me resulting in a 15 minute sulk in the mucky bathroom). That's acorn throwing.

The bum-slap-dance goes on ALL day and they all find it hilarious. Starts as soon as you go in when FIL slaps the arse of anyone entering (including the blokes). Then the kids run around slapping everyone's arse (even the dog resulting in yet another mad run around whilst it gets over excited and starts attacking people) and then later it's a case of a card game resulting in one person becoming the slapped and all the kids do this stupid bum slap dance thing on them. I always refuse to take part in this but it doesn't stop me getting slapped.

You're making it up now... grin

LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 10:54:15

I wish I was making it up! honestly I have some of it on camera. Last year a 10 year old lad was wrapped up in cellotape with stuff stuck to him. I have a photo of it.

grovel Fri 02-Dec-11 10:56:35

The bum slap dance presumably is a reference to the bum slap the midwife gave the baby Jesus on the first Christmas Day.

LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 10:57:46

pmsl @ grovel

I can see how it seems unbelievable. It took me a few years to believe what I was seeing.

Do they drink? confused

LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 10:58:57

Funnily enough they don't drink much Gwen, the only one that does is DP's brother but he doesn't get involved and stays up in his room for most of the day as he can't stand the mess and noise.

eatingdust Fri 02-Dec-11 10:59:24

So, their Christmas traditions involve people being assaulted.

And your dh thinks that's reasonable?

Show him this thread! Do you have children? Is this how you want them to be brought up?

squeakytoy Fri 02-Dec-11 10:59:47

It sounds like chaos... are they all obsessed with fighting and throwing things at each other.. confused

TheRhubarb Fri 02-Dec-11 11:00:04

Video it all and put it on YouTube.

It's the least they deserve!

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh Fri 02-Dec-11 11:00:21

Oh my God ! grin

No, I wouldn't go.

It's not just you who should be looking at things and seeing where compromises can be made and tolerance shown.

What would you do if you stayed at home with DP ? What are the other options ?
Good luck ! smile

coraltoes Fri 02-Dec-11 11:01:30

They sound a hoot!! Can I come? grin

montmartre Fri 02-Dec-11 11:04:51

Acorn throwing is intriguing... I have a lot of acorns hanging around from autumn, and I was looking for christmassy inspiration for something to do with them! grin

loopylou6 Fri 02-Dec-11 11:05:06

I'm sorry but I simply do not believe you.grin

CandyCaner Fri 02-Dec-11 11:05:33

They sound bloody hilarious in a 'laugh at them, not with them' type way. Are they generally a bit mental, or is it just Christmas that brings out the bum-slapping and acorn-throwing? grin

If he goes along with this then i would have serious doubts, unless that is what you want for your children.

Alternatively most supermarkets have Baileys on offer, you can buy two litres for the same as what usually a bottle sells for.

tigermoll Fri 02-Dec-11 11:07:33

Although personally I would find the Bum Slap Dance preferable to going to Church (family tradition in my house) I can see why this would be a fecking nightmare.

I think you are well within your rights not to go. Just don't do it. Go and see your own family, or even have a lovely adult christmas. Use the time to think about your r/ship with your DP and whether it might continue. There is no rule that says you HAVE to be together over christmas.

SantasENormaSnob Fri 02-Dec-11 11:08:14

Oh god it's sounds dreadful.

Need to know more about the wrestling incident. How the fuck did that happen?

LizzieMo Fri 02-Dec-11 11:08:25

OP I can barely see to type my eyes are streaming from the hysterical laughter!!!! Bum slap dance- classic!! They do sound bonkers!! (I thought my lot were bad) Do you have children? If not, you do realise they may well inherit the bum slap gene and then it will frankly never stop. I would think hard about if you actually want to be with this man!!! Although his family are providing huge comic value on MN (but we don't have to live with it!!!)

senua Fri 02-Dec-11 11:09:19

Can you come to a compromise: show your face for a few hours and then leave?

Or what about introducing new traditions - like taking the poor dog for a very long walk.

Otherwise: video the madness and stick it on Utube for the rest of us to enjoy. Or write a book about them and make millions!

omaoma Fri 02-Dec-11 11:10:23

it's possible for families to have wildly differing ideas of what 'fun' is and both be right.
it's not always possible to be in a relationship where this is the case though. only cure is for both partners to find some more tolerance of each other's characters and compromise. that's compromise from BOTH partners by the way. if neither of you can do this it's not going to make the next 20 - 40 years easy.
is it only when he's with his family that your partner condones/behaves in a way you find depressing and alarming? if so a compromise might be that you just don't go except at exceptional events (eg wedding) and partner agrees to decrease the frequency of visits.
agree that when your relationship is particularly fragile is not a good time for adding what you both know is a stressful event. isn't this the perfect time to try and do things just as a family, if you've almost been splitting up? if your partner insists then it sounds like he prioritises his family above your relationship - which might be your answer to whether this is worth saving.

SantasENormaSnob Fri 02-Dec-11 11:11:56

How about buying some throwing knives for after dinner entertainment?

Aim right and it could solve all your problems wink

LadyBeagleBaublesAndBells Fri 02-Dec-11 11:12:43

I can't stop laughing at this thread, OP, sorry if you're being serious.

LambofGod Fri 02-Dec-11 11:13:18

Are you married? Any DCs? 40++ and trying for a baby?

I wouldn't bother to hang around otherwise.

GooKingWenceslas Fri 02-Dec-11 11:14:17

I am PMSL imagining your cat's bum face.

Down a bottle of Baileys and join in. From the sounds of it, you'd be able to get away with punching at least one of them in the chops, just in the spirit of Christmas, if it all gets too much grin

LifeOfKate Fri 02-Dec-11 11:17:52

Your PIL sound ace grin
Mine are lovely but a little boring in comparison, I would LOVE to see MIL wrestling on the floor of a restaurant... <wanders off pondering how to introduce acorn throwing this year>

LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 11:21:00

The very first time I met DP's mum - we walked into her house and DP hid behind the door. I asked what he was doing and he told me to "shush". I watched on with utter disbelief when his mum walked in and DP dived on her, grabbed her in a headlock and pulled her to the floor. She reacted by punching him 3 times in the ribs and then got up and asked if I wanted a cup of tea.

Now I realise this may seem unrealistic to you all, I appreciate that - honestly I do because when I first met him, I couldn't believe the shenanigans either. Over time I have got used to it but still, I remember when it didn't seem normal.

I have known them for over 12 years. The stupid thing is I love his mum dearly - on her own she's fine. Still a little mad but tolerable but when they're all together it's absolute bedlam.

We're not married.

See another thing is that DP is recovering from an operation right now so shouldn't be doing all this stuff anyway.

i would LOVE to see the bumslapdance video. Its youtube time OP. grin

theworldaccordingtome Fri 02-Dec-11 11:22:41

This is actually hillarious!! muust .... stop .... laughing!!

TheRhubarb Fri 02-Dec-11 11:23:53

Seriously? Convince me that you are for real because I'm having a hard time going along with this now!

His family sound like they need therapy. Their only way of showing affection has been in this semi-aggressive way. Smacks of 'Meet the Fockers' doesn't it?

If you are for real, then this is THEIR problem, not yours. You can accept them just fine so long as it's behind padded walls.

Really though, you could make a fortune videoing their antics for YouTube - this could be a whole new career for you!

QuietNinjaMincepie Fri 02-Dec-11 11:24:17

I would not be able to cope with this at all. Christmas day should be eating food then slogging on the sofa. Sounds way too energetic for my liking. Why should you be more tolerant of his family when they are not more tolerant of your choice not to join in all the 'fun'

QuietNinjaMincepie Fri 02-Dec-11 11:25:11

Aargh slobbing on the sofa!

ChristieF Fri 02-Dec-11 11:25:26

You could go but just refuse to take part in stuff you don't want to. I always refused to play charades with my late in-laws. They can't make you do what you refuse to do. Put your foot down

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh Fri 02-Dec-11 11:25:31

Agree with LambofGod

Keep thinking about whether this man is the right partner for you.

Moving on, though tough, might be a better option smile

cookingfat Fri 02-Dec-11 11:25:48

Sounds a lot more fun than my pil.

But Yanbu.

Mandy2003 Fri 02-Dec-11 11:26:45

"Are you there Moriarty?"

Good luck with whatever you choose to do OP!

Teeb Fri 02-Dec-11 11:27:18

What would you actually like to be doing with your Christmas this year? Could you suggest that with DP?

Oh, on a vaguely helpful note, i would book a holiday away somewhere over christmas to spend some time together. I dont think i could do xmas at their house, but if you HAVE to, i would tak the other posters advice and take the dog out for a very long walk, around the bumslpping card game time!

QuintessentialyFestive Fri 02-Dec-11 11:30:20

You dont need to spend Chrstmas with them. You dont need to spend Christmas with either of them, ever again, if you just make the adult decision and call it quits with this husband of yours asap.

What a bunch of morons.

mummylin Fri 02-Dec-11 11:30:22

I would like precise instructions on how to do the slap bum dance is it a slap to the right ,a slap to the left a slap to the face then you shake it all about grin

Anniegetyourgun Fri 02-Dec-11 11:33:50

It's just a slap to the left
And then a slap to the ri-i-i--i-ight
Slap your hands on their hips
And pull their knees in tight...

LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 11:34:11

I know it sounds funny but it's really stressing me out sad I know it's going to cause yet another argument and I don't know how to deal with it. He lost his dad recently too (mil is remarried) so is already stressing about family christmas time and how important it is. My family are away this christmas so I can't use that as an excuse. Can't take the dog for a walk for a number of reasons (it has a lot of illnesses and is impossible to control). Looks like I'm just going to have to go. The house is tiny though so it's impossible to sit away from all the madness. No room is safe, the kids even invaded the bathroom for the past 3 years running - water everywhere, toilet seat broken (again), curtains pulled down- lots of screaming from MIL - urgh sad

MonaLotte Fri 02-Dec-11 11:35:52

You should go upstairs and hide with DP's brother. He seems to have the right idea!

gramercy Fri 02-Dec-11 11:35:55

Ha ha! This sounds hilarious. At least they sound cheerful .

Nevertheless, other people's family traditions are, not matter if they're the Royal Family or the Royle Family, absolutely awful . Our family used to enjoy playing games (murder in the dark/sardines/treasure hunts). My brother-in-law so detested playing these that one Christmas he got up and went to the airport after lunch. I don't think any planes were taking off and I don't know where he was going...

OP - don't dump your other half until you have gathered more material and photographic evidence of your pil's Christmas festivities!

WoTmania Fri 02-Dec-11 11:37:38

Maybe agree to go this year but insist it's on the condition that next year you decide.

Clownsarescary Fri 02-Dec-11 11:38:24

OP please tell me you're making this up. I'd rather have teeth pulled than be with people like that. If its all true I feel for you, I do. I think I'd end it rather than suffer it. sad

LittleEmanuel Fri 02-Dec-11 11:39:54

See it's not just the danger of getting hurt that bothers me (acorn in the mouth, monolopy piece in the eye, flattened by a raging dog etc) but it's the essential needs that become difficult too. If the kids take over the bathroom again, I can't go to toilet (the rest of them do because they don't care about standing in puddles of water and jam the door shut with an old towel when the kids have pulled it off its hinges!). I just sit there getting more and more pissed off and needing a massive wee.

I would put up the celotape photo but it has the lad's face clearly in it!

omaoma Fri 02-Dec-11 11:46:22

i don't see why you HAVE to go. by the sounds of it you have done what your partner wanted every year so far? doesn't that show that you care for him and he must know you don't like it but do it anyway. do you get your own way in every other aspect of the relationship?

i get that he wants to see his family because his dad had died. is there really no way he will compromise to staying somewhere near by and going over for a few hours on xmas day? (do you have any cash to allow for this?)

if he really won't even consider that i think you have a serious problem about power imbalance and /or compatibility in the relationship.

i wonder also this has become a bit of a 'prove you love me' issue for both of you, because things have been going badly. in that case, you need to address that asap and verbalise the problem because being miserable to 'prove' you love somebody (for either of you) is not a recipe for success.

Your FIL slaps your arse? He would be getting a slap round the face in return from me.

minipie Fri 02-Dec-11 11:56:46

What does your DP think about these traditions/kids' behaviour? Does he enjoy them?

If he doesn't enjoy them then I think you are on better ground. Could you propose a compromise to him which is that you will go to his family for Christmas but the two of you will disappear for a long (2 hour) walk in the afternoon when all the boisterous games/fighting starts? or disappear to the kitchen to do the washing up together, or something like that?

If he enjoys them and thinks you are being too fussy then I think you are probably on different wavelengths altogether sad

HattiFattner Fri 02-Dec-11 12:00:51

They sound ike great fun, but I can see that if your relationship is really strained, then their weird ways will just annoy and irritate, because you will be projecting your anger and annoyance at DP at his family.

So....make sure the family know that after last year, you do not want any acorns thrown in your direction. Nor do you want anyone slapping your arse. Tell them you feel most uncomfortable with their bizarre family traditions, and while you dont want to spoil their fun, you do not wish to participate and could they please respect your wishes.

Have a code word with your DP whenever you feel he is not respecting your wishes or considering your feelings.

AFter lunch, grab your DP and your coat and insist that he accompany you for a walk. ANd no chidren. If DP doesn't go out for a stroll with you, then you have your answer. Likewise if he doesn't guard the loo when you need a wee.

Make sure you tell him this in advance.

Id also consider taking a boozy hipflask with you on your walk, so the return is more bearable!

TheRhubarb Fri 02-Dec-11 12:02:12


It's honestly not worth it. You go every friggin' Christmas for crying out loud! If he wants to leave you over this trivial matter then let him, whilst you have a lovely Christmas and New Year chilling and watching TV.

springydaffs Fri 02-Dec-11 12:04:47

I'm really sorry to be laughing so much but OP, your stories are hilarious! They sound like the Fockers.

I think you have to work out if there is anything malevolent in the way they behave. If not... then I think you have to be honest and say this just isn't your idea of fun, you don't enjoy it, it makes you (very) miserable, you dread it. If you do go this year, get a bit pissed and go with the flow - but, for future reference, make it clear that each to their own but this behaviour is odd and eccentric (at the very least) and you shouldn't be expected to go along with it every year. Are you expected to be there the whole day ? If so you could reach a compromise and stay only part of the day - he has to compromise too! He has to appreciate that not everyone is into that way of celebrating (understatement!) and you're not a killjoy to not like it. I'm a great one for games and having raucous fun but even I'd find this challenging.


Ghoulwithadragontattoo Fri 02-Dec-11 12:12:40

Yes you have to think the bum slapping dance is just fil's way of copping a feel of your behind and any other dils. I would avoid this like the plague. I think if his family are at the root of a lot of your relationship problems you need to give them a wide birth. Both to stay married and stay sane.

Could you and DH stay at home on Xmas day and he could pop round for an hour on Xmas morning while you're far too busy cooking to go? ;)

Ghoulwithadragontattoo Fri 02-Dec-11 12:12:41

Yes you have to think the bum slapping dance is just fil's way of copping a feel of your behind and any other dils. I would avoid this like the plague. I think if his family are at the root of a lot of your relationship problems you need to give them a wide birth. Both to stay married and stay sane.

Could you and DH stay at home on Xmas day and he could pop round for an hour on Xmas morning while you're far too busy cooking to go? ;)

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee Fri 02-Dec-11 12:20:50

Do you have children? I can't make it out from your OP.

If not, I'd say walk away from this relationship now as it doesn't appear to me as though your and your DP's fundamental values are similar enough to make a long-term relationship viable.

It's possible to be precious and snobby about stupid and trivial things, such as whether someone says 'lounge' or 'settee'. But it's also possible to have different feelings about acceptable behaviour that can't be reasoned away as snobbery or being precious.

Objecting to a family setup that descends into food fights, shrieking, minor injuries and mayhem I think falls into the latter category. That's not snobbery, that's a different value system. In the long term, you and your DP will find this difference more and more divisive, and in the end it'll split you up.

If you've got children, then perhaps you need to consider more seriously, but if you don't yet I'd say spare yourselves (and any future DC) a load of heartache and stop trying to 'make a go of it' as it's unlikely to work.

senua Fri 02-Dec-11 12:24:41

Which FIL does the bum-slap. Is it recently-deceased or MIL's DHnumber2?
Is DH#2 fully on board with this or is he aghast too (i.e. potential ally) Are there any other married-ins who feel the same as you?

wellthatsdoneit Fri 02-Dec-11 12:25:54

Hell is other people's families.

It sounds excruciating OP and I really do feel for you. I'm willing to bet you get the occasional glance of unrepressed glee in your direction too from them which says "Isn't this MARVELLOUS!! Aren't we having the BEST FUN!!! Isn't our family just THE BEST!!!!" which will make you want to tear your tongue out as well as your eyeballs.

My H's uncle used to have a very merry jape at gatherings of ripping the tags out of people's pants - the ones you were wearing so there would be a resultant massive wedgie. He never did it to me. They thought I was odd/repressed/neurotic (and I fucking was by the end of my time with them) and I think he was too scared. My H is my soon-to-be-ex-H now by the way.

maras2 Fri 02-Dec-11 12:34:57

Holy God.They sound like something from Viz.Are they Geordies by any chance.No disrespect intended but I keep picturing Biffa Bacon and family.

Merrin Fri 02-Dec-11 12:41:44

If it wernt for the relationship problems I would suggest you try to out do them! Slap them all round the face as you arrive wearing antlers bedecked with acorns which you then aim as FIL through out the day, painfully and when he is least expecting it.

Merrin Fri 02-Dec-11 12:47:43

If anyone complains you can say 'where's your sense of humour?'

gramercy Fri 02-Dec-11 12:52:04

Just spat out coffee upon reading about the uncle giving people wedgies.

These Christmases sound so much fun . Tell you what, OP, I'll take your dp and go to his Christmas, and you can come here and entertain my mil who has senile dementia and whose sole topic of conversation at the moment is her bowel habits and how good her "Tena pants" are.

KateMiddIeton Fri 02-Dec-11 12:53:49

It sounds like it's only you compromising. TBH after the first year I would not have been back.

Do they have some sort of issue that prevents them from talking and displaying physical affection and instead prefer to beat each other?

waterlego Fri 02-Dec-11 13:00:22

LOL @ Merrin's suggestion.

OP, your ILs sounds fucking irritating, tbh. I'm all for a few games at Christmas but not all that nonsense.

Not sure what I'd do in your shoes. Just go for a couple of hours maybe?

MrsMuddyPuddles Fri 02-Dec-11 13:01:15

You'd be unreasonable NOT to talk to "D"P about this. Start the conversation with "I am an unrepentant snob (or whatever it is he calls you) and that's not going to change"-- because it's true. You are a perfectly sensible person who doesn't like a bit eternal of roughhousing. His family (and he?) aren't like that. If THEY can't compromise (eg lock you in the garden with the dog since you can't take it out, for instance?), then you just aren't compatable.

droves Fri 02-Dec-11 13:01:43

shock hide upstairs with dps brother and a large bottle of wine , take a straw so you dont have to venture downstairs to ask for a wineglass....

...but that doesnt help the bathroom problem that will be made worse by loads of wine drinking.

...i know ! take two bottles you get that pissed you wont care if the loo has a door or not ! grin

OhdearNigel Fri 02-Dec-11 13:03:15

It sounds most bizarre and hilarious, I will go instead if you like.

Why not just loosen up a bit and go with the flow ? Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself. If it's only your in laws there it's not as if you're going to show yourself up, is it ? [caveat - play fighting in a restaurant is another kettle of fish]

Heleninahandcart Fri 02-Dec-11 13:03:23

I've been thinking of all the sitcoms on every tv channel in the hope that this is some kind of wind up. No, no one would believe it

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and suggest you go. You can't win this one as the cards are stacked against you, even though YANBU. Apparently you are meant to be more tolerant of his wierdo family.

You are not going to have the great Christmas at home that you would like if you don't as it will never measure up to your DP's idea of the perfect family Christmas. Result, one of you stomping off.

Go, either join in or sit back and view it with slight detachment and ask yourself if this is what you want to be part of. I think you may get some clarity and choose to stomp off for good.

Pandemoniaa Fri 02-Dec-11 13:05:35

I've got to say that, on the face of it, I would have readily exchanged the terminal boredom that used to be Christmas at my former PIL's house. The slow process of too many meals, too much unfunny television and excruciating lack of any sort of conversation was only enlivened by my FIL also getting bored and winding up MIL over trivialities like the gravy.

But....I actually know that I couldn't tolerate the sort of Bear Garden of a Christmas that the OP describes. Which is hilarious to read but I'd find equally hideous to endure. We're a very convivial extended family but horrendous physicality and house trashing is firmly OFF the agenda. It'd do my head in to have to tolerate even one day's worth of Acorn Throwing, and that's before we contemplate the Arse Slap Dance so I think I'd find almost any excuse to cut the visit down if it were not possible to cut it out.

Have to say that I always used a combination of dogs and children to cope with Christmas with former PIL. All of them regularly required walking and it was easy to disappear for hours on end.

I guess, OP, it all depends on just how much of a deal breaker Christmas is with the ILs. If you and your DP are working at putting your relationship on a firmer footing then he, too, needs to compromise and accept that you find a whole day chucking acorns and small metal objects, sending large dogs beserk and avoiding wedgies would try the patience of a saint.

OhdearNigel Fri 02-Dec-11 13:05:52

And you do realise that you're the ghost at the feast, don't you ? That they all probably laugh at you behind your back for being po-faced and Hyacinth Bucket

boschy Fri 02-Dec-11 13:08:04

Am I in a parallel universe or something?? do people REALLY do this kind of stuff??

<hides behind sofa sobbing>

ExitPursuedBySanta Fri 02-Dec-11 13:10:28

I am at work and have had to sit here shaking with silent mirth. They sound hilarious but can understand your reservations.

I suppose it depends on how much you love him. I'd go with suggestion that you get drunk with his brother.

7/10 OP - v amusing smile

Leave him

OhdearNigel Fri 02-Dec-11 13:12:36

I may take some acorns to SILs for the usual family crimbo this year. It will be more entertaining than listening to DH, SIL, BIL and FIL all arguing.

SageMist Fri 02-Dec-11 13:14:09

No man is worth this, surely.

BalloonSlayer Fri 02-Dec-11 13:14:27

Did anyone else read Brave New World at school? The bum slap dance sounds like the Community Singing.

When I opened this thread I thought it was going to be that you got made to play charades (like at my ex in-laws). Now that was a resounding YANBU to want to duck out of!

YABU - I am going to introduce Acorn Throwing at my parents this year grin

Insomnia11 Fri 02-Dec-11 13:18:36

I think I'd be already practicing my aim for the Monopoly piece/acorn throwing. Then on the day when it all kicks off, ensure that there are as many injuries as possible to the in-laws, preferably resulting in a trip to A&E for the main instigator. Then you can achieve a triple whammy of being able to go home, them reconsidering their view of 'entertainment' and with any luck, never being invited again.

ViviPrudolf Fri 02-Dec-11 13:19:18

Pandemoniaa, Are you my DP's ex?! confused (see my earlier post in this thread for cross-referencing purposes!)

Kladdkaka Fri 02-Dec-11 13:19:56

OP, I think we may be related. I haven't been round my family's for Christmas for years because of this sort of chaos. My last time was the year someone bought my (adult) brothers rapid fire spud guns as presents. That was fun hmm

Get0rf Fri 02-Dec-11 13:20:12

How can people say that this sounds fun? They sounds like complete morons, the types that insist on telling you how whacky they are - 'I'm mad, me'.

It sounds like Shameless.

I wouldn't go. Sod that.

OhdearNigel Fri 02-Dec-11 13:20:51

I am curious to know just how much damage could be inflicted by a flying acorn. Unless it hits you in the eye it can't do much, they're only tiny.

As for the house getting trashed, well, it's not your house to worry about - if MIL is perfectly happy with her shower curtain being pulled down and stuff getting damaged who are you to moan ?

Luminescence Fri 02-Dec-11 13:22:54

Brilliant grin

Pandemoniaa Fri 02-Dec-11 13:24:24

ViviPrudolf - I think we must have an extended family in common! Even if they are so extended as to be unrelated! Funnily enough, ex-MIL always got most stressed over the so-called supper and usually it was a mysterious lack of Ritz crackers that kicked it off!

ImperialBlether Fri 02-Dec-11 13:34:42

Oh god I'm at work - my students are sitting a mock exam - and I can't stop laughing.

OP, I'm going to report you if you add anything to this thread!

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee Fri 02-Dec-11 13:40:37

Has the OP given any more detail about what this acorn throwing actually involves? Am creasing myself reading this thread between bits and bobs at work so am worried I've missed a crucial detail grin

ViviPrudolf Fri 02-Dec-11 13:43:59

Pande grin arf @ ritz crackers

5Foot5 Fri 02-Dec-11 13:44:58

Hmm! I came on this thread thinking YWBU as I like the fact that families build up their own weird little traditions. Also I find it hard to envisage how anyone could get hurt by a flying acorn as they are only wee.

However, the scene you describe in the restaurant sounds appalling. There is no way in the world I would want to be linked to a family who thought this sort of public behaviour was acceptable. If that makes me a snob then I couldn't care less.

Omg run, run like the wind

samandi Fri 02-Dec-11 13:53:05

However because DP and I are on dodgy ground and we're supposed to be trying to please each other right now

Presuming this is a real situation, he should be trying to please you too. I wouldn't go back after the first time because it sounds stupid.

Get0rf Fri 02-Dec-11 13:53:12

I think there is a middle ground between acorn throwing and bum slaps and what seems like Norma Major's christmas with the achingly polite quality street selection.

It's called NORMAL. You don't have to be a complete whack job to have fun.

Why would you let your kids take a door off a hinge and rip down a shower curtain.

I would have to sit in the shed with a bottle of vodka if I had to go there.

hackmum Fri 02-Dec-11 13:55:03

Am crying with laughter but wonder if the OP is making it up. It's all too good to be true.

If it is true, I suggest you invent a new game called "Punching FiL in the eye every time he bum slaps someone."

Trills Fri 02-Dec-11 13:55:18

If you haven't - do not marry or have children with someone who enjoys this stuff.

I could be polite and put up with it one Christmas in three (his parents, your parents, at home) if I was with someone who also saw it as something to put up with. If he thinks this is all good fun then run run run like the wind.

InfiniteFairylights Fri 02-Dec-11 13:56:44

Maybe you are actually just incompatible. I can't imagine that I would want his family as in-laws, I certainly wouldn't want them as Grandparents etc to my kids. If that makes me a snob, so be it!

NewShooz Fri 02-Dec-11 14:01:07

This reminds me of the family in one of the Police academy films, where he takes his new girlfriend to meet his parents, and she has to stand and watch him and his Father beating the hell out of each other because it's such good fun grin

NunTheWiser Fri 02-Dec-11 14:01:10

Don't go. Tell your DP that you hope he has a wonderful time and that you're looking forward to seeing him on Boxing Day.

Blu Fri 02-Dec-11 14:02:07

I was going to suggest you invite them to play 'Are you there, Moriarty?' too.

Tell your DP that you will be equipping yourself with squirty something or other and every time Step-FIL attempts to slap your arse he will get a squirt right in the eye.

If I had a family like this (and they are not always far off) , I think I would be able to appreciate that not everyone finds it fun, ad plan an escape hatch of some sort. And definitley tell them to restrict the bum slap dance to kids and dirty old men. Separately, of course.

ViviPrudolf Fri 02-Dec-11 14:03:59

Agreed Get0rf. I did initially joke that the OP's PiLs scenario would be welcome relief from Christmas with Hyacinth & Victor but as she embellishes the picture, I'm thinking it would be equally as unpleasant in the madhouse.

33goingon64 Fri 02-Dec-11 14:04:49

If he was as keen to work things out as you are, he would have the balls to tell his family that you and he are staying at yours this Xmas for some quality time as a couple. Whether they know about the problems you are having or not, they ought to respect that. If he refuses to do this... I honestly think you are better off without him.

AntiqueAnteater Fri 02-Dec-11 14:08:25

Ha ha! This sounds hilarious. At least they sound cheerful .

this. tbh you sound a bit cats bummy OP

ViviPrudolf Fri 02-Dec-11 14:14:24

Enjoying your adjectivisation of cat's bum there, AA

actually i imagine being hit by a hard hurled acorn would be much the same as a having a pebble thrown at you, and that it would hurt.

i recommend, op, if you do go, that you bring a bottle of tequila with you and you drink it all yourself. that'll help you to handle the bum slap game <shudders>

Pandemoniaa Fri 02-Dec-11 14:19:03

If the OP sounds "catsbummy", Antique, then I'm right there with her in the Feline Arsehole Club. There's a world of difference between a convivial celebration and the Viz Christmas Special.

OriginalPoster Fri 02-Dec-11 14:19:24

Take a load of massive conkers, ice cubes and several hungry ferrets with you

If you can't beat them, join them...


Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Fri 02-Dec-11 14:28:17

It does seem that the wrestling, bum slapping, object hurling etc isn't done out of aggression or anger just a misguided sense of fun. Is it your FIL or Step-FIL if MIL is re-married?

racingheart Fri 02-Dec-11 14:28:46

Blimey they sound exhausting. They are trying way too hard to be zany and whacky. Eccentricity is one thing but not caring how uncomfortable you make other people at Christmas is something else. No idea what you should do though, except be honest with your DP and suggest you have a quiet Christmas at home together to sort it out.

shinyrobot Fri 02-Dec-11 14:29:44

OP, it sounds absolutely awful. I would have xmas at home, explain to your dp exactly why. It is no use sorting out your relationship under false pretences, that will get you nowhere.

I have just snorted tea everywhere at Feline Arsehole Club grin grin

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh Fri 02-Dec-11 14:32:41

Yes, that did raise a smile, even here wink

Xmasbaby11 Fri 02-Dec-11 14:34:00

This family should be on TV!

Sorry ...

CeliaChristmasFete Fri 02-Dec-11 14:36:53

Is your DP's Mum called Cato, by any chance?

Fecklessdizzy Fri 02-Dec-11 15:46:24

Got to admit OP ( now that I've finally stopped sniggering ) If I was you I'd be introducing a variation to the Bum Slap Game called Knee In The Knackers every Time You Touch Me and see how that went down ...

coraltoes Fri 02-Dec-11 15:56:42

You have to live blog the day!

Adversecamber Fri 02-Dec-11 16:00:05

My PIL are straightjacketed by etiquette and incredibly dull, my FIL likes nothing more than long conversations about A roads.

I am however feeling quite happy about them now as your in laws sound horrendous.

I would not give a stuff how I was perceived, there is no way I could put up with that.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee Fri 02-Dec-11 16:16:51

Adverse Isn't it an immutable law of FILs that they have long, boring conversations about A roads? My grandfather did it to my dad, and my FIL now does it to us. I have concluded that it's a law of nature.

PopcornMouse Fri 02-Dec-11 16:24:38

It sound horrendous op! Not the bum slapping bit, but kids pulling hinges off doors? shock

I agree with everyone else - now is the perfect time to start new traditions. You can be more tolerant from a distance, or for a shorter stay grin

PopcornMouse Fri 02-Dec-11 16:25:04

*doors off hinges. Clearly a Friday. wine

HairyGrotter Fri 02-Dec-11 16:31:56

Take a rosary, pebbles, holy water and litre bottle of Iceland's Vodkat. That'll see you right.

Sounds like hell

PamBeesly Fri 02-Dec-11 16:39:53

I want to go on your behalf just to observe, they sound like a right bunch! If I were you I'd say I want to have Xmas day dinner at your own place and visit his family in the morning, later afternoon, then you only have to contend with the madness for an hour or 2...a compromise?

mummylin Fri 02-Dec-11 16:40:32

There are dances on you tube which shows how to do the slapped ass dance but having just looked at you tube i have no idea how to view it as its all changed. Maybe the Op could take a camera with her and she could teach me grin

WhoseGotMySquirrelsEyebrows Fri 02-Dec-11 16:45:30

What a nightmare! Why not tell DH that you feel you should spend a special christmas together ALONE seeing as you are trying to work things out?

Why on earth would it be funny to chuck small hard objects into each others eyes!

MidnightHag Fri 02-Dec-11 16:55:39

Personally, the "mucky bathroom" would be a dealbreaker for me.

nightowlmostly Fri 02-Dec-11 17:01:42

I say if you have no kids, get out of this relationship before you have to negotiate the pils looking after (or not) your children, and having to take them there for xmas too! Seriously!

fulllife Fri 02-Dec-11 19:25:42

feline arsehole club? i will be using this forever, now...

CheerfulYank Fri 02-Dec-11 19:51:11

Will you live blog? PLEASE?

trixie123 Fri 02-Dec-11 20:11:36

sorry OP, I haven't read the whole thread and I appreciate this is a serious and difficult time for your family.I would suggest not going and emphasising the importance of your own family (ie you, DH and kids). But can I just say I was giggling at the "bum slap dance and acorn throwing" before i even got to the description at which point I pretty much fell off the chair! It sounds like something King Thistle would enjoy.

mumzy Fri 02-Dec-11 20:49:41

Are you married to Biffa Bacon?

JamieComeHome Fri 02-Dec-11 20:58:16


They sound awful

I could not tolerate living with someone who thought all of this was normal

JamieComeHome Fri 02-Dec-11 21:04:35

<joins feline arsehole club>
<turns pointedly away, with tail aloft>

Morloth Fri 02-Dec-11 21:05:50

If you don't have kids with him.

Dump him and run.

RomanChristingle Fri 02-Dec-11 21:21:48

If you are supposed to be trying to please EACH OTHER then you need to come to a compromise. You don't want to go and he does so how about you have Christmas just the two of you and pop round to mils on Xmas eve or another day in the holiday when the house will be less crowded since you've said the mil is ok on her own?

But I think you really need to think about whether you actually want to save your relationship. Your dp's family sound insane and the acorn doesn't seem to have fallen far from the tree with your dp grin

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh Fri 02-Dec-11 21:26:37

Well said RomanChristingle smile

BertieBotts Sat 03-Dec-11 01:01:20

Clearly, the solution is to leave him the week before Christmas. Then at New Year stage a romantic gesture in order to win him back with no hard feelings.

Or just take some drugs.

whethergirl Sat 03-Dec-11 01:27:59

I hate having my bum slapped. It just makes me want to punch the person. No-one has ever thrown an acorn at me but I think it would probably provlke the same response.

It's times like this I'm glad I'm single. Just me and ds on xmas day to stuff our faces, watch loads of tv and play with new toys. Heaven.

You say you like the mum, so can you just not make more effort to spend time with her rather than the whole family. That would be a compromise, i.e. you're making an effort with his family but just not when they're altogether.

whethergirl Sat 03-Dec-11 01:28:36


empirestateofmind Sat 03-Dec-11 03:31:39

Wow <joins Feline Arsehole Club>

No way would I have done Christmas with them for a second time let alone an eighth. OP you have been a Saint.

Look ahead and decide if this family is really your future. Will these people be the grandparents to your DCs? It is not as if your DP wants to disown them.

BTW I love the acorn not falling far from the tree analogy Roman!

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh Sat 03-Dec-11 12:51:26

Yes, some great MN wit on this thread !
That one from Roman is classic grin

SilentNotViolentNight Sat 03-Dec-11 12:59:47

Wow, if it was me I would probably sit sobbing and trembling until he agreed i didn't have to go grin

FWIW me & DP haven't spent a single Christmas with each other yet (together almost 9 years, living together for 2). Neither of us are willing to give up our individual family Christmases -i join my parents, he joins his. I think it would have to change if we ever have a child together (i have dd who obv spends xmas with me) but for now we're making the most of being able to do our own thing! You don't mention any DC, so I assume you don't have any? In which case, I think it's him who ought to accept that you want to do your own thing at xmas.

onebigchocolatemess Sat 03-Dec-11 13:20:08

stalling tactics

lets face it, unless breaking your arm Christmas morning sounds more appealing you're going to have to go....So you just need some tactics of your own to make it more bare-able

1. stalling - leave it as late as humanly possible to go round their house, mention you have to pop to a friends house first etc etc etc

2. Drink copious amounts of alcohol, throw up over the dog/ child/ mil, get a round of applause and head off to lie down upstairs

3. you mentioned DPs brother doesn't enjoy it either, join forces and unite. Sit with him in his room instead.

4. .....I am out, anyone else?

InPraiseOfBacchus Sat 03-Dec-11 13:29:29

My family are the fun, mad, chaotic sort, but this is ridiculous! My lot, despite odd, messy habits and foibles, would rather sink into the ground than annoy a guest, or have a bathroom in ruins!

At the risk of sounding like a twunt, these guys sound a bit common.

Chandon Sat 03-Dec-11 13:35:20

brilliant, am really laughing.

hope it's not for real, OP if its, yanbu. But could you still go please and do a live thread on the day?

rainbowinthesky Sat 03-Dec-11 13:36:31

I'd put a cactus in my trousers.

RedHotSanta Sat 03-Dec-11 13:38:54

OP it does sound bonkers but infinitely preferable to my ILs, where highlights include:
1. Menfolk pissing off down the pub until lunch, so the women can get on with cooking without the men 'under their feet'. hmm
2. Everyone sleeping (apart from me) from immeditely after Queen's speech until the evening.
3. Not opening any pressies until the evening (mainly due to men being down the pub all morning, and everyone being asleep all afternoon).

Bum-slapping sounds good in comparison!

ChippingInNeedsSleep Sat 03-Dec-11 13:41:08

Stick to your plan to be single by New Year - except bring it forward and make it by Christmas. Go to friends or stay home alone - either way it will be a nicer day. Adopt the poor dog.

amerryscot Sat 03-Dec-11 13:42:45

Compromise and go on a different day, when they are not practising their traditions.

Chandon Sat 03-Dec-11 13:55:29

Just realise that by doubting this is real, am not helping OP.

This is the second funniest thread I have ever read on here, after Pombears (was that all real?).

the fact that we are all so ammused must strengthen you in your opinion that your ILs are super weird, and it's really not you, it's them.

Stalling tactics...ehhhhhhm.....

4.) Say you'll go, but sabotage the car on the night before (leave light on to empty battery or even slash own tyre?)

5.) buy some prawns, leave outside fridge for 48 hours, then eat one the day before?

6.) make a prickly-bum to wear? (needles?)

Ah, compulsory hilarity - my idea of Hell.

LittleEmanuel, forget Christmas for the moment. You and your DP have been together for 12 years, I'm guessing you haven't got any children as I'm sure you'd have mentioned them by now. You were at the point of splitting up, but had decided to "try and work things out". You say "we're supposed to be trying to please each other right now" - can you tell us of anything that he has done to try to please you?

I suspect the reason you are 'trying to work things out' has less to do with you're thinking that the relationship is salvageable, than you being a nice person who is trying not to kick a man when he is down. He has recently lost his dad. He is recovering from an operation. Breaking up a long-term relationship - well, that's the "bad things come in three's" I think you're subconsciously trying to avoid for him.

You've said he is "already stressing about family christmas time and how important it is" - placing you under a sense of obligation to go there 'for him'. But remember you also said - "this year I was rather excited at the prospect of not having to go". Now, I have to think that you couldn't have felt excited unless at some level you see your relationship as being over. Sorry, but that's my reading of what you've told us. I'm not getting any sense of love for your DP, just obligation; and a sense of dread for his family - who "have been the root of many arguments we've had in the past".

And no, you are not a snob/unreasonable about your reaction to his family's behaviour - wrestling on the floor of a restaurant is far from normal. I fail to see why you should be more tolerant of that sort of crap. And if that's his opinion of you, trying to make you believe it is you at fault and not them - then he's a dick.

I really think this relationship has come to its natural end.

ChippingInNeedsSleep Sat 03-Dec-11 14:40:28

My first comment was a bit glib - but actually meant pretty much what WhereYouLeftIt said. Don't waste any more of your life making this right for him - you only live once, go out and live your life, be happy.

said Sat 03-Dec-11 14:57:57

Just reading about them is making me feel irritated. I don't find it funny at all. I bet they say "Cheer up love, it'll never happen". They sound so fucking tedious and boring.

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops Sat 03-Dec-11 15:07:29

Sorry, but this is hilarious.

gettingeasier Sat 03-Dec-11 15:22:01

Highly amusing from this safe distance

What whethergirl said ie relief at being single and being able to 100% do what I want grin

Xenia Sat 03-Dec-11 16:17:54

Why did you get involved with someone from such a rough/common background? You haven't done your due diligence correctly. It always leads to trouble.

Why would you please him not you? Surely trying harder is he also listening to you, seeing things from your point of view and perhaps he going to see them the day before or day after alone and spending the day diong a Christmas you like. he is obviously the one who is lucky to have you and not vice versa so he should be bending over backwards to please you.

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 16:34:53 are so rude.

Why did you get involved with someone as lowly as a teacher it was obvious it would end in divorce and you having to pay out a hefty sum.

Xenia Sat 03-Dec-11 16:37:19

(That's slightly off topic.

No one is lowly. We are all human beings. It's great we have free speech in the UK and lovely that the internet lets us all hear the views of others whose views we might not always otherwise hear.

Today the Iranians think we stormed their embassy in London. I hope the messgae can get out to them that that is not so. Russia is finding it hard to control its election coverage because of the internet. Just like Caxton's printing press and the photocopier also when it came out technology frees people)

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 16:39:46

You are joking you think everyone [women] is lowly unless they earn a million a year, you should read some of your old threads and post you might be a tad ashamed of the things you have said in the past.

Xenia Sat 03-Dec-11 17:10:32

I don't know what you mean by lowly. All people are equal under the law. I respect everyone. In fact it's best to judge people on how they treat others who have no value to them in their getting on as a great judge of their character. I have said I want more women to earn more and do better and that plenty are absolutely pathetic about asking for more pay or picking decent careers but that does not mean I think people are "below" me in any sense at all. Our moral worth as humans is not tied up in our income or IQ.

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 17:14:22

I apoligise then Xenia after reading a lot of threads that you have commented on maybe you just don't come across correctly.

Xenia Sat 03-Dec-11 17:18:14

I am sure given the number of things I have posted all kinds of views might be attributed to me.

On this thread I think they need to talk about what kind of Christmas would work for them both as a couple. If she's chosen a partner whose family seem rather difficult, prone to public fights etc (and I am afraid I stand by the fact that that does indicate they might be a bit rough, working class etc and her fault may be in picking someone out of her class so only has herself to blame) they will need to hvae better communication skills and ways to deal with problems than if their families all fit like a glove. If her family had regular fights in restaurants too (am having visions of big fat gypsy parties here somehow..) then they might go together better.

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 17:21:08

Do all working class people fight, in your opinion?

Because in my experience [I am working class as is my family oh family and all my friends and neighbours] and i have never known any of them to be in a fight]

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 17:34:33

I hate the term "decent career." I work as a 1:1 aide for special needs children and get paid f%ck-all. But my work is important. Someone's got to do the shit jobs, haven't they? We can't all be cardiac surgeons, for instance.

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 17:36:25

But for the record, even if certain rumblings about certain people are true, it isn't very kind to throw details of that person's divorce in her face, is it? hmm

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 17:39:28

Xenia has paraded her 'excellent' life around mumsnet for long enough.

We all know the details, over and over again she reminds us.

NICEyBahHumbug Sat 03-Dec-11 17:45:35

Marry up girls. Don't for goodness sake marry down or you'll have to deal with the 'scum'.

Our moral worth as humans is not tied up in our income or IQ. Nope, its social class. I respect everyone... as long as they don't fight like gypsys at parties.

FFS!!! Just wow.

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sat 03-Dec-11 17:45:57

Nikon and Xenia take your bickering elsewhere, this isn't the place for it. Goodbye.

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 17:46:51

Where else could I bicker with someone who is so much better than me?

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 17:46:51

I know, I know. I just feel sometimes that we should rise above. Or something. Don't mind me, haven't had all my coffee yet. smile

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 17:48:28

oh and cheerful........................your job is not shit the pay maybe [in your opinion] but I doubt the person you look after don't think your shit.

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 17:48:53

fair point......i will rise above.

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 17:49:04

My family is and always has been working class and proud. My brother's a fighter, but then he's an alcoholic asshole. That's to do with his genes and his choices, not our class. Believe me you, as someone who "hob nobs" quite a bit, assholes come from all classes and backgrounds.

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sat 03-Dec-11 17:49:51

I wasn't referring to you Cheerful Yank, I like your posts. Nikon get out!

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 17:50:36

Thanks nikon . smile I love my job and have been with the little girl for almost five years. I love her dearly and feel every day that I am making a true difference. (Well, most days grin) That's worth living paycheck to paycheck IMO.

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 17:50:55

ihavewellies........what is your prob with me................

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sat 03-Dec-11 17:51:39

Actually Nikon you did just make a good point about 'shit' jobs, perhaps you can stay. But no more bickering or I'll throw an acorn at you smile

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 17:52:17

No one's bickering anymore, it's all good.

<grabs hands with wellies and nikon and sings Kumbayah>

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sat 03-Dec-11 17:53:22

Sorry Nikon see above. Its just that this was a funny thread and then you and Xenia spoilt it a bit by getting personal and a bit petty. Now lets get back to discussing the 'bum slap dance' etc grin

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 17:54:03

kumbaya my lord kumbaya.

Looking out for the acorn.

x x x x x x x

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 17:54:14

Nah, five thousand pounds a year (or thereabouts, I had to google pounds to dollars grin) is pretty shit. But it's better than a stick in the eye eh?

toptramp Sat 03-Dec-11 17:54:41

I think his family sound excentric but funny. Can't you just laugh at them rather than with them. At least they are not stuck -up and po faced. Sounds like you have fallen out of love with your dp tbh otherwise you would find their antics hilarious.

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 17:55:18

This is where my prob is I read the first page then the last page ........tut tut.

[goes off to have a word with myself]

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 17:55:45

Bum slap dance! Bum slap dance!

My FIL would die a thousand deaths before he would touch my bum.

LydiaWickham Sat 03-Dec-11 17:59:44

Tell him you'll go only if he'll talk to PILs first, say you don't want to be slapped or have anything thrown at you, and if either thing happens, you'll leave. If he can't garentee you'll not be hit by a person or by an object thrown by someone, then you'll not go. Say you'll make an effort with his family, but you don't think you're being unreasonable to want to avoid being hit by anything or anyone on Christmas day.

However, I'd just say I'm not going and make other plans. He can join your or not. If he's not prepared to compromise as well, then he's not worth worrying about.

LydiaWickham Sat 03-Dec-11 18:01:51

But if you do go, can you please give us regular updates? don't think I'll get on here on Christmas day, but it'd make great reading on Boxing day... grin

Xenia Sat 03-Dec-11 18:05:57

Yes, some sectors of society resort to fighting more. By no means everyone working class as fights in restaurants but you are more likely to resort to physical violence in restaurants if you are working class than upper or middle class. We could certainly find the statistic to prove,I'm afraid.

(I don't bicker and I would never say "better than me". It's better than I. The way to work that out is add the am and see if it sounds right - better than me am or better than I am and that hjelps us know when we have it right; you learned it here and I will not charge. I don't think joining the dots of people's postings is particularly good form, though.)

SardineQueen Sat 03-Dec-11 18:07:03

hahahahahahaha am just PMSL

I have an ex whose family xmas do was always quite a trial. But nothing compared to this!

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 18:08:41

ok I have read most of the thread now and indeed they sound a tad strange.

Do you visit them often?

mrsmaltesers Sat 03-Dec-11 18:22:53

I am pmsl at the traditions!!! But cannot find them on you tube ... I,d boycott christmas with them and have c day just you guys if you are starting afresh etc.

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 18:28:20

Not necessarily; depends on whether you view "than" as always a conjunction, or sometimes as a preposition. Or something. Again with the debates before I'm fully caffeinated! grin

Personally (though my family, working class trash though we are, would never duke it out in public or otherwise), I'd rather be with people who threw a few punches every now and then than wallowed in snobbish behavior and/or were all the time cutting each other out of wills and making dubious business deals, as my vair vair upper class friend's family is wont to do.

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 18:28:51

Though our classes are different here. We're considered middle class I suppose, but would be working class there. I think. confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 03-Dec-11 18:33:27

Killing myself laughing at this thread... I have Acorn's "Lonely" going around my head. grin

OP... I really feel for you, it sounds dreadful... maybe suggest to your DP that he goes to his parents for Christmas Day, you go to yours or wherever... everybody happy.

Miggsie Sat 03-Dec-11 18:34:32

A shame the family are not from Texas as they would have all shot each other by now and you wouldn't have this problem...but you stay with a man who wrestles his own mother?


I think it is not surprising that you are having problems with this man, he is three years old by the sound of it.

And I bet they have all their old pets stuffed in the boot of their car too.

Run away, run away!

nikon1968 Sat 03-Dec-11 18:36:06

cheerful .....i get confused in the class system over here. I work so I consider myself working class.

But we own our house outright, have several other properties, holiday abroad etc etc.

So does that make me middle class.

I have a trust fund set up by my dad which I never touch, [ IT IS MY PENSION FUND] so does that make me upper class.


CheerfulYank Sat 03-Dec-11 18:36:17

Yeah, but in Texas you don't aim to kill with family. grin So they'd just be wounded.

Hullygully Sat 03-Dec-11 18:42:28

I've only read the first page but please please please can I go?

LovesBloominChristmas Sat 03-Dec-11 18:54:07

You still have a choice, not a great one but a choice all tge same.

Chandon Sat 03-Dec-11 19:05:37

I want to go to.

I'd love to do a bum slap dance, throwing acorns and then wrapping my 10 year old in selltape grin


Hullygully Sat 03-Dec-11 19:08:51

I KNOW! It sounds fabbo

We only have the cardboard box game and Tree Flower Fruit

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops Sat 03-Dec-11 20:36:07

Hully - try biscuit charades. And the cheese impersonation game. Both festive winners for all the family.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsmamma Sat 03-Dec-11 20:50:03

Has the OP decided?? Is she going to go?

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sat 03-Dec-11 21:26:02

OP please come back. We need to know your decision and whether we can have any live updates/photos/video footage? grin

Mumsnet HQ pretty please may I start a thread searching for OP if she doesn't turn up soon? It won't be a thread about thread just a thread searching for a missing OP who may or may not have been hit in the face by a small onject, trampled by a rampaging dog or have a raptured bladder. She only popped round for a cup of tea sad

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sat 03-Dec-11 21:28:51

Loopy how does one play biscuit charades and the cheese impersonation game?

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops Sat 03-Dec-11 21:40:10

Oooh I wondered if anyone would ask!

Biscuit charades is as it sounds. Charades, but you can only do biscuits, and the key is to make the clues as tenuous as possible.

For the cheese impersonation game, you have to think of a cheese, and act as it personified. So, for example, if you were brie, you would have really melty gestures and a french accent.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sat 03-Dec-11 22:14:03

Sounds good but a bit much for my family I think. In OP's IL's house I think that it would descend into some kind of bum slapping chaos.

2rebecca Sat 03-Dec-11 23:10:21

I would hate it and refuse to go. I'd rather spend Christmas on my own than go through that. Alot of people feel sorry for people on their own at Christmas but reading about some people's extended family Christmases they sound far far worse than being on my own with the radio, TV and CDs of Carols and some good books/ a new computer game I can get totally engrossed in.

runningwilde Sat 03-Dec-11 23:17:18

They sound quite odd

Part of compromise is him listening to you too so tell him you don't want to go!

JamieComeHome Sat 03-Dec-11 23:19:45

We have indoor fireworks (literal ones, not metaphorical ones) at Xmas

They sound about as funny as "you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps" signs

JamieComeHome Sat 03-Dec-11 23:20:03

... the relative, not my fireworks

PontyMython Sat 03-Dec-11 23:23:51

Name one thing he has done to compromise for you?

DamnBamboo Sun 04-Dec-11 00:17:17

It's late and I've had two glasses of wine, but me and DH are wiping the tears away after reading up to the end of page 2.

OMFG, I don't know how you stand it.

FIL slapping your arse, I agree with previous poster who said drink a bottle of Bailey's and punch someone in the chops.

YANBU, but you've made me laugh so hard.


empirestateofmind Sun 04-Dec-11 03:36:15

Biscuit Charades and Cheese Impersonation sound good.

Hully how do the Cardboard Box Game and Tree Flower Fruit work?

Hullygully Sun 04-Dec-11 09:56:19

Ooo biscuit charades and cheese...

cardboard box:

Take a box (a cereal one is good) put it on th efloor and pick it up in your teeth without using your hands and without any part of you touching the floor except your feet.

When everyone has done it, tear off a thin strip all around the top, and repeat.

Keep repeating until several ancient aunts have to go to hospital and the bendiest person wins.

Tree flower fruit (more sedate) Everyone writes a long list down the side of the paper: tree, flower fruit, boys name, girls name, country etc etc then oneperson calls out letters randomly to be assigned. Then five mins to come up with the most original answer. Then 3 points for an answer that's unique, two for an answer shared by two, and one for an answer lots have. Add up at end and most points wins.

Do decide in advance such issues as whether make of car means model or make. <taps nose>

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny Sun 04-Dec-11 11:33:46

Ok the OP hasn't turned up. MNHQ haven't said 'no'. I'm setting up a missing OP thread!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleEmanuel Sun 04-Dec-11 21:54:43

Wow, who would have thought my little post on bum slap dancin', acorn hurling, Labrador fighting and restaurant wrestling would have grown to a 10 page thread and descended into a class war!

Thanks for all the advice and replies anyway. Glad it made some of you laugh, in my best moments I can laugh at the madness also grin

I once thought I'd found a kindred spirit in DP's sister's new boyfriend. He turned up for his first christmas with the adams family a few years back and sat there, open mouthed at all the chaos. I went over, introduced myself and offered my understanding - he then said "watch this!" and went into the kitchen, took a handful of rice crispies, came back into the living room and just chucked them into the air - "Look!" he shouts - "nobody even noticed!! you can do anything here and nobody cares, it's great!".

I clutched my red wine and sunk further into the sofa - watching the long suffering dog hoovering up the mess.

I have spoken to DP, it did not go well. I now face the night alone with a few glassess of red wine and mumsnet. Merry bloody christmas grin

JosieZ Sun 04-Dec-11 22:13:14

Sorry can't face reading 10 pages -

Can you agree it's his parents this year and your choice (tropical beach?) next year.

Seems fair.

ExitPursuedBySanta Sun 04-Dec-11 22:34:30

Oh Hully. Make or model of car? Many games of A-Z on long journeys have descended into chaos on that pivotal subject.

Hardgoing Sun 04-Dec-11 22:53:46

ViviPrudolf, I know it was on the first page, but your post made me laugh my head off. Our Christmases have that slow-motion quality at times...

cakeismysaviour Sun 04-Dec-11 23:35:48

I had an ex whose family were a nightmare at the best of times and I had to suffer a few Christmas days with them. sad

I found that the answer was to get drunk - very drunk... grin

p.s Would LOVE to see the video of the bum slap dance!

Tryharder Mon 05-Dec-11 00:59:02

They sound hilarious. Not read all 10 pages, sorry. Why don't you just get pissed and join in the fun??

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 05-Dec-11 09:06:20

OP.... You really must update. Has he told his parents yet? Are you going to do something together or separately at Christmas? I'm still agog... confused

Funniest thread in a very long while... grin

aldiwhore Mon 05-Dec-11 09:11:07

If you want a happy future with your DH, and many happy christmasses to follow, this is the perfect time to lay down some ground rules.

Your part involves compromise, as does his. He either agrees to alternate Christmasses or he doesn't, if he doesn't can you really say you'd be happy with him forever getting your arse slapped on Christmas Day? It may seem a small and silly issue, but I'm sure after another 30 years of it it won't be!

This year, its a new start, and the first step is to say that this year you're having the Christmas of your choice. However, NEXT year, you need to do it his way... so buy some padded trousers, or learn to smack your FIL so hard he understands that it just isn't funny.

PludolphTheRedNosedReindeer Mon 05-Dec-11 10:45:53

Sorry your talk with DP didn't go well. It doesn't actually sound all that funny to me.

Hope your relationship survives the separation. Maybe he will miss you, and it will turn him against the violent bullying frivolity of his Christmas! smile

SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell Mon 05-Dec-11 11:34:22

Oh I'm sorry to hear that LittleEmmanuel. Whilst this thread has had its funny side, it's worth remembering that your relationship is breaking up because of the antics of this family.

I can understand him wanting you to accept his family, but I don't understand why there cannot be any compromise at all. That is his family, he cannot change that and he probably feels quite defensive of them. However you married him and not his family and it seems quite unfair of him to insist they all come with the package.

If you ever had children - can you imagine them being wrapped up in clingfilm? Or hurt by flying objects? I think these people have a lot of growing up to do and you are better off out of it before any children come along. A relationship is only made successful by mutual respect and compromise and it doesn't sound as though your dp was willing to budge on either.

I do wonder why you didn't mention your own family though? Could you not spend every other Christmas with them? What did he say about possible compromises such as only spending half a day with his family?

Ah well, you were looking forward to a Christmas free from falling acorns and bum slapping so let's hope you get a lovely relaxing one smile

Chandon Mon 05-Dec-11 15:03:36

sorry, but I think Christmas alone may be better for you???

I hope that you understand from the reactions on here, that it's not you who's mad, it's them.

TheScaryJessie Mon 05-Dec-11 16:52:43

Okay, this advice is presumably a bit late, given your last post, but if you are/were trying to salvage your relationship, I don't think going to visit his parents at Christmas would help.

You'd just be scraping your misery there under the proverbial rug, where it would mount up and mount up, until you exploded.

ViviPrudolf Mon 05-Dec-11 17:01:08

Hardgoing grin slow motion is utterly it.

Hope things work out got the OP

ViviPrudolf Mon 05-Dec-11 17:01:45

Got the op? wtf? For the OP

stealthsquiggle Mon 05-Dec-11 17:18:17

How exactly is DP compromising to save this relationship, OP (if you are being more tolerant of his family)?

So - "let's have Christmas on our own and see your family before/after" was a non-starter then, I take it sad? He doesn't get that you can love his family but not want to be with them, en masse, at Christmas?

WaxMyBoard Mon 05-Dec-11 20:11:20

OP, my advice which I follow when I find the in-laws loveable quirks hmm too much is to become the official photographer. Shielded by the camera you will arrive late morning and capture everything. The front door, the christmas decorations, the food, the antics - closeups and big wides.

Make sure you include everyone even BIL upstairs - his sequence would be photos of -door ajar, close up of him raising a glass, wide angle getting his location in room and close up of wine bottle label. Repeat for everthing even the dog.

You'll easily need 100 photos for this. After xmas get onto a photo printing website like Snapfish and make a lovely xmas album for all the family, copies all round, warm feeling towards you and the effort you made to be there.
You may retreat when the festivites threaten the expensive camera equipment.

JosieZ Mon 05-Dec-11 22:04:52

My DH uses the camera ploy at most of the (not many) social outings we go to.

I'm chatting with boring family or attempting small talk with near strangers while he pooters around with camera equipmnet and large drink.

Then emails lots of pics to one and all over the next few days and is congratulated all round.

mathanxiety Mon 05-Dec-11 22:19:24

So there goes my theory that you are in fact the duchess formerly known as Kate, LittleEmmanuel...

<all disappointed>

LittleEmanuel apologies if you've updated elsewhere but i've just found this thread on my list and wondered how your Christmas went...

Salmotrutta Fri 06-Jan-12 15:32:25

I can see why your DPs brother drinks tbh.

stuffitunderthebed Mon 24-Dec-12 12:36:03

Apologies for resurrecting a zombie thread. But, update one year on 0P? Hilarious thread. Hope you're still around MN and that all worked out in the end.

AmberSocks Mon 24-Dec-12 13:23:40

I think they soundlike fun!Have you tried getting involved you might enjoy it!

Bum slapping and acorn throwing! grin

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