to resent my partner buying a new PS3, when I can't afford ante natal classes

[Jadems]

Want to throttle my partner at the moment. Just found out that he's bought a new PS3 (replacing the somehow broken current one), with a plan not to tell me. The plan is to 'switch' over the two, so I won't notice.

Wouldn't normally mind. But. We're really short of money at the moment. Keep being told that we need to cut back. I'm not working, we're paying out a huge CSA bill due to assessment of gross not net income, due to have to pay out a huge tax bill due to tax mix up, paying for a barrister for DP's residency issues with his ex- wife and our first baby is due in late July. I'm not able to afford maternity clothes (currently wearing a size 6 skirt that won't zip up fully any more), and just had to cancel my place on the NCT ante natal course because of lack of funds.

AIBU to want to kill him. I know it's 'his' money as he earns it, but to expect me to have to wing pushing a person out of my vagina when we can't afford ante natal care whilst he can afford 'boys toys' - this is really pushing ALL my buttons.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

clouds

Its customary to apologise when you've done that.

you know the being rude making untrue assumptions based on nothing other than your own vile prejudice thing.

[3MenAndMe]

IMO both are (classes and PS3) total waste of money...
Better spend on something long lasting(buggy,breast pump whatever is essential at the moment...)
Ask him to return the 'precious' item NOW and focus on the baby (well,it looks like he is the biggest one now...)...
NCT classes won't teach you anything different than you can read in pregnancy books...and they will try to persuade to buy their crap ...

[StuntGirl]

I think a more pressing issue than the classes is the fact the OP does not have properly fitting clothes... an electrical gadget goes way down the list of priorities when it comes to essentials, and I speak as a gadget lover.

[FrozenDough]

I wasn't telling any 1 off AnyFucker i just think people are a bit ott sometimes and he does sound like a dick but like i said we don't kno the full story

[JCDenton]

"I play a lot of ps3 and Xbox games also of based games, it's my free time and I resent the fact that this man is being called childish because he plays these games. The issue is the money being spent that is not available."

Agreed 100%. Playing computer games isn't childish, being unable to delay your own gratification for a worthy cause is.

[anastaisia]

Have you filled in a claim for maternity allowance? It can start from 11 weeks before your EDD. Doesn't help with the relationship issues though.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" I know it's 'his' money as he earns it,"
NO IT ISN'T 'HIS' FUCKING MONEY!! ONCE OFFSPRING ARE INVOLVED ALL MONEY, WHOEVER EARNS IT, IS FAMILY MONEY!


Sorry, but I just cannot stand this fuckwitted idea that the only contribution to the household that counts is earning money, and therefore the 'earner' has more power in the relationship. Remember OP, this arse of a man would not be able to work outside the home without you being in the home to care for your joint child (or shelling out most of his income for professional childcare).

Frankly, I'm a bit about your finances. He earns a LOT, but it all seems a bit fucked-up IYSWIM - problems with tax and with CSA. How did these problems come about? Is he useless with money, makes bad decisions, buries his head in the sand - what happened to cause these financial problems? (And, with my very cynical head on, are you sure they are real? Have you seen the paperwork, or is it all verbal from him?)

I would be inclined to make it clear to him that you are aware of the PS3 plan; and also make it clear that antenatal care (and maternity clothes FFS!) are a far higher priority than a poxy PS3.

[sashh]

If you have his money and your money then why is the CSA bill a 'we' and not 'his'?

If you can't afford maternity clothes (try ebay) then how are you going to afford a pram, cot, etc etc? Is he planning on you paying for them?


Are you claiming benefits? I think you should be able to get JSA based on you working before, it won't last for ever but would help a bit.

[GalaxyDefender]

Oh OP. [hugs]

I'd get out of there ASAP. My partner is probably as bad with money as yours is (he actually did the same thing, bought a PS3 without asking me but we could afford it at the time, plus I actually wanted one anyway) but the difference is that he accepts that and leaves finances to me. If he did the same things as your partner I would be gone in a shot, and I'd take DS with me.

Big ticket items like consoles should never come before clothes and other practical items. Never. It sounds like this guy doesn't actually care much for your wellbeing

[Morloth]

If we were skint and pregnant and DH blew money on something so unnecessary I would dump him.

That 1 example is plenty.

Go home OP. Don't just accept that you are helpless, try and take some control back.

[LIZS]

You can still join NCT groups (Bumps and Babes, Breastfeeding support groups et al) without taking classes and you'll presumably be offered NHS antenatal classes. But that isn't really the issue here, is it. Think you need to be very clear now where you and the baby will come in his priorities.

[StillSeekingSpike]

I am the bitter Voice of Experience . men like this- you NEVER get to the sunlit uplands of no problems and everything sorted- there is just one problem after another, and always a crisis. I couldn't live like that.

[MrsKoala]

Hi OP. I had just relocated when pregnant and knew no-one. We did NCT and tho the info was nothing special the friends and support network I got was a life saver. When DS was 8weeks we all got Norovirus and the group really rallied and helped. I cut my thumb open and needed stitches and they took me to the hospital and helped with DS. We meet weekly and it is my bit of sanity. Honestly, if you can scrape the money together it is really worth it. I would sacrifice loads of baby stuff if it was a choice.

As for your DP, well he is a dick. Does he want you to meet no one and be isolated and going crazy? or does he not care? Either way, the result is the same. Can you sell his PS3? I would take it to a second hand place and see what i could get. Also i may round up £160 worth of his other stuff and sell that too!

[Lavenderandlimes]

You need to have a serious and honest chat about money NOW. Is he going to provide you will an income after the baby is born? Or are you going to have to beg every time you want to buy a toy or want to go out for a coffee with other mums? Have you discussed any of these issues? It shoulds like a very stressful situation. He won't change once the baby's born if that's what your hoping. Please resolve these problems before the baby is born.

[StanleyLambchop]

wearing a size 6 skirt that won't zip up fully any more

Welcome to my world, and I am not even pregnant! Flippant comments aside, NHS classes were free and taught me all I needed to know (which was that your birth will not go to your agreed birthing plan anyway- we are all just winging it!) However I think you do need to sit down and discuss money with him- what happens next time one of his toys breaks and the baby needs nappies/new clothes?

[Jadems]

Failed my test this morning (again). Reversing around a corner. Got all flustered and mounted the curb. Brilliant. I'm not a confident driver, but it didn't help that I didn't get any sleep last night thinking about what to do. Tried sleeping in SDs bunk bed at first, then ended up on the sofa about 3am, before finally getting some sleep at 5am and then needing to be up at 6am for a 7:15 pick up and an 8:20 test.

Floods of tears when I finally got back home this morning. Don't know what to do now. Planning to go to my aunt's house before he comes home from work, but no idea what to do longer term. Wish I could just go 'home' to Wales, but I don't really have any place to go. I'm not happy here, but keep thinking making myself voluntarily homeless isn't going to help any.

Just so unhappy. Wouldn't mind all the sacrifices if he didn't keep treating me like a mug. I don't want my son never to see his father, but I don't know how much more I can take.

[CuppaSarah]

I didn't have much in the way of maternity clothes, but I have a size 8/10 jumper dress which is light enough for the summer and some size 10 over the bump next trousers if you'd like them? PM me if you want them.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

Never mind, OP. Better luck next time.

Taking time away with loving family sounds like a great idea, even if it only gives you and him a better idea about how you are feeling and what you need to do.

Good luck x

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

It took me 3 goes to pass my test, third time lucky!

Spending some time away to consider your options sounds like a good move. Take your important paperwork: passport, payslips, P60, maternity notes, provisional driver's license etc. Look into claiming Maternity Allowance if you haven't already.

[skippedtheripeoldmango]

Out of curiosity....how does he talk about his ExW? And have you ever spoken to her? IIWY I'd be having a chat with her about her previous life with this man - if she's amenable to chatting of course.

He sounds like a complete dick to be honest.

[Numberlock]

Tried sleeping in SDs bunk bed at first

Do I read this to mean his daughter lives with you from time to time? Is this the same child that he has the residencey issues with or another one? How old is she and how is his relationship with her?

[Jadems]

CuppaSarah - That's very kind of you, thanks. Always touched by the kindness I see on Mumsnet. Hope the karma fairy sprinkles some nice things around for you soon. Should be okay though for the time being - the weather has turned nice again so hopefully I can get away with wearing my old work dresses around for the next couple of weeks. Always been a big fan of shirt dresses, which is serving me well now.

Numberlock - His daughter has her own room here. It's actually just been redecorated, and moved to the bigger bedroom so that we can use the smaller room for the baby. Wanted to redecorate both rooms so that she wouldn't feel left out with the baby getting new furniture etc. She'll be 10 in July. Historically, DP and his ex-wife had a shared care arrangement where his daughter spent alternate weeks with each parent, however her mum (DPs ex-wife) now wants to go to alternate weekend contact. So that's the residency issue that's costing quite a bit in barrister fees atm. DP has a really good relationship with his daughter. He's not so good at the organisey, mumsy stuff so I tend to do a lot of that when she's with us - taking/collecting her from school as DP works in the city, making sure that she's got suitable and weather appropriate clothing, helping with homework etc. Not quite sure how it will affect his residency application if I leave.

skippedtheripeoldmango - Doesn't really talk about his ex-wife that much tbh. I know the divorce was expensive and messy. From what I've been told, she got involved with her boss (her now husband) towards the end of their relationship but things hadn't been working out previous to that. I think he was more hurt by it than he likes to admit. They were together for ten years before they separated (married for three), and he's not really had any significant relationships since. I'm the first person he's lived with since his wife moved out about six years ago. I know he finds it difficult to invest in relationships, and I don't just want to walk out on him. But - do I just let him think he can treat me however he feels like, and there won't be any consequences. It's difficult.

[Lavenderandlimes]

You poor thing. Pregnancy is so stressful at the best of times. I don't want to sound horrible, but it really sounds like it doesn't treat you well at all. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you everyday, more so now you are having a child together. I think spending time with your family sounds like a good idea. Don't worry about the driving test, it will happen soon.

[LittleBearPad]

I think you need to have a serious conversation re finances. Does he know how you feel? How do you think he'd react if you said you were thinking of leaving.

The residency thing must be pretty messy if a barrister is needed.