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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think our neighbour shouldn't engage my 5 year old DD in conversation...

193 replies

Patiencedeficit · 25/05/2013 16:20

... when she is playing alone in our garden? He is an adult with his own children who live with his wife. He comes over to talk to DD whenever she is playing on the trampoline. It makes me feel very awkward. I have to watch like a hawk because I am so uncomfortable but I don't know what to do about it. Not sure if I'm over-reacting. What would you do?

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 25/05/2013 16:33

You need to speak to him.

Is he still about? I'd go and tell him that you don't like him coming into your garden and he isn't to do it again.

HotCrossPun · 25/05/2013 16:33

So what are you going to do now, just not let her back out in the garden in case the neighbour wants to come over and play?

WarmFuzzyFun · 25/05/2013 16:33

What NeoMaxiZoomDweebie said.

pictish · 25/05/2013 16:33

I think it is best if you politely communicate to him that you aren't amenable to him letting himself into your garden 'to play'. Your garden is yours, and does not come with an open invitation to the neighbours.

ArthurCucumber · 25/05/2013 16:34

We live in a friendly, rural neighbourhood. My reaction to that would be that chatting to her is fine, all our neighbours chat to my dds. I was coming onto the thread to say that YWBU, until I saw that he'd come right into your garden and got on the trampoline with her Confused. Nope, YANBU, that's crossing a line.

OK, maybe she invited him to come on with her (you can imagine conversations with a 5 yr old where that might happen). If a neighbour's child invited me I'd laugh and say I was far too old and creaky.

TigerSwallowTail · 25/05/2013 16:34

As others have said, chatting to her is fine, letting himself into your garden and playing on the trampoline with her isn't.

ExcuseTypos · 25/05/2013 16:34

Btw I don't think it's odd if he occasionally speaks to her. That's just being neighbourly.

It is odd if he's doing it every time your dd is out inthe garden.
It's very odd for him to let himself into your garden.

Oscalito · 25/05/2013 16:34

No, you don't let yourself into someone else's garden without an invitation. If you're a man and you're letting yourself into someone else's garden to chat to a five year old girl then you're really straying into Hmm territory. Just odd.

ArthurCucumber · 25/05/2013 16:35

But yes, bringing her in because of him is the wrong way round (although I appreciate that it's easier and I hate confrontation myself). You need to make sure he knows that isn't on and doesn't do it again but fuck knows what I'd say to him if it was me

piprabbit · 25/05/2013 16:35

I don't think you've had a mixed reaction at all - everyone is a Shock at him coming into your garden uninvited and playing on the trampoline.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 25/05/2013 16:35

Talking over the fence, fine. Anyone letting themselves into our garden without asking would be questioned and asked to leave. I'd be telling him clearly and calmly that you do not want him letting himself into your garden, tyvm. Angry

SarahBumBarer · 25/05/2013 16:36

It's quite dangerous having two entirely differently sized/weighted people on a trampoline. I would use that as an excuse to get him off and a means of telling DD that she should not have him on there with her again.

Floggingmolly · 25/05/2013 16:36

How is he getting into your garden? Shock. Make it secure, if this loola can get in anybody can.

antshouse · 25/05/2013 16:37

My neighbours dc chat if I go in the garden and I answer them. They are toddlers and they initiate it. Its a relief to get the washing in these days with their constant questions. I certainly wouldn't let myself in and play with them.

janey68 · 25/05/2013 16:37

Chatting now and then, when he happens to be out in his garden- fine
If he's making a point of appearing in his garden whenever she's out there - pushy, and not ok.
Coming into your garden and using the trampoline- bloody weird!

Do you think your dd might have invited him in?

Floggingmolly · 25/05/2013 16:37

Oh, and go out there, stop looking through the window, posting on mumsnet Hmm

Lweji · 25/05/2013 16:37

Put a higher fence?

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 25/05/2013 16:37

Tell him to get to fuck OP!

In theory, I agree that having a wee chat is fine, but if there's something you can't put your finger on, trust your instincts.

Original poster
Patiencedeficit · 25/05/2013 16:38

Thanks Neo that's how I feel about it. It's a very small street and we're new. In fact it's a really small village so I just feel awkward about it. We're trying really hard to fit in so the last thing I want to do is offend anyone.
I would never go into someone else's garden without ringing the bell and speaking to parents first.

OP posts:
SlimePrincess · 25/05/2013 16:38

Go and tell him to GTFO. He shouldn't be In your garden.

janey68 · 25/05/2013 16:39

Also, it sounds like you feel a as though you need a cast iron 'reason' to stop him.. Almost as though you are doubting your instincts. I don't think you need any reason beyond protecting your normal family privacy. I would be extremely irritated if a neighbour appeared and wanted to talk every time I went in the garden. It's just beyond the boundaries of normal interaction - it's pushy

pictish · 25/05/2013 16:39

I've never lived in any place where the neighbours routinely let themselves in for a play date with my kids.

Tell him no.

TumbleweedAndSandDunes · 25/05/2013 16:40

I would say"thank you for making an effort with DD, would you mind only playing when me or DH are here though as we're trying to get the message about not going off/playing with adults if we don't know where she is/what she's doing for safety"

piprabbit · 25/05/2013 16:40

So what are you going to do about it?

MagicHouse · 25/05/2013 16:40

It's quite dangerous having two entirely differently sized/weighted people on a trampoline. I would use that as an excuse to get him off and a means of telling DD that she should not have him on there with her again.

Agree with this, apart from the last bit - at 5 she's too young to have the responsibility of not having him on there. I think you should tell him (in her ear shot) that he shouldn't get on there with her again. It should never be down to her - apart from telling her that you'll be looking out there and making sure he doesn't get on again.