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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an annual "Family Day"

365 replies

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2013 05:18

I probably am...

MiL likes getting all her children and grandchildren together at her house for the day. I like it too, it's always good to catch up with the extended family and for the cousins to play together. But - and I know this is irrational - I can't abide the fact that she insists on calling them a Family Day. With capital letters. Grrrr.

I could live with this (just about) because I know it's my problem to deal with. But I am really struggling with the fact that she is trying to make it an annual fixture on the same weekend every year - and not linked to eg her birthday. A couple of years ago I (very politely) said that we have lots of other things going on, and didn't want to commit to an annual fixture, and I thought she had taken this on board. But the email summoning the clan has just come out, confirming that "the Family Day will be on X, as usual".

How do I respond? I don't want to say we aren't going, because our DC would miss out on seeing their family. But if we just go, then we are by default signing up to an annual Family Day. Which I really really don't want to do. I also don't want to cause a rift with a MiL I get along with really well.

DH would be quite happy not to go, BTW, and I talk to MiL far more than him.

Help me navigate this one, oh wise MNers!

PS is a Family Day a thing other families do, or something MiL has created?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 30/05/2013 09:04

I don't think we need to 'foist' our values on our DCs-they live with us from birth and they take them in subconsciously -they are likely to do as we do.

exoticfruits · 30/05/2013 09:05

Or so I have found-knowing a lot of DCs from babies to adults.
You will get exceptions of course.

exoticfruits · 30/05/2013 09:07

In my case I can't see that it was negotiable-I married having a family and I wasn't going to give them up.

Hullygully · 30/05/2013 09:11

I think it's a nice idea and really quite simple. You go if you can, and if something trumps it, dinner with the Queen or a trip to the moon whatever, you just say soz can't make it this year.

Can't see a prob

wordfactory · 30/05/2013 09:36

Exotic - yes indeed people pass along things thinkingly and unthinkingly. That is the default setting. But surely we want our DC to think for themselves. To find their own values and ways to live. The idea that you would consider it 'impossible' that your DC should choose to live differenyly to you is pretty narrow.

daftdame · 30/05/2013 09:42

People don't like the feeling of being tied down Hully

Ultimately your advice is the only solution (apart from something much more mundane possibly 'trumping' the Family Day Grin). There is also the emotionally 'can' (bring yourself to...).

So you grin and bare it...or don't and ignore any digs. I would suggest a mixture, all being fair and all that...

seeker · 30/05/2013 09:44

Bloody Christmas. Same bloody day every year. I hate being tied down.

daftdame · 30/05/2013 09:48

Grin ScrOOOOOOOOOOOOge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wordfactory · 30/05/2013 09:49

Oh don't be daft seeker. Christmas is accepted on a macro level by schools and employers and everyone else, that we will be with our families. The rest of the year is trickier. There are work commitments (imagine that!) And school. And people live all over the place. Placing a random commitment elsewhwere is pretty intrusive.

daftdame · 30/05/2013 09:55

There could be PIL Birthdays, Family day, Race Day, Annual Barbecue, Annual Trip To Seaside, PIL Wedding Anniversary, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter Sunday Lunch, DH's Birthday, Kid's Birthdays, Bonfire Night, Your Wedding Anniversary, Halloween...(te hee) etc etc. List goes on.

If you can't do it all en extended family don't s'what I say. Pick and choose tis the only way.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 30/05/2013 10:04

Yes, but of course if a work commitment or something comes up that clashes, you need to be able to choose to do that. It's the notion that it is on principle wrong to plan something to happen on the same day every year. That does just come across as 'can't do right for doing wrong'. If you get nagged to death for missing a year, then yes, that's not really on. But I don't see why it is inherently unreasonable to keep to the same date/weekend - surely that's helpful because you know when it is?

Hullygully · 30/05/2013 10:05

It's just a nice thing to add on to the calendar: Xmas, birthdays, Easter, family day.

Not everyone can make everything, but it's there as a nice jolly thing to go to if poss.

Still not getting the problem.

DontmindifIdo · 30/05/2013 10:07

I was thinking about this earlier, does anyone else remember the thread around Mothers day from a teacher who was going to cancel a boy's place in the school play because he couldn't come to dress rehersal because he had to go to his Grandparents' house for a big family day?

The thread was split between those who told her she was mean and it wasn't the boy's fault he had to go to his GPs and those who said that a family meet up wasn't important and he should have done the rehersal. (and from both side others - saying it was a bit mean putting it on mothers day because even those who did go might be missing family events and upsetting relatives/family traditions). It seemed unfair, that boy had worked hard but because his family did a 3 line whip on the Mother's day event he lost his place for something that mattered to him.

Be careful about a family traditional event you can't miss and can't move that might happen on the same date as something that your DCs care about. Try to get the date when it's unlikely to have clashes!

DontmindifIdo · 30/05/2013 10:09

Hully - i think the problem is that missing it will not be tolerated by MIL and SIL. so the OP is reluctant to set it up in the first place. (that and a lot of people have a natural averson to "organised fun")

Hullygully · 30/05/2013 10:16

"not be tolerated"

They can't SHOOT her, can they?

Just smile sweetly and say soz, can't make it. How could anyone mind??

If they do mind, they're raving barkers and who cares what they think anyway?

seeker · 30/05/2013 10:22

Dd's bloody birthday. Same bloody day every year. I hate being tied down.....

mrsjay · 30/05/2013 10:25

Bloody Christmas. Same bloody day every year. I hate being tied down.

such a bind Grin

seeker · 30/05/2013 10:31

Bloody Easter. Same day every year. I hate being.......... No, wait........

daftdame · 30/05/2013 10:47

Some of us are just busy being freee!

wordfactory · 30/05/2013 11:27

But neither Easter nor birthdays have to be celebrated in any particular way. You can do it en famille. Or with mates. Or go on holiday. There is no commitment or expectation.

wordfactory · 30/05/2013 11:31

Hully I agree. If someone throws a party there should be no expectation of attendence. But that's not what the op is saying. And that's not the relaxed attitude being displyed by many MILs of the future on this thread!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/05/2013 13:04

The OP has said that non-attendance at other events has resulted in a relative being detailed to phone OP's DH to tell him just how upset his DM is.

The problem with fixing the date every year is that it does end up as yet another Christmas where it always has to be done the same way or someone gets upset.

Being more flexible and just sending out invitations (one year it's a summer barbecue, another year it's bonfire night or whatever) allows family to get together without the expectation of the event being written in tablets of stone.

Hullygully · 30/05/2013 13:17

good lord

if someone phones to say your dm is very upset

you say

well that's because she is a stark staring nutcase. It can't be helped, there's always next year

and then just let them get on with it

daftdame · 30/05/2013 13:40

I think Hully and Worry you would both agree go if you can / want to don't if you can't and ignore the fall-out.

The point Worry and OP is making is that it is little more difficult when a date is annual / set in stone, to say you can't do it. The expectation is that you've had a whole year to plan, never mind whether you actually want to or not.

I would feel obliged to actually break that expectation on purpose, just occasionally, otherwise I would be enabling the controlling behaviour.

The actually planning of the Extended Family Days should include all of the extended family. Otherwise they are just family 'Matriarch / Patriarch Days' referred to as 'The Summons'.

DontmindifIdo · 30/05/2013 14:44

ooh, I found the thread about the boy who was going to lose his place in the school play for going to a family day thing on Mother's day:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1704746-AIBU-to-think-that-but-its-mothers-day-is-a-crap-excuse

I can see OP's DCs being in situations like this in the future when the rest of the world doesn't get that this 'family day' is the priority. All good and well saying "you can't just not go" but if you do have the sort of family where that would cause meltdown drama that goes on for months, you'd be tempted to put it first.

(I did feel sorry for the boy stuck in the middle of this)