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AIBU?

to just say "I do want another child but I had a MC" when people ask "so are you going to have another one?"

163 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:13

Had a MMC in February. Still finding it hard to cope with, have good days & bad but have an incredibly supportive family & BFF so I know I'll get through it (& obviously my gorgeous 22 month DD who I adore more than words can say).

Anyway when I first had the MC I was asked wen visiting my mum in her home by a carer "when will you have another?". I stuttered "hopefully in the future" & went home & cried my eyes out. Since then I've had a number of people ask.

The reason why I'm posting is yesterday at soft play another mum whose child was playing with my DD asked "so will you have another?". I said "Hopefully but as I'm 3 months post MC I'm still not ready". She was obviously uncomfortable & said "sorry". My DH said I shouldn't have said anything as I made her feel uncomfortable but how about how people are making me feel? I feel like my heart is being stabbed again when I'm keep being asked that question.

So should I tell the truth or just fake a smile & say " blah blah in the future" whilst inside I'm crying?

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icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 13:58

beginnings you have made me smile. Maybe violence is the next step after honesty?! :) Don't blame DH, men are just more pragmatic aren't they? He does need reminding though. Think he thinks I should be over it by now!

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ephemeralfairy · 20/05/2013 13:58

No you are not being unreasonable. These rude nosy people need to learn. I would never ask something so personal. I have done similar to you in the past, not MC related but when people have been overly question-y about my family set-up and not accepted my ambiguous answers I have resorted to just saying, 'My dad is dead and no, my mum has never met anyone else. Now, do you want anything from the bar?'

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Wallison · 20/05/2013 13:59

Sorry for your loss OP and please don't feel bad about this woman - what you said was perfectly reasonable.

I agree with others that the question about having any more is a very personal one and for that reason I don't think people should ask it. There are others as well, like "Are you hoping for a girl this time?" or "So when are planning to hear the patter of tiny feet?" or "Was it planned?" etc - gaaah. Still, I guess that's what happens when women's fertility is deemed to be public property and a matter of public concern.

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EuroShaggleton · 20/05/2013 14:01

I'm all for being honest ickle. Infertility and mcs are not something shameful that should be spoken about in whispers. I've been very open about my fertility struggles and mc. It helps to raise awareness and stops people asking about family plans more than once, ime, which limits the upset for me.

Asking people about family planning is incredibly prying. You're effectively asking them when they are next planning to have unprotected sex with their partner. You would never normally ask something that intimate!

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ReindeerBollocks · 20/05/2013 14:04

But people have said on this thread that the people who ask that question are rude and insensitive and I don't always think that is the case.

I had some lovely friends ask me, despite knowing what I've been through. Or sometimes conversation flows and this question, not in an intrusive way, gets asked.

I believe that the OP (sweet as she is) has every right to give an honest answer - especially if she is hurting, and it's then up to the person who asked to deal with that response sensitively.

And maybe if people did talk about miscarriage more, then this would be a perfectly valid answer, and encourage dialogue. Miscarriage shouldn't be a taboo subject.

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Kasterborous · 20/05/2013 14:06

I think people just ask out of habit almost. But tell people the truth if you feel able. I had six miscarriages before DD and people used to ask all the time if we were ever going to have children and it really hurt. In the end I started telling people the truth. I felt better about it. Sorry about your MC.

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valiumredhead · 20/05/2013 14:06

I believe that the OP (sweet as she is) has every right to give an honest answer - especially if she is hurting, and it's then up to the person who asked to deal with that response sensitively

I agree if that's what the OP is comfortable with.

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exexpat · 20/05/2013 14:06

Reindeer - I don't think people are always being rude and insensitive, just thoughtless - but it does feel pretty much the same if you are on the receiving end. So I think mentioning MCs/infertility or whatever in reply is perfectly fair enough, and might make them a little more cautious about asking other people in future.

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Mindyourownbusiness · 20/05/2013 14:08

Puzzled look and 'Why do you ask?' works for me when asked an extremely nosey inappropriate question.

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HaveToWearHeels · 20/05/2013 14:09

YANBU. I had a MMC last January and I say what you did. I have found most people are OK and don't feel uncomfortable, and even had a couple of "I lost one too after xxx, shit isn't it" makes you feel not so bad.

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Polyethyl · 20/05/2013 14:09

Oh conception and miscarriage can be the elephant in the room of conversation.
One couple of friends - I happened to bump into them on their way home from their 12 week scan, so extensive congratulations. Next time I saw them several months later there was no baby. What can you say?

Or another couple recently married and had previously said that they intended to start trying straight away. Many months later - no happy announcement. Again what do you say? Or do you just keep your mouth shut?

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valiumredhead · 20/05/2013 14:11

"Why do you ask?" is an EXCELLENT response imo! I will remember that!

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Mindyourownbusiness · 20/05/2013 14:12

So sorry for your loss btw, l still think what mine would have been like now after 6 years and still think of him/her as one of my DC. People just don't understand how upsetting it is and think you should shrug it off or at least very quickly get over it, because 'it's not like you actually lost a child' etc.

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icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 14:14

Reindeer thanks for the compliment. DH may disagree when I'm naggin at him though! Ha ha!

Poly, I take your point. In situations like that ignoring the "elephant" is probably worse than discussing the issue head on. I know I want to talk about .

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Mindyourownbusiness · 20/05/2013 14:17

Yes Valium and it shifts being put on the spot immediately from you to them.

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OpheliasWeepingWillow · 20/05/2013 14:17

I found that honesty always makes people open up about their own experiences and makes the situation somehow more bearable. I took ten years to conceive and for 9 I just said all sorts re not having babies as though I didn't want them. As soon as I was honest (infertile! Crap eggs!) I was beating off the empathy / advice and help with a stick. In turn I found the right IVF clinic and had my dd. wish I had just been upfront years ago TBH.

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HoobleDooble · 20/05/2013 14:19

I had a MC at 12 weeks back in November 2011, my DS is nerly 5, we have been trying for our 2nd since July 2010 and are beginning to lose hope now. It still hurts every day.

I never know what to say to people in this situation, the lady in the Chinese takeaway asked me last week, I was torn between crying, saying "I'm doing my f***g best!!", or telling her the truth. I settled for the false smile and "If we're blessed" option ... Followed by tears when I got home.

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Beatrixpotty · 20/05/2013 14:22

YANBU at all.It's sometimes good to remind people that having children is not always straightforward.A lot of people ask questions like that as general chit-chat and assume that anyone with 1 child hasn't had another yet because they have chosen to wait and that women with none have deliberately put off motherhood when the reality is often so much more complicated.

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Decoy · 20/05/2013 14:22

YANBU. If people ask a personal question, they should be prepared for an honest answer.

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icklemssunshine1 · 20/05/2013 14:27

Hoobledooble I'm so sorry. This has been my response til now - fake smile & a good cry at home. Maybe if we all started being honest it'll be less awkward. My DH asked "why tell a stranger our business" but in the other hand didn't they make it their "business" by asking? I can see DH's point though that maybe we shouldn't share our personal business but I just want to tell the truth, I feel like I'm lying when I smile politely.

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Ray81 · 20/05/2013 15:39

I remember this question well and the pain it used to bring, and now I just get the comments re the age gap.

See I have DD1 11,DD2 3 and DS1 15 months. So I have an 8 yr gap between my DDs. I always get the question re age gap and what do you say to that ?? Oh it took 6 yrs, 5 miscarriages injections every day in pregnancy to stop me mis carrying etc etc. now I just smile and say ' just worked out that way'
People don't seem to understand the concept of an inappropriate question.

Op I am so sorry for your loss and YANBU, if they ask the questions they should be prepared for any response.

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propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 20/05/2013 16:16

Yanbu. I ask people the question and would not be at all phased by someone answering as you did. I've been asked many times 'are you having another?' and don't find the question rude at all.

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ZillionChocolate · 20/05/2013 16:29

OP I'm sorry for your loss and agree you should answer however you like. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about talking about it.

I think it's an intrusive question, particularly from people who are not close friends. Furthermore, it's largely pointless, you can want a baby as much as you like, but there are no guarantees. I'm not going to tell my friends in detail about how much sex I'm having or whether I'm using contraception so strangers can fuck right off. I think all this stuff is private unless you choose otherwise.

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JugglingFromHereToThere · 20/05/2013 16:39

Just thinking some people are a bit opinionated and thoughtless in their choice of conversation aren't they ? It wouldn't do any harm to tread a bit more cautiously around these subjects.
Maybe there is some caution in asking about TTC DC1, but then there seems to be no holding back in asking about age gaps and when you're having DC2.
It's strange really, given all the difficulties of conceiving and of pregnancy.
I think everyone should answer in whatever way helps them the most.
I'm sure it's not always easy to decide what that would be.

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Pinkflipflop · 20/05/2013 16:48

I think it's all about the way the question is asked.

Would you like more children is different to are you not having any more children.

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