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to just say "I do want another child but I had a MC" when people ask "so are you going to have another one?"

163 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:13

Had a MMC in February. Still finding it hard to cope with, have good days & bad but have an incredibly supportive family & BFF so I know I'll get through it (& obviously my gorgeous 22 month DD who I adore more than words can say).

Anyway when I first had the MC I was asked wen visiting my mum in her home by a carer "when will you have another?". I stuttered "hopefully in the future" & went home & cried my eyes out. Since then I've had a number of people ask.

The reason why I'm posting is yesterday at soft play another mum whose child was playing with my DD asked "so will you have another?". I said "Hopefully but as I'm 3 months post MC I'm still not ready". She was obviously uncomfortable & said "sorry". My DH said I shouldn't have said anything as I made her feel uncomfortable but how about how people are making me feel? I feel like my heart is being stabbed again when I'm keep being asked that question.

So should I tell the truth or just fake a smile & say " blah blah in the future" whilst inside I'm crying?

OP posts:
olibeansmummy · 20/05/2013 22:15

YANBU to say what you like if asked, you're only telling the truth. Personally, I hate this question as its always followed by, 'you'll change your mind'. No we bloody won't!

MarthasHarbour · 20/05/2013 22:23

First of all big hugs to the OP Thanks

I have a DS who is almost 4, and i am 40. We started TTC#2 in Jan 2011 and have so far had one MMC at 10 weeks and a little boy 'born too soon' at 21 weeks in Sept. With 2 CP's along the way.

I got asked this very question today, but it was by a very sweet 20 something gay man at work. He is so adorable that i couldnt be snippy with him! Smile I was honest and said 'we do want another but have had complications along the way, we had two MC's and one was quite far on so we are still dealing with that' He was amazing, far more sensitive than some women i reckon!! He was in no way uncomfortable and asked me how i was feeling and 'empathised' at how awful a time it must have been - i could have hugged him Grin

However, i agree with you OP, the question cuts like a knife. I dont think anyone is being nasty or deliberately hurtful but i think you have to go through the sadness of secondary infertility to appreciate that there are some questions that are out of bounds. In fact scrub that - it took us only 6 months to conceive DS1 but that was enough for me to realise that you dont ask anyone about baby plans, there are a whole host of reasons why people dont have any or subsequent children

I am always honest - i remember not long after our first MC a colleague asked me 'isnt it time you had another' the way that question is asked is really intrusive! I responded 'well maybe it is but i would like to get myself over my recent MC first'. Yes she looked awkward and embarrassed but i felt strong even then to see that if you ask a deeply personal question you will get a deeply personal answer.

Sorry waffling again - i could talk about this subject all night!! Give yourself time to grieve OP - as i say my last loss was in September and we are still trying to get over it xxx

PicardyThird · 20/05/2013 22:57

I have two children and have also had five miscarriages, variously before, between and after my living children.

I have collected, esp after mcs 4 and 5, almost every kind of crass response going, from 'what do you want a third for anyway? Isn't two a nice practical number?' to that old 'Mother Nature knows best' chestnut . I had to talk a vicar friend out of holding a sermon about 'God's plan' at a service for parents of miscarried and stillborn babies. Currently I am finding myself under a lot of fairly subtle pressure to call it a day. I can only conclude that the subject makes people intensely uncomfortable. And it is a very difficult-to-define loss, even when you are the one experiencing it.

My take on this is that I have suffered enough through my mcs and if someone asks such questions, protecting them from discomfort cannot and should not be my top priority.

sparkleshine · 20/05/2013 23:56

I think it can depend on the situation. My lack of a second child is sort of different. Most times I kind of say 'well you never know'

Today in tesco my DS who is 3yrs old was being a typical toddler and the lady at the till was generally chit chatting and asked how old he was then came out with something along the line of 'well when you have another baby it won't get any easier' and I stopped packing and said 'sorry?' To which she automatically assumed I should be trying for another.

I don't know what possessed me to state the fact that I might have been lucky to have another baby now if I hadn't had a miscarriage and my ex fiancé hadnt left me for another woman 3 months later whilst still trying for 'the other baby'
I don't think I've seen anyone so red faced and speechless in my life. I finished packing without another word from her apart from an 'oh' as a reply, but soon realised I'd also said this to the people waiting in line with their shopping. I was so embarrasseed but Im also hormonal right now and had a distracting annoying toddler with me and she just shocked me.

icklemssunshine1 · 21/05/2013 06:49

Again thanks all for the kind words & your thoughts on how to handle the situation.

Thank you lunatic.

Martha, don't apologise for waffling. Sharing your experience has made me feel less alone. Totally empathise with your thoughts on secondary infertility. I too had no problems conceiving DD (or actually DC2) so I thought I'd breeze through my second pregnancy :( You always hear about people MCing their first but secondary infertility comes somewhat as a shock.

Sparkle I'm so sorry. Don't be embarrassed. Sometimes things come to a head, we're all human. What a terrible situation. Hope you're getting lots of support IRL. Big hugs to you.

OP posts:
MarthasHarbour · 21/05/2013 09:09

sparkle if i were behind you in the queue i would have applauded you (and given you a hug too! Smile)

Thanks OP! I do go on a bit sometimes but - as the thread has shown - MC should not be taboo and people should not be made to hide it away


Mindyourownbusiness · 21/05/2013 09:54

Reminds me when l got some clever dick stranger saying to me a few years ago, 'cheer up love it might never happen'. I turned round and said very angrily ' It already has, my dad died this morning,ok ! so next time think before you open your big gob maybe?'
TBH I felt rotten after cos he looked so mortified but l was just so angry. I mean where do people get off making these personal bloody comments.

hels71 · 21/05/2013 10:33

We have one DD and due to fertility issues are unlikely to have another. I am fed up with people asking when I will have another and telling me to get on so now I reply..."I will have another when I get £5,000 and a miracle for IVF".....

TinyTear · 21/05/2013 10:43

even with people knowing i had 3 mc before my daughter they still bloody ask about a second. i now just say, maybe, but with 3 mc before E I have no idea what the future will hold. and tough if they feel uncomfortable, they shouldn't have asked!

icklemssunshine1 · 21/05/2013 12:10

Mindyourown, I really hate that comment! Tbf I get asked that a lot but that's only as I look so moody all the time! I know people are trying to be friendly but sometimes the way questions are asked is often worse than the question itself. A simple "hello, how are you?" would be more chatty & friendly.

hels & tiny. Life is so unfair isn't it? I'm just going to be like you in future & answer with the truth.

OP posts:
HibiscusIsland · 21/05/2013 12:21

If people ask a personal question then they can't be offended at a personal answer

Sonotkylie · 21/05/2013 12:52

YANBU. I had it all the time until DS started school when people realised it might not be so straightforward a reply as they imagined ... The worst one was a locum GP when I was going through fertility testing at the same surgery AND had seen her about it, who said after an appointment for DS, that she thought he was wonderful and I should get on and have another ... I was struck dumb. It is just thoughtlessness but it really hurts. Lots of good answers on the only child board. I've always liked the 'we like the one we've got thanks' reply.

icklemssunshine1 · 21/05/2013 13:19

Thanks sonot, will check it out, that's really useful. Sorry about your experience :-( Especially with someone who is trained to give care!

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 21/05/2013 14:21

I am getting this "second -hand" so to speak I keep getting "now Ds is married won't be long before you are a Granny!"
They soon shut up when I say "DIL is unable to have children".
One hugely insensitive soul even went as far as to say "Did he (DS) know about this before they got married?"

MarthasHarbour · 21/05/2013 15:26

Shock oldwoman that is dreadful!!!!! God people can be so bloody insensitive!

Mindyourownbusiness · 21/05/2013 15:52

Yeah l agree and l'd have been tempted to reply 'Did your husband know what an insensitive bitch you were when he married you ?'

icklemssunshine1 · 21/05/2013 16:01

Brilliant mindyourown!

OP posts:
sue52 · 21/05/2013 16:19

I used to get asked why there was such a big age gap between my daughters. I wish I had been brave enough to tell people not to be fucking nosy (I had 6 miscarriages) instead of muttering that "it took a little longer the second time".

icklemssunshine1 · 21/05/2013 16:22

sue isn't it awful that we feel the need to cover the truth? That's why I started the thread. I've come to the conclusion (after reading all the wonderful wise words from mumsnetters) that if I want to say what's happened I should & if I'm not in the mood to get into a deep, personal conversation that I'll shrug it off. I don't want to feel the need to cover it up just because that's what I think the person I'm speaking to expects to hear.

OP posts:
shewhowines · 21/05/2013 16:54

I didn't realise MC was so common until i had one. I talked about it and then everyone else said about their experiences and people they know, experiences.

I think it needs to be talked about more often.

I can't understand this not telling people you are pregnant till you are over 12 weeks. You need sympathy if you do MC. I wouldn't want to keep it a secret. It is not embarrassing.

Sonotkylie · 21/05/2013 18:18

You are so right there Icklems. Its up to you what you want to discuss and with whom, so 2 answers is the way forward. And I can't believe I just gabbed on with my story without saying how sorry I am that you had to join that particular (enormous) MC club. All the best

Mindyourownbusiness · 21/05/2013 19:53

Thank you actually thinking about it you could all just say my name ! Grin Grin

MarthasHarbour · 21/05/2013 20:58

mindyourown I confess i did think that upthread and thought your nn was well placed Wink

chandellina · 21/05/2013 21:12

It depends on the situation but I personally don't mind telling people about my miscarriages - there shouldn't be a stigma and I feel like it helps educate people.

I probably surprised some people though by managing to have number 2 after repeatedly saying it was about as likely as a holiday to the moon, after my history, and age!

TwistTee · 21/05/2013 22:07

If you ask a personal question you have to be prepared for the answer.

I often get comments on the 4year gap between my two. Thing is, I had a mc and then had to have help getting pregnant as things didn't happen naturally. I know folk are just trying to be nice when they comment on the gap, but all it does is remind me of my loss. Sometimes I wish they would consider that not everyone who waits 4 years to have their second child has done so out of choice.

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