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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
McKayz · 27/05/2013 08:05

YABU, I see no problem with any of it. A fixed day is much better than just some random day. You can plan around it.

Sounds like a lovely day.

mrsscoob · 27/05/2013 08:05

Wow you sound so lovely op Hmm If you dislike the idea so much why not just send the kids and hubby along and just stay home. You get a day to yourself and your mil won't have to pick up your not wanting to be there vibes. That way everyone has a nicer day.

GrassIsntGreener · 27/05/2013 08:12

It sounds fab! We have days when we congregate at mil's, we all eat loads, drink loads and the children have fantastic, memorable fun. Lovely days. Having it the same day every year does make it easy to plan around too.

changeforthebetter · 27/05/2013 08:16

here's another grip in case you didn't get the previous one. get over yourself. what exactly is your problem - the name is cheesy but otherwise it sounds fine. MIL does the work. you just have to turn up? Im not a big fan of competitive misery but I bet there's a fair few of us on here who would swap "problems" with you.

NatashaBee · 27/05/2013 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 27/05/2013 08:22

Good to see that there are things that even the professional MIL haters can't support!

DoJo · 27/05/2013 08:26

You sound a bit mean - just because you don't have a large family, don't deny your children the opportunity to be a part of one.

frustratedashell · 27/05/2013 08:27

Sorry I can't see the problem. Sounds lovely.its only one day.

adeucalione · 27/05/2013 08:28

She's doing it out of love.

She's doing it on the same day every year to maximise attendance.

Her enthusiasm suggests that other family members have told her they enjoy it.

She calls it Family Day as it's a shorthand reference that everyone understands.

She is not asking you to host, financially contribute or even attend if something else comes up.

You sound mean, childish and I bet anything you will look back and feel ashamed in 20 years when you start thinking how lovely it would be to have all your DCs visit on the same day.

MrsMook · 27/05/2013 08:29

I get it about the sense of obligation even though you don't necessarliy mind.

I get the same feeling about my DN's birthday parties. I like my BiL/SiL (although we are very different) it's just somehow it feels like a Big Deal, and that we must conform, and be neatly scheduled in and be neatly punctual. (I think it comes from when their DCs were little and all meet-ups (including at ours) had to be done on their routine whether we liked it or not, and still seem to be now we have infants- our routines don't seem to be on the radar (although we do things at baby o'clock, but there doesn't seem like an allowence for that). They're the kind of people that can't cope with doing something different (like us wanting to take the DNs to the zoo for their birthday rather than buying yet another duplicate toy and being asked for the reciept on things like Lego kits). I know when their birthdays are a year in advance, but I don't want to fix that date in my diary ad infinatum as it's the time of year when other things come up, often Guiding events that I don't have an influence on timing.

So Family Day would give me the heebie jeebies, even though I would enjoy going once I was there and hadn't sacrificed something that mattered more to me to be there.

Snog · 27/05/2013 08:31

Sounds great to me
If you have an unmissable calendar clash then you can miss a year

Awomansworth · 27/05/2013 08:32

My mum hosted a family get together every year before she sadly died very suddenly... I have now taken over the tradition and we have it on mums birthday every year in the summer, so outside usually. Everyone looks forward to it and it's a great way to celebrate mums life and memory.

I really don't see the problem... it's once a year and surely if it's on the same day it's easier to plan for.

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2013 08:38

Oh, be glad of the pre-set date. We have a similar arrangement to yours but other than that the day will be sometime in the summer, no fixed date. Cue weeks and weeks of faffing, negotiation and renegotiation when BiL suddenly 'discovers' a really interesting stream rally 30 miles away, so could we change to Saturday week instead.......

Honestly, a pre-set date is a huge blessing. And it is nice to all get together once a year, cheesy name regardless.

MadeOfStarDust · 27/05/2013 08:40

we have a member of the family who does "Family Day" too - so I totally get where you are coming from OP....

it is another "control" issue in our family, an obligation, a duty - if you don't turn up - hissy fits for a year - "well of course you wouldn't know such and such -you didn't come to family day after all....." etc, etbloodycetera.

"ALL I'm asking for is one day when ALL the family get together"

perplexedpirate · 27/05/2013 08:41

ZacharyQuack that is a wonderful idea and I think you have just saved my Christmas!
FWIW, I quite like my PIL. We just have nothing in common, extended family even more so. Is it so scandalous to want to avoid spending time with people you have nothing to say to?
I'm assuming that Family Day isn't instead of a pre existing celebration but an addition
to an already crowded calendar. So birthdays, mothers' day, fathers' day, anniversaries, religious holidays, weddings, christenings, Christmas, etc will still all stand, and now Family Day as well!
Shock

Bobyan · 27/05/2013 08:48

It would grate on me actually, but my mil is a bit of a cow.
If you get on with her, then just humour her.

MrsWolowitz · 27/05/2013 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rindercella · 27/05/2013 08:51

I think you are hellbent on creating a problem where there should be none. It's One Day A Year. Just one day a year that you can get together with your husband's extended family. What a lovely thing for your MIL to want to do. And how considerate of her not to attach it to someone's birthday (so it's about the whole family, not just one person) and to have it on the same day so people can arrange their hectic lives, knowing this is one date to keep free. And you can have the remaining 364 days of the year to yourselves.

YABU. And I have the feeling that you will only acknowledge the very few people who agree with you Hmm

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 27/05/2013 08:52

OP, if you said you'd rather not have a fixed date but everyone else said that would suit them better, what is MIL supposed to do?

Days like this in our family have the date set by the host and people can come or not as they choose - DBro was on holiday for the last one, no problem.

HomeEcoGnomist · 27/05/2013 08:52

OP - on the whole, I think this does sound fairly innocuous, o would just suck it up.

MeiMeiMeiMei · 27/05/2013 08:55

Oops they've arrived!

seeker · 27/05/2013 08:55

"Add message | Report | Message poster seeker Mon 27-May-13 08:22:29
Good to see that there are things that even the professional MIL haters can't support!"

Oh, I was wrong. Here they come!

mrsjay · 27/05/2013 08:55

I think it sounds lovely honestly it is no big deal I wish our family did it would be amazing fun, I don't get your gripe your mil wants her family around her for 1 day a year

nkf · 27/05/2013 08:56

I think it sounds wonderful and I envy you.

HomeEcoGnomist · 27/05/2013 08:57

Sorry, posted too soon...

Suck it up...unless you start getting instructions to print up annual Family Day t shirts and wear them to the event
(Like the family on grey's anatomy, who were doing a family tug of war and a few people got their fingers severed - the uncle organising it did not get many thanks)

Then I may give it a swerve

Wink