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AIBU?

to think that my daughter's friend is not being looked after properly?

192 replies

poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 20:11

Her mum's at work most of the time and her dad is unemployed with a drink problem. The parents are not together but live together still. One day I rang at 930 inviting her out. Went to pick her up at 1130 & she wasn't ready cos her dad had fallen back asleep. So she was basically unsupervised. My daughter went there for tea a couple of weeks ago & she said they got KFC (ugh) on the way home & then fell asleep for the whole time my daughter was there. Needless to say she's not going there again. Pretty disgusted especially as I so often take his daughter out to save her from a dull day with him. She's got chapped lips, isn't fed very healthy food and dressed in tatty dirty clothes. I'm not snobby but I do think being regularly hungover or drunk in charge of a 7 y.o. is unacceptable.

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 21:23

yeah freddie i do get that...but there are still concerns IMO. OP got the gossip from the x, so it is unreliable BUT also;

he does school pick ups smelling of alcohol
he sleeps whilst supervising kids
the child is unclean (which IS a warning)
She has chapped lips (constantly??)

All on there own, probably nothing. All together, maybe something. Id rather raise my concerns with the school and let them assess the situation. You cant turn a blind eye.

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MorrisZapp · 11/05/2013 21:24

Do you have any friends, Freddie? Do any of them have partners or ex partners? If they told you about the men in their life, would you believe them, or do you think your friends talk flim flam?

I tend to believe my friends when they tell me about their exes. Why don't you pop over to the relationship board and tell everybody to stop badmouthing their exes?

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:25

Of course I have friends don't be ridiculous

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 21:26

"unfortunately rambososcar, it's not that easy. People have bills to pay, standards they believe they need to meet, lives they try and hold together"

mumandboys, do you think if you tried really, really hard you could be even more patronising? Fgs, I know that! Been there, done that and could write the sodding book which is why I know that it's not impossible or unreasonable to do.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:27

I just think the OP was trying to built a neglect case. And there's a massive difference to listening to an mate slag off their ex to calling SS.

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VelvetSpoon · 11/05/2013 21:28

The OP didn't say the girl was dirty - she said her clothes were tatty and dirty. Not quite the same thing - and in what way? I know children who wreck clothes, and are filthy within minutes of getting dressed, if this was after a day at school I'm not surprised she didn't look clean and tidy.

My DS2 has chapped lips most of the winter. I buy him lipsalve, he forgets to put it on half the time.

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 21:29

mumandboys, the man is an ex to the child's mother. They live together but are no longer in a relationship.
RTFT.

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 21:31

Freddie - are you stalking me or am I stalking you again?

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 21:32

ramboscar is correct. I was told in no uncertain terms that I could not leave my children with my X if i suspected he had been drinking; that SS would consider that neglect

(as they should, i woulld NEVER have done it)

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 21:33

and do you smell of alcohol at school picks ups velvet and fall asleep when supervising children?

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nellyjelly · 11/05/2013 21:33

To be drunk in charge of a child is actually a criminal offence.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:34

Rambos - I was here first

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MorrisZapp · 11/05/2013 21:34

Op didn't mention SS. I'm just wondering why on this thread, friends are not to be believed when discussing exes.

I had an ex with a drink problem. I also had one with a boomerang shaped knob. My friends know all this and more, and they believe me.

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poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 21:34

The ex is the mother and my friend. She lives with her ex, the father. As I originally said. So there's no gossip thank you as I speak to both parents directly.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:35

But surely if you knew the man had a problem with drink (coz you know that's not code for is an alcoholic) then you wouldn't let your child go round there? Or am I over-protective?

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 21:35

Sometimes when you have concerns of this nature posting and asking the question can really help you work out if the concerns are genuine concerns or just because you have subconscious or open issues with the parent involved.

Its easier to see a problem if you dislike the parent or feel you are superior to them or there is history equally as such it can be harder to see a real problem if you really like the parent or there parenting style is not much different to yours or lots of parents in your social group.

Nothing wrong with asking others what they think.

Fwiw I think its a massive problem having a resident parent with a drink problem even if to most people they look like ok parents. But I also don't think chapped lips or clothes that are not up to your standards and takeaways are an issue.

The reason why I'm asking if she told you before or after your child was in his care is because if it was before its a very good indicator of your impressions of how why ect she said it. If at the time something about the conversation made you go hmm and with out it being anything you could put your finger on but made you think perhaps she's being malicious to the point that you had no issue in sending your child then its fairly safe to say its your friendship with mum that has in essence red flagged your brain.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:36

So the man himself has told you he has a problem with drink?

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 21:37

OP your friend really really needs to find alternative childcare

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:40

Why are they still living together? That must be hell for both of them.

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poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 21:42

He's had the problem for years.

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 21:43

can you describe the drinking problem/pattern?

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rambososcar · 11/05/2013 21:45

Freddie, no you're not over-protective. You know someone has an alcohol problem - you don't leave your child in their care. Doesn't matter if he's the father of the child or the husband of your friend, you don't leave the child in his care. I don't see what's hard to grasp about that, and I don't think you or Sock do either.

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 21:47

My best friend in the whole world has over the years ranted about her ex and his incompetency as a parent. Ok yes he's not ideal but he's done nothing that warrants her routine ramblings of cutting contact.

The difference is I tell her she's talking shit and would be doing her children a huge disservice if she did, she knows he's not abusive neglectful or a risk in anyway to the kids she just gets cross that his priorities are not the same as hers granted his priorities make him a great dad to his resident child but piss poor to their children but as he is not a risk or abusive to then sometimes she just needs to take a step back.

I'm sure if the op had given actual examples of legit cp issues along with the drinking problem then nobody would have been doubting them.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:51

Exactly Sock.

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 21:55

Rambo.

There are no circumstances that I would ever allow any of my children to be in the care of someone with a drink problem none what so ever no matter who that person was. They could be the other parent with a court order with a power of arrest in their hand demanding I handed over my children and I still wouldn't.

I also wouldn't let my children go to dinner or to play after school at a house where I knew one of the parents who had a drink problem was in even if the other parent was also there.

I think you have misinterpreted my stance on the subject.

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