To tell my friend I cant see her because of her 3 yo dd?

[bubbagee]

8 months ago, we moved to a new area and I got friendly with a lovely group of women who all have dc's the same age as my ds (3). I became especially good friends with one of the mums as we have very similar interests.

The problem is how her 3 yo dd acts/behaves when she is at my house. She gets hysterical if she asks me, her mum or my ds to do something/say something and we either don't hear her/don't understand what she wants us to do. For example, she wanted ds to play pat a cake and he just couldn't really get the hang of it and she went into this absolute rage of tears, really deafening screaming and almost vomited because she was so worked up. She is a big girl, twice the size of my ds (they are 2 weeks apart in age) and really gets in your face. She gets really angry if me and her mum are talking about something which doesn't include her and will scream this awful high pitched sound until we stop talking and focus all attention on her.

This happens EVERY TIME they come over and if we go their house, even if we meet out.

The problem is, my ds just cant handle it. They came over yesterday and ds went and hid under the bed. When I went up to see what was wrong he was sobbing saying her screaming hurts his ears. They had only just walked in the door and already he was anticipating the drama. When she is having these episodes, my friend cuddles her and tries to placate her by singing but it just doesn't work. When they are at my house, her dd refuses to go home and yesterday they were here for 7 hours because every time she tried to get her shoes on she would just have an absolute meltdown. My friend believes in gentle discipline as do I, but I cant expose my ds to this any longer. yesterday was the final straw. I felt like id been battered mentally. He asks me every morning if they are coming over and has a really nervous look on his face. AIBU to talk to my friend about this and say I cant see her because of this? I would suggest we meet up just the two of us, but I know she wouldn't do this because she doesn't like leaving her dd.

I wouldn't always prefer it to be assumed a child has SN..

I would definitely consider it when it comes to 7 hour meltdowns and child getting extremely distressed by rules being broken, IYSWIM.

To me that is extreme.

Otherwise you are spot on

No one disagrees with you Fanjo.
But there's no need for the guilt tripping. I know how to conduct myself. My friend has two kids with challenging behaviour owing to SN, and I am wholly supportive as a friend. Of course I am.
I have also fazed out others in the past, who made get togethers intolerable through lack of boundaries, such as outstaying their welcome (had that), or insisting we meet every single Wednesday and being cross if I have something else on and couldn't make it (too intense), and being unaware and ineffectual around their poorly behaved children who unsurprisingly lack boundaries too!

The seven hour visit, being the thing that I have really focused on throughout the thread, suggests similar. That's my perspective.

Sorry,I genuinely didnt meanto guilt trip you.

I just really do feel for the mum in this case, as well as the OP.

Was painful to read you saying the wee girl was 'dreadful'.

If you are a great friend to your friend with kids with SN then that is clearly admirable

Just because someone has SNs, it doesn't mean no one is allowed to have any negative emotions about them ever

But I don't think that.

Merely that if a child is distressed due to autism it is very different to being a brat and deliberately kicking off to get their own way.

So it would be harsh to call them a brat.

Believe me, I often have negative emotions about my DD's behaviour.

Buti understand the reasons and don't just call her a brat.

I never believe or say people shouldn't be allowed to think stuff.

I just pick them up on it and challenge it.

Meet them in a public area.
You can leave when you like.

Meet the mum for coffee, without any kids.

Don't have them round at yours.

Your dcs aren't going to get on. Imvhe boys and girls have little to offer each other anyway as friends.

Concentrate on getting some suitable play dates for your son.

Good luck!

Not actually sure why I bother though since I just end up getting flamed or having people misunderstand me. I must be a bit mad I think :)

I'm sorry. When I went through it, it felt dreadful.
Hiding in the toilet going oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck, I cannot listen to any more screeching and why won't she leave? I was so anxious back then not to be unsupportive, and put up with far more than I should.
This was when my eldest was a tot...it took me until my thirties to have confidence enough to refute a drainer.
I'm sorry if you don't like 'dreadful' or 'horrible' or 'ineffectual'.
The situation was horrible, the child's behaviour was dreadful, and her mother was ineffectual.

Its not that I dislike it.

And I also feel your pain.

I just wouldn't see an autistic meltdown..if that was what it was in this case, as "dreadful behaviour"but as manifestation of distress.

Not sure how much clearer I can be really.

The point about not judging somebody is a bit useless really - you might not say to a parent that they are 'ineffectual' or to a child that it is a 'brat' but that won't stop you feeling that way if you do. You either voice it or you don't - it doesn't change the outcome in any way, does it?

OP should do what she feels is right for herself and her son. Some people, regulardless of circumstances, have no thought or sensitivity for other people and will ignore or be oblivious to social behaviour norms. Those people are then surprised when people don't want to see them.

The crux of the issue is that no child should be in fear of visitors, regardless of conditions they may or may not have. Some behaviour is unacceptable and if it can be tolerated then it will have to be worked around - either through removing yourself and your child or by finding like-minded parents to socialise with who can accommodate that behaviour. It's not up to anybody else to determine whether they should or shouldn't find it acceptable.

There's too much non-medical diagnosis here - by FAR. So irritating.

Basically.

Not all challenging behaviour is caused by SN.

Some is, especially when there are red flags or it is severe.

If it is, th en it's wrong to call it 'dreadful' behaviour, blame the parents or claim the child is acting up.

I believe sometimes we should err on side of caution about this.

While of course keeping ourselves and our children safe and happy and trying to bring our children up as well as we can.

That's my point of view.

Now going out to face the public with DD.

You can't expect me (or any of us) not to recount their experiences as we lived it, because you have decided SN may be at play.

You're not the word monitor. My experience fits the bill every bit as much as yours does, and I'll remember as it was, using whatever words I see fit.

I have made it clear that my perspective is not a SN one. Why do you persist in telling me I cannot have it, because it doesn't match yours? The OP if she ever bothers to read, will be able to distinguish the two easily.
I don't like the way you ramp up the emotional stuff to make your point either. That never works with me. I have friends, good friends, who I am good to in return. Nothing to prove here.

How dreadful that our experiences irritate you You'll survive

You can have your perspective.

I am giving mine.

Sounds like you think I shouldn't give mine, tbh.

Very unfair.

"Ramping up the emotional stuff' is actually me FEELING emotional about stuff.

Why should I care if you feel guilty or not?

I don't.

I just feel strong,y about the subject.

Not trying to make you feel anything.

If you do the maybe you feel bad deep down.

Not my problem.

'you're not the word monitor'

Is unfair. And frankly a heap of shite

My point beng irritating was to lyingwitch not you

I agree with you Fanjo. All the way. I haven't argued with your perspective once. Just offered another.
I'm not obliged to fall in with your theory and act accordingly. When you make a point about our choice of words, you are expecting us to jump to.

"I have said there might be SN at play, so now you must all post as though it were fact."

No actually.

And I said your standing by your friends was admirable. I wasn't being sarky,

Was trying to be nice and resolve things, I meant it.

Never mind.

Bye

I meant your friends with kids with challenging SN, not the one you dropped in past. Maybe you misunderstood and thought I was being sarcastic? I wasn't.

Pictish. I really am not, I am just giving my point of view.

Maybe I give it strongly and emotionally because I feel strongly about it.

I am in no way the thought police, seriously