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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 06:28

I think that being a MIL can be an impossible job in some families! Trying to arrange a family get together once a year somehow becomes 'controlling'Confused. I assume that these are people who are just going to wave their own DCs off at 18 yrs and make no effort to get their family together, or is it different if it is you, or is it only something that mothers of DDs are allowed to do?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 28/05/2013 07:28

For the OP it sounds like there is no strong pull between her DH and his DM. There is greater pull between OP and her MiL. This isnt an anti MiL thread.

Many families live far from each other. IME absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder. For me family gatherings are having less and less meaning.

Minifingers · 28/05/2013 07:43

One day a year?

Don't be so mean spirited.

You clearly don't value family in the way I do.

ll31 · 28/05/2013 07:45

Think yabu to be so stressed about one day a year. Think your mil sounds lovely.

Anthracite · 28/05/2013 07:49

We have a family reunion every year. We are in residence for up to a week. It is brilliant and so lovely that the DCs get to see their cousins.

bleedingheart · 28/05/2013 07:53

YABU
One day out of a year and if you can't go then don't go!
People don't live forever.
Perhaps someone has told your MIL that people have busy lives do just choose one day a year when you can get everyone together and then they don't feel pressurised all year. If you think of your children, would you be happy to see them all together only once a year? I don't understand how parents of small children fail to empathise with parents of adult children.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/05/2013 07:56

My initial reaction to OP is that you are reacting against the idea that she sees herself as matriarch, with power to 'go over your head' to summon your family. You see yourself as the leader of your family and would like to be asked not told.

BeckAndCall · 28/05/2013 07:58

You should make the most of it while you can OP - you either won't have your PILs forever or the DCs will be teenagers with weekend commitments for sports, dance, riding whatever that they can't give up.

Enjoy it while you can - it'll all be over before you know it and your kids will have had the time of their lives with their cousins

pumpkinsweetie · 28/05/2013 07:58

If they are a lovely family, i don't see the problem tbh.

Jenny70 · 28/05/2013 08:10

The only thing I wouldn't like about a fixed Family Day would be if it fell in school hols, meaning that set of holidays was always off limits for trips/travel.

If one year you have a wedding, christening etc to attend, you may find MIL will change date if everyone has notice.

My parents did an At Home for years on same date & had bulk invites printed without the year on them (first Sat in March) - all their friends put it in diary before invites were sent, to the point that the year they stopped about 20 people came anyway, assuming invite was lost!

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 08:32

Of course MIL could change the date!
OP has made no mention that it isn't suitable for her.
I agree with bleedingheart , I think that those of you with very young DCs may find that you hope to see them altogether once a year when they are adults. I can't think it is much to ask.
As I said earlier, those of you who think it is too much to ask will find that your DCs follow suit and won't want to see you. DCs do as you do, on the whole.

melika · 28/05/2013 08:37

I suppose if it were MILs birthday and she had a party at her house every year it would be ok but to be told it is a 'Family Day' grinds you a little. Yes, you an adult and feel you don't want to be told. ~But at the end of the day, the bigger picture is, your DC will probably enjoy it immensely and your DH will thank you for being noble about it.

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 09:40

I very much hope that if I get to be a MIL that DIL will want to be part of the family and not feel 'noble' if she manages to pitch up once a year! My DSs are not foundlings- they come with parents, cousins, grandparents, uncles, aunts, great aunts, godparents etc etc etc who will still hope to see them!!

lottiegarbanzo · 28/05/2013 10:24

and...having read all OP's posts, it seems the thing is you don't want her to declare an arbitrary date as Family Day forever but to keep it a bit flexible, which, with a small family, is perfectly possible.

Just mention that now and then and, when a dc does have a sports commitment or somesuch in future years, say to her at the beginning of the year (if you don't yet have match dates) 'DC1 is likely to have some matches in x month and this is important to him. They won't be every weekend though, so just to flag up that we may only available on certain dates that month this year. I'll let you have the match dates as soon as we do, in case it has an impact on your family day arrangements'. Very reasonable.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 28/05/2013 10:26

I agree with exotic. Children have a right to know their extended family.

mrsjay · 28/05/2013 10:40

I loved how a woman who wants her family together once a year is classed as controlling how is wanting to spend time with ALL your family controlling ?

mrsjay · 28/05/2013 10:43

I agree with bleedingheart , I think that those of you with very young DCs may find that you hope to see them altogether once a year when they are adults.

I said something similar pages ago how would the mothers of young children feel if their adult children and spouses felt meh about spending time with them ,

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 28/05/2013 10:48

That's right mrs jay. it would be controlling if the MIL was deciding how everyone spent their time all year round, but 1/365th of a year is not controlling.

Besides, if you're not firm about dates, nobody would be able to make it or you'd never get to settle on a date at all.

One example of this is when I worked in a big office and had to organise a social meal out. I asked everyone for dates they could do and got about 20 different dates. I asked again, sending out a poll of two dates. A lot more people made the effort to make it when only two dates were available. If you say, last Sunday in July every year is a Family Day, then it's much easier than asking everyone what dates they can do over the summer. Not controlling- just practical.

I can't emphasise enough how important these gatherings are. I started organsising an annual meal for DH's family. they loved it and we all took group photos etc. Sadly we missed a year, and his Uncle died. Next time we have a gathering we'll be one man down.

Hawkmoon269 · 28/05/2013 10:50

Big sigh

I have read the entire thread. The op has been polite, explained herself well (repeatedly on some points) and she has updated regularly.

Some people have been so RUDE! I think the op has been pretty dignified in her responses.

For what it's worth, I would also struggle with a fixed date for all the reasons the op has said. But I'd probably just go with it and if a clash comes up then explain to mil and see if it can be changed. On balance, yanbu!

RussiansOnTheSpree · 28/05/2013 10:57

People do have a 'right' to know their extended family. They also have a right not to know them as well, if that's what they want. Not everyone is comfortable with huge family gatherings. What is so difficult for some people to understand about this? For some people these events are TORTURE.

xylem8 · 28/05/2013 10:59

One day a year to make your MIL happy is not a big ask

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 28/05/2013 11:17

Russians- they have to give it a chance.

What if children never meet their cousins and aunties and uncles because their mum or dad didn't fancy going? It's ONE day FGS, not every day!

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 28/05/2013 11:19

I find this whole anti family day rather depressing. Family is so important, and I'm no Pollyanna, I could write a book on dysfunctional and horrible family members, but they're not all like that. Life is short and funerals are frequent.

In ten years I have lost four grandparents and three uncles. DH has lost two uncles in six years. Time is short. It's one day.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 28/05/2013 12:04

To all the people who are saying that having a compulsory fixed family gathering is by definition a good thing :

Not everyone feels the same way about family as you. You may hope that you will have a close relationship with D/SiLs in the future but they may not particularly want this.

Nuclear family and extended family people stare at each other over a chasm of complete incomprehension. Neither is right, neither is wrong, they are just different.

Issuing 3-line whips to attend a Family Day will not turn a nuclear family person into an extended family person.

mrsjay · 28/05/2013 12:21

Life is short and funerals are frequent.

this tbh the last time my extended family were together was for a funeral aunts and uncles are now at that age