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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/05/2013 09:34

Sounds like your MIL is trying to build bridges/make sure she has a better relationship with her grandchildren and now adult children.

One day a year together isn't a lot and surely a set date makes that easier to plan for unless something unavoidable comes up?

RussiansOnTheSpree · 27/05/2013 09:37

Having a set date makes it easier to avoid. Grin let the date become fixed. Then, some years when you don't fancy it, you can body swerve. Sounds like a win win to me, given that you don't mind going this year, you just mind accepting an obligation. Well - it's not an obligation, only if you let it be. Take each year as it comes, go, don't go, act as the mood takes you.

MeiMeiMeiMei · 27/05/2013 09:39

I don't like the sound of your DH, OP.

ENormaSnob · 27/05/2013 09:39

I think it sounds nice.

Yabu

DontmindifIdo · 27/05/2013 09:39

Seeker - I see what you are saying, but if it's a made up event that's "nice to have" and MIL has just plucked the date out of thin air as one that best suits her, there's nothing wrong with saying that if she's going to stick to it, there might be other things going on in a busy family life that might take precident, when "family day" could quite easily be moved to the week before/after (if MIL is prepared to say, call round everyone a couple of months before hand and check which date works best for the bulk of the family). OP - it might be worth at least floating the idea to your MIL that some years the weekend before/after might be better if she wants a full house, rather than announcing a date and expecting everyone else to make it.

OP - it's also good she wants it away from the Christmas/new year season (I know too many families that have traditions for either Christmas eve or boxing day for both sides that just makes fitting everything in a nightmare of motorway driving in the snow).

MorrisZapp · 27/05/2013 09:39

I still don't understand why the fact it's on a set day is a problem. Why is it a problem?

Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 09:40

To be clear, I meant I talk to MiL eg on the phone to catch up more than DH speaks to his mum. The email she sent about this year's Family Day only came to me, DH wasn't on the copy list. We don't ignore her, either on the day or in between... Hmm

Sirzy, you may well be right about her trying to build better relationships now

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 27/05/2013 09:41

oh and I can't be doing with these families where the men just opt out of their relationship with their own mothers and then their DW feels she has to do all the running around. If MIL wanted a 'family day' I'd expect her to talk to DH about it, I'd give dates I can/can't do, but his family, his job.

mrsjay · 27/05/2013 09:41

Op your children are still children imagine in a few years when they are adults off doing their own thing and they avoid visiting you and then they have their own children and yet more eye rolling and avoidance how would you feel, atm you think oh well I just want my children to be happy but in reality you will want to be in touch with your adult children and grandchildren ,

LEMisdisappointed · 27/05/2013 09:43

I could be wrong, but i think it reads like you are jealous of your MIL. She gets to be the matriach for the day and bring everyone together. You feel like you are being told what to do and you don't like it.

Its a shame about your DHs relationship, but to be fair, its not about him is it, its about the wider family and grandchildren who are being given a lovely opportunity to build an extended family. I should have loved that.

Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 09:44

Dontmind, that sounds like a good idea, thanks.

Mei - fortunately, I do like DH and you don't have to! (I could set out various reasons why he is how is he with his family, but a) that's a whole other thread and it's irrelevant here; and b) I don't want to be accused of drip feeding. As well as being mean, childish and a cow.)

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 27/05/2013 09:46

BTW - if say next year she picks a date you can't do, be sure to reply with "no, we can't do X date but we can do A, B or C" - that makes it clear you aren't rejecting the idea, puts ball back in her court.

Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 09:53

Dontmind, if I left it to DH, we simply wouldn't see his DM (believe me, I'm working on him being the one to maintain the relationship, as I agree that is healthier than it all coming through me!).

mrsjay, I desperately hope that my children and any grandchildren that may come along will want to come and visit us. My parents have a very relaxed attitude to getting together, so maybe it's just the different approach that makes this into more of a "thing" for me. Maybe I need to archive this thread for 30 years and see how I feel about it then and if I am busy organising a Family Day!

I'm pretty certain that I'm not jealous, LEM, though you have made me think whether MiL is (consciously or otherwise) trying to become a matriarchal figure in the way that her mother definitely was (Grandma died a few years ago, and was clearly the dominant force in the family). And maybe neither DH or I want that: we were both very close to Grandma and don't want her replaced. Some food for thought there.

OP posts:
kungfupannda · 27/05/2013 09:53

I really don't see the problem. Surely it's better to have a fixed date that people can bear in mind, or not as the case may be, when making their own arrangements each year, than to have a million trillion emails every year trying to fix a date. With a big family, chances are that there won't be a date that everyone can make, so why not just take the arguing out of it and have a set date for people to work around?

DP has a massive extended family and they have a gathering twice a year - once on a fixed day during the Christmas holidays and once in the summer. The summer date is just decided several months in advance by his GPs and everyone else just works around it. There are usually a couple of people missing, but everyone comes if they can.

flipchart · 27/05/2013 09:56

I really don't see the problem.

She is making an effort to keep the family in touch, not just with her but with each other. Sometimes it's easy to let things slip. You can have all the good intentions in the world about keeping in contact with each other but often life gets in the way. Our last family do was 18 months ago where 35 of us went out for a meal,great aunties, cousins,old and young. It was great seeing everyone and we all say we want to do it more often but it's so hard getting everyone together. A set day is ideal

It's also good for your kids, they will be mingling with their extended family.

I know you are moaning about it being an obligation, but hey, that's family life for you. It's one day out of 365.

You maybe a MIL yourself one day, wouldn't you like to keep your kids and their children in touch hin a sociable way.

maresedotes · 27/05/2013 10:08

I don't see a problem with a fixed date. I would put it in the diary and stick to it. I know families are busy and children get invited to parties etc but I wouldn't cancel Family Day Wink for a party that probably only one child would be invited to. Also most invitations are given out the week before. Would be mean not to turn up to FD.

Sounds like you've tried to help DH's relationship with his mum though.

seeker · 27/05/2013 10:19

Whatever you do, don't get involved in negotiating dates- that way madness lies. Just have "first Sunday in July" or something like that. And put it in the calendar and if necessary organise other stuff round it. It will, I guarantee, become a key part of your children's year.

Cloverer · 27/05/2013 10:21

One day a year! That's pretty low on the family obligation scale.

So, you don't mind having a family get together and you do want to go - your objection is just that the MIL gets to set the date?

That does make you sound very childish - you'll go on a day of your choosing, if you feel like it, but you won't go on a day the MIL choosing because she wants to see her family together. Do you feel a bit competitive with her?

seeker · 27/05/2013 10:24

Not when it's a MIL, clloverer- when it's a MIL it's overbearing and controlling and unreasonable. But it still would be if it was one day every 10 years.....

DeckSwabber · 27/05/2013 10:28

I think this Family Day will be of huge benefit to your children.

A similar Christmas gathering organised by my grandparents is the only time I got to meet my cousins. Without them, a large number of people I now meet only at weddings and funerals would be complete strangers to me.

If you husband isn't family minded, I'd be really grateful to your MiL for making this happen.

MrsWolowitz · 27/05/2013 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bailo · 27/05/2013 10:33

I would love to have your problem, unfortunately myself and OH were in the bathroom when god was handing out families so we have barely any family to spend time with. About the only family we have a half decent relationship with are my parents, and we can't even visit them due to my psychotic 35 year old dole scrounging brother who makes it too unsafe to risk bringing my children there. If you enjoy the day I think you are very ungrateful to be moaning about it.

Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 10:37

I don't feel in competition with MiL, Cloverer. I don't think we have anything to compete about.

Our DC do see their cousins on plenty of other occasions (some "set pieces" like birthday parties, some days when we just organise something random to see each other). I guess I just prefer this informal approach rather than the fixed date approach, though I take the point upthread that it can be easy for time to slip away and you suddenly realise that it's been too long since you got together.

OP posts:
PoppyWearer · 27/05/2013 10:38

My MIL also tries to do this, so I do see your point, OP, although fortunately in recent years there have been enough weddings and Christenings to ensure such get-togethers occur anyway, without her needing to orchestrate one.

Also we don't have a fixed date. Our summer weekends get very very full with children's birthdays and seeing friends, as well as school fetes, etc, so all of that has to be negotiated.

Oh, and we still have to have another get-together at Christmas. And Easter.

Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 10:42

MrsW, good job I do like my DH. Believe me, he's one of the good guys. I'd like him to have a closer relationship with his family, but given where things were when I first met I'd say he's come a long way in building that bridge. He's an adult and can decide what relationship he has with his parents, the only thing I've ever insisted on is that our DC should have a consistent and good relationship with them.

OP posts: