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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
WorrySighWorrySigh · 29/05/2013 08:46

Seeker - no, there are big age differences plus actually not very many cousins

Horsemad · 29/05/2013 09:31

exotic - it"s the 'fixed date' I think that rankles with the OP.

seeker · 29/05/2013 09:41

That's just stupid. If the OP has a problem with a fixed date, just imagine how pissed off she would be about the email traffic necessary to organise a different date every year...

This is just another "Mils are Automatically in the Wrong" thread.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 10:55

If you are trying to arrange a date with a lot of people it becomes impossible! It involves endless emails/phone calls. If I was doing it I would pick a date and then work around that-if people can't do it I would suggest another-much simpler. Nowhere has OP suggested that MIL isn't flexible-she appears to just want these things to be 'spontaneous' which I find is impossible with more than one family involved.

I think it very sad if people make no effort to get DCs together with cousins-because it 'isn't the end of the world' to them.
My mother didn't know a lot of her cousins-probably because her parents took the same view.
My DCs have cousins over 20 years older than them-I don't see why this rules out meeting them. When I was little I loved having cousins much older-they gave me a lot of attention. The more I read MN the more weird I think that some people are!

You just have to hope that people who are not family orientated meet like minded people and vice versa. I know that if my DSs get married their whole extended family is not going to fade away-we will still be there!

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 10:56

It would be interesting to know if the mothers of DDs have the same problem.

gwenniebee · 29/05/2013 11:10

We have a "Happy Family Day" (used just to be Family Day but one of the littlies renamed it) once a year if there is no other cause for family reunion (like a wedding or similar). It varies as to date but is normally in the children's summer holidays and varies as to host but is usually one of three places owing to the number of people. This year we will have about 40 people ranging in age from 7 months to nearly 75 years. It's one of the best days of the year.

I do agree that if it is a three line whip it becomes a little more like enforced jollity - fortunately for us it isn't compulsory.

MadeOfStarDust · 29/05/2013 11:18

exoticfruits Others such as myself think it is "weird" to want to meet up with extended family - my brothers and sister are living all over the world - they have married/divorced/remarried (add another divorced/remarried/divorced in one case) had children with different partners - as have my parents, 2 aunts and 3 uncles -so who exactly should be invited to these "happy" family get togethers

AaDB · 29/05/2013 11:22

YANBU.

Family Day; set in stone as an annual event so you must attend (or fear a call from DSiL on behalf on MiL Confused).

The choice is yours. If you have other things on, don't go and don't feel guilty.

I don't like to organise the fun out of getting together. My Dad does this and insists and photographs - just his family no partners or GC and it really gets on my baps. I'd rather get together separately as it means you get a more quality time to catch up.

Horsemad · 29/05/2013 11:25

Yes, I bet my MIL wonders why my DH married me, because he's very family orientated whereas to me my DH & DC are my priority.

However, he knew this before marrying me and it's not like I'm all for my family and not his, so nobody can say I'm biased.

AaDB · 29/05/2013 11:29

Not wanted to commit to an annual event does not mean that you won't see people throughout the year.

Sheesh, the OP is getting a hard time. My OH is responsible for making plans with his family. The OP is making sure her DC have a good relationship with her ILs; her OH can't be arsed.

JedwardScissorhands · 29/05/2013 11:35

I think this has nothing to do with MIL bashing; I would object to anyone creating this forced family fun day. The fact that it is on the same day each year means there is a sense of obligation. However nice it may be to get together, I would start to resent this being done to me.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 11:47

My OH is responsible for making plans with his family.
This is where we differ-it is now 'our' family. I often see PIL on my own, DH sees my mother on his own sometimes-he even sees DH1's parents on his own if he is in the area.
Luckily, so far DSs girlfriends have been the same-I would hate to have one who wants to isolate him into 'their own little family' and it beats me why you want your DCs to have 'their own little family' when they are adults. I know DS's girlfriend's mother, aunt, grandmother-DS certainly knows them all and she knows all DS's family.
I can't be doing with 'it is his mother-he has to deal with her and make arrangements with her'.
We are all nice reasonable people!!

I would start to resent this being done to me.
Why be so passive? Why not get in first and do it at your house one year, your way? Suggest a picnic somewhere. You don't have to have anything 'done to you'.

Suttonmum1 · 29/05/2013 11:54

Set expectations about your attendance now. Plan something else that means you miss at least half of Family day this year. A fixed date is then to your advantage as you can plan other things in advance when you wish to miss the whole thing.

It is really not worth trying to get the date changed as people's (yours, cousins etc) commitments change so much as kids grow.

Providing you set up the expectation that you will not be there for the full thing every year then exactly when she holds it really doesn't matter.

seeker · 29/05/2013 11:57

"Set expectations about your attendance now. Plan something else that means you miss at least half of Family day this year. A fixed date is then to your advantage as you can plan other things in advance when you wish to miss the whole thing."

Jesus wept- do people actually think like this???Sad

AaDB · 29/05/2013 12:00

I am 'nice and reasonable'. My OH should take responsibility for interacting his own family. We both work full time and I have no desire or time to be PA/social secretary for him.

I get on OK with my ILs however their rules of engagement are baffling to me. I someone upsets me, I either sort it out directly or agree to disagree. I have no fecking time for one adult calling me on behalf of another because someone is 'upset'.

Standautocorrected · 29/05/2013 12:06

I think it sounds lovely if you have inlaws like my friend. Or it sounds like a nightmare if you have inlaws like me. That said, I would do it once per year just for my children's sake.
But you say you get on well with mil and others in the extended family.
I think if you don't do it, you will regret it.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 29/05/2013 12:23

exoticfruits - what will you do if one of your DCs pairs off with someone who doesnt share your family view? Will you still be demanding family visits? Will you call on them mob-handed insisting that you are all family so they have to be pleased to see you?

I am curious because my DH's family are very much into the whole extended family thing. My DH isnt. DMiL has struggled for years with this, failing to understand why we dont drop everything to visit when some random from the family is visiting them. DH has two brothers. One is very much into the extended family thing the other is like my DH and seems to be very much meh about the whole thing.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 29/05/2013 12:48

I love my MIL and also enjoy these types of family events but I kind of see where the OP is coming from here.

My MIL always likes to do something special with the family on her birthday. Unfortunately her birthday is slap bang in the middle of August. This means that we have to arrange our main summer holiday around her birthday every year. It does make it tricky , especially as DH has to book his time off taking his colleagues dates into consideration too.

We also have a similar situation with a group of friends. It has become a bit of a tradition now that we always get together for a day out on the August Bank Holiday weekend. If we decided to book to go away over that weekend I'd worry that they would be offended.

AaDB · 29/05/2013 12:50

My DM/Dmil expect a female (DIL or DD) to act as Family Liaison. Fuck.that.shit.

I have independent relationships with some of my ILs, as does my DH.

I don't want to attend forced days of Family Fun

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 29/05/2013 12:53

It's once a year. Surely it can't be that much of an imposition?

MadeOfStarDust · 29/05/2013 13:08

It's once a year. Surely it can't be that much of an imposition?

Yes - yes it can be - not everyone has a perfect family - or even a perfect "enough" family - and in our case travelling 700 miles to stay in a cramped and crappy B&B in the back of beyond to be whinged and moaned at for not going last year or whatever - it is not going to happen here...

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 16:04

exoticfruits - what will you do if one of your DCs pairs off with someone who doesnt share your family view? Will you still be demanding family visits? Will you call on them mob-handed insisting that you are all family so they have to be pleased to see you?

I can't imagine it happening-it isn't the way they were brought up. So far they have had lovely friends and lovely girlfriends, so I trust their judgement. I can't see it changing. They would be very upset to miss out on family occasions when they enjoy them. I would call it the first sign of a partner being emotionally abusive if they tried to isolate their partner from friends and family. I can't see it happening, but I expect we would just carry on as normal and in the end DS would see the problem.

It appears to me that the whole thing is impossible!

  1. MIL approaches the DIL with a date: WRONG she is HIS mother so he should deal with her.
  2. MIL approaches her DS with a date :WRONG he arranges it and he should have left it to DIL because she doesn't like the date.
  3. MIL leaves it to right near the time to be spontaneous :WRONG how dare the woman give no notice?
  4. MIL thinks it went well she will do it next year: WRONG this becomes a yearly event.
  5. MIL tries it two years later-might get away with it but WRONG if she then does it 2 years after that because it becomes 'regular'.
  6. MIL decides that she doesn't want to be thought controlling and so never tries to get her family together :WRONG -MIL shows no interest in the family.
  7. MIL sticks to her DCs and families who she knows enjoy getting together and like each other's company: WRONG -why does MIL show such favouritism and not bother with them?
  8. MIL decides to invite them to an event like her birthday : WRONG she is using emotional blackmail to get them there.

Best stick to weddings and funerals!

The whole thing is exhausting-I'm glad that as a family we can just get a date and those free are happy to attend without feeling 'noble' or 'manipulated'.
I also can't see much point in having children if you wave them off at 18yrs and only expect to see them if they are feeling dutiful-I am pleased that mine are over 18yrs and like our company!

AaDB · 29/05/2013 16:27

Blimey exotic I would call it the first sign of a partner being emotionally abusive if they tried to isolate their partner from friends and family.

Your DS may have lovely girlfriends that have been brought up well AND that don't like the same things/interact as you do. My own experience has made me realise that one families 'bum slap dance' is someone else's version of hell on earth.

Your DS and his partner may be busy with jobs and bringing up children. Maybe it isn't about what you want?

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 16:30

Luckily DS lives with a girlfriend who actually likes spending time with us-even without DS.
I am actually very laid back-we suggest dates and generally we find something to suit us all-maybe because they are keen to find a date too. There is no 'three line whip'!

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 16:31

I think that you will find that emotionally abusive partners do try and stop normal contact with family and friends.