To not want an annual "Family Day"

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

Well luckily for us Grandma has given up arranging such days now so the issue never arises.

MrsWolowitz I spend every Xmas Day with my inlaws so I feel no guilt at my non attendance at other events if I don't fancy going.

We live very very close to the inlaws so DH and DC can see them whenever they wish (and they do so).

My DC and DH are my immediate family and my first priority.

Someone said upthread about the possibility of the OP not considering her inlaws as 'real' family.
I think maybe I'm like that, I have never gone along with the idea that his family is mine and vice versa.

Haven't read all 7 pages of the thread, so forgive me if I'm completely missing the point: you don't want to spend one single day a year with your in-laws and extended family, thus kerping really good contact with your dc's cousins, because your MiL CAPITALISED Family Day?
Have I summed it up?
I think you are mad, rude, selfish and I'm not sure your in-laws would be bothered if your DH and DC attend while you cry off sick!
My family organise a fantastic fancy dress-karaoke party every year (fd optional!) just to get family together for my DGM who is very old and has 9 kids, 12 grandkids - it's great we're all together. I was gutted I couldn't go this year, with my DS, but will go next year.
Sourpuss, OP

His family might not be yours- but they are your children's family.

Yup, you have missed the point elQuinto, but don't let that stop you calling me rude, mad and selfish...

If you'd bothered to read the thread, or even the full OP, you would have seen that it would be more likely for DH to try avoid going along.

Is the karaoke on exactly the same Sunday every year?

Very true seeker and they are not denied access to their family so I feel happy with my decisions.

YABU as pretty much everyone else as said.

Its just about control isn't it - mil picked the date but actually you really want to pick the date?

I reckon you could suck it up for one day a ye

One day a year I meant.

Op we had a massive family get together when I was a kid. I remember my mum resenting it madly. The eldest sister always organised it. She ran it like the mafia. U agreed to her choices, her plans, her dates, her food and woe betide those who attempted opinion, or missed it. It was extremely passive aggressive.

I used to dread them. I watched my mum batten down the hatches and mentally disappear. I hated the questions from idiot relatives what did I do in school, could I run fast, best subjects, interests etc and dreaded these events. And one uncle who 'enjoyed' the opportunity to be with children like me far too much.

So in conclusion, I thought I'd say yabu, but then I stopped and remembered and now all I say is run, run for the hills as fast as u can. Don't look back.

FYI family was dads not mums.

Not control as such, I don't think, MrsCampbell. I think if there's an event with mandatory attendance it is helpful to consult people on what works / doesn't work, even if ultimately someone has to make a decision at some point that might not make everyone happy. Even more so if it is expected to be a regular fixture in the family calendar.

Though you're probably on the right lines that this isn't about me not wanting to see MiL or the wider family (for the umpteenth time, I get on great with MiL and make a lot of effort to ensure that our DC see their extended family on a regular basis), but something more fundamental.

Look, I get irrationally irritated over stuff as most people do. But I talk it over usually with my sister and realise that it is me being irrational.

I think you're coming to that conclusion really. I also agree that if the whole family is consulted as to the best date - well it'll never happen.

Just go with it, its one day a year - nothing really

YANBU FamiliesShareGerms and ignore all the people upthread calling you selfish / ungrateful / whatever. 'Family Day' and all that it entails - yuk!

Its all very odd.

Your mil wishes to host an event she wishes to hold this event every year on the same weekend.

One would think she's sensible enough to try and pick a date that accommodates the majority of the invited guests.

Given the timing of the thread I'm guessing the event happens around the summer.

Is colts really that important that you would avoid anything else during that time?

I get what you mean OP. It isnt about having a family day when everyone gets together and has a nice time. It is about having a Family Day which is becoming a Tradition which must be observed.

When children are small I can see that having a fixed date can seem convenient but as children enter teenage years they have their own things to do.

Not everyone is into the big family thing so I can see where your DH is coming from. Not all families are close. My family isnt. Doesnt stop my DM wanting to try and force closeness and create similar traditions.

YANBU

wishIwasanheiress...yy. That is precisely why we stopped having 'Family Christmas Days'... it was horrendous. My mum is really sad about it but just can't stop being a martinet when it comes to events the whole family attend. :(

Sock, yes, it's a summer event.

DH and I take the view that if DC commit to doing something (cricket, football etc) then they should be properly committed and only miss things like matches and festivals for absolutely immovable things (eg weddings). Training sessions are different (though if they miss too much training they tend not to get picked to play in the matches!). At the moment it's only an issue for DS, as DD is too young for these sorts of things. For that matter, all the other cousins involved are also too young for sports clubs or whatever. I don't think it's fair to DS for him to work hard and get selected for the team but be told he can't play because we are going to granny's house instead.

WorrySigh, yy, you've hit the nail on the head!