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AIBU?

to just say "I do want another child but I had a MC" when people ask "so are you going to have another one?"

163 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:13

Had a MMC in February. Still finding it hard to cope with, have good days & bad but have an incredibly supportive family & BFF so I know I'll get through it (& obviously my gorgeous 22 month DD who I adore more than words can say).

Anyway when I first had the MC I was asked wen visiting my mum in her home by a carer "when will you have another?". I stuttered "hopefully in the future" & went home & cried my eyes out. Since then I've had a number of people ask.

The reason why I'm posting is yesterday at soft play another mum whose child was playing with my DD asked "so will you have another?". I said "Hopefully but as I'm 3 months post MC I'm still not ready". She was obviously uncomfortable & said "sorry". My DH said I shouldn't have said anything as I made her feel uncomfortable but how about how people are making me feel? I feel like my heart is being stabbed again when I'm keep being asked that question.

So should I tell the truth or just fake a smile & say " blah blah in the future" whilst inside I'm crying?

OP posts:
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 20/05/2013 13:30

You can say what you feel comfortable saying. [Smile] Miscarriages are extremely common. I had one but wasn't too upset about it. I wasn't shy to mention it if it was relevant and can't remember ever having an awkward reaction.

Miscarriages are sad, especially complicated or late ones.

olivertheoctopus · 20/05/2013 13:31

YANBU. At all. I am pg with DS3 and this is my 7th pregnancy so when all those stupid feckless idiots ask whether I'm going to "keep trying for a girl" I tell them no, this is my 7th pregnancy because I'm not very good at staying pregnant and that I'm quite happy with what I've got. Infuriates me.

Best of luck with your TTC journey, there is hope after mc.

iwasyoungonce · 20/05/2013 13:33

Very similar to exexpat, I have a 4 year gap between my DC, due to 3 MCs in between them. I used to dread the "having any more?" question, and used to mumble "hopefully" and feel quite upset.

People do need to learn that this can be a very uncomfortable question to answer. I never ask this kind of thing - although probably before my own experience I wasn't as tactful.

OHforDUCKScake · 20/05/2013 13:33

I genuinely did not know it was a rude thing to ask. When people nave asked me, it doesnt entee my mind that it could be considered rude.

I will definitely be keeping this in mind in future!

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:34

Thanks everyone (again). It is shocking how MC isn't talked about. Once I MCed I found out 4 people I knew had also gone through the same thing - including a friend's wife! Like a previous poster said it is like a horrible secret society.

You've all give me the confidence to be honest - just hope I don't burst I to tears as I say it. I'll definitely kill the conversation then!!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 20/05/2013 13:35

Far too many people don't think that questioning your number of DCs choice/situation is a personal question - it is asking about your decisions and asking about your fertility and sex life - it's about as personal as it gets ! if you ask a very personal question, you have to be prepared for a very personal answer. even if you just said "at some point" there is often a follow up question about how big a gap you want.

I've had a MC, several friends have, another's DH has fertility problems, another who would dearly love another DC but her DH has just been made redundant and they can't afford another one now.

Very few people's reasons for delaying a 2nd DC or not having one are anything other than something very personal and private.

valiumredhead · 20/05/2013 13:36

It's not really that it's rude, it's just that often there are very strong, personal feelings attached to it DUCKS including immense sadness and regret. Not something that you always want to be reminded of so better to wait until the information is offered up first.

DontmindifIdo · 20/05/2013 13:36

oh, and yes, start talking about MC and it's amazing how many woman have had one and keep it secret. I actually think it helps others to talk about your MC, maybe not at the time, but to normalise it.

DeWe · 20/05/2013 13:37

I think people are just making conversation. It's one I don't ask unless they've asked first, for exactly those reasons although I never mind being asked.
I don't think I would be floored by what you said. I'd expect to express sympathy but unless you seemed to want/need more than that, would move on in conversation. If you were visibly upset or wanted to talk further then I'd be led by you. I wouldn't feel in anyway you shouldn't have said that.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 20/05/2013 13:38

Some people just don't think it could be down to mc or problems conceiving.

After I had my last mc at 20 weeks I did mention it to people if they were very pushy with their questions.

exexpat · 20/05/2013 13:39

icklemssunshine! - thanks. A huge number of my friends and family have had MCs or other complications and losses, several of them much more traumatic than my experience (stillbirths, children with disabilities who have only lived a few months - I can't imagine how those friends would feel if someone asked them why they had left it so long to have another...) but all of them have gone on to have at least one more healthy baby. I hope you can try again when you feel ready and it will all go smoothly next time.

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:40

DeWe, I hope you'd be one of those people I'd be making small talk with :)

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 20/05/2013 13:41

Oh and secondary infertility is also not talked about much either! People are much more careful about asking a woman with no DCs if she wants them for fear the answer is "yes but I/DH can't" but when someone's already got one DC, the assumption is that afterwards it's the couple's choice to stop at that many. A lot of couples do struggle to get pregnant with the second, even if the first was easy/accident.

OrangeLily · 20/05/2013 13:42

YANBU and perhaps more people should be open.

I have a similar issue at the moment. People keep asking of I'm trying and there are lots of people at work who are currently pregnant. Each time another person gets pregnant everyone asks if its me and it not Hmm I tell folk I love my weekends partying too much but that's nonsense and its really hard to put on a pleasant face.

One of the recently pregnant folk "All you need to do is have sex"...... Angry Words failed me at this point.

If it was me that had asked you such an insensitive question then i would want telling!

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:43

Thanks all for making me feel more confident in the knowledge I can be honest. I feel much happier than I did an hour ago. I've actually been worrying about how the woman felt all night!

OP posts:
icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:45

Orange, I'm so sorry :( It's even the more difficult trying to put a huge smile on your face and being blasé about it. That's why I posted here - I'm fed up of hiding the fact I MCed.

OP posts:
Chunkamatic · 20/05/2013 13:46

So sorry for your loss OP xxx

Funnily enough I was having this conversation just yesterday with a childless friend.

I have always thought it an incredibly personal question to ask, but it does seem so commonplace that I think it is generally accepted as small talk.

People are always asking if I will have DC3, I tend to be honest and say that I would love a 3rd but not sure my marriage would survive it! They tend to give a nervous laugh and move on!

My friend has so far chosen not to have kids and is still undecided. But being a married woman in her 30's is often asked when they'll have a baby. She admitted to me that a couple of times she has fibbed and told people that she can't conceive just to shut them up and make them realise what a deeply personal conversation it is to start.

YANBU OP and however innocent the person who asked the question was, hopefully you will have made her think about whether it is always a comfortable conversation to open up with someone you barely know.

ReindeerBollocks · 20/05/2013 13:47

I don't think asking 'when you are having another child' is rude. It's usually par for the course when you have a small child already.

I had a horrendous time with DC1 (in hospital for nearly six months) and he has ongoing health issues. People still asked when I was having more. Ditto after I've had miscarriages.

It doesn't bother me as there is no malice involved by the person asking, they are just making conversation. If you want to discuss your miscarriage go ahead, I'm sure the person you have the conversation with will deal with it appropriately. And I'm sorry for your loss

I don't get the hostility towards the person asking the question though - not in the case of the OP, but from general thread. People aren't trying to be nasty, and normally people do express that they want to increase their families.

MoodyDidIt · 20/05/2013 13:48

awww op

same thing happened to me, last month. no real advice but its absolutely devastating isn't it

i don't know when i will be ready to try again as i just can't bear the thought of it happening again, i honestly do not think i would cope

(((hugs))) to you and if you want to chat to someone who knows what you have been through you can pm me x

valiumredhead · 20/05/2013 13:50

It doesn't matter imo if the person is trying to be nasty or not - the feeling crap because they are asking is the same regardless.

Chunkamatic · 20/05/2013 13:53

I don't think anyone is suggesting asking such a question is nasty, just insensitive, possibly.

dietcokeandwine · 20/05/2013 13:53

So sorry you lost your baby, OP. Miscarriage is so painful, and things will still be so very raw for you.

I think your response was perfectly pitched, tbh. Yes it is a question that seems to become kind of second nature amongst parents of toddlers, but if people ask it, they need to be prepared for an honest answer and if an honest answer makes them uncomfortable then that's their problem, not yours. As you say, her question made you feel pretty awful; why should you have to dance around the issue just in case you make someone feel awkward? Confused

Having experienced years of secondary infertility (it took us 3 months to conceive DS1, three years/two miscarriages/six cycles of Clomid/IVF to conceive DS2) I can genuinely say that I found honesty to be the best way of dealing with the situation. I can't tell you how many times I was asked about 'having another one' and I would always say something along the lines of 'I'd love to but we're having difficulties conceiving/have lost a pregnancy recently' etc. Personally I found that easier to cope with than being evasive.

beginnings · 20/05/2013 13:53

What an odd thing to ask someone! I discuss the size of families with my close friends but wouldn't dream of asking anyone when they're planning on more children. Although having been through AC maybe I'm a bit more sensitive.

Orange horrid, isn't it? I gave up and started saying, no, not me yet, we're having some help with that. When someone used the "All you need to do is have more sex" line with me, I avoided her for two months until I could be trusted to see her without knocking her out. The best of luck to you.

OP YANBU, your DH is. You need to remind him that your feelings should be more important to him than a stranger's. I had to remind my DH of that on a fairly regular basis.

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:54

Reindeer so sorry about your DS & your losses. Absolutely agree with you, people are just being friendly. Just hope they're ready for an honest answer!

Moody, I totally empathise about TTC. I can't even begin if I wanted to as I'm undergoing treatment for medical problems & the painkillers I'm taking would harm a foetus - plus I'm not physically or emotionally ready. Thank you for our kind offer of support. I've also been hangin round the MC board & have found that wonderful.

OP posts:
lostlove · 20/05/2013 13:54

I don't know what's reasonable but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and understand how hard those questions are when the grief is so near the surface. (I'm in a not dissimilar situation and have a couple of tactless acquaintances.)

I wish you all the best for when you feel ready to try again x

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