AIBU to not allow my child to go to a football parade on a week night during SATs week?

[TheDetective]

I'm being called all the names under the sun by my ex, and DS1 is sulking and barely speaking to me.

I just found out tonight that Ex DP is planning to take DS1 to watch the Man United parade on Monday night. It is 6-7.30pm, and is 25 miles from home.

Any other school night I'd be fine with this. But not during SATs week, which it is next week.

I've said he can't go. He's worked hard for these exams, his sets for high school depend on the outcome of them. I just want to do what is best for DS.

I've rang my mum, his headteacher, to ask her opinion in case I am being unreasonable. She is furious that ex thinks this is even a good idea.

This is his dads reply by text 'you too are pathetic when he rebels against you youve only yourself to blame'. And 'Like I said pathetic'. Followed by 'just wait promise you he will rebel he already can't wait to get out of mums school I will laugh my ass off'. Those are his exact words by the way, not my typos.

I want my son to do well. I hope I am not being unreasonable.

It's not like utd don't have a fucking parade every season is it??

They're not even exams, they're tests. Sorry to get all pedantic but they really are something completely different.

"Has it been this week no doubt it would've distracted them from their tests and they would not achieve what they have worked so hard to do so all year."

Am I the only one to find it really depressing if dangly's school children have really been working all year for their SATS? When I was 10, I was still learning because it was fun and exciting.

As for the idea that there is something wrong about an event that leaves 10-year-olds so excited that they are finding it difficult to stop thinking about it...

Ladies save your breath ( fingers) the op is far too interested in pissing off her ex and sucking up to her mum.

This has nothing whatsoever to do with these meaningless tests.

I still laughing over the picture of blues son telling the whole uni bar he has prep to do! Jolly good.

cory...they have not been working to the tests all year. What I meant is that they have worked all year to progress from where they were...and they all have.
I just find a lot of people in this day and age make too many excuses about 'living life' and 'once in a lifetime' opportunities which in other words is any excuse to do something they want. Lets face it - a Man U parade is not a once in a lifetime thing now is it? They kind of become devalued if it happens most years like it does!

Cory I think our parents have a lot in common.

As a parent now I think of some of the decisions they made with regards to priorities and my hobbies and I would never, ever do that for my DS. I remember I wanted to join the debating club - great opportunity to develop speaking skills as I was quite shy, also a good way to meet boys as went to single sex school. But I wasn't allowed to go because it clashed with my clarinet lesson, that I hated anyway. But to them music was sacred.

OP I don't get football, don't get any of the hoo haa associated with it. If it was my child I wouldn't be too keen for him to be out late on a week with tests, but sometimes unfortunately for us children have two parents and what doesn't seem right to us might not be the worst thing in the world for the child. Oh and wanting to go so he can boast about it at school - it's not a dreadful reason, most decisions in life are motivated by self interest.

In theory it doesn't sound like a hugely late night. I'd let him go. But on the other hand I'd be kicking up merry hell about your XP pulling him out of school - it would have to be something very special before I'd agree to that.

ok, dangly, I see: it was just the way it was phrased that made it sound as if you really had had them working towards this exam all year

brought back some of my worst memories of dd's HT telling absolute porkies about the importance of SATS in assembly at the start of the year and some of the children (not dd) getting very worked up

but your later post makes it clearer

still, of they have worked for progress all year, they will still have that progress, won't they? it won't be taken away from them if they are on slightly less than top form during one SATS day?

as for the importance of the parade, I think it is different this year because of Ferguson leaving; that's not going to be repeated every year

I think I found the oddest thing that OP rang her Mum about it!

If that happens a lot, I'm not surprised the ex gets pissed off!

So does the boy really want to go?

It would be the late night that would bother me-plus is it really "history in the making"-that a football manager has resigned??

And grown men have had tears in their eyes about it?

Why's is it funny that grown men have had tears in their eyes about the greatest football manager this country has ever seen retiring? (That's not me saying that, that's statistics and the media etc). If you are a true fan of ManU, and have been for years, then no matter what sex or age you are, today will have been emotional!

agree diddl, I also wondered if this was an established pattern. Seems like a certain conflict of interest to be head to your gs but probably not unique. Maybe her pride in gs' performance is at stake too.

Yeah their grades won't get taken away but they still have the opportunity to make progress on our own assessments. There are many who aspire to achieve more than they have already and I would love to see them all reach their personal targets. We have 5/6 children who are within 1 or 2 marks of reaching a level 6. Watching them achieve that will be a very proud moment both for the parents and the staff. I know a few children who are very keen to reach a level 4 and with a good nights rest and a calm morning, they can achieve it but being borderline, having a disrupted night or being unsettled at school will make all the difference. Right now our assessments have them at a high 3 and they can achieve a 4 if they are in the right frame. I want them to be proud of what they have achieved and don't want any disappointed faces when it comes to results time...

As for Ferguson, he has been at the past however many...so it isn't any different because he has attended them all, be just be the same as every other parade for the past however many years! I do see the point tho that he won't be in the next one but I reckon he will pop up with them still here and there!

I think it is clear that this does actually mean a lot to a lot of people, so in that sense it is history- how else do we define history?

I felt quite emotional when I managed to secure tickets to hear Victoria de los Angeles sing at a charity concert, despite the fact that her voice was definitely past it: it just seemed such a special thing to have heard her. I'd call that a historic moment, must have been one of her very last concerts. So why should someone who feels about football as I did about opera not feel the same about a manager who has meant a lot to football? Neither of them have waged war or conquered nations, but they both meant a lot to their particular area.

As ds told me when we went on the Wembley football stadium tour: "This means the same to me as seeing those old inscriptions in the Tower of London means to you." Point taken.

I told him that I knew that and that was why I'd wanted to go with him. And was very proud of my 12yo who could verbalise something that I hadn't been able to put into words until I was well into my 40s.

dangly131 Sun 12-May-13 19:29:43
"Yeah their grades won't get taken away but they still have the opportunity to make progress on our own assessments. "

I think we have rather different views of education. My point was that the progress they have made, the learning they have done, will not be taken from them, no matter what happens to their grades. I find it very sad if the only benefit of Yr 6 is supposed to be the actual grade you achieve. (tbh I find that attitude sad in my undergraduates too- and I can't help noticing that the ones that do best even in terms of grades are usually the ones who understand that learning is about more than grades)

You asked if their progress would get taken from them not their learning.

It really isn't about my ex. I don't care what he does or doesn't do. My sole concern is DS. Any amateur psychologists can make what they like. I know how our 'relationships' work. I have to be the parent, while he calls himself DS's mate. He just won't be involved in any discipline, any issues, or in DS's education.

Believe me. I've tried to involve him. He laughs in my face when I tell him DS has done something and I'd appreciate him backing me up with whatever.

As much as it frustrates me at the time, I'd never let DS suffer for that.

The situation, as it is, is that I don't think it appropriate to go to this given the distance from home. I regularly go to Manchester, and I know, hand on heart we are always later home than whatever estimated time we think it will be. We always get caught up somehow.

If it was local, there wouldn't be an issue. But it isn't.

You obviously think you know better than anyone else. So there is little point in asking opinions. So 14 pages later you are no further forward. Just go along in your headstrong foolish way. As you have no intention of budging an inch. Pathetic!!

It's 25 miles, not the fecking moon!

I actually don't think it is about your ex OP. He sounds infuriating and irresponsible and its likely that when your DS is older he will see for himself which parent invested more in him. I also disagree with your ex and other posters who say that your DS will rebel against you. IME the teenage years are a bit unpredictable, and I think we definitely can't predict what your relationship will be like based purely on this tiny snapshot of your lives.

Its just still really unclear what it is all about because the SATs really don't matter.

OP, I'm a Liverpool fan & I think your DS should be allowed to go to watch this.

SATs are a pointless waste of time imo & I'm speaking as a parent with two DC in grammar school who I have high expectations for, so don't think I'm
disparaging about education generally.

This is a parade he'll always remember.

DS hasn't mentioned it since it was brought up. If he really wanted to go, there would be no let up on the pester front.

I think it is a non issue now as far as DS is concerned. I've no idea from his fathers point of view, as apart from a few texts in a row calling me various names, I've not heard since.

I think it's very dangerous to push children to get those extra 1-2 marks in SATs which will push them over a grade boundary - because they won't really be that level at all, they will just have been drilled and drilled and drilled to do well in the test. When they hit Yr7, the school will realise what level they really are, and they may well be disappointed to be told they have 'gone backwards' when all that's happened is that they are working at their real level. It's called the Yr7 dip, and I'm pretty sure it's linked to excess coaching for SATs results.

Ah well, you're right and we're all wrong.
Next time you have a dilemma don't bother coming on AIBU, just speak to your mother.

Hope your ds does well in his sats op. Maybe you and your ex need to work out a better way to talk to one another about your son, you will be having these conversations for awhile.

So your DS isn't bothered about going, and your ex isn't too bothered about him going either?

Well that was a lot of fuss about nothing then OP, getting us all riled like that

I think he should go OP, he might not seem bothered now but he would probably enjoy it a lot. Education is not just about school, what United have achieved with Ferguson is a massive part of social and sporting history. Given that he's retiring it makes the parade more important thing year.

FWIW I remember going to the pub with my Dad to watch England play France in Euro 2004 the night before my GCSE English Lit exam. I probably had a couple of drinks, probably didn't get in til gone 11. I still got an A*.

YABU, but why ask on AIBU if you do not want opinions (especially when the majority say YABU). Your son is 10/11 he will obviously remember his year 6 sats for the rest of his life.

The chance to bond with his father is just bullshit obviously and maybe they you would be happier if they were revising.

Your mother and her opinion obviously comes first.

I remember when Ryan Giggs (I do not care for football) came to my local supermarket (during sats time) do you know what I remember? My exams (just kidding) it was standing in a queue with the camaraderie that went with it.

To be honest I feel sorry for your son, he is missing out on some bonding time with his dad.

You come across as very controlling