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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
daftdame · 30/05/2013 15:15

Dontmind I saw that thread too...poor boy.

I also think schools can be a little too controlling also, regarding 'compulsory' after school events. Just because parental support is required for some events it should not be taken as a given, what I mean is parents should be genuinely consulted. Parents are as much part of the school community as school staff and if the school wants parental support they should consult their wishes on matters.

Some parents are literally caught in the middle of controlling extended families and controlling schools, but it is a sink or swim scenario, you have to develop a very thick skin.

'Nobody can please all of the people all of the time', as the saying goes.

MyShoofly · 30/05/2013 15:37

Sorry but I think its more "controlling" to purposely not go to a family get together once a year to ensure one's MIL is not being "controlling".

daftdame · 30/05/2013 15:53

Myshoofly

I'm not talking about missing every event, just occasional ones. Only if you feel like your nuclear families wishes do not even figure in the planning.

If you know / have to deal with some controlling, albeit lovely people, and I have had to deal with a fair few in my time, you will find they would, perhaps even thank you for putting your foot down, once in a while. It can be a strain to have to be the one who is looked for, for all the decisions, but can become a habit. Sometimes you have to act, in order to forge a more genuine and equal relationship.

daftdame · 30/05/2013 16:02

Then when they are very worried they have let you down when they^ have had to miss a family event, you can very easily be truly gracious about it. Smile

Everyone should just give themselves a break in my opinion.

daftdame · 30/05/2013 16:14

It is best in the long run. For example, one year you may spend Christmas abroad or see an old friend who has come over from overseas (on Family day!) or helping with a charity or have to miss something because you've horrible flu.

Thing is you will not be letting any one down, neither will they if they want to do any of these things.

Horsemad · 30/05/2013 16:21

My MIL once told her nephew off because he was away on holiday when it was his mother's birthday! Shock
This is what I'm up against - needless to say, she doesn't get her own way with me.

MadeOfStarDust · 30/05/2013 16:37

I got told off by mine for "letting" my husband organise a holiday which included their 34th wedding anniversary..... wrong on SOOOOOOOOOOOOO many levels....

daftdame · 30/05/2013 16:39

Clue is:

if they ask you = not controlling

if they tell you = controlling

seeker · 30/05/2013 16:44

So how does this "asking" work? A million emails, a spread sheet? When does it happen? Arguments about whether a swimming gala trumps a cricket match..... give me strength!

One date. In the calendar. Attend if at all possible. Over til next year. A bloody sight less controlling than making up reasons not to be able to go so you can put MIL in her place.

daftdame · 30/05/2013 16:52

Ask means it is OK if I say know

Tell means it is not.

So not a million emails, that would be harassment!

But the rest 'attend if possible' OK. '...at all possible' is slightly over the top, the event should speak for itself.

I wouldn't make up any reason, I'd tell the truth and ignore any backlash. I'd remain on speaking terms unless they wouldn't speak to me, and I'd speak to them when they were ready.

daftdame · 30/05/2013 16:52

^ that should be say no!

seeker · 30/05/2013 17:02

Well of course it should be all right to say no. But also, I think that people should really go if they possibly can- there has to be a good reason not to. And "I want to show my MIL where she gets off" is not a good reason.

daftdame · 30/05/2013 17:11

seeker it is not about 'showing MIL where she can get off' it is about making a genuine choice.

If MIL, or DM for that matter, is getting too controlling, that in itself is good reason.

Maybe you have not had to deal with these kind of people, I have and I still have good relationships with them. They should know though that emotional blackmail doesn't work and when this is off the table you find you actually want to go to events. Otherwise you find yourself being a martyr to them.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/05/2013 17:27

We are in the process of reducing the impact of family days especially around Christmas. DCs are growing and have their own social lives to lead. What worked when DCs were small has both grown and grown and also no longer works in a practical sense.

IME both DM and DMiL love the theory of the traditions but arent up to the practicality. It is all very well them saying that they love cooking a big meal for the whole family but botulism surprise isnt up there with my favourites!

wordfactory · 30/05/2013 17:31

My Mum has been very good at undersatanding the extra demands placed on us as the children grow.

She is also very good at understanding the extra demands of work.

I do think some retired folks, or those who haven't had a job for many years forget about this!

IdealHomeHouseBeautifulLivinge · 31/05/2013 08:42

I'm just amazed at how busy some of you claim to be every weekend. Don't you ever just relax and slob around with your family?

seeker · 31/05/2013 08:59

Being "too busy" to go to an event organised by a MIL a year in advance is not the same as ordinary busy.

MadeOfStarDust · 31/05/2013 09:11

family day gets organised by one of my relatives - we have to travel 700 miles and stay in the crappy B&B. It takes up more than a weekend with all the travelling - we went the first year - not the second - went the third year and were whinged at from start to finish for not going the previous year.

So we don't go at all now.

TheresTheDoor · 31/05/2013 09:12

but wordfactory, it's ONE DAY! out of 365. Life is short.

My opinion is this: no good showing up at a relative's funeral and being all sad if you couldn't be bothered to make a day to see them when they were alive.

In a way "Family Day" makes it easier than arranging to visit people all year round. You get see everyone all in one day and can go back to your incredibly busy life until next year.

MadeOfStarDust · 31/05/2013 09:17

(our family day would take 3 days- me and hubby both having to take holiday time - £800 flights - with a change of plane so it takes all day, £100 B&B - to spend time with folks who will whinge and moan for 4 hours, then we would go home - people's circumstances vary)

CruCru · 31/05/2013 10:01

This is an interesting thread. I do see people's point about it being only one day a year - but so are Christmas and Easter and these cause lots of angst. I wonder whether the OP can't face yet another bunch of negotiations and bad feeling.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 31/05/2013 10:13

MadeofStardust, I think it's different if you live abroad. If I was arranging one, I would invite relatives from abroad, but I really wouldn't expect them to come.

daftdame · 31/05/2013 10:13

TheresTheDoor You don't have to be 'incredibly busy' not to be free to go to an annual event, just normally busy. If you have to add distance into the mix, as MadeOfStardust says, it is not as easy as just 'popping in'. Extended families can be huge, you should take it on board when some people can't make an event.

I love it when there is a BIG family event, practically whole family(think Poliakoff's 'Perfect Strangers'). For us though, the logistics are too great to make it annually. When we do have them though, it is all the more exciting to catch up with cousins you haven't seen for years.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 31/05/2013 10:15

daftdame- The OP isn't from abroad, and she is not being expected to fly in from Oz or anything.

I think it would be a different thread of the MiL expected her to fly in with all the expense of that, and had a strop because they couldn't.

daftdame · 31/05/2013 10:18

TheresTheDoor I would turn up to a funeral also of someone I hadn't seen for a long time. If you move away from family, this can be a reality. My extended family is very big and spread out all over the place, but I still have fond memories of people I saw more when I was a child.

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