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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
MrsBungle · 27/05/2013 08:58

Think yourself lucky. We have 'family holiday'. 3 days away in 3 big barns next to each other - around 30 family members. Costs us about about £400 in rental, food etc.

There's no obligation to go, though. We can just say we are not going this year.

We usually go, though, the kids absolutely love it.

You do sound like you're being a bit mean about one planned day in a whole year!

verytellytubby · 27/05/2013 08:58

I think it sounds lovely. I really don't get the problem. Sounds a total non-issue.

Sallystyle · 27/05/2013 08:58

Do you not like her or something?

The issue must run deeper than this.

It's once a year and it sounds lovely.

loveinthemist · 27/05/2013 08:59

You sound quite mean spirited. Would it really be so difficult to make this effort? A little bit of compromise needed perhaps? I think it's a lovely idea.

jacks365 · 27/05/2013 08:59

Is it the only time your dc see their grandmother? If it is then grin and bear it but if this is just one of a whole host of events you have to attend then you may need to draw the line somewhere.

I get the obligation thing because my mother does this, you'd think I'm old enough to choose how I celebrate my birthday but no I have to spend it with dm after all if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here.

Sirzy · 27/05/2013 09:00

One day a year isn't really that much to ask is it? Like most others I can't see the problem.

CouthyMow · 27/05/2013 09:00

I miss the Family Days that my Granny used to arrange when my Dad was alive. I may try to do something about it.

As the oldest cousin, I really enjoyed getting together with all my cousins at once, and we used to do massive rounders games, or cricket, or football.

And the fact that it was on the same weekend each year - the first weekend in August - meant that I could look forward to it.

I used to tick the days until 'Family Day' off on the calendar when I was a child...

mrsjay · 27/05/2013 09:02

I think id be quite hurt if my adult dds didnt want to take part in something like this,

mrsjay · 27/05/2013 09:03

I miss the Family Days that my Granny used to arrange when my Dad was alive. I may try to do something about it.

we used to have family saturdays my nanas house was an open house well I say house it was a tiny maisonette some days there would be 20 odd people there it was great all the adult cousins are really close even if we are spread far and wide,

MorrisZapp · 27/05/2013 09:06

Don't get the problem, and it doesn't look like you're coming back to explain.

SprinkleLiberally · 27/05/2013 09:09

I'm thinking of starting one now! A fixed date is genius with a large family !

MumnGran · 27/05/2013 09:09

OP - Some names can just grate completely irrationally - "girlies" has always done it for me! You simply have to accept that it is your quirk. Did I cause a fuss when a very good friend used to organise "Girlie Gang" days. Nope. It was my weird reaction to the term (and the capitals) and I knew it.

I think you are just wound up by the fact that a set date means you can never get "off the hook". That's not the case. We can all be as selfish as we choose, and you can cheerfully announce that you won't be coming as a great holiday deal has turned up, or you have been invited to a wedding. Its called having the courage of your convictions. If you are not inclined to upset your MIL to that degree, then don't complain about it.

The most worrying thing about the post seems to have slipped by un-noticed......why do you talk to your MIL more than to your DH?

gummybear13 · 27/05/2013 09:10

I think it is a bloody wonderful idea!!!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 27/05/2013 09:15

Great username, loveinthemist.

Scuttlebutter · 27/05/2013 09:18

Our family does this. It started because on my dad's side, we are a huge family and my grandparents started it as a way of bringing people together for an event that wasn't either a funeral or a wedding, which sadly for many families is the only time they get together as an extended group. The date is set well in advance and people come for various bits - there's a get together in a pub, a family slide show (unintentionally hilarious) and a BBQ hosted in one aunt's house. No pressure if you can't come but it's lovely. I'm one of a huge cadre of grandchildren and now many of my cousins have their own DC so it's a real inter generational party. We've now lost my grandparents, my dad and one of my uncles so it's even more precious. It's a great idea, and means that I regularly get to see cousins etc that in reality I wouldn't probably otherwise see, as we are geographically very scattered. Even family members in Canada and New Zealand make it some years.

OP, if you are still here, please rethink your approach to this. Is it really so bad that your DC will grow up having happy memories of get togethers with their extended family, cousins, GPs etc? Nobody is asking you for a present, or to cook, so what's the problem?

youarewinning · 27/05/2013 09:21

I also get it's the obligation to be free that's annoying you, but it is 1 day out of 365!

We have the same sort of arrangement - my family all go to the same campsite and have done for 60 years - every summer. The Bank holiday Sunday is our 'family BBQ'. But no-one minds or is offended if someone doesn't make it.

Between having children, some in forces, some working etc its a everyone who can, will, event.

Jut make it clear to MIL you love the actual event but that if something else came up that weekend in a future year you would have to decline - eg childs swimming gala, birthday party etc.

MidniteScribbler · 27/05/2013 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

emess · 27/05/2013 09:22

OP, if you don't want to go, can I go in your place?

gummybear13 · 27/05/2013 09:24

MidniteScribbler Sad

Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 09:25

Thanks for all the responses.

Those people who say I am being mean and childish seem to think that I don't want to go. To be clear, I do enjoy them (as I said upfront in my OP) especially as I completely see the value of the cousins getting to play together - it's DH you need to tell this to, he doesn't want to socialise with his family if he can ever help it. Left to him, we would never see his mum, and on other family occasions eg christenings it has been me taking our DC while he has played cricket or done other things. So this isn't about being a crap DiL.

I think people who have picked up on the obligation point have it right, so thanks for helping me understand that. Attendance isn't mandatory, but the last time DH didn't turn up to something MiL got his sister to call him and say how upset MiL was, so there is a strong pressure to go.

I acknowledged straight up that I am BU about the whole Family Day label. I will just grit my teeth - or try to throw myself into it, maybe I'll be the one to get the t shirts printed Grin

I hadn't thought that in due course the DC will come to look forward to a fixed date. I'm thinking about proposing that we get together roughly the same time each year (ie same month), not necessarily the exact same weekend, so that there is a bit of flexibility around the date. DH's family isn't so huge that we couldn't agree the date a few months in advance rather than it being set in stone for ever.

DH simply isn't close to his DM- when he left for Uni at 18 he didn't go back home (almost literally - the fist Xmas he spent with her after he left home was after we had been together for a year, and I encouraged him to build that bridge again). No big falling out or argument, he just isn't close to her. I think there's a whole other thread there!

OP posts:
Irishchic · 27/05/2013 09:25

The most worrying thing about the post seems to have slipped by un-noticed......why do you talk to your MIL more than to your DH?

I think OP means she talks more to her MIL than her dh talks to her MIL.

seeker · 27/05/2013 09:26

"Jut make it clear to MIL you love the actual event but that if something else came up that weekend in a future year you would have to decline - eg childs swimming gala, birthday party etc."

Yep. Make it clear that it's a good idea, but absolutely anything else that happens will take precedence. Because she's a MiL, and therefore is the absolute bottom of the relationship pile. So her annual gathering is less important than your child's classmate' birthday party. Sad

HerrenaHarridan · 27/05/2013 09:26

Yabu!

Sorry but you are!

It's one day ffs, by making it the same day every year you know when you are expected to make yourself available and she doesn't have to spend months agonising over trying to balance an agreement.

Yes it's a obligation, family comes with some of them. Count yourself lucky to have family an keep 1 bloody day free for her.

mrsjay · 27/05/2013 09:27

I think OP means she talks more to her MIL than her dh talks to her MIL.

this is how I took it as well when they go to MIL is is the OP who talks to her the most the Husband seems just as apathetic about her day as the OP

Original poster
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 09:29

Cheers for that Midnightscribbler...

Youarewinning, thanks, I think you're right about needing to be clear that we can't guarantee to keep the day free but we will always try to.

emess, sorry, but I do want to go so no, you can't go in my place Smile

OP posts: