to ask if anyone is happier now they have children than they were before?

[woodlandcreature]

Trying to plan first baby and all I seem to get are horror stories of the agony of childbirth, how babies never sleep, toddlers never leave you alone, children are horrible, teenagers are worse and usually just get "it WILL be hard," with a meaningful look.

I don't know. We'd left it to June to TTC for a myriad of reasons but just had my last period and sat on the stairs crying yesterday because people seem to think our reasons for wanting children are all wrong. Our reasons for wanting children are because we want a family; we want someone more to love and who will love us, we adore 'family' things, we want someone we will have a permanent bond with.

Are these the wrong reasons - awbu to want children?

It is so hard when your perceptions of 'normal' family life are very skewed.

It is I'm afraid. I still worry a lot about how my actions are affecting the children and whether the choices I make are "normal". I'm lucky that DH had a happy upbringing so I tend to let him lead the way if I'm feeling unsure. But as I said, I've also used MN as a sounding board for things that are bothering me and sometimes even the flamings have been useful and have made me realise that I'm over-thinking certain topics and should just go with my gut.

Of course it is harder. There are huge lows and moment you really struggle with in a way you've never struggled before, and I think it would be foolish for anyone to think that everything will simply be better.

But the highs are also higher than you can ever imagine. Yesterday our 15mo did her first noticeable bit of 'imaginative' play, pretending to feed me and DP from an empty bowl, and we were both just staring at her in awe, absolutely blown away by her. It was the littlest thing, but for some reason it was amazing.

Overall I am definitely happier, but there are times when it's hard.

My own view is that it can depend on the kind of person you are and want to be. Children bring a lot of pain and limitations to a relationship. Conversely, they also bring immense joy and freedom. As a childless adult, you don't have many opportunities to run around the park shouting "wheeeeeeeee", for example.

If as a person you are able to embrace the freedom that having kids gives you, along with appreciating all of the joyful moments, then you'll be fine. The negative things will always be there, but they'll be much less significant.

We had a baby because we saw an updated picture of billy crystal and thought Christ he's 66 or something. In my head he was always 40. Time was ticking - so we did it.

Oh p.s. baby is a joy to be with. Happy fishy.

childbirth is painful but you soon forget.

babies can be hard work but they bring far more joy.

my ds is 5m now and had horrendous reflux as a tiny along with colic and tummy troubles. he was HARD work - screaming many hours of the day and night and refusing to be put down. I struggled to get my head around the fact I couldn't walk with him in the pram (he would scream cos of his reflux and the angle he sat in his carseat/pram). dh and I did 'shifts for those frost 6 weeks as ds would only sleep upright.
Would I change him or turn back time. NOT AT ALL. He was 6 years in the making and the result of IVF and every single smile/giggle/squeal gives me the best feeling. watching him grow and learn makes me feel proud.

he amazes me every single day and I vannot imagine life without him.

ignore what people tell you. if you want a family and can provide for and nurture that family then jump in with both feet. there'll be easy days, hard days and all manor of in between days, not to forget the bloody horrendous days where you know lo isn't quite right but you can't fathom what the hell is wrong but I promise you, in with all that - EVERY DAY IS BLOODY FANTASTIC. its just sometimes its harder to see

disclaimer: im a soppy thing cos I really thought id never get the chance to be mummy so I vowed to make the most of every single day!

Having children is very fulfilling for me. I always wanted to be a mother, and becoming one changed me for the better in many ways. It is a natural thing to bear children, and there is nothing at all wrong with wanting to get pregnant. You sound prepared to me, I wish you luck, and hope to see a POAS post from you in 8 weeks. :)

Having my son has made me happier than I ever thought possible .

He brings me joy every day. Every morning my spirits zing up when I see his cheeky little face.

Of course, lots of things are tough about parenting, as everyone else has said - it was a difficult birth, his sleep was rubbish, I was exhausted. But it doesn't make any difference to the gift of having that amazing little person in your life.

Congrats Lemon! That is exactly how I felt when my sons were babies!

My kids are adults now, and I have never regretted anything, except for I would have loved to have had a few more children! :)

Quite simply, before I had children I never experienced the kind of love that meant I would happily die for someone.
Now I have.

If you've been reading MN I may well have been one of the posters supplying the horror stories, in that dd has had a really rough time with her health and it has affected the whole family.

Having said that, life is miles more fun than it was before we had the children!! Dh and I often look back on the first few years of our marriage and wonder at the middle aged grumps we were turning into. We seem to be enjoying things so much more now that we have the children.

If someone had asked me I would have given pretty well the same reasons as you for TTC. And they have all worked out- we do love and are loved by our children, we share family things and there is a permanent bond there, not only between us and the children but also between dd and ds. It's good stuff!

There is nothing I enjoy more than when someone makes a joke that is totally unique to this family, that is to do with things that only we have shared, that only we understand, that doesn't have to be terribly funny in itself but which makes us all laugh because it reminds us of all we have shared together.

And btw teenagers don't have to be horrible. My 16yo is very kind and mature. I am sitting here now waiting for my 13yo-today to wake up so I can give him his presents and sing Happy Birthday: I'd be surprised if he's turned into a monster overnight, he wasn't one when he went to bed.

I stayed up last night to put up pictures of him from when he was a tiny baby right up to the tall lad he is now, it's another way we have of celebrating our time together.

At the moment....no, we were saying last night that we were happier people before. But we know we won't always feel like this...the first few years are hard...we have a tantrumy and defiant toddler and a ten week old baby and know that we adore em, we just feel frustrated at the inability to do anything other than parent right now.

There is lots of tiring, painful, difficult stuff involved with being a parent.

But that is not what you think about on a day-to-day basis, or when your baby giggles for the the first time, or when you toddler climbs into your lap and throws their arms round your neck, or when your 8yo tells you you are their best friend.

I say this having had DD parked outside the bathroom on the iPad whilst I was trying to have a relaxing soak yesterday, and currently crunching Cheerios in my ear.

It is hard, but it is more than worth it . Just make sure you stock up on Rescue Remedy and ear plugs!

Thank you :) I really hope next spring I will have a little bundle!

YANBU - I am massively more stressed now (but I do have an autistic child and a dysfunctional teenager, plus another dc) but I still wouldn't have missed out on the experience of being a parent for anything.

Your child will bring you deep, deep joy very single day. It's as simple as that. Nothing else can compare to it.

In addition, becoming a mother made me feel strong and confident of my identity. I really felt - yes, this is who I am. I can do this.

It's wonderful.

Am I happier? Not necessarily: BC and AC (before/after DC!) feel a bit like two separate lives. I had a lot of fun, I was very free and often very decadent. Would I go back there in exchange for DS? Not for the world. Things aren't always easy, and we're certainly cash-poorer, but he is such an amazing little person. I love that he is a product of DH and I, I love that he has such character, I love every last thing he does (apart from perhaps the tantrums to watch Postman Pat when we're leaving the house! and I would sooner die than be without him or let any harm come to him. People like talking about the gory side of parenting/childbirth but it's like anything - think of how many negative product reviews you read above good reviews? People don't tend to share when nothing is wrong. Having DCs will change everything, yes, but you will take the rough with the smooth - that's just what parents do! Get baby-making.

So far, can honestly say that I've experienced little of the hard work, terrible upheaval stuff people talk about. Dd is one, so it may get worse. So far, the only hard thing really is loving her SO much, which brings a feeling of terror at the thought of harm coming to her. The sleep deprivation isnt as bad as it sounds, I found, as your hormones help you adjust to it, I believe, or mine did anyway. I know I'm lucky, some find it all much tougher, but not everyone. Good luck!

I was deeply unhappy before I had my DC for various reasons but mainly because I was so empty and unfulfilled as cheesy as it sounds. My DC changed all of that 100%. Now I have a million reasons to smile and I have a reason to get up in the morning. They've brought me so much joy even if at times they have also made me almost tear my hair out

It feels like I get a chance at life again now I have them iykwim. I'm not saying it's all fairytales and happiness all of the time, of course children come with added stress- sleepless nights, tantrums etc. But mostly it feels like (as sad as this sounds!) i've been born again and someone has handed me this whole other life so I get a chance to be happy and make three other little people happy while i'm at it!

I would also add that it doesn't have to be either career or kids. I have a full on career, damn stressful at times and lots of balls juggling in the air. I am lucky to be able to afford support in the form of nanny, cleaner etc. I have experienced real career highs since having the dcs, but equally the dcs have been my priority so I have been creative in how I have worked. Tiring and stressful but worth it.

DH and I had a great life pre-kids; I'm not going to lie and say I don't miss it A LOT sometimes.

But ... my children. They're amazing. It's hard work. Way, way harder than I thought it would be, but I think I was way more naive than you seem to be. They're 2 and 4 now, and recently, it has started to feel less like unrewarding, relentless slog and more fulfilling.

Something inconsequential happened today where I was able to help my little ones through something and it made me feel so worthwhile and needed and like I'm important in way I never felt before them.

They're both such little characters - they give us so much joy.

Woodland, I am coming late to this, but here goes:

As others have said, everybody's experience of being a parent is different: we are all different, every baby is different and of course we all bring our 'baggage' to being a parent.

Nothing in the whole wide world can prepare you for what it is going to be like tbh. You just have to take that leap of faith, hopefully fall pregnant and Have A Baby. Then see what it's like . You cannot of course change your mind, if you don't like it, mind.

FWIW, I have 4 boys, all planned and wanted (a question I get asked regularly ), I also had 4 MCs. All my pregnancies were exciting and fun inspite of various physical niggles. I never had any morning sickness. All my deliveries were v different, but all good experiences (the fact that DS2 was born at 31 weeks was not so good, but he is now 9 and all is well ).

I have found it VERY hard.
DS1 was a very high needs baby (it was only with the benefit of hindsight) and nearly braught me to my knees. We had the next 3 before he was 6...

It is also the Very Best Thing I have ever done, the Most Exciting, Most Satisfying and, in my eyes, the Most Important Thing I have ever done or will ever do . Being a parent has added a dimension to my life. It is NOT always fun, I found babies very boring/hard work, older children fight, chat back, don't do as their told. They also give ferocious hugs, wet kisses, are clever and cute and melt my heart when they are lovely to each other (not so much when they are taking lumps out of each other... ).

You sound very aware of your reasons and what possible problems your own upbringings might bring.
My advice is go for it and then go with the flow. Try and keep expectations to a minimum.

Loofet, I was very unhappy throughout my twenties (well, perhaps until I was 28.) But certainly my youth passed me by. Your post sounds very much like me and how I feel about my future.

My pfb ds is 14 months and while it can be hard at times it's a good hard and I wouldn't change our lives or him at all.

I have found a big divide in people since being pregnant and having ds...those who truly care about you and those who don't!

Some people will always tell you the worst...and yes we all know teenagers are difficult...but my view is if it was that bad wouldn't we all only have one child!

Tough times aside, and nobody I know has a baby thinking there.won't be some tough times or sleepless nights, it's great and you will cope with whatever comes at you.

Oh and fwiw much to my vile ml and sil's dismay I had a good birth...not because of any great care received but because I had an outcome in mind...having my much wanted and long awaited snuggly newborn.

Smiles and nod...take.what you want from what people say and ignore all the crap!

Your reasons for wanting a family seem perfectly sound to me; what do your critics suggest are the right reason for wanting children?

Children are a great joy and tremendous fun, and when you have DC, you can't really imagine life without them any more. It is not really that you are happier, if you weren't unhappy before, it is just that a new chapter of your life begins. Parenting sites can often dwell on the negatives as people ask for advice about their problems and this can give the impression that every parent experiences the exactly the same problems - but they don't. I just found it more work than anticipated, but think I had a rather dreamy view of things.

The early years can be full-on and it is difficult to do other things if you don't have a family support network, but this passes as they become more independent.