to resent my partner buying a new PS3, when I can't afford ante natal classes

[Jadems]

Want to throttle my partner at the moment. Just found out that he's bought a new PS3 (replacing the somehow broken current one), with a plan not to tell me. The plan is to 'switch' over the two, so I won't notice.

Wouldn't normally mind. But. We're really short of money at the moment. Keep being told that we need to cut back. I'm not working, we're paying out a huge CSA bill due to assessment of gross not net income, due to have to pay out a huge tax bill due to tax mix up, paying for a barrister for DP's residency issues with his ex- wife and our first baby is due in late July. I'm not able to afford maternity clothes (currently wearing a size 6 skirt that won't zip up fully any more), and just had to cancel my place on the NCT ante natal course because of lack of funds.

AIBU to want to kill him. I know it's 'his' money as he earns it, but to expect me to have to wing pushing a person out of my vagina when we can't afford ante natal care whilst he can afford 'boys toys' - this is really pushing ALL my buttons.

[dashoflime]

"Totally disagree that NCT Classes are bollocks."

Well, I've done them and I certainly wouldn't recommend them to a friend. You don't get any information you couldn't get from the NHS or from a book for that matter. I defiantly wouldn't worry about "winging it" if you can't afford to go OP

[Fairylea]

I used (note the word used) to be married to a twat like this. I kept making excuses for him until dd was 6 months old and he sat there telling me he had no money towards the rent, which I then paid on a credit card (!!) And then two hours later he popped off to the pub and withdrew £100 for a jolly night out. Fucking wanker. So he was dumped. I became a single mum for a long time.

I am now remarried and dd is 10 and I also have ds 11 months with my dh. We are both good with money (crucial point, if one of you is shit don't have joint finances) and we do everything joint. I am a sahm and we have equal spending money. Personally I hate having separate finances, at the very least you should have equal spending money regardless of who earns more.

If you're in a family, you spend and earn as a family.

[QuintessentialOHara]

Mine were really good. Intensive, with one morning women only, and evening ones with the men for 6 weeks. Reunion when all the babies were a few months old. And we have kept in touch and been friends for more than 11 years now! One of us 6 is flying back from Oz next week to catch up and we will go out for dinner. The other 5 of us had supper together just a month ago. In the beginning we met every week, then ever month, until firstborns started school. It has been so worth it, at least from a lasting friendship perspective.

[PiratePanda]

He sounds like a catch I'm glad I'm married to a grownup who doesn't play stupid computer games.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

I don't think you'd qualify for reduced rates with NCT as it is assessed on joint income.

Your local branch/group may run Bumps and Babies groups or Mums To Be groups that would offer you support networks for pence - you don't have to be a member or attend classes to qualify for these, just be local.

But the actual problem is that this man isn't supporting you financially or emotionally. I'm appalled that you haven't been able to buy maternity clothes even second-hand (local NCT group would help out there too, or might be having a sale soon, as there are lots in May and June - Google 'nct nearly new sale' for details).

[Jadems]

CloudsAndTrees - no tax payer money as my partner earns over 60,000 a year, but thanks for the assumption. And I was working when I was ttc, just didn't count on my getting pregnant so soon and then not able to find another job when I moved counties. But we all know it's only the feckless who are out of work at the moment right?

Booked the NCT classes as there aren't any NHS ones in my area - leafy North Herts. I'm just a bit worried that I'll be expected to give birth in about 12 weeks, and I haven't a bloody clue. No family or friends nearby, and a partner who can't stand blood, needles or anything vaguely medical. I'm a bit screwed if I have anything other than a standard delivery.

[StuntGirl]

I have a grown up partner too, and as part of that he has hobbies he enjoys, one of which is video games.

Jadems what are you going to do about your partner's worrying lack of priorities?

[elQuintoConyo]

I can't afford antenatal cpasses din't you mean 'we'?

He's going to get a massive bloody shock when lo arrives and he can't be so selfish. Won't have much time to enjoy his ps3 either I think you're going to have to sit him down and sort out your finances pronto - do you have friends/family with small dc? Perhaps get the fathers to sit down and tell him what being a new dad is really like!

[Jadems]

Stunt Girl - Not a lot I can do really. Other than leave, and that wouldn't put me in a great position. I've not got any family to rally round, my finances aren't in a great state.....I've just got to try and make the best of things. Going to have my son soon, so that's something to be thankful for at least.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Ok but you're not working now? So you have time to do some reading. You can get the same information as at a class very easily, it's just that some people remember things better when they've been told and shown. Start with the NHS web-site, good bite-size info, then get a book e.g. Miriam Stoppard's, or other of your choice. Talk to your midwife, write a birth plan and ask her to check it through and discuss any concerns. Mine expected me to do this.

I completely sympathise with your anger but you've no reason to feel as hopeless as you seem to, there are resources around if you look for them.

[NadiaWadia]

How much do the classes cost then? Surely he should be making this a financial priority if you feel you need them, if should be from your joint money for your forthcoming family. He should be paying

He is acting like a teenager, and needs to shape up fast He will get a swift reality check once the baby is here.

[Bakingtins]

How can there be no NHS antenatal provision? Surely your midwife is obliged to provide it? What are the plebs on less than 60k expected to do?

Anyhow, the NCT classes are a red herring. The issue is he's spending a lot of money on non-essentials whilst expecting you to go without necessities. So YANBU to be pissed off with him.

TBH he sounds terrible with money and I'd be really worried about being financially dependent on him for at least the short term future.

[StuntGirl]

Why are you not working at the moment? (Not a judgement - trying to work out your situation to give best advice).

How are your finances currently structured?

[TattyDevine]

CloudsAndTrees is wrong, ignore.

NCT is great for the social aspect particularly if you have just relocated. Though even then its luck of the draw.

Giving birth with no clue is normal, NCT wont so much as give you a clue than teach you about informed consent.

Do you have nearby friends? Wrong of him to do what he did, but if it iis his "lifeline" then possibly he is too scared to do without it, same as some women are with their phones, internet, highights, Kindle, wine, tea, differential calculus, etc. We can all have a "thing". But the deceit is slightly worrying.

[Jadems]

The classes were going to cost £160 for ten hours (I think). It's pricey, but I wanted to go:

a) to meet other parents who'd be expecting a new baby at the same time as us - I know no-one here, as I only moved out to Herts as it's where DP lived, and his daughter lives locally

b) to get a idea of what to expect with labour, breastfeeding etc - I've read stuff online, and I have the books 'what to expect' etc but tbh it still seems completely daunting. My midwife is fine, but not exactly encouraging of questions; she treats the whole pregnancy thing as very matter of fact, normal life experience. Which it is. But on your first - just a bit scary. Plus the fact that I don't talk to my mum, or have any sisters etc to talk to.

But I know it's not the end of the world not being able to do them. Just would have been nice.

[WearsMinkAllDayAndFoxAllNight]

What games does this grown up father, partner and role model play on his kiddy console?

[Jadems]

StuntGirl - not working as I moved from Essex to Herts to move in with DP, and commute to North London/Essex based job was taking about four hours a day including several different trains, buses, tubes etc. Stupidly quit with the intention to find something closer in central London, but then found out i was pregnant with only a week to go before leaving my job. I've not been able to find another job, and as I've grown increasingly pregnant it looks unlikely that I'll find anything else before the baby is born. After the baby is born, we have that lovely SE dilemma that childcare + travel costs will be more than my take home pay - so I'd effectively be paying to go work rather than being paid. If it doesn't work out with me and DP, I'll probably move back to Wales (where I'm from originally) - cost of living is cheaper, and I'd actually be able to afford to work.

[PleasePudding]

He' has been an idiot - the only excuse I can think of is that he needs his PS3 to provide an escape or some downtime. Which is fine - we all need that one way or another, maybe he was very anxious AR the thought of not having this release open to him but it should have been a joint decision and clothes are clearly a priority.

YANBU but, unless he's a repeat offender, I don't think this is a LTB offence he just needs to know PS3 does not come before other members of the family's needs and deceit is shitty

[NadiaWadia]

he earns over 60k and can't stump up £160 to help you have more confidence delivering his baby? Thats rubbish.

Also, the chance to meet other new parents would very good for you and the baby, as you say. Jadems, I would insist, I wouldn't let this go.

[Fairylea]

This is crazy. He is a high earner. There is no way you should be worried about money when he earns that much. He should be sharing his money with you, you are out of work and having his baby for fucks sake. Have you had this out with him re finances, what does he say?

Also, childcare is a joint cost, for you and dp. Not just to come out of your wages! If you both work he has a duty to pay towards care of his child!

All this makes me so angry.

[dinkystinky]

You need to speak to your partner about his priorities - presumably it was a joint decision to have a child, so there should be joint financial and emotional responsibility for this child too. He has CSA payments looming presumably he has had a child before so knows children, and preparing for them, should be a priority. Was he this feckless with his other child? I think the nct classes will be important for you, especially if he won't be a supportive birth partner - he may not think they are important as he has had a child already.

[cardibach]

OP there are NHS classes in your area: look These will offer the same benefits as \NCT classes in terms of giving you a clue and allowing you to make friends - DD is 17 and still in touch with a child whose mother I met at NHS antenatal classes, despite us moving 4 hours away when they were 5!
However, as Bakingtins says, the classes are a red herring - it is his attitude which is the problem and YANBU to be cross about that.

[kritur]

You will be able to meet other mums without ante natal classes, baby clinic, breastfeeding support group, other classes... I only keep in touch with 2 mums and that's because they also went to my breastfeeding groups.

[Jadems]

We actually are really short of money; know it sounds crazy with such a 'high income' but our outgoings are really high too. Like i said CSA payments are huge at the moment due to the whole tax-mix-up situation (assessing gross salary), we'll have additional tax payments coming out of salary to compensate for a HMRC error placing a NT tax rate on his PAYE for several months, and we're paying for barristers/legal representation in a residency dispute. So it's not as if we're flush. I just thought we were both tightening our belts equally.

[Fairylea]

Ok but having a low income doesn't mean you can't budget and manage money together.... dh earns 15k, we have two dc and I don't work and we have joint finances and manage ok. (I'm not saying it isn't a struggle at times, believe me it is and part of the reason we do ok is that I used to have a very well paid job and so we now have a small mortgage) however the point I'm making is that you need to work as a team.

Have you asked to have a joint account or to budget together? What does he say? Is he secretive about his finances?