To tell my friend I cant see her because of her 3 yo dd?

[bubbagee]

8 months ago, we moved to a new area and I got friendly with a lovely group of women who all have dc's the same age as my ds (3). I became especially good friends with one of the mums as we have very similar interests.

The problem is how her 3 yo dd acts/behaves when she is at my house. She gets hysterical if she asks me, her mum or my ds to do something/say something and we either don't hear her/don't understand what she wants us to do. For example, she wanted ds to play pat a cake and he just couldn't really get the hang of it and she went into this absolute rage of tears, really deafening screaming and almost vomited because she was so worked up. She is a big girl, twice the size of my ds (they are 2 weeks apart in age) and really gets in your face. She gets really angry if me and her mum are talking about something which doesn't include her and will scream this awful high pitched sound until we stop talking and focus all attention on her.

This happens EVERY TIME they come over and if we go their house, even if we meet out.

The problem is, my ds just cant handle it. They came over yesterday and ds went and hid under the bed. When I went up to see what was wrong he was sobbing saying her screaming hurts his ears. They had only just walked in the door and already he was anticipating the drama. When she is having these episodes, my friend cuddles her and tries to placate her by singing but it just doesn't work. When they are at my house, her dd refuses to go home and yesterday they were here for 7 hours because every time she tried to get her shoes on she would just have an absolute meltdown. My friend believes in gentle discipline as do I, but I cant expose my ds to this any longer. yesterday was the final straw. I felt like id been battered mentally. He asks me every morning if they are coming over and has a really nervous look on his face. AIBU to talk to my friend about this and say I cant see her because of this? I would suggest we meet up just the two of us, but I know she wouldn't do this because she doesn't like leaving her dd.

It would be a shame to loose a friendship, but I really think that would be worth it to not cause your son so much distress. I wouldn't even try to set new boundaries along the lines of "we'll leave if DS gets stressed". The damage is already done.

It is very hard to change your parenting style and I don't think it's likely that she will do that just on your input.

I have had cut contact with someone for similar reasons, and although stressful it was much less stressful than actually seeing them again would have been.

I totally agree apostrophe, child also matters and if this child visiting causes so much distress to him that he hides under his bed sobbing Noway would I subject my child to that. I say this as the mother of an autistic child. Really the mums way of handling of it was totally ineffective and I was not fair o her to subject your ds to 7 hours of that no matter how se is feeling. When going to friends houses I have had to cut visits shrt because of dd behaviour.

Op child also matters sorry about the typo

Op- I think that gentle discipline is great but it's not the same as doing nothing. If OPs friend's dd was lying in the middle of a busy road she wouldn't allow hermto remain there for 7 hours however bad the tantrum was going to be. Same if she was in a shop or at the library and they were going to close, you don't make them stay for 7 hours because your child wants to hang on.

The point is that however 'gentle' you are a parent is still a parent and there are lots of instances when if you didn't intervene there would be very serious trouble. The thing that bothers me about the friend's behaviour is that in some level she decided that this wasn't one of those times when doing something was needed (apart from the singing).

I understand how hard it must be for this woman but agree op that you of course look out for your dc and anything causing anxiety and worry like this isn't on.

If you meet up out somewhere else you could at least leave when you need to and your friend could sit on for 7 hours with her dd if she chooses to but somehow I imagine she wouldn't.

Some people will always overstay their welcome, preempt them by telling them in advance when you will need to get moving for your next appointment. That way nobody feels rejected when you push them out the door and you don't feel imposed upon because you're in control.

Continue the friendship but until your son is no longer quivering in fear at the thought of the other child meet up when he's not around. It's not fair for him to be so stressed out that he is fearfully asking you every day (with dread) whether she's going to be over, neither is it ok for him to feel the need to hide under his bed to avoid her.

You're friend needs to realise she has an issue and seek help to learn how to effectively set boundaries and discipline her child. Special needs or not (and most likely the child isn't given the mothers non parenting methods) cuddling and singing to a tantruming child will only encourage more tantrums, allowing her to squat in someones home for seven hours because she tantrums at every attempt to get her shoes on is only encouraging more of the same. This child has been taught that there is one very effective way to get whatever she wants. Until that changes it's unfair to expose your son to more of the same.

Can you meet in a neutral place - like a playground or play area? Then if things get rough you can beat a swift exit.

I don't think you can broach this stuff with the mother. I think its likely she'll be mortally offended and find it intrusive / critical of her parenting.

But she clearly has major problems. Maybe a bit of space between you would be the only thing?

The OP says this happens even when they're out though. So I don't think a neutral place is the answer. Sometimes there is just a last straw.

Yes, but if it kicks off and she immediately LEAVEs then it makes the point without having to vocalize a criticism. That's the only reason I suggest it. You can't leave your own house so easily....

I would probably broach it but fudge it a bit.
'My child is going through a highly sensitive, fussy PHASE and is getting very upset by boisterous other DC and loud noises and rough and tumble, shrieking excitable kid stuff...especially at home... I'm wondering if we could do shorter play dates in the park or wherever so I can take him home to chill when it gets too much - I can see your DD is going through an excitable loud PHASE right now and I think they are winding each other up a bit at ours, inside. Plus - been meaning to say for ages, I'd love some child free time and a drink with you, do you fancy a drink one night?'

This would be my attempt at neutralising stress for my dc whilst not losing friendship and opening door to the can't cope/possible SN chat gently.

I have a DC with SN; you do tend to grab any support you get and can lose focus as to how it impacts sometimes because you are in tunnel vision coping mode.

TrucksAndDinosaurs. Perfectly worded. .

Morning! Praying as I read through.

mymate your first post was unnecessarily harsh to the OP.

As apostrophe has said "
Your child is just as important as the other little child, regardless of whether the speculation on this threat about her having special needs is correct or not. "

The OP cant be expected to pre-diagnose SNs in someone else's child - she can only deal with what is in front of her at the time.

This child has been taught that there is one very effective way to get whatever she wants. Until that changes it's unfair to expose your son to more of the same.

Yup.

Or..the child is very distressed by leaving and shouting or threats won't do any good and in fact the cuddling and singing are exactly the right approach if the child is having an autistic meltdown, she isn't necessarily some Machiavellian spoilt child, she could be very stressed.

'My child is going through a highly sensitive, fussy PHASE and is getting very upset by boisterous other DC and loud noises and rough and tumble, shrieking excitable kid stuff...especially at home... I'm wondering if we could do shorter play dates in the park or wherever so I can take him home to chill when it gets too much

Trucks - that's a lovely well intended sentiment, but there's just no way I'd be blaming my own child for daring to dislike her child's horrible behaviour. That's not going to help is it?

It's not YOUR dreadful difficult child that's at fault...it's mine. That's what that says.
Just no.

oP does need to looK out for her own child..

But those of you persisting in calling the child 'dreadful" and 'horrible' and her mum 'ineffectual' while ignoring the fact that several of us, who know what we are talking about, have said the wee girl could well have autism, make me very sad.

I have a friend whose son is like that about leaving. He has autism. She is very far from ineffectual and her child is not horrible in any way, just can't cope with changes.

Luckily she knows some understanding people.

And yes Pictish, I am talking about you.

We don't know yf the girl is autistic whatsoever!
Bog off!

Well I and others have said there's a good chance she is.

Therefore it's inappropriate to refer to her in the terms you are.

No, I won't 'bog off'.

Grow up, are you 12?

I have actually made my point and will indeed have to bog off, as DD is off school.

So, feel free to carry on being insensitive.

Have you? Doesn't make it so does it?

And I'll think and say what I like about it Fanjo having been the put upon friend myself.
There are TWO parents in this scenario....

Makes it possible, while there's a chance I would be a bit more sensitive with what I say.

Some people are just like belligerent steamrollers though.

Oh I never said oP should put up with it.

Just that I wouldn't refer to the child and her mum in such a shitty way.