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to just say "I do want another child but I had a MC" when people ask "so are you going to have another one?"

163 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:13

Had a MMC in February. Still finding it hard to cope with, have good days & bad but have an incredibly supportive family & BFF so I know I'll get through it (& obviously my gorgeous 22 month DD who I adore more than words can say).

Anyway when I first had the MC I was asked wen visiting my mum in her home by a carer "when will you have another?". I stuttered "hopefully in the future" & went home & cried my eyes out. Since then I've had a number of people ask.

The reason why I'm posting is yesterday at soft play another mum whose child was playing with my DD asked "so will you have another?". I said "Hopefully but as I'm 3 months post MC I'm still not ready". She was obviously uncomfortable & said "sorry". My DH said I shouldn't have said anything as I made her feel uncomfortable but how about how people are making me feel? I feel like my heart is being stabbed again when I'm keep being asked that question.

So should I tell the truth or just fake a smile & say " blah blah in the future" whilst inside I'm crying?

OP posts:
icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 20:00

Shellywelly, good to hear from you! I'm so sorry about what's happening, are you getting medical help? I hope so. I can't TTC as going through a few medical problems myself. I'm told by some family members that maybe the MC was a blessing as I couldn't have carried a baby full term in my current state. Not sure blessing is the word I'd use but I see their point! Thanks for those kind words, think we all helped each other on that support thread.

Fake, thank you. Those words mean a lot. Usually I just nod & smile when asked the question but I've actually been asked it 4 times this weekend by various people (!) so think it all got on top of me. Yours & other's posts have made me feel more positive.

OP posts:
Bakingtins · 20/05/2013 20:07

I think someone on the TTC after MC thread encouraged me to take the honest approach. I think if it makes the asker feel uncomfortable then tough shit, if you ask personal questions you get (too) personal answers. I think if a friend asks then they deserve to be told the truth, I'm not ashamed of my 3 MC, and if a stranger asks they shouldn't be so bloody nosy and deserve to be taken down a peg.

MarianaTrench · 20/05/2013 20:07

I'm sorry for your loss, it's very hard. I lost two babies (both in the 2nd trimester) between DDs 1 and 2 and was always upset at being asked. I found it best to have a script ready for each question so used 'Hopefully one day' or 'Unfortunately it's not been that easy' and hoped that shut them up.

I don't mind the 'Having any more?' comments I get now as I'm totally happy with my lot rather than desperately yearning for a baby. Again, I have a stock response 'Oh no, I'm too old, ha ha!' I would never ever ask anyone the same questions though, I think it's a deeply personal minefield and anyone who asks lacks imagination.

Shellywelly1973 · 20/05/2013 20:23

Yes I've just started on meds so will have blood tests every 6 weeks until the thyroid levels are stable. Then take it from there.

Bakingtins- your always so sensible & give sound advice! Im so glad things are going well for you...

LunaticFringe · 20/05/2013 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 20:25

Wishing you all the best the meds work as quickly as possible. A step in the right direction :)

OP posts:
icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 20:28

Lunatic, what a terrible time you must've gone through :( I'll take a leaf out of your book & just say what I feel at the time. I bet you're glad to be a harassed mother of two though! :)

OP posts:
Dozer · 20/05/2013 20:35

Sad. I hate this and like some of you answer truthfully, hoping that people might think twice next time and save someone some hurt.

Intrusive, personal questions just abound.

Although not limited to fertility Qs, at a family wedding recently my (long-time widowed and with a live-in DP) gran made the mistake of asking, in front of everyone, if my DB and GF would get married soon, to which he replied, "what about you?" that shut her up!

OP, the miscarriage association does a good leaflet on what not to say about mc. Thanks

stiffstink · 20/05/2013 20:49

We had a training session at work on networking and this was THE big question not to ask. You never ask a stranger if they have children, ever.

I would also extend that to asking about future children too.

Before Ds, I hated the question. I would say that we're practising keeping a house plant going first. Or if they were an obnoxious shit asking the questions, without a thought for the answer, I would say we kept accidentally using the wrong hole.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

KitNCaboodle · 20/05/2013 20:55

We sadly had 2 losses in 2 years. One at 7/8 weeks then a second trimester loss at 18 weeks.
The most difficult question I get asked is how many chn I have. It depends on my mood as to whether I say 2 (DD and DS) or 3, including our son born too soon.

It's my belief that because losses are not spoken about and almost seen as a dirty secret - compounded by people 'waiting til the safe period of 12 weeks' to announce pregnancies - that make answering questions about chn, fertility etc so difficult.
If you're comfortable discussing your loss then please do so, regardless of how awkward you may make the other person feel.

It's taken a while for me to realise that the responses you get can cut like a knife. But again, they're often said with the best intention and without thought (rather than thoughtless) because its not a topic openly discussed.

I'm sorry for your loss OP and also to the others on this thread who have suffered similarly.

roastednut · 20/05/2013 20:56

I get asked what we are doing about family quite often as we married nearly 3 years ago and were ttc straight away due to age. Anyway fast forward to today and we've had a round of ivf which resulted in mmc. I'm now 40 and we're ttc naturally with no firm plans for more ivf. All of this isn't common knowledge but I have had friends ask constantly and even last weekend a friend put their hand on my stomach and said any news for us yet?!

All I did was say ah no still work in progress. And whilst its a bit shit for her to do that, I honestly don't think it was horrible, just probably a bit thoughtless. Me and dh laughed about it in the car on the way home. Don't get me wrong what happened to me last year was horrible for me, I'll never forget going for that scan to be told things weren't progressing as they'd expect.

I desperately want dc (being realistic its not likely to be 2 at this rate) but I still don't get upset at people asking, its just natural curiosity.

I used to feel a bit annoyed, and awkward, but recently I really don't get upset with people asking, they will always ask these things, esp those who haven't experienced fertility issues.

hwjm1945 · 20/05/2013 21:00

Interesting how many people have miscarriage yet feel unable to talk about it openly.this is wrong

cdplayer · 20/05/2013 21:03

I think it's an incredibly personal question and not acceptable to ask unless you know someone very well. I have chosen to have just one dc for various reasons, but I have used various replies, including telling people that I've had a mc or stillborn just to shut them up. If they feel uncomfortable then they should learn that it's poor etiquette for the future.

bigbuttons · 20/05/2013 21:09

In answer to your question op, yes I would be honest if people ask. I think it helps with the healing process tbh, you know a sort of " well since you are asking then this happened to me"
I don't know if I am strong, my miscarriages hurt like hell, as they do, but I am also pragmatic, which helps, I think. But to be angry at people for asking such a natural question does not help, it does not change things. This horrible thing happened to you and if asked then you should say so imo.

roastednut · 20/05/2013 21:11

Bigbuttons I agree with you.

KatyDid02 · 20/05/2013 21:16

Doctors can be horrible. I went for an ante-natal appointment and the doctor expressed surprise that I was pregnant so soon after a termination. Unfortunately a failed pregnancy resulting in surgery is referred to as a termination in medical notes, I asked for it to be made clear in my notes that it was not a termination in the usual sense of the word but a medical emergency which made it essential.

Hugs OP and Scholes34

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 21:17

stiffstink, that has made me smile.

Thank you everyone for sharing your own experiences. It's really sad that we all have had to go through this but I think I'm going to be more open in future - it may make me less uncomfortable (& bitter) when people talk of pregnancies & babies in future.

OP posts:
icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 21:21

Thanks Katy, I hope your medical notes were changed. 5 weeks ago I was in hospital on another matter & ha to write a list of the ops I had in last 6 months so I wrote down my ERPC. Upon readin the Dr said that's not important. I said I lost a baby & had a procedure to remove him/her, I think it is important.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 20/05/2013 21:22

absolutely op, be honest, you were pregnant and you suffered a loss. That is part of who you are, part of how you feel and will be part of you forever and it is so important to honour yourself and your baby by embracing what has happened. Not in a positive way, just in an honest one. And the pain will subside.
thank you roastednut, that doesn't happen very oftenWink

bigbuttons · 20/05/2013 21:25

if it helps you to know, I have had 1 termination and 6 miscarriages. I have also been blessed with no small number of children inbetween!

RaspberryRuffle · 20/05/2013 21:38

It's such an insensitive/nosy question...and such a potentially sensitive topic so I don't ask. In the last few years one of my friends has had 3MC and has been ringing me in tears when being asked this question by insenitive oafs, including when she knew the baby had died but was still inside her, and another good friend has had 1 MC and then so far not managed to conceive again, she has really struggled with our peer group asking these kinds of questions.

To the OP and anyone else, if you can be honest then do because it might stop the asker fom doing it again, however I don't think you should be asked the question in the first place as it can cause so much upset (just as much when you have to lie and put on a brace face if that is how you feel inclined to answer).

I think for the next time I'm asked if I'm pregnant or TTC I will steal the 'What business is it of yours?' response.

So many women in my family have had MCs and gone on to have babies, I hope it happens for you all that want it.

EugenesAxe · 20/05/2013 21:39

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. YANBU but it wouldn't bother me to be delivered this frank answer if I ever asked.

SecondComing - yes it was in my opinion; don't beat yourself up too much! A mum at a group I go to mentioned a DD's name - I didn't hear everything she'd said around it and I asked if she had an older daughter, but it turned out to be a DD she miscarried. So I felt pretty shit.

SE13Mummy · 20/05/2013 21:43

No, you're not being unreasonable to answer the question asked with the answer that you're ready to give.

That time after a miscarriage or other pregnancy loss can be so horribly lonely and for me, being asked questions to which I was so desperate to give a different answer just highlighted for me how alone I felt. My answer to the dreaded, "so...are you having any more children?" varied depending upon who asked me. If it was the parents of children I taught I usually laughed them off with, "oh no, I don't really like children". Random strangers and people who should know better eventually received a more detailed response than they had probably been expecting. Something along the lines of, "I would have liked to but after a few miscarriages and a ruptured ectopic which nearly killed me I only have half a reproductive system left and have been told my chances of having a carrying a pregnancy to term are minimal."

These days I occasionally get asked about the 4.5 year gap between my DDs and I simply reply that we didn't choose the gap...but that we wouldn't swap it for the world. DD2 was always going to be our last pregnancy regardless of the outcome - I'm so extremely grateful that she is the outcome. Now when I get asked about plans for any more I calmly state that we're very happy with our two girls and that we won't be having any more.

It's taken years time for me to be able to give calm responses though. Time, and for me, a happy ending that I had never thought would be mine.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/05/2013 21:50

When I had my first miscarriage, I did feel like the only woman in the world not to be pregnant at times. It was very isolating. A conversation like this though with the wives of two college friends led to is discussing our experiences. We had all miscarried, including the woman who had initiated the conversation. It started awkwardly, but didn't end that way.

It's a shame the other woman responded as she did. I think your response was a good one. It would have resonated with me certainly.

LunaticFringe · 20/05/2013 22:00

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