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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not allow my child to go to a football parade on a week night during SATs week?

474 replies

TheDetective · 11/05/2013 19:28

I'm being called all the names under the sun by my ex, and DS1 is sulking and barely speaking to me.

I just found out tonight that Ex DP is planning to take DS1 to watch the Man United parade on Monday night. It is 6-7.30pm, and is 25 miles from home.

Any other school night I'd be fine with this. But not during SATs week, which it is next week.

I've said he can't go. He's worked hard for these exams, his sets for high school depend on the outcome of them. I just want to do what is best for DS.

I've rang my mum, his headteacher, to ask her opinion in case I am being unreasonable. She is furious that ex thinks this is even a good idea.

This is his dads reply by text 'you too are pathetic when he rebels against you youve only yourself to blame'. And 'Like I said pathetic'. Followed by 'just wait promise you he will rebel he already can't wait to get out of mums school I will laugh my ass off'. Those are his exact words by the way, not my typos.

I want my son to do well. I hope I am not being unreasonable.

It's not like utd don't have a fucking parade every season is it??

OP posts:

diddl · 14/05/2013 15:07

I'll agree with you that it's a shitty situation by the sounds of it.

I wonder though, all those saying "let him go"-what would happen if the other parent was saying no-who would "prevail"?

Original poster

TheDetective · 14/05/2013 15:38

Not that I particularly care, but since aspersions are being cast over my character. This man has a caution for domestic violence. Against me. He would have had a conviction if I had reported the further incidents.

There is no point scoring as far as I am concerned. Merely protecting my child as far as possible.

It might make you think though, when someone posts something, they usually have far more to the story than meets the eye. And one should not feel they have to disclose such information.

I wasn't going to, but you know what, I've done nothing wrong. I'm not ashamed. He is. And that is why he walked away with nothing, and why he isn't as involved as he should have been.

I don't trust his judgement - no. Would you?

OP posts:

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 14/05/2013 16:04

Gosh - that's unfortunate he just got a caution. Usually the CPS take the view that cautions are not an appropriate way of dealing with DV situations (even one incident), so that's not sent out a very good message.

Unfortunately posters can only go on the information provided so can necessarily assume cautions or convictions for DV when responding when theirs absolutely no info that could even lead to

Original poster

TheDetective · 14/05/2013 16:10

No, but it would do well for some people to stop and consider that there is often far more than can be posted about, when they start chucking comments about and casting character assertions.

Particularly those who think they make good amateur psychologists.

I posted for opinions on the scenario. Not opinions on me. That is just rude. And given that most people if asked this scenario in real life, would not say half the things that have been posted on here - I ask, why is it okay to type something you would not say?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheDetective · 14/05/2013 16:12

It was 4.5 years ago, he admitted what he had done, was taken away and cautioned.

I don't really like thinking about it, or talking about it. I feel sorry for him, that he would have behaved in this way.

OP posts:

seeker · 14/05/2013 16:16

I am very sorry you had such a horrible time.

But you did post about football parades and SATs- not about your ex partner's violent tendencies......

Original poster

TheDetective · 14/05/2013 16:26

Exactly, I posted about one thing. The parade.

So why did several posters decide to character assassinate me? I fail to see how that is acceptable?

OP posts:

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 14/05/2013 16:29

I totally agree detective,how you get from parade to all the accusations on this thread I don't know.

Original poster

TheDetective · 14/05/2013 16:30

AIBU?

Yes or no. Simple question.

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 14/05/2013 16:32

Everyone got cross with you OP because we only had what you had said to go on, and when everyone advised you to do one thing you were digging your heels in-very infuriating. Everyone was feeling sorry for yourDS, having an absolutely immovable mother, no matter the advice given on here.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 14/05/2013 16:32

I don't know how you get from parades and SATs to domestic violence cautions, to be honest.

However, for the avoidance of doubt, YABU.

Bowlersarm · 14/05/2013 16:34

Nearly everyone said yes.
You were keen to keep saying no.
That is very frustrating, so people were compelled to argue with you.

LadyBeagleEyes · 14/05/2013 16:35

Sorry Op, but that is drip feeding.
I've looked at other threads of yours and though he seems a twat, I didn't see anything about dv, but he wrecked your home and subsequently left.
You've also said he loves his son.
I think it's a bit unfair bringing this up now.
I'm still of the opinion that he should have been allowed to go to the parade.
But it's done and I'll back out now.

Original poster

TheDetective · 14/05/2013 16:37

Bloody hell, it's just the internet! I think some people need to put it down and walk away if they get that frustrated at someone not doing as you say!

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 14/05/2013 16:41

Why did you bother asking the question at all?

Your mind was made up from the outset.

Goldmandra · 14/05/2013 16:42

I think some people need to put it down and walk away if they get that frustrated at someone not doing as you say!

Completely agree!

lljkk · 14/05/2013 16:44

I think some people need to put it down and walk away if they get that frustrated at someone not doing as you say!

Pot, Kettle, Black.

PatPig · 14/05/2013 18:18

I think the issue is that you started with the character assassination saying that your ex let your son watch an inappropriate movie a year or so ago.

He is your son's father, he might not be the best father in the world, but scoring points is not going to help. Unless there are real solid things beyond 'he wants to go out on a school night, once in a blue moon', or 'he watched an unsuitable movie a year ago', it's best just to try and support your son's relationship with his father and accept that you may have different parenting styles.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 14/05/2013 18:22

drip .... drip.... drip...
oh and op you have chosen to return over and over again so pot kettle black.
Strange how this latest titbit is only posted when virtually everyone disagrees with you.

Original poster

TheDetective · 14/05/2013 18:37

Hmmm, well, it is my thread, so I would return. Yes.

Also, you don't generally start a thread by telling your whole life history. I included what was relevant at that point.

It had no relevance until people started trying to attack my reasons for not wanting DS to go to this.

Now it does have relevance - as it explains the relationship more.

OP posts:

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 14/05/2013 22:19

Uhm well surely if he's such a twat it's not a hard leap to assume you might be tightly wound and him provocative towards you?

I don't view that as armchair psych, just common sense.

But you're right, this is about the parade. No idea why you dredged up the DV (very sorry) Your character wasn't 'assassinated,' no one said you're a shit mum/shit at your job/called you names. Merely disagreed with how you handled this situation.

But as a few posters have noted, we can only go on what you posted here, and the general consensus was you were being controlling and point scoring. Puts on amateur psychologist hat When almost 400 posters think the same thing, maybe you should consider they aren't entirely wrong?

Leaving this thread now. Throwing your toys out of the pram by using such an emotive topic to guilt and silence those who disagreed 'assassinated' your character isn't particularly classy.

I am sincerely sorry you were attacked, especially by someone who was supposed to love you the most. No one deserves violence.

Pigsmummy · 15/05/2013 11:24

Did your Son go the the parade?

MidniteScribbler · 15/05/2013 11:37

I don't trust his judgement - no. Would you?

My opinion about this particular issue would not be any different if you had disclosed the information. Since you allow your ex access, and allow him to take your DS on holidays, then there does not appear to be any apparent concern as to his welfare when in the care of his father. You did say in your original post that you would have no problem with him going on any other week. I answered the question you asked. Yes I think YABU. And my opinion has not wavered on that point, regardless of your further postings on the issue.

Blueskiesandbuttercups · 15/05/2013 11:40

You're sorry she as attacked but thinks this is about point scoring.

I think anybody who facilitates their son to have contact with somebody who attacked them is hardly going to have point scoring as a goal when making decisions.

The fact she is putting her own feelings aside in order to facilitate a father/ son relationship kind of pours water on that little theory.

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