To not want an annual "Family Day"

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

MY dds havn't seen their cousins for 7 years the brothers DH and BIl dont get on, it is the only cousins they have I think it is really sad for them bil preferred his Inlaws to us brothers company so the dds miss out , mil died 10 years ago so they have no family around on dads side , OP just go to the bloody family day

This thread isn't going anywhere.

The OP asks AIBU. A resounding chorus of YABU with some people trying to show the OP how lucky she is to have a family and to explain quite how petty she is being.

The OP persists in believing that she is reasonable and that it is heinously unreasonable to have one fixed date a year, and would like to propose a floating date instead.

There is no rhyme or reason to why a floating day (which would surely be less convenient all round) would be preferable.

If there is no reasoning with someone it is generally better not to try.

it sounds like the controlling old besom wants to rule your lives. i can see why you wouldn't want a particular day or weekend monopolising by her 'family day'. who is she to tell you what you can or can't do on a particular date? tell her you've made other plans this year but you'd love to be invited again in future.

i cannot imagine why mn cannot see your point of view.

That is sad, mrsjay. I didn't have any cousins when I was growing up and I do feel envious that my DC have cousins on both sides of the family that are roughly the same age as them, and I hope they will stay close as they get older.

We will go to the Family Day, but I will speak to MiL about the current date (because I think there will be too many clashes with it in the future and we could keep another date clear more easily, to avoid future problems)

seeker Whoops -I didn't mean that it was more important Meant that by setting it in stone it doesn't allow for other events that may take place that same weekend in the coming years. That if it happens, but date is flexable and can be rearranged it's less pressure. I don't think a child who has worked and trained hard for eg a swimming gala, dance competition etc etc will be happier on a family get together.

My family is HUGE. Think - mum is 1 of 7, those 7 have 17 children between them, those 17 now have 9 and another on the way. Husband, partners and boyfriends etc. Sadly my nan passed away suddenly in February.
Sometimes, despite us knowing when our family BBQ is - someone/ a family just cannot make it.

"We will go to the Family Day, but I will speak to MiL about the current date (because I think there will be too many clashes with it in the future and we could keep another date clear more easily, to avoid future problems)"

Wow-psychic as well!

Wuldric, I agree the thread has run its course (to be honest, I didn't expect it to go on as long as it has). I have said that I've taken on board lots of the comments. I even said upfront in my OP that I thought I was probably BU, most people have said I am and lots have given me food for thought about it and how to handle it. I'm genuinely grateful for that. I'm not banging on about being right and everyone else is wrong, even though there have been a fair few posters who have said I am not BU, so not sure where that's come from.

I notice that those who thought I wasn't going to come back to the thread, and those who called me a cow, mean etc haven't engaged further, though. Guess that's just AIBU.

seeker, no I'm not psychic - but, for example, the colts cricket league my son plays in doesn't have fixtures after a certain point in the summer, so it would seem sensible to put the date after that to avoid clashes.

We have a family weekend a year where everyone stays in the same place, usually in tents/caravans. I always enjoy it BUT do understand why it could feel like a burden OP so why you feel the way you do. Half the reason why I enjoy it is every year DH and I make the decision to go, without pressure, knowing that if we didn't it would be OK. There are no dramas if someone can't make it, for example last year one sister didn't come and it didn't matter. I think that if I felt we HAD to go every year, I'd want to go much less

Sorry for adding my bit once it was agreed thread was done

I read your OP and wonder if your disquiet is not because of the actual 'event' but because your MIL is behaving as the 'matriarch' of The Family (capitals ) and that is what's grating on you? You have your own family now and it's hard to be 'summoned' even for something that is quite enjoyable.

I feel like this when my mum does it; I love her very much but her attempting to still 'gain control' by summoning us really irritates me and I seethe quietly.

Haven't read whole thread but would be interested to know what her reaction would be if you said you couldn't make it.

Lovely idea - and I would prefer the same weekend as you can always plan
Mil sounds lovely
Yabu

Horsemad - nothing would be said direct (she doesn't do confrontation) but on a previous occasion she got DH's sister to phone him to say how upset she was about non-attendance. So it is pretty much obligatory if we want to avoid a fuss

Hmmm, thanks alpine

X-post

Stand your ground OP - go if you want but not if there's something else you'd rather attend.

I don't like my social life being 'managed' by other people, so understand your concerns.

"Stand you ground"

Oh, ffs!
Does it ruffle your feathers when people manage your social life by inviting you to their birthday parties on -gasp- their birthday?

I don't like my social life being 'managed' by other people, so understand your concerns. it's ONE day! you can do what you want the other 364!

First of all, I think family day is a great idea and I have organised a few for my own massive family. Having lost a few relatives quite suddenly, it is even more important. DH and I find that although many of our relatives lives within an hour away, it can be three years between seeing them if we don't arrange a day.

Secondly, as the voice of experiences, if you let loads of people choose the day or have a say in the date, you will never, ever get a day when everyone can make it. In fact, even if you set it ins tone, there will be people who are ill on the day.

I feel very sad for the MIL trying to organise it. She has less time left in this world than the younger people who seem impatient with the idea. We will be old ourselves one day, and looking back it will be family that we cherish most, not jobs or cars or holidays.

Also, it's important for children to know their cousins as they are hopefully, some of the friends they will have when parents and uncles/aunts have long gone.

It's shame if the next funeral you got to is of a person you loved or liked but hadn't seen for four years because there hadn't been a wedding to meet up at.

Family day is one day out of a whole year and I think more people should do it.

*seeker - I don't ruffle easily

My life is MINE and I don't live it to please others. If it suits me I attend and if not then I don't.

"My life is MINE and I don't live it to please others. If it suits me I attend and if not then I don't."

And what about your children? What if they wanted to go to their grandma's family day? Would you say no if you didn't fancy it?