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AIBU?

to think that my daughter's friend is not being looked after properly?

192 replies

poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 20:11

Her mum's at work most of the time and her dad is unemployed with a drink problem. The parents are not together but live together still. One day I rang at 930 inviting her out. Went to pick her up at 1130 & she wasn't ready cos her dad had fallen back asleep. So she was basically unsupervised. My daughter went there for tea a couple of weeks ago & she said they got KFC (ugh) on the way home & then fell asleep for the whole time my daughter was there. Needless to say she's not going there again. Pretty disgusted especially as I so often take his daughter out to save her from a dull day with him. She's got chapped lips, isn't fed very healthy food and dressed in tatty dirty clothes. I'm not snobby but I do think being regularly hungover or drunk in charge of a 7 y.o. is unacceptable.

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poppymay13 · 11/05/2013 21:06

Thanks Mintyy. I know there are some miserable people on here who just want to bitch. Night all x

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:06

Her concerns are that he fell asleep which isn't great, but other than that it's all a load of gossip and bad mouthing.

Oh and he took them for a KFC, which in this house is a massive treat.

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ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged · 11/05/2013 21:06

Being an alcoholic can mean a whole spectrum of things. One poster has said that if one parent is an alcoholic then the child is at risk. My DP is an alcoholic (just started the role to recovery) - we both work full time, are well educated and provide a (relatively!) clean home for our ds. He is not at risk.
We can't afford KFC though!

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:07

Would a school really take concerns from an ex that seriously? If there were no other issues?

Because if that's the case, I am genuinely worried.

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nellyjelly · 11/05/2013 21:08

Yes it is seen as a risk. Research shows kids in families where alcohol is a problem are more at risk from neglect or abuse. Does't mean they all are. It is just a flag for anu agencies involved. OP right to be concerned.

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qualitytoffee · 11/05/2013 21:08

OP while your intentions may be based on genuine concern, you sound very judgemental. So she eats KFC, and throws an apple core away! (shock)
You don't have any proof that Dad is an alcoholic, i'm a lone parent and i'm sat here drinking a lovely vodka and coke! (My son is 17 though, before you judge)
Maybe you're right in your assumptions, if so, keep an eye out, if not, keep doing what your doing, but less of the bitchy tone thats coming across in your post.

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yaimee · 11/05/2013 21:08

What's the mother like? Is she kind and attentive towards the little girl when she isn't at work?
Do you know for a fact this girl is eating poorly or is she just eating foods that you wouldn't consider to be healthy? What I mean is, is she well nourished and otherwise healthy?
The KFC isn't a problem, it's just a treat with her friend.
Apart from that I think you might be getting an unnecessarily hard time. You obviously care about the welfare of the little girl and are doing your best to help without imposing too much.
I'd say just keep doing what you're doing. None of what you have described warrants an ss call really. It doesn't sound abusive or seriously neglectful.
Keep close, give her lots of support and kindness and keep an eye on her.
Maybe try to befriend the Mum too, so that she can talk to you if she needs help with her exp.
I'm assuming the girl is in school for most of the day and that her mum is at home for at least some of the evenings, so as long as the mum is ok you can take comfort in that.

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wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/05/2013 21:08

My ex phoned SS on me because of odd socks and because I "wasnt being nice" to his partner. (I have never said boo to the woman.)

Odd fucking socks.

All the OP has to go on is gossip and different standards.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:09

I agree Wannabe.

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 21:09

Still interested to know if she said this before or after you left your child in his care

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yaimee · 11/05/2013 21:11

Oh, maybe donate some of your dds clothes if this seems appropriate.

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VelvetSpoon · 11/05/2013 21:12

All the OP has to go on is gossip and different standards

^^ Absolutely agree.

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 21:12

if the school know he has a drink problem is what i said....if the school have been told by his xgirlfriend/MiL etc, that doesnt constitute 'knowing' anything does it

and freddie presumably your children arent unclean with possible signs of dehydration/malnourishment

no sock it is not the case that a Dr needs to pronounce a eprson 'an alcoholic'. Half the time, alcoholics dont go to the doctor

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SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 11/05/2013 21:12

A 7 year old girl who is quite shy with her friends mother? Nope no issues there.
A 7 year old girl who feels accepted enough in a house she is familiar in to do what she has been taught and help herself to healthy snacks? Nope no issues there.
Who obviously isn't starving either.
Your issues with KFC, a father who fell asleep for hours and who doesn't work? Who told you he was sleeping for hours? 7 year olds IMO can't be relied upon to get accurate facts.
YABU to take against them because they can't or don't reciprocate taking your DD out for the day.

I will concede you should keep an eye out if your senses are tingling, but you need way more than this.

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mumandboys123 · 11/05/2013 21:13

unfortunately rambososcar, it's not that easy. People have bills to pay, standards they believe they need to meet, lives they try and hold together. I have not personally understood that the father is an 'ex' from this thread, just that his 'ex' told the OP that he has a drink problem. I might have it wrong.

Regardless, life's hard. People make poor decisions based on the best possible reasons. I suspect there is a huge amount more to this story than we can possibly get from the OP and making any kind of real judgement is impossible.

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 21:15

no freddie they really wouldnt. Has your x spoken to the school? they are probably obliged to record it/maybe have a conversation with you

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yaimee · 11/05/2013 21:16

Actually, after reading your subsequent posts I've changed my mind, the hard time you're getting is completely justified.
Definitely agree with wannabe about the gossip and different standards.

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Boomba · 11/05/2013 21:16

reluctant a child is at emotional risk with an alcoholic parent, even if there is no neglect/abuse

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IneedAsockamnesty · 11/05/2013 21:17

Actually from a legal perspective ( as a cp case would be) then yes they do you don't just say that person is a drunk and get believed. And should ss attempt to bring a case based solely on that then they would have to have legally accepted evidence.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 11/05/2013 21:17

He and his mother have told anyone who will even half listen.

But honestly, can't you see how all this is flim flam and smoke and mirrors and gossip and a picture being built of not very much indeed?

The op's friend is the ex, she's hardly going to give a fair picture is she?

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Lioninthesun · 11/05/2013 21:17

I just want to add - her throwing the half eaten apple away - I imagine she was scared to say she had taken it and couldn't finish it and desperately tried to hide the fact. My mum drank a lot and the personality changes were so huge that you never knew what kind of parent you were going to get - erupting for little or no reason. I was also a very quiet child because of this. Please imagine how her home life must be at her age, and re asses why she is quiet and possibly slightly secretive. She needs support and will possibly be clinging onto your family for fun and care.

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uncongenial · 11/05/2013 21:17

The alcoholic father would be a concern, if you're sure about that. Also that the mother hasn't noticed, or done anything about, the dirty, ragged clothing?

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sittinginthesun · 11/05/2013 21:18

Tbh, OP, I'm not quite sure what you want from this thread?

If you are genuinely concerned, then you continue to have the child round to play, take her out, support the mum.

If you are very concerned, then talk to the school.

If you find it a nuisance to have her round, and don't feel comfortable letting your child go to hers, then stop doing it. But why post here?

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Lioninthesun · 11/05/2013 21:18

Bless her - I want to send the poor kid something now :(

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VelvetSpoon · 11/05/2013 21:20

My Ex often falls asleep when in charge of the DC. He is the sort of person that, if he sits down, he's asleep within seconds. Hence they are left to their own devices when they are with him. Likewise he often feeds DC takeaways and KFC. Not my choice of food BUT it won't harm them once a fortnight.

My DC also look like scruffs, they have plenty of clean clothes in their wardrobes but often prefer to wear the same thing 2 or 3 times until I can wrestle it off them

My Ex however does work FT and has plenty of cash to take the DC and their mates out for treat days, so presumably wouldn't attract the OP's disapproval...

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