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AIBU?

to think that my daughter's friend is not being looked after properly?

192 replies

poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 20:11

Her mum's at work most of the time and her dad is unemployed with a drink problem. The parents are not together but live together still. One day I rang at 930 inviting her out. Went to pick her up at 1130 & she wasn't ready cos her dad had fallen back asleep. So she was basically unsupervised. My daughter went there for tea a couple of weeks ago & she said they got KFC (ugh) on the way home & then fell asleep for the whole time my daughter was there. Needless to say she's not going there again. Pretty disgusted especially as I so often take his daughter out to save her from a dull day with him. She's got chapped lips, isn't fed very healthy food and dressed in tatty dirty clothes. I'm not snobby but I do think being regularly hungover or drunk in charge of a 7 y.o. is unacceptable.

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poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 20:48

Thanks for that feralcar. I will keep doing what I'm doing :-)

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 20:50

Actually, the issue is they are not grateful enough for what you do. In your opinion. That's it, isn't it?

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poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 20:50

I didn't say alcoholic. I said he had a drink problem. My friend (his ex) told me & I can smell the alcohol on him at 3.15 at the end school. The teacher noticed this too so the school are aware.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 20:50

How do you know the man has a drink problem?

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VelvetSpoon · 11/05/2013 20:52

You are so concerned for this child, make so much effort to take her out and do things with her (allegedly) yet you begrudge her an apple?

I see very little here to worry about. I am sure the mother is doing her best. The father is obviously a bit of a waster BUT I can tbh think of many ways in which he could be worse.

I'd keep my opinions and 'concerns' to myself if I was you. And if this child is such an incovenience, then don't have her round, or take her out again.

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 20:54

So his ex told you he has a drink problem. Riiiiiight. Want to know what my ex says about me? Because I can tell you now, it's not true.

And you can smell alcohol on him at 3.15? That used to be quite common with a bunch of middle class mums at my children's former school - we'd meet for a drink prior to pick up. We were/are not suffering from a drink problem.

WHEN did you learn this please? You haven't said, I don't think.

And, if it's true, what the fuck is the mother doing leaving the child with him? She's just as much to blame, if you want to start hoiking up the judgey pants!

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meditrina · 11/05/2013 20:54

I think it is worth it because, if he is alcoholic, it is likely he is skilled in hiding the extent of his drinking. She may well not have the full picture. And as she is not present in the house, she may it know about his sleeping etc or other details of the type of care he is actually providing.

Especially as they are separated - communication between them may be bad. And the DC is stuck in the middle and may not be talking well to either parent.

The mother may be able to act to change things, or she may indeed already be complicit in what OP sees as neglect of the child. OP knows the family and will be better placed to make a call on the level the mother's complicity. But if the possibility is there that she is not complicit, it's an option worth considering.

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 20:54

Did your friend tell you this before or after you let him look after your child?

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 20:54

My ex and his mother tell anyone who will listen a pile of crap about me.

The school are aware.

And laugh.

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lisaro · 11/05/2013 20:56

I agree Freddie OP seems to get off on being the 'saviour' of a child and family she obviously looks down on and dislikes. Or being a martyr. I wouldn't want you near my kids, OP. Hope your child doesn't get your ways.

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wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/05/2013 20:57

As far as I can tell, the only reason you are taking anything to do with this family is to make yourself feel good.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 20:58

So the parents should be more grateful because they are undeserving poor and you are doing more than your charitable duty by having their child round.

Have you ever seen the film Oliver?

I seriously hope the child never picks up on the attitude you have towards her, if she's got difficulties at home already that's the last thing she needs.

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Mintyy · 11/05/2013 21:00

None of us know this child or her parents but if you have concerns (and I can see why you would) then don't suppress them or put them aside. Although you don't like the little girl, could you try and gently talk to her about life at home?

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 21:00

The school should not be letting the child go with her father if they know he has a drink problem and he picks her up stinking of alcohol

i cant tell if you are just hamming it up, or if the girl really is at risk

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mumandboys123 · 11/05/2013 21:01

rambososcar if dad does indeed have a 'drink problem', what exactly is it that you want mum to do in terms of not leaving her child with him? can you be sure she is aware of the extent of the problem? should she just give up her job? perhaps it would suit the OP better to be able to berate a lazy, benefit scrounging family rather than acknowledging that life is incredibly difficult for all of us, but particularly difficult for people who find themselves backed into a corner they never expected to be backed into and just don't know how to work their way out of?

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 21:01

meditrina, the mum knows of the problem, she told the OP of the problem yet still the mum lets the ex have care of the child? If she knows he has "a drink problem" she knows enough to be considered neglectful if she leaves the child in his care. There's no point in appealing to the common sense of someone who doesn't possess any.

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 21:02

Oh and fwiw I recently had some gossip repeated to me that my ex has been telling people around his home town.

Apparently I'm a drug addict prostitute.

I don't drink or use any drugs I've only ever had sex with two people I was not married to and neither of them paid me anything. Its just laughable bad mouthing

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Mintyy · 11/05/2013 21:02

Oh and ignore the posters on this thread who have taken against you. This thread is not about what kind of a person you are, it is about possible harm to a child. Lots of people on aibu see being arsey and contrary as a sport .

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:02

I just typed a long post. But, you know what, it's not worth it.

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poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 21:03

I only have her round as she's a very close friend of my daughter who is an only child. I wouldn't bother otherwise, believe me!

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 21:04

The only person who can formally state another person has a drink issue or is even drunk is a doctor,if he is not actually visibly drunk the school can't stop him collecting her.

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 21:04

mumandboys I don't care what the OP would find more suitable in terms of someone to berate but AFAIAC yes, I would consider it far better to be workless and on benefits until the person could find their feet again than to leave a child with an alcohol abuser.

Just my opinion.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:04

So if the school took the word of my ex and his mother.

I wouldn't be allowed to pick my own kids up and I'd have SS services at my door, because I am an alcoholic, don't feed my kids properly, don't care for them and shag anything with a dick for money.

Right then. Coz ex's always tell the truth. Yeah. So right.

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LEMisdisappointed · 11/05/2013 21:04

I am not sure what to make of this - In the first instance you appear to show genuine concern for the girl, ok the KFC comment was a bit daft, might not be your chioce of food but its not the biggest parenting fail in the world.

WHat i can't work out is if you are genuinely concerned or just put out because you have the girl (who you don't like ) over more than they have your DD over.

You have the information that he has a drinking problem from your friend - HIS EX !! Well thats an unbiased source of information then. The teacher should not even be discussing this with you, unless you have raised it as a point of concern, she should however just take note and follow cp procedures. Also, are you sure he isn't diabetic? Ketones on the breath can smell a bit like alcohol.

My DD is a scruffy urchin child, partly because we are skint but partly because shes a bit of a tom boy and prefers to shlep about in leggings and tops - the other day she looked like she had been in a coal mine as she had been playing in the mud.

I'd be miffed about the falling asleep i think, but i often hit a bit of a wall about 5 o clock sometimes and can't say i haven't fallen asleep before - i actually fell asleep in a soft play centre when solely in charge of DD once

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nellyjelly · 11/05/2013 21:04

God some people just love diving in and having a go. The OP is just sharing concerns about a 7 yr old. She might be right, she might be wrong, but there is nothing wrong with asking for advice. Sto attacking her because she didn't say exactly the 'correct' thing in her posts

More people should take an interest in kids like this. It might be nothing but it might be something.

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