to resent my partner buying a new PS3, when I can't afford ante natal classes

[Jadems]

Want to throttle my partner at the moment. Just found out that he's bought a new PS3 (replacing the somehow broken current one), with a plan not to tell me. The plan is to 'switch' over the two, so I won't notice.

Wouldn't normally mind. But. We're really short of money at the moment. Keep being told that we need to cut back. I'm not working, we're paying out a huge CSA bill due to assessment of gross not net income, due to have to pay out a huge tax bill due to tax mix up, paying for a barrister for DP's residency issues with his ex- wife and our first baby is due in late July. I'm not able to afford maternity clothes (currently wearing a size 6 skirt that won't zip up fully any more), and just had to cancel my place on the NCT ante natal course because of lack of funds.

AIBU to want to kill him. I know it's 'his' money as he earns it, but to expect me to have to wing pushing a person out of my vagina when we can't afford ante natal care whilst he can afford 'boys toys' - this is really pushing ALL my buttons.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

Flipping heck, what a horrible man. How dare he talk to you like that! He hasn't even got the decency to talk to you face-to-face. I am so sorry OP :(

Please, phone someone in RL and get support. Pack what you need and go to your aunt's and figure out what you're going to do. Information on Maternity Allowance is here. An excellent calculator for the benefits you are entitled to is here. Information on getting him to pay his share towards the support of your baby is here.

You may well get a call in the morning saying he was drunk and didn't mean it etc. Please take great care. Your situation might seem impossible now but it really, really isn't. You will get a job and you and your baby will be just fine on your own until you meet someone who deserves you. The longer you stay with this poor excuse for a man, the harder it will be to leave and you will be very miserable while you're there. You can take that from someone who stayed :(

[AThingInYourLife]

Be careful tonight OP.

Abuse (and he is abusive) often escalates during pregnancy.

Just say what you need to to be left alone.

[AnyFucker]

... but make sure you leave tomorrow

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

Just to add to what AF said ^ please do come back and let us know you're ok tomorrow OP. I'm sure I won't be the only one worried about you tonight.

[Jadems]

Thanks guys. No need to be worried though, the only damage is to my pride and heart. He's a selfish idiot but he's never been violent. Plus his friend (who lodges with us during the week) is sleeping here tonight too. He probably thinks that I'm the sponging, lazy excuse for a person DP has painted me as, but I doubt he'd stand by and let him hit me.

Just going to try and get some sleep, and then think about what I need to get together in the morning. Leaving the 3K engagement ring behind, as despite what DP makes out - I've never wanted anything from him other than support.

[AnyFucker]

Throw the 3k ring in the bin. Or give it to a Homeless charity.

It's an empty symbol from an emotionally-empty vessel.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

No! Take the ring with you in case he refuses to pay maintenance and you need to sell it so you can eat. In fact, sod that - sell it now and the money can go towards a home for you and the baby, and will go towards a new iPhone and iPad for you.

Don't leave it there to try and prove you're not a sponger because he's already convinced himself you are anyway to try and deflect his guilt so you might as well take it and use the money for your new life. I sold mine to buy food - shame it was only worth £72 second hand because my ex was a tight fucker.

I've been a single parent since I was 4 months pregnant and my ex has never bothered with DS, so I'm truly bringing him up on my own. It's ok, you know. You'll both be fine .

[expatinscotland]

Oh, FUCK leaving that ring! Don't be ridiculous. Take it and sell it to a jeweller and use the money on this low-life's kid.

[MrsKoala]

I'm sorry this has happened OP. The sad thing is men like this genuinely believe that despite you having their child that any money they put towards the support of that child is actually the mother sponging. It's very sad for them but they are never going to 'get it' so just leave now and thank your stars you found this out sooner rather than later.

If you are giving back the ring then i would make sure i had a witness or receipt as you don't want him accusing you of stealing it or something odious like that. Don't bin it! he may demand it back and i'm not sure where it stands legally if you don't get married (the extent of my legal knowledge is Judge Judy saying you have to give it back!).

Good luck with everything. Leave and don't look back!

[chansondumatin]

Could you not sell the ring? I understand you hate the symbolism of it, but it sounds like you are very short of cash and it might give you much-needed funds for the baby.

Wishing you the best.

[AnyFucker]

Re: the ring. Those are very viable alternatives to donating it to a Homeless Charity

[Jadems]

I'll have a think on the ring. Legally, I'm entitled to keep it. English law only views the gift of an engagement ring as conditional if there could be a reasonable presumption of return in the event of the marriage not going ahead i.e the ring he's given you is a family heirloom etc. Otherwise it's presumed to be an absolute gift. (Law degree at Durham University finally comes in useful!)

Need to stop being a doormat really. He obviously doesn't respect me and nothing I do will change that. Must to start looking out for myself more.

[MrsKoala]

Well defo keep the ring and flog it then! I bet he'll fight all the way for every penny he should give to his child, so think of it as money for them.

[Allalonenow]

Take the ring with you, you will need it for you and your baby, don't make an empty gesture just to put money in his pocket.

You won't be on your uppers for long with a law degree from Durham, stay calm and strong.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Is the ring supposed to be intended to compensate the woman if the marriage does not got ahead and its the fault of the intended groom?

I'm pretty sure being abusive ( financial abuse is domestic violence) to a woman who is carrying your child is his fault.

Keep the damn ring sell it use the funds to get back to Wales and help towards a rental deposit for the house you will need.

Don't be stupid just to prove a point,he's going to think your a money grabbing sponger no matter what you leave behind he also going to tell everybody you are no matter what you do. You could pay him and he will still think and say it.

That's what men like him do.

[PiratePanda]

Oh lord, definitely keep the ring and sell it. You'll need the money for thr baby. My money's on you not seeing a penny from the charmer who fathered him/her.

[StuntGirl]

Oh jadems I'm so sorry to hear it's ended like this :( I hope this gives you the clarity you need to escape this suuffocating life; it astounds me just how many low lifes like your 'd'p there seem to be.

You sound capable and intelligent, I'm sure you and your baby will be just fine without his 'help'.

[flippinada]

So sorry to read your update. What a nasty piece if work he is; showing his true colours now...well, not that he wasn't before really, this is just more blatant isn't it.

Hope you can update today - agree with others you should take the ring. You need that money for you and the baby. Please take care.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

Please take that ring and sell it. You and your baby need a rent deposit!

Good luck this morning.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

OP you seem a really nice person, and you STBEX sounds like a dick. I bet he was all charm when you first met him, but unfortunately you've seen the measure of the man now. You're better off without a man who doesn't respect you as a human being.

Take the ring. It's yours. Be happy - it will be difficult at first, but you'll do it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Hope you're settled at your Aunt's house now Jadems. Spending time away from him will allow you the headspace to start planning your future. Best wishes.

[SolidGoldBrass]

At least it's happened now, rather than a couple of years down the line when you have a toddler to deal with. Get away from him, sell the ring and don't look back.

And, while you are waiting for your baby to be born, do a little reading and thinking and maybe some counselling about red flags and abusive men so you don't make the same mistakes again. Best of luck.

[NaturalBaby]

and take the PS3 to sell while you're at it!
It will be o.k Jadems you have options, you will find support, it will be tough but you'll get there. Becoming a parent has given me the kick up the backside I needed to do what I really wanted and achieve so much more than I would have done before I had kids.

[Numberlock]

God I would love it if he'd returned home to find her gone and a note saying Fuck You where the PS3 should be!