to think our neighbour shouldn't engage my 5 year old DD in conversation...

[Patiencedeficit]

... when she is playing alone in our garden? He is an adult with his own children who live with his wife. He comes over to talk to DD whenever she is playing on the trampoline. It makes me feel very awkward. I have to watch like a hawk because I am so uncomfortable but I don't know what to do about it. Not sure if I'm over-reacting. What would you do?

Actually the more I think about this the more bonkers it seems that you haven't done anything. You have to protect your dd. It is your responsibility.

A grown man, is coming into your garden and speaking to your child, whithout your knowledge or permission. Today he thought it was ok to start jumping on a trampoline with her. Apart form anything else, that is dangerous and stupid.

Get out there tomorrow morning and tell him to stay away.

He has clearly overstepped the boundaries and you need to take this seriously. People who do bad thins rely on people to not say or do anything about their seemingly 'normal' behaviour. You need to call him up on letting himself in your garden and talking to your daughter. You need to do this now.

likely he's walking onto someone else's private property to do it...it's beyond strange and very creepy.

EXACTLY. My point exactly. Why can't op see this?

another poster said "if I saw a man in my garden, I would be out there like a shot".
So would I.
I never said he was a paedophile. I never mentioned that word.
But someone in your garden, uninvited. And worse still, or your trampoline, with your child, is overstepping the boundaries, odd and creepy.

Op, I was in this situation as a kid - neighbour too close for comfort /normal etiquette and a mum who wasn't terribly good with boundaries. In my case, I ended up being abused
Fgs even if this guy is totally harmless, show your daughter that this is not within the realms of usual behaviour and stand up for her '

My ndn is 80something woman and we share a drive with her. She chats to kids all the time on our shared driveway, feeds our cats when we're away, asks us for help with heavy lifting and so on.
Other than for parties she has been invited too, she has never set foot in our garden.

The only explanation I can think of that's not creepy, is that he doesn't understand social norms, so go round and say exactly what Pag said and then hopefullly he'll get it.

No he isn't, but neither is the OP.

1. This is seriously weird
2. Get rid of the trampoline, they are ridiculously dangerous

Is the trampoline in the front garden, open to the road?

Yes, this is very odd behaviour.

Let me get what I think the story is so far so that my advice makes sense.
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You recently moved to a small village with your DH and (at least) 2 DCs.

You do not know many people in the village that well yet.

A man from the neighbourhood (not your NDN) often stops to talk to your DD.

He has started letting himself into the garden.

When you posted this, he had let himself in and got on the trampoline with your daughter (who is only five).

You were inside tending to the baby at the time.

You called your daughter in (not sure on this point)

He left

You did not confront him.
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So far, my thoughts, (and please correct my version of events if it is wrong). He is behaving inappropriately. That much is obvious.

How I think you should proceed:

Have a friendly chat with your DD about stranger danger. Just to refresh her memory. Remind her not to play with people she doesn't know, not to invite people over without permission, to come and get you if she feels uncomfortable. Make sure she definitely knows not to leave the garden if a neighbour invites her around to their place.

Later, maybe ask her about the neighbour, e.g. what's his name, what's his job, what was their conversation about. Keep it all very friendly but try to find out what is was about.

Chances are, this was a friendly neighbour. However, his behaviour has crossed several lines.

I wouldn't confront him unless he does it again. Next time your DD goes out to play, if possible sit outside with her and the baby. If the man comes across, have a chat across the fence. If he tries to invite himself in, tell him that you'd prefer neighbours not to enter your garden without an explicit invite and that your DD needs permission to talk to people. No need for further reasons, imo.

If he doesn't come over when you're around, but comes over every time your DD is alone, something is very fishy. Maybe not in a harmful pedophile way, but fishy nonetheless.

If he comes over again whilst you are inside, particularly if it is after you have confronted him, you will need to march out there are straight up tell him that you find his behaviour inappropriate and would he please stop. You do not need to justify asking an old man to leave your garden and stop playing with your young daughter, particularly on a trampoline!

Does he do this with any other neighbourhood kids? I find this all very strange.

BTW, I find the Sarah's Law preposition very reasonable. Chances are he doesn't have any past convictions but you would be kicking yourself if you found out he had and something happened. There is a very small chance he is grooming your child. Just make sure it doesn't escalate to the point where he can convince your DD to leave the garden with him and he can reasonable argue that he didn't know it was wrong because you have never said anything.

All that said, I also hate confrontation but when it's your child, you have to do something.

Good luck with this.

i still don't get how the man got INTO the OPs garden

and if he does not live next door to the OP - how did he even know the ops DD was out playing?

if it was me i would have been out there like a shot telling him to get out of my garden, its just so inappropriate

all so very weird

He wasn't being neighbourly though was he? He was a grown man who let himself into the garden to play with a 5 year old. That's not neighbourly, that's just bloody odf.

odd

You don't know whether he was trying to being neighbourly and simply has poor social boundaries, or whether he is a dangerous person who has started trying to groom your daughter. We don't know either, so there's no point in speculating.

But if he is trying to groom her, this will have been a bit of a test to see how she and you respond to him pushing the boundaries. If he is trying to groom her, and you do nothing now, his next move will be to push the boundaries further. That doesn't bear thinking about.

Your job, which you really MUST do for your daughter NOW, is to make sure that if this was grooming, he knows that he can't push it any further than this. He has to know that you did notice his interaction with your daughter, that you think it was inappropriate for him to engage with her in the way he did, and that you have spoken with your daughter as a result of this to remind her that if any adult approaches her when you're not around, the first thing she is to do is to come and tell you, so that you can decide whether you're comfortable with it.

You can convey all of that tactfully and in a friendly way, in case he just struggles with social boundaries and really meant no harm. If that's the case, you'll be doing him a favour before he is similarly inappropriate with the child of someone less likely to consider all the possibilities before assuming he's malicious. Pagwatch's suggestion for how to actually broach it makes perfect sense, and if you want to remain neighbourly (because he really could be harmless) you can say it all with a "sorry about this but you can't be too careful these days" kind of tone. The important thing is that you say it, and he knows that you are the type of parent who will notice and challenge inappropriate closeness to your kid.

So, you said that this guy always pops up to talk to your daughter when she is outside, yet he is not your next door neighbour, right? He must be watching her then, right? And if he can let himself in, he can let both of them OUT? Especially as you are apparently feeding the baby with one hand and typing with the other, while your very young daughter plays on the trampoline with a man you don't know?

He is BU of course - but more than that he is being predatory and inappropriate and potentially dangerous.

You are also BVU in your response. Feeding the baby is not a good excuse - you either wait till the baby has finished a mouthful or you pick up the baby and take it with you. If you see a man you barely know let himself into your garden and start interacting with your daughter, you do not turn around and with your free hand post on a website looking for advice.

Nor do you worry in the slightest about 'fitting in'.

You go out there (or go round there, since you have now missed the window you should have taken) and introduce yourself, nicely, and say, 'I'm sorry to sound unfriendly but could you please not let yourself into the garden? It's not really appropriate when I'm not outside with her.' He may be embarrassed. He should be. He may even hate you - who cares? Your daughter will be safer and it's your job to protect her.

The way he is acting is not normal, or safe. And yes, you need to secure your garden (no, not with an eight foot fence and barbed wire as you sarcastically suggest, but with some other, normal method that will stop strangers from getting in to the garden where your young child plays alone.

Cosydressinggown
Gosh just listen to you, all full of how the OP should feel and react. That's some talent you've got there... somehow knowing a situation better than the person who was actually there! You want to market that!

Leave the OP alone folks. We're all the most perfect parents in the world when it comes to other people's kids.

Bet she wishes she hadn't started this thread.

YANBU at the end of the day she your dd and if it feels uncomfortable then that is all that matters.

Put a lock on the gate so he can't get in any more and so your dd definitely can't get out.

If you think he is odd which he sounds like he is tell him politely next time he does it that you don't think his behaviour is appropriate and you want it to stop.

I think you need to let him know you've noticed him and not let it rest. If you're really unhappy then go to the police - for all you know he may be known for inappropriate behaviour. I wouldn't take any chances

Can I just post about all the 'stranger danger' advice?

It's really inappropriate to use that phrase to young dc. The vast majority of abuse happens with someone the child is very familiar with.

In this case, to the child this man is not a stranger. He lives in the village, has spoken to her several times, and has now played with her in the trampolene.

I no longer have small dc, but I used to just tell my dc, they weren't to go with anyone, what ever age or sex, unless I or Daddy had said 'Yes, you can go with X'

If this man has been in your garden several times why haven't you challenged him?

How strange A man has been in your garden several times talking to your dd and you've not spoken to him at all and you wonder if you should?

I'dve been out there like a rocket on day 1.

Am I the only one who just assumed it's a front garden? If a postman has to walk down it and the man across the road can see/talk to dd and let himself in, then surely that's the logical conclusion. But there's a lot of illogical stuff going on so who knows?

I don't buy for a second though that anybody wouldn't go out immediately if a man/woman/other child/wild animal got on a trampoline with their child.

Aha, front garden, of course