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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
ChocsAwayInMyGob · 28/05/2013 13:47

WorrySigh, it's worth a try though. surely? it's hardly a three line whip. it's an optional family gathering. It's like a wedding. You can always say no or pretend to be ill.

Obviously some families will all hate each other in which case a gathering might be counter productive.

However, it is a sad fact that often families only see each other at funerals and it's too late for the poor sod who has died.

"Aw I feel really sad Uncle Jim's dead, even though I hadn't seen him for nine years because our lives are busy"

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 16:47

Not everyone feels the same way about family as you.

This is fine as long as you realise that your DCs may feel the same way about you as they become adults.
I preferred to keep close family ties and my adult DCs just assume that it is normal. I am pleased to say that their girlfriends so far have been very family orientated. Families are important. My DSs girlfriends are happy to spend time with us-even without my DSs being around. They don't feel 'noble' that they are making some supreme effort to have to deal with the horrors of actually talking to their boyfriend's grandmother or cousin!

The poor woman in OP is only suggesting a date for the entire family to meet-she hasn't even taken one like a birthday where you could exert emotional blackmail. What could be easier than settling on a date, well in advance-at no point has it been said that it is set in stone-had OP got a wedding, was going on holiday then I'm sure they could change it.

perplexedpirate · 28/05/2013 17:14

Worry is right. Forcing people into a function room and laying on a bit of buffet will not suddenly mean everyone gets on like a house on fire.
Some people really aren't bothered about having to constantly check in with second-cousins-twice-removed. When people (I'm looking at you mil) ignore this it comes across as pushy and rude.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 28/05/2013 17:14

Problem for the OP is that it is a 3-line whip. OP mentioned up thread that non attendance at family events is chased up by a relative detailed to express how upset MiL is.

I dont think that the OP is wanting to cut her family off just not be forced into a fixed regular event. Even if only once a year these things can develop a life of their own and if one isnt keen to start with it quickly becomes a chore.

IME you have the first one. Everyone says 'wasnt it fun!'. Then instead of just letting it lie and seeing if it is possible to get together again at some point in the future there will be a few people who try to replicate the event. The following year isnt as much fun. Before you know it a duty event is born.

thebody · 28/05/2013 17:19

Oh for gods sake!! It's once a year!! Bet you bitch about it but couldn't be arsed to organise one yourself.

Wish my lovely mil was alive so I could see her for a family fun day.

It's lovely for the cousins to get together as well.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 28/05/2013 17:25

exoticfruits:

This is fine as long as you realise that your DCs may feel the same way about you as they become adults.

That is fine by me. My DCs are growing into adulthood now. I dont expect to be inviting them to big family parties. We dont have them now so dont anticipate starting the habit in my dotage.

thebody

It's lovely for the cousins to get together as well.

Why? I wouldnt know mine if I tripped over them in the street. Not everyone grows up surrounded by extended family. Not everyone is that bothered.

TheresTheDoor · 28/05/2013 17:37

That's very sad WorrySigh. i know my extended family from annual get togethers and knowing them has really enriched my life.

I've got some great cousins and become friends with their wives and now our kids play together.

It makes me feel sad when people don't even want to try.

thebody · 28/05/2013 17:41

Of course not everyone is bothered but that's a bit sad isn't it?

The ops mil is arranging a once a year meet up not a six weeks family holiday.

It's not exactly a big ask is it really???

WorrySighWorrySigh · 28/05/2013 17:51

You might be sad, I'm not sad. For me this is no different from not knowing a random person in the street.

The OP's MiL isnt simply wanting to arrange a meet up at a mutually convenient time. She is wanting to create a fixed Family Day. Date non-negotiable, attendance non-negotiable. That does IMO make it a big ask. The longer it goes on the harder it is to say 'doesnt work for us'.

perplexedpirate · 28/05/2013 18:00

What's sad about it?
A lot of people on this thread seen to have a problem understanding that what is important to them may mean nothing to others.
I choose to spend time with people I find funny, clever, interesting. Not people with whom I have nothing in common who are 'related' to me by a series of random chances.

badguider · 28/05/2013 18:05

Once a year sounds reasonable to me for a fixed gathering - it would be impossible to consult everybody and find a mutually convenient date so just set it and try to make it, but if there's a wedding or holiday then make your apologies and ignore any guilt trips.

My DHs family do this one day between xmas and new year and it's nice to catch up with people I wouldn't see otherwise, we see his dsis, bil, mil etc but not the cousins, aunts and grandparents.

My family are more spread and only see each other at weddings and funerals which is sad.. particularly as it seems to be a lot more funerals than weddings these days.

Glimmerberry · 28/05/2013 18:05

Once a year? Getting the whole family together? Sounds horrendous. What an evil creature she must be Hmm .

OP, I think you've just defined 1st world problem for me (if noone has pointed this out already).

bumasbigasthetv · 28/05/2013 18:07

I think it sounds a lovely idea

daftdame · 28/05/2013 18:09

OP I would say you will go if you want to / can. Don't go if you don't want to / can't.

If you don't even attempt to manage people's expectations, it makes things much simpler.

Crinkle77 · 28/05/2013 18:24

It's one day out of 365 so surely not that big a deal

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 19:21

That is fine by me. My DCs are growing into adulthood now. I dont expect to be inviting them to big family parties. We dont have them now so dont anticipate starting the habit in my dotage.

That is not a problem for you then. Luckily mine are adults and we continue the way we always have and I would hate your way. We are all different-it is just sad if someone comes into the family with radically different views.

FryOneFatManic · 28/05/2013 20:03

thebody
It's lovely for the cousins to get together as well.

I have cousins on my dad's side that I don't know. I don't even know all their names. His family is dysfunctional and I have no desire to meet them.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 28/05/2013 20:15

I agree exoticfruits that it can be difficult, nuclear and extended family people stare at each other over a chasm of incomprehension. DH & I are both nuclear family people but my DM & DH's DPs are all extended family people. They dont understand why we arent interested in the doings of cousins, aunts, uncles. We dont understand why they are! Forget politics, perhaps questions about this should be part of marriage preparation courses.

exoticfruits · 28/05/2013 22:16

I can't understand how you can bring up your own DCs and then just expect them to cut you off when they find partners. I agree we are all different, but it must be very difficult when you get parents and children with such different ideas.

Horsemad · 28/05/2013 22:59

I don't think anyone, esp the OP is suggesting cutting off parents once adulthood is reached.

It takes all sorts as my DGM used to say.

My DC have never met their first cousins - only ones they've got (my side - not my doing, I must add) and they have none on their father's side. It's not the end of the world.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 06:44

OP is suggesting that MIL wanting one day a year to get her family together is 'controlling' rather than pleasurable.
This attitude is fine if you are not going to have any intention of being like her. Mine are all scattered and I absolutely love it to have them all together.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 06:44

What goes around, comes around, in my experience.

seeker · 29/05/2013 07:38

Worrysighworry- so do your children have nothing to do with the children of your and your partner's siblings?

springtide · 29/05/2013 07:57

Is it such a hardship to commit to one day a year? I have such a small family - unfortunately my DF died 10 years ago and my MIL before we even married. Both my brothers live abroad and whilst we all get on famiy gatherings tend to be only for special occasions. I love the idea of an annual Family Day!

wordfactory · 29/05/2013 08:05

I think extended family get togethers are fine provided they are not obligatory and no one is made to feel bad if they're a no show.

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