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AIBU?

to think that my daughter's friend is not being looked after properly?

192 replies

poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 20:11

Her mum's at work most of the time and her dad is unemployed with a drink problem. The parents are not together but live together still. One day I rang at 930 inviting her out. Went to pick her up at 1130 & she wasn't ready cos her dad had fallen back asleep. So she was basically unsupervised. My daughter went there for tea a couple of weeks ago & she said they got KFC (ugh) on the way home & then fell asleep for the whole time my daughter was there. Needless to say she's not going there again. Pretty disgusted especially as I so often take his daughter out to save her from a dull day with him. She's got chapped lips, isn't fed very healthy food and dressed in tatty dirty clothes. I'm not snobby but I do think being regularly hungover or drunk in charge of a 7 y.o. is unacceptable.

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poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 21:56

I didn't realise that his drinking had got worse recently. He offered to pick up my daughter and as my friend obviously thinks he's able to look after their child adequately, I was happy for him to do so. Different standards I guess. I told the mother the next day that he was asleep the whole time & she said she'd have a word with him. I didn't want to offend her by saying my daughter wouldn't be going to their house again. And btw its highly unlikely that my daughter made it up about him sleeping. The day I rang at 930 the girl had to wake him up to ask if she could go out and then he went back to sleep!

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:58

There's a lot of something being made out of not really very much.

I sleep in on the weekend. And sometimes I go back to bed. Or fall asleep on the sofa. It's a bit of a non-issue.

As to the drinking, I'd never ever let my child go somewhere with someone who I thought had a problem with drink. How did they get to KFC?

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 21:59

No, no, on the contrary, sorry Sock, you misunderstand me. I gathered how you feel from your earlier questions and was trying to say that there's no way I'd allow someone with a drink problem to care for my child and that I believe you were of the same opinion.

Sorry to have given you the wrong impression, we're absolutely in agreement on this, right down to the "could be a court order and power of arrest and still I wouldn't" bit.

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Sallystyle · 11/05/2013 22:01

Except for the drink problem I have seen nothing worrying here.. tatty clothes, KFC's and chapped lips are not what I consider neglect, but the drink problem definitely could be.

If anyone thinks that a child is being neglected then you call the SS or talk to the school, however before you do so, take a long non-judgmental look at it and see if you really think it is warranted. Your post does come across as judgy and the fact that you resent the girl eating half an apple does make me wonder if perhaps a dislike of the girl and her father is clouding your judgment.

So do something if you are concerned enough, just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 22:02

So OP, you knew this man had a drink problem but because your friend lets him care for their child you thought it was ok for him to care for yours, is that what you're saying at the start of your post at 21.56?

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 22:05

Poppy have you actually seen examples of his drinking problem yourself? By that I mean do you actually know he has a problem?

If so then you made a really bad very questionable choice to say yes to him collecting your child.

And you don't need to say your dd is never going there again you just say no when ever its offered.

If that's the case you really need to pass this into the hands of someone who is actually qualified to deal with it but when you do I would leave off the differing standards stuff because if you don't it will be hard to get them to take you seriously.

The concerning stuff is the drink issue and the passing out drunk as well as the mother leaving the child in his care. You don't need to let on you have passed it on nor does it mean your child should lose her friend.

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Sallystyle · 11/05/2013 22:07

He offered to pick up my daughter and as my friend obviously thinks he's able to look after their child adequately, I was happy for him to do so

Hang on? one minute you think he is neglectful with a drinking problem and the next you trusted him with your own child because your friend trusts him to look after their child adequately?

Maybe I am just tired and reading this wrong but it is very odd to me that you would allow your child with someone who you think has a drink problem and is neglectful on the basis of your friend thinking he is able to look after them adequately.

If I had any concerns about a child being neglected by a parent NWIH would I leave that person with my child.

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poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 22:09

Freddie they walked to KFC believe it or not! Are you in the UK or the USA?!

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 22:12

No I was just wondering, because in my town they are out at a retail park and he'd have had to have driven is all.

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scottishmummy · 11/05/2013 22:14

the mum needs a medal working to support her family
poor nutrition,alcoholic father is significant.
working mum isn't

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 22:16

Rambo

I guess that means it was me who misinterpreted your post,sorry. But thank you very much for clarifying what you meant and your right we do agree.

It took me a while because I got sidetracked by a heading that popped up on the side of my screen about shitting out piles hence the delay in posting

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 22:17

Thank you Sock, but there's no apology needed. I should imagine that a heading about shitting out piles would distract you somewhat too!

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poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 22:22

They don't have a car (just as well). I don't have intimate knowledge of his drinking habits. I didn't say he was an alcoholic for that reason. I think its beside the point anyway. The point is whether the girl is being cared for properly. He could be asleep cos he's depressed etc etc. Why the focus on how/when/what re the drinking? I came on here to just get a bit of feedback really as I don't want to discuss it with other mums from school & for them to then be gossiping or judging. I don't think it matters if I do judge; I'm honest & I still care & think my actions show that. All my critics will be pleased to know that I'm very self-critical too.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 22:25

Why are you letting your child go with someone you think "has a drink problem"?

There is no way ever I'd let anyone who I thought had a drink problem take my kids. The focus on the drinking is because it's not exactly sensible to let someone you think/know has a drink problem look after your youngster, can't you see that?

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 22:29

Why the focus on how/when/what re the drinking?

What???!

why do you think its besides the point? its entirely the point!!

I dont even know what you are asking then?? should you be worried because the girl has cracked lips and had a take away?

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 22:36

"Why the focus on how/when/what re the drinking?"

See that desk? See my head?

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 22:37

Other than the drinking, the only issues are minor ones. Really really. My DD looks like orphan annie after school and yet she goes in clean in the morning. The take away could have been a treat since they had a friend round. Chapped lips, well, again, DD has chapped lips. I can only send lip salve. Eating an apple and putting half in the bin, well I just fed the dog some lovely chicken pie tonight that DD1 didn't eat. And I often sleep in on the weekends.

So that only really leaves the drinking that would concern me. And I cannot believe that anyone would let someone with a drink problem take their child for the afternoon/evening. I wouldn't do it, and I'm pretty easy going about most things.

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 22:51

Because the drinking is the issue the rest is just you judging different standards.

And I cannot get my head around the fact that you claim you genuinely believe him to have a drink problem based on things you are quite vague on yet it does appear to be a genuine belife because if you do, that is the only valid concern in your posts yet it didnt concern you enough to not leave your child in his care.

But as soon as you add in a KFC clothing not up to your standards and chapped lips all of a sudden its now concerning you.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 22:54

What sock said.

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Piemother · 11/05/2013 23:19

What a weird thread. Op judgement aside you are describing poor supervision, definitely and some neglect, possibly. The child being quite withdrawn is maybe as a result of these issues. The apple thing is annoying but kids need someone to model good behaviour and maybe no one is for this child.
It's my opinion that you should share you concerns with the school and let them take it further.

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howdoo · 11/05/2013 23:29

FGS, this thread is the worst of MN - cherry pick what you want to hear and make a deal of that.

"Why the focus on how/when/what re the drinking?"

See that desk? See my head?"

What OP said was that it could also be depression that caused the dad to sleep during the day, and that the issue was whether the child was properly cared for, not the cause of it.

Best one by far: "I can smell the alcohol on him at 3.15 at the end school. The teacher noticed this too so the school are aware." Answer: "Also, are you sure he isn't diabetic? Ketones on the breath can smell a bit like alcohol. " Yes, that's the most likely answer...

It seems to me that it is likely that this kid is being left with a man with an alcohol problem bad enough to leave him sleeping during the day. And that this is probably not a good thing for the child.

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 23:34

howdoo, the level of care (not) provided by someone with an alcohol problem is only half the issue. Another is the example set to children by leaving them in the care of someone with a drink problem. So, the cause of the possible neglect is an issue for some of us.

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howdoo · 11/05/2013 23:40

Genuine question - so is the issue with the dad (with possible drink problem) or the mum (leaving them with person with possible drink problem)? Or the OP? And, honestly, why would it matter, if the child is potentially being neglected? Would it change what should be done?

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howdoo · 11/05/2013 23:45

It seems to me that the OP said some things which were irrelevant and potentially judgey, and this has derailed the thread, while the facts, stripping away all the KFC etc stuff, still don't sound good.

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YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 11/05/2013 23:49

Op I was with you until I read your update saying your resentful an don't even like the girl.
I'm sorry but how is the mother supposed to take your daughter as much as you take hers when she's working all the hours god sends, think how much it must kill her not to be able to be there for her.
As for her being quiet, have you ever considered she probably lacks a lot of self confidence since her dad is usually asleep and her mum is always at work. She's also probably lonely as fuck and riddled with insecurity. She's a child so she maybe didn't think that it would be rude not to finish her food, heck her dad probably doesn't monitor how much/little she eats and when you live on unhealthy food an apple is probably not going to taste that appealing.

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