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AIBU?

to just say "I do want another child but I had a MC" when people ask "so are you going to have another one?"

163 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:13

Had a MMC in February. Still finding it hard to cope with, have good days & bad but have an incredibly supportive family & BFF so I know I'll get through it (& obviously my gorgeous 22 month DD who I adore more than words can say).

Anyway when I first had the MC I was asked wen visiting my mum in her home by a carer "when will you have another?". I stuttered "hopefully in the future" & went home & cried my eyes out. Since then I've had a number of people ask.

The reason why I'm posting is yesterday at soft play another mum whose child was playing with my DD asked "so will you have another?". I said "Hopefully but as I'm 3 months post MC I'm still not ready". She was obviously uncomfortable & said "sorry". My DH said I shouldn't have said anything as I made her feel uncomfortable but how about how people are making me feel? I feel like my heart is being stabbed again when I'm keep being asked that question.

So should I tell the truth or just fake a smile & say " blah blah in the future" whilst inside I'm crying?

OP posts:

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TheUnstoppableWindmill · 22/05/2013 08:14

I'm trying to mention my miscarriages lightly whenever questions like this come up- not to make someone feel uncomfortable, but to try to make it ok to talk about miscarriage. After my first one (I had 2 mmc before having a little boy) I was amazed by how many other people I know had also experienced miscarriage at some point- I had thought that it was just me initially, and it was only when I mentioned mine that they did too. I think it's helpful, if it's not too upsetting, to try to remove the taboo of talking about it. It is hard in the early days though. Sorry for your loss OP and huge wishes of luck for the future.

Yellowtip · 22/05/2013 07:56

Yes they do Wishihadabs they just exchange 'love' for 'mate'.

Yellowtip · 22/05/2013 07:54

In that case do as you would be done by Tolliver: slapping some poor person down with private information which will almost certainly embarrass them when they were only trying to pass on some of their cheer is actually being incredibly inconsiderate of their feelings. MCs and deaths are both in that category.

And how Decoy manages to slip chauvinism into this one, God only knows.

Wishihadabs · 22/05/2013 07:48

Does it not depend a little how you ask ? I usually say "do you think you would like another at some point ?" rather than "when are you having another ? or you want to be getting on with it" I would never comment on anyone else's age gap, except to say that must be great because xyz. If someone confided about fertility problems or Mcs I would feel honoured TBH.

Oh and cheer up love is just rude. I usually tell them to fuck off. No one ever says that to a bloke.

icklemssunshine1 · 22/05/2013 07:17

Thanks yellowtip for your insight but I have to agree with tolliver. I actually DO have one if those faces looks miserable when relaxed, I can't help it! It does annoy me when people say "cheer up" when just because I'm not smiling from ear to ear doesn't mean I'm unhappy either. Post MC however when people say that I just smile and nod but really I want to say "Actually it did ..."

OP posts:

Decoy · 22/05/2013 00:47

Hear hear, Tolliver

TolliverGroat · 22/05/2013 00:32

There's also often merit in being genuinely considerate of others and their feelings rather than bulldozing over their feelings and then saying in an injured tone "but I was only trying to be nice".

SolomanDaisy · 21/05/2013 23:06

I always say, 'we' d love another, but we didn't find it easy to have DS, so it might never happen. We just feel lucky to have him.' Honest, but it doesn't leave anyone feeling bad for asking. but it probably helps that I still do just feel amazed and lucky to have him, so can answer very cheerfully!

Yellowtip · 21/05/2013 22:58

Where I grew up it was a comment often made by nice old men who were trying to cheer others up. Tolliver there's often merit in not over thinking things and in not taking offence where none is intended.

Decoy · 21/05/2013 22:52

"Cheer up love, it may never happen" is shorthand for "I want an obediently smiling woman to look at! You're not looking as I wish!"

TolliverGroat · 21/05/2013 22:46

"Cheer up love, it may never happen" isn't being nice. It just isn't. Either something genuinely upsetting has happened to the person and they are sad, in which case it's crassly inappropriate, or the recipient of the comment just has one of those faces that when they relax settle into a vaguely glum expression (not something they can really do anything about other than concentrate on spending every waking minute actively smiling) in which case you are basically saying "My word, you have a bit of a depressing face, don't you? So much so that complete strangers see the need to comment on it. Don't feel self-conscious about it or anything after this, though. I'm sure no one else you pass is thinking about it...".

It's like saying to a complete stranger you pass in the street "my word, love, what an enormous mole on your chin!" or "Don't worry, love, there are a lot of treatments for premature baldness these days!" only with the added frisson that you run the risk that the mole might be a malignant melanoma or the hair loss could be down to chemotherapy.

Yellowtip · 21/05/2013 22:14

Mindyourown the poor bloke was only trying to be friendly. In August 2009 a woman hit the corner of my neighbours house and I went out to help. She was hugely stressed, not helped by the fact that her four year old daughter said she'd lost control of the car while pinching the daughter, and the woman just kept saying that she'd had the worst day of her life: her husband had invited visitors she didn't want and her horse had had to be put down by the vet. I could have trumped her by saying my father had died that morning too but it would have felt cheap. And your 'cheer up' bloke was just being nice.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation OP. I had a MMC a one point too. It was far worse than any of the ordinary MCs I've had. Everyone's situation is different I know but I found it much more difficult to get over. I can't imagine ever having told anyone about it in response to a mere conversational gambit, but each to their own.

chandellina · 21/05/2013 22:12

Four years is not exactly vast! I'm surprised you get comments, plenty of people choose to have that sort of gap.

TwistTee · 21/05/2013 22:07

If you ask a personal question you have to be prepared for the answer.

I often get comments on the 4year gap between my two. Thing is, I had a mc and then had to have help getting pregnant as things didn't happen naturally. I know folk are just trying to be nice when they comment on the gap, but all it does is remind me of my loss. Sometimes I wish they would consider that not everyone who waits 4 years to have their second child has done so out of choice.

chandellina · 21/05/2013 21:12

It depends on the situation but I personally don't mind telling people about my miscarriages - there shouldn't be a stigma and I feel like it helps educate people.

I probably surprised some people though by managing to have number 2 after repeatedly saying it was about as likely as a holiday to the moon, after my history, and age!

MarthasHarbour · 21/05/2013 20:58

mindyourown I confess i did think that upthread and thought your nn was well placed

Mindyourownbusiness · 21/05/2013 19:53

Thank you actually thinking about it you could all just say my name !

Sonotkylie · 21/05/2013 18:18

You are so right there Icklems. Its up to you what you want to discuss and with whom, so 2 answers is the way forward. And I can't believe I just gabbed on with my story without saying how sorry I am that you had to join that particular (enormous) MC club. All the best

shewhowines · 21/05/2013 16:54

I didn't realise MC was so common until i had one. I talked about it and then everyone else said about their experiences and people they know, experiences.

I think it needs to be talked about more often.

I can't understand this not telling people you are pregnant till you are over 12 weeks. You need sympathy if you do MC. I wouldn't want to keep it a secret. It is not embarrassing.

icklemssunshine1 · 21/05/2013 16:22

sue isn't it awful that we feel the need to cover the truth? That's why I started the thread. I've come to the conclusion (after reading all the wonderful wise words from mumsnetters) that if I want to say what's happened I should & if I'm not in the mood to get into a deep, personal conversation that I'll shrug it off. I don't want to feel the need to cover it up just because that's what I think the person I'm speaking to expects to hear.

OP posts:

sue52 · 21/05/2013 16:19

I used to get asked why there was such a big age gap between my daughters. I wish I had been brave enough to tell people not to be fucking nosy (I had 6 miscarriages) instead of muttering that "it took a little longer the second time".

icklemssunshine1 · 21/05/2013 16:01

Brilliant mindyourown!

OP posts:

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Mindyourownbusiness · 21/05/2013 15:52

Yeah l agree and l'd have been tempted to reply 'Did your husband know what an insensitive bitch you were when he married you ?'

MarthasHarbour · 21/05/2013 15:26

oldwoman that is dreadful!!!!! God people can be so bloody insensitive!

oldwomaninashoe · 21/05/2013 14:21

I am getting this "second -hand" so to speak I keep getting "now Ds is married won't be long before you are a Granny!"
They soon shut up when I say "DIL is unable to have children".
One hugely insensitive soul even went as far as to say "Did he (DS) know about this before they got married?"

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