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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 16:33

I know someone now (a perfectly pleasant woman) who has virtually lost contact with her DS because his partner makes it so difficult -and he is easy going and lets her.

MyShoofly · 29/05/2013 16:34

YABU

Really? You resent the woman wanting to have a special day with family once a year. She is you husbands mother - would you want your DIL to resent such a request?

Suck it up and be a good sport.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 16:35

I can see that Family Day might be a bit irritating. If you actually enjoy them OP, then why not have a word and ask her not to label them?

MyShoofly · 29/05/2013 16:42

I pray my beautiful DS's don't have partners who can't wait to put me in my place every 5 min Sad

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 16:48

I think it is all down to how they were brought up MyShoofly, if you have always had open house and enjoyed the company of extended family they are going to view it very differently from those who divide it into 'his and hers' and make it quite plain it is a nuisance, not pleasurable and done with bad grace because 'it is good for the DCs to have the relationship' and expect a badge for being 'noble' or send them off with DH and opt out themselves. DCs do on the whole as you do.

seeker · 29/05/2013 16:50

Women positively hover to put their MIL's down, don't they?

I do hope my ds doesn't end up with a woman so insecure that she can't bear the though of him having a relationship with another woman- even the raddled old hag I will be by then!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 29/05/2013 17:25

I dont think you can claim it is simply how DCs have been brought up. There is also the experience of the extended family from the child's perspective.

My DH is the youngest of three but with fairly large age gaps. He and his siblings grew up with various cousins about plus grandparents close by. Problem for DH is that the cousins and siblings were teenage so didnt want to be bothered with a little hanger-on. For his siblings the grandparents were relatively young and fun. For DH they were infirm and in some cases curmudgeonly and downright unpleasant.

My DCs experience of their Grandparents (DH's parents) is very different from their cousins'. For the cousins the GPs were active and fun. For our DCs they are older and more infirm.

It is a different experience and changes the relationship.

Despite not being into the whole extended family thing DH actually does do an awful lot for his DPs. He may not give a squashed fly for the doings of his cousins but that doesnt mean he isnt the first person his DPs call when they need a hand with something.

Horsemad · 29/05/2013 17:42

exotic - if the family have 'normal' contact with the extended family, then it is not emotionally abusive to not agree with/like/attend a 'Family Day' Hmm

It could also be construed as the MIL being 'emotionally abusive' by her insistence on their attendance at such events if they do see each other 'normally'.

Honestly, get over yourself! Horses for courses and all that. Life is too short to spend in the company of those you'd prefer not to spend time with.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 19:02

I may get a bit OTT but I don't understand the problems.
When I got married I didn't come alone-I came with family and friends. DH got my mother-he was going to have to spend a lot of time with her-he was going to have my siblings and families staying in our house and visit them-this was not optional! He got all the rest-great aunt Elsie etc etc. IN DH's case he got my ILs from my first marriage-this was not an option either.
I simply wouldn't have married a man who was going to get difficult about having them to stay, spending time with them-not seeing them unless he happened to be with me.
People are reading a lot into OP-she actually likes them and enjoys the occasions-she just doesn't like the name and the way the date is fixed in advance. I can't see the problem with either.At no point has she said that her MIL isn't flexible-my reading is that if they happened to be on holiday MIL would either change the date or run it without them-she is not expecting them to miss the holiday!

I hope to have secure, happy, DILs because I have no intention of airbrushing myself out of DSs lives because they find it too much of an imposition to be invited around once a year!!

daftdame · 29/05/2013 19:11

exotic I think you may have to lay off a bit then...if you don't want to be airbrushed out. If you come across as too ... ahem... needy... then the DIL's may see fit too manage you. They may even move miles away to a very small house.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 19:13

Quite honestly -if you knew me that sentence is laughable-it is so untrue!

daftdame · 29/05/2013 19:15

Good Smile

Hope you're not just laughing at the atrocious grammar though!

SimplyRedHead · 29/05/2013 19:24

We had 'family daydream' every summer holidays for about 30 years.

They were organised by my dad's mum and my mum hated them. We went to every single one and they were the best days of my life.

I lost my beloved grandma a couple of years ago and would give anything I own to have just one more of them.

They will mean a lot to your family. Don't be so miserable and suck it up!

SimplyRedHead · 29/05/2013 19:25

Family day not family daydream!

AaDB · 29/05/2013 19:33

In the OP's case, her DH can't be bothered to keep in touch with his own DM. She is keen to foster a good relationship for her Dc and sounds like a lovely dil. She just doesn't want to be summoned to a forced day of Family Fun.

If my oh can't be arsed to make arrangements with his own parents, that's very sad but their problem. I'm not emotionally abusive because I don't want to make arrangements. If my ils want to blame me for keeping them apart from their child, oh well.

Our calendar is up to date and it's obvious when we are free. I'm happy to do what I can to be hospitable.

wordfactory · 29/05/2013 20:20

exotic you seem unable to even imagine that your children might meet someone for whom extended family affairs are not enjoyable.

But it does happen. I am froma huge close extended family.

But I married an absolutely georgous man whio happens to be quite shy and reserved. Who can think of nothing worse than attending my family's noisy gatherings.

He suffers them from time to time for my sake, but I try to inflict it on him as little as possible...

It's nothing personal, and my Mother is sensible enough to know that!

seeker · 29/05/2013 20:25

So if your partner doesn't like it, he/she doesn't go. There are another 364 days in the year!

wordfactory · 29/05/2013 20:33

Of course seeker but some MILs get very shirty!!!

Exotic seems to be saying that her DC would never choose partners like that! That it's far too important that they love all those gatherings!

And I'm saying, that life doesn't always work out that way. You can fall in love with someone who treats you with the utmost respect, who wants to care for you, have babies with you, basically be your rock. The issue of whether they like a wet bank holiday BBQ en famille is a small one!

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 22:00

I am just saying that luckily they haven't so far-all the girlfriends have been extremely family orientated, with extended families of their own that they are very close to. It could change but I doubt it.
In my case I simply wouldn't have married a man who was going to resent/spoil/refuse to spend time with my family.

Horsemad · 29/05/2013 22:08

It's all about compromise exotic Smile Sometimes we have to make sacrifices when we marry - even your DC might have to one day!

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 22:11

There are some things you can't compromise on-my DH got my mother, I see a lot of her-I want to see a lot of her and she stays in our house.

AaDB · 29/05/2013 22:15

I would not have married a man that made a big deal about this kind of thing. If you want to go, enjoy if not; fine too. Just because I don't want to get together for a Family Fun day does not mean that I am not family orientated. I love my family and friends and enjoy hosting.

I don't resent/spoil/refuse to spend time with my husband's family. They aren't the easiest people to be around and so DH doesn't spend much time with them.

I think it is important to foster the widest community for my DS. I grew up with a massive extended family and it was a pain in the arse. Quality over quantity is better in my experience.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2013 22:19

I think that we just have to agree we are all different-and just hope that we match up with similar types.

seeker · 29/05/2013 22:20

Even if I loathed all of my dp's extended family, as opposed to loathing some of them, I would put up with a family day every year. Because he loves his family, and our children belong to his family. And I HAVE no right to get between either of those relationships.

wordfactory · 30/05/2013 08:56

Well exotic it might have been one of your non negotiable things in a relationships.

But it is highly unreasonable to expect/assume it is one of your DCs non negotiables.

Foisting our values upon our DCs is so very wrong.