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AIBU?

to just say "I do want another child but I had a MC" when people ask "so are you going to have another one?"

163 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:13

Had a MMC in February. Still finding it hard to cope with, have good days & bad but have an incredibly supportive family & BFF so I know I'll get through it (& obviously my gorgeous 22 month DD who I adore more than words can say).

Anyway when I first had the MC I was asked wen visiting my mum in her home by a carer "when will you have another?". I stuttered "hopefully in the future" & went home & cried my eyes out. Since then I've had a number of people ask.

The reason why I'm posting is yesterday at soft play another mum whose child was playing with my DD asked "so will you have another?". I said "Hopefully but as I'm 3 months post MC I'm still not ready". She was obviously uncomfortable & said "sorry". My DH said I shouldn't have said anything as I made her feel uncomfortable but how about how people are making me feel? I feel like my heart is being stabbed again when I'm keep being asked that question.

So should I tell the truth or just fake a smile & say " blah blah in the future" whilst inside I'm crying?

OP posts:

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OrangeLily · 20/05/2013 16:54

How about cocking you head to the side and just saying "Our sex life is great....thanks for asking.... How is your sex life?" Is there anything you would like to talk about?".

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BeCool · 20/05/2013 16:57

YANBU & they will keep asking you!

I don't know how old you are OP but you could have years of this ahead of you so nip it in the bud now.

I had DD1 at 40, a MC at 41 and DD2 at 43. I had three years of being asked "so when are you going to have another one" - bloody hell, I was an old Mum to start with!!!

People do still ask now (I'm 45) - but not as much

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Splatt34 · 20/05/2013 17:01

If more people spoke more openly about miscarriage it would be less taboo. it is very very common & I wish people would be open & honest

YANBU

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hackmum · 20/05/2013 17:04

I do wish people would mind their own effing business. So many woman have miscarriages, have fertility problems, have ectopic pregnancies, and being asked if you're planning a baby (or another baby) is just so bloody painful. OP, YANBU. Maybe she'll think twice in future.

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HorryIsUpduffed · 20/05/2013 17:06

I agree that the phrasing of the question makes a difference - "Would you like any more at any point or have you decided to stop at one/two/etc?" counts as making conversation, but "so, when is the next one coming along?" is intrusive.

A friend managed to ask "So, any baby news?" while I was recovering from a second mc. I was not very polite to her.

A few months later she asked me the same question again. I replied "Do you remember what happened last time you asked that? and you know it is a really tactless and rude question?" She was unrepentant.

Responding with a calm "Why do you ask?" or "What business is it of yours?" or "Are you seriously asking about my sex life?" when they are being pushy seems reasonable to me.

Those who seem to be just making conversation might deserve something more like "Yes we hope so, but it is proving more tricky this time", to which the only polite response is "oh I see... good luck then."

Only you can know who you will feel comfortable saying "Actually I just mc" to. When people rudely ask about our age gaps I always mention that we mc inbetween.

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AllBoxedUp · 20/05/2013 17:25

I think people sometimes ask as a conversation starter. So in the soft play example the woman may have wanted to launch into a conversation about the pros and cons of different age gaps. I think a random stranger asking you in a shop is prying but when the common interest between you and another person is children it's quite a natural conversation pathway. Having a second child is a common ground to talk about potentially.

However, OP, I think YANBU to react however you want. I had a MC earlier this year and I had a compulsion to tell people about it. I think it's a good thing to talk about if you are able to without being upset.

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Decoy · 20/05/2013 17:30

Also if the person doesn't want to discuss their miscarriage, fertility issues, termination for abnormalities, sex life etc. then it's a very difficult question to hear. They have no choice but to put on their "it's fine" brave face if they want to preserve their own privacy. Even if everything is not fine at all.

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eccentrica · 20/05/2013 17:33

YANBU and I'm sorry for your loss.

I have been asked this and I thought it was bloody rude and stupid.

"Don't you want a little playmate for your daughter?" asked some random woman - wife of one of my partner's friends, at a kids birthday party.

"What the hell has it got to do with you?" I thought but didn't say. For all she knew I could be currently pregnant, have recently miscarried, infertile, my husband could be impotent, there could be all sorts of reasons and it's none of her business.

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TolliverGroat · 20/05/2013 17:37

Having a second child is potentially common ground to talk about. But it's also potentially a very sensitive area to go blundering into. So that makes it a bad, or at least high-risk, conversation starter. It's not as though miscarriage or infertility is uncommon.

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pleasestoptalking · 20/05/2013 17:49

YANBU. However, personally I think it's quite a natural question to ask especially when you're talking to another parent and children are what you have in common.

I have been on the receiving end of some very tactless questions but I try to think about the person's intentions. If they are being unknowingly tactless but trying to be friendly I wouldn't be upset by it.

I do think you answered in the best possible way. I wouldn't worry about the other persons feelings. MC is a bit of a taboo and it really shouldn't be. As another poster said it is only when you start talking about your own experiences that other people open up and you find you're not alone.

I would routinely change my answer depending on the day and how I felt. Remember you are not obligated to be honest, or to lie, to spare someone's feelings.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

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Fakebook · 20/05/2013 17:52

Yanbu.

I stopped meeting people and turned into a hermit because of this question. Even when I fell pregnant with DS I kept myself to myself incase I lost him in later pregnancy or birth and the thought of having to explain myself to people just scared me witless.

Needless to say, it's better those people have been cut out of my life, and I'm happier for it. No normal person asks this type of question out of the blue, when they don't know you well enough.

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MrsCampbellBlack · 20/05/2013 18:07

Like everyone else, I am very sorry for your loss.

However, I think its a question that you will get asked a lot. I got asked it as soon as DS1 reached about 12 months and it took us a while to conceive ds2 so I was always just very honest with people.

I now have 3 children and when no. 3 was tiny, people would ask if I wanted more. I think its a bit like asking 'do you know the sex' etc - its just mindless chit chat.

But its totally fine for you to be honest obviously and I suspect as you've already found, you'll discover a lot of people have sadly had a similar experience.

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prettypleasewithsugarontop · 20/05/2013 18:14

Being a younger teenage mother, it was always assummed we'd pop loads out we've stopped at 2, but am asked frequently when we'll have another

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bigbuttons · 20/05/2013 18:14

Bloody hell,I was never angry with other people because of my miscarriages. No one is trying to be hurtful, they are not rude or thoughtless, they are just making conversation.
No one else was responsible for my feelings but me.
Would you really expect people to scan every possible question they ever ask just incase the other person might have had a bad experience

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prettypleasewithsugarontop · 20/05/2013 18:18

Posted too soon

IMHO i can't believe people ask questions like this

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Fakebook · 20/05/2013 18:22

Bigbuttons, that's very big of you . Unfortunately a lot of women don't cope so well, and the same question over and over again feels like you're incapable of being a "proper" woman because you can't keep hold of your babies.

Asking this question is like asking when you're having sex again. I'd never ask anyone if they're thinking of having children. It's not my business and I don't really care.

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TolliverGroat · 20/05/2013 18:48

bigbuttons, would you really expect the OP to repeatedly avoid telling the truth because it might make the person who asked her a personal question feel uncomfortable? That's what her DH feels she should do.

"No one else was responsible for my feelings but me" the same goes for Nosy Woman. If she is going to be made "uncomfortable" by an honest answer to her question she shouldn't ask it. And by definition she's thoughtless she didn't think that there could be a difficult backstory to the OP's decisions around family size and spacing. Next time she will.

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messalina · 20/05/2013 19:07

I found saying, "No, I'm now barren." worked wonders. Good biblical word designed for maximum impact.

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icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 19:07

Thanks all for your insights & thoughts, its good to hear other's opinions.

Fakebook, I totally empathise. It took me a while to go back to any type of soft play area in the fear of seeing other pregnant women. What I also failed to mention was the woman who asked me when I was having another was 39 weeks pregnant. She told me she had 2 weeks to go. It actually took me all my strength to even talk to her in the beginning. Something I wouldn't have done a month ago.

Agree with everyone about its a natural conversation question, especially when you're discussing children. Still hurts though.

Bigbuttons, you are obviously a very strong person. I know other people aren't responsible for how I feel & as I have said I'm also overtly sensitive at the moment to all things pregnancy & babies. My post was all about whether I should tell the truth in responding to a question when asked if I'll have anotherchild, not whether people are insensitive asking the question.

OP posts:

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Mindyourownbusiness · 20/05/2013 19:17

It is an intrusive very personal question though. I would no more ask it of anyone than ask them their bank balance.

My ex dsil never had DCs and was married to my brother for nearly 20 years. I am very close to my DBro and Exsil was and still is a very close friend. But never once did l ever comment, hint or ask about their childless state. I thought if either ever want to discuss it with me, l will be hear to listen and comment if required.

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Mindyourownbusiness · 20/05/2013 19:18

here !

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Shellywelly1973 · 20/05/2013 19:45

Op, i remember you from The miscarriage &pregnancy loss section. I had a mmc a day or two after you.

Before i lost my baby i would have thought you were being over sensitive.

Now i totally get where your coming from. Im desperate to concieve again but I've just found out I've got an underactive thyroid. I havn't ovulated since the mmc. Now i can't TTC. Need to get my thyroid stable, then start TTC again but Im almost 40...

So when i get asked that question Im never sure what response will pop out of my gob!

Take care. Thanks for your support last February / March, i appreciated it more then you'll ever know.

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Fakebook · 20/05/2013 19:52

Ickle, I know it's so very cliched, but time is a healer and gradually things will get better for you. When I was at my lowest point I felt jealous whenever I saw a pregnant woman or a family of 4 or 5. I felt terrible for it, and venting in the miscarriage boards here was such a big help. I also realised that I wasn't the only one who felt jealous or bitter. I think it takes a very very strong woman to get over a mc quickly and not take small things people say to heart.

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Jan49 · 20/05/2013 19:56

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP.

I think you should reply however you like. People are asking an intrusive question and if the answer embarrasses them, maybe they'll realise they shouldn't have asked. If you want to tell someone about your MC then tell them. If you don't want to share the information, then say something vague. I don't see why you should feel any obligation to spare someone's feelings. They've haven't considered your feelings before they opened their big gobs spoke.

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MrsSpencerReid · 20/05/2013 19:56

Yanbu, when I get asked i now say " well I just had a mc so we'll have to wait and see" I've actually found it a bit easier people knowing

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