To tell my friend I cant see her because of her 3 yo dd?

[bubbagee]

8 months ago, we moved to a new area and I got friendly with a lovely group of women who all have dc's the same age as my ds (3). I became especially good friends with one of the mums as we have very similar interests.

The problem is how her 3 yo dd acts/behaves when she is at my house. She gets hysterical if she asks me, her mum or my ds to do something/say something and we either don't hear her/don't understand what she wants us to do. For example, she wanted ds to play pat a cake and he just couldn't really get the hang of it and she went into this absolute rage of tears, really deafening screaming and almost vomited because she was so worked up. She is a big girl, twice the size of my ds (they are 2 weeks apart in age) and really gets in your face. She gets really angry if me and her mum are talking about something which doesn't include her and will scream this awful high pitched sound until we stop talking and focus all attention on her.

This happens EVERY TIME they come over and if we go their house, even if we meet out.

The problem is, my ds just cant handle it. They came over yesterday and ds went and hid under the bed. When I went up to see what was wrong he was sobbing saying her screaming hurts his ears. They had only just walked in the door and already he was anticipating the drama. When she is having these episodes, my friend cuddles her and tries to placate her by singing but it just doesn't work. When they are at my house, her dd refuses to go home and yesterday they were here for 7 hours because every time she tried to get her shoes on she would just have an absolute meltdown. My friend believes in gentle discipline as do I, but I cant expose my ds to this any longer. yesterday was the final straw. I felt like id been battered mentally. He asks me every morning if they are coming over and has a really nervous look on his face. AIBU to talk to my friend about this and say I cant see her because of this? I would suggest we meet up just the two of us, but I know she wouldn't do this because she doesn't like leaving her dd.

Of course...but that still doesn't mean she should hang sbout in OP's house for hours on end, or that the OP is obliged to accomodate.

You leave, if the other person has made it clear you are no longer welcome.

No. You do not hang about until your host has to tell you to leave.

I agree star

Unless you know what it is like to be in the shoes of the mother and daughter in that situation then don't judge!

I agree, and said that the op needs to broach this with the other mum to avoid this happening again. At least that way the mother will know that it is one of those situations where time is up means a shoeless screaming dd needs to be hauled through the door. Rather than waiting until dd is calm enough to leave.

Choosing my own child's emotional wellbeing, and control over our home environment, makes me narrow minded and bitter does it?

Your self importance is staggering.

Oh god I've been in so many tricky situations with my DS where I can see it has looked a certain way, but age 3/4 in particular are such difficult ages if they do have undx SN - you are in a real fog, a no mans land. TBh OP if you are uncomfortable with a friendship then you just have to man up and get out of it and stand by your decision. I've had to do the same in reverse, some friends who just weren't helpful when I was in that terrible place, barely knowing what I was really going through. Two years on came diagnosis and a new clarity of thought and a happier place to be. Hopefully this will happen for your friend in time. It's really hard, once you have a child with SN to look at things from any other perspective. Unfortunately, you find out a little bit too much about human nature.

It does make you bitter and narrow minded if you drop the person as a result without even broaching the subject with the other mum, or behind their backs say horrible and judgemental stuff about the mum or the child. The child is only 3!!!

pictish. Your pigheaded lack of empathy is staggering.

@ amberleaf

Good post Dailynamechanger.

If you like your friend then meet up without the children for a coffee at weekends. And to stay seven hours is really just cheeky. I don't think there is any point in having some heart to heart conversation about her difficult child. Your child should absolutely not be put through this torture.

Credit me with the insider knowledge of my own situation to have regarded it with some thought. Sometimes it's just not a goer...even though you really try.

Well if not wanting visitors with children that distress me and mine for seven hours on the trot, with no sign of it coming to an end makes me pig headed, then oink fucking oink.

I just reread my posts.

There was categorically no 'ramping up' of any emotion at all.

I was being perfectly reasonable and even polite to folks and even told Pictish she was admirable.

I said we are all just trying to bring up our kids is well as we can in agreement that the OP needs to think about her kid too.

All this 'fanjo give us a break' and talk about me giving guilt trips are justnot true.

I mentioned being about to face public with DD because I was dreading it, and it was a nightmare, I was literally shaking when I came home.
that's not me 'ramping it up' that's how it is. It means people thinking kids with SN are brats personally matters to me.

And that's how I can feel for the mum in the OP as well as the OP and her child.

I think people just read my name and start all this "SN brigade " and'thought police'nonsense without even seeing what I am saying.

I said many times I agree the OP can't put up with seven hours.

Yet I come home to still be told to 'give us a break'.

Ridiculous.

So please, no more nonsense about me telling people they aren't allowed to say stuff and giving guilt trips.

Because I just didn't. I think lying is the one with the grudge here and not moi

'Choosing my own child's emotional wellbeing, and control over our home environment, makes me narrow minded and bitter does it?'

You are not choosing that. You are choosing a life without effort or tolerance. Control over home environment and child's wellbeing can be maintained UNLESS you are narrow minded and bitter imo.

I'm not sure why Fanjo is getting so much grief for her posts on this thread?

I have had experiences with friend's and their dc's (both sn and nt) which have been difficult and upsetting for my dcs, but I have tried to talk to my friend's about it, and carry on seeing them, and we are still friend's now. I also try explaining to my dcs why another dc may be struggling. There are ways of dealing with this stuff without causing upset, and if the op really wants to just back away from the friendship, maybe that is for the best.

Like Fanjo, the posts on this thread that I have found a bit crap are the ones calling the mother ineffectual or nampy pamby, and her dd, dreadful.

Hazey..no, me neither, I actually went back and reread them expecting to see me being all unreasonable, but I thought it was clear I was trying to see both sides and be reasonable. Indeed I do see both sides, like you.

Maybe I was misinterpreted, or people prejudge what they think I am saying.

I am frustrated that there seems to be a tacit belief that any child behaving badly must have SN - that's simply not true.

I called my Fs child a brat (in the post upthread) and he had no SN, not then, nor when attacking the other child, nor, to my knowledge, now - some 5yrs later (and of course it can take years to diagnose but ime parents who suspect this are at least looking for a reason and there was no evidence of such in my F case but an awful lot of evidence of lax parenting and no boundaries)

Some times there are no special circumstances some time it is lazy parenting.

Of course talking to the friend is the first action but in many cases people do not want to discuss their parenting or the chances of SN. and it's ok to not hang out with them if they won't

None of the above means I, or anyone else on thread thinks your child is a brat, or that SN children are brats. Maybe, since you have asked that others consider it could be SN in the case of this thread, you could also consider that maybe is isn't. That's just as possible.

Indeed I think it clearly has been stated that while the child's behaviour is what is affecting the OPs child it is the mothers response, or lack thereof to that behaviour which is derailing the friendship.

None of the posts from parents talking about their SN children have seemed like parents who would do nothing in the face of a tantrum - whether to calm a child or reprimand them.

There isn't a tacit belief.

Ascribing tacit beliefs is dangerous and wrong.

I said many times that I thought given the behaviour there was a chance the child had SN.

Seven hours is an extreme meltdown.

I'm sure no one with experience of SN would think it is so easy to diagnose.

But we just feel the possibility should be considered.

Also I feel the mother is trying to calm her child, perhaps just not in the conventional way.

Which could be being ineffective, or it could be choosing a method which works for her SN or NT child

or rather child who could have SN or be NT..quite a mouthful

I just dislike assuming tacit beliefs, I think I get flamed lots as people assume I am tacitly believing something I am not,

I mean what is so flame worthy about saying ' a child who has a 7 hour meltdown MAY have autism'.

Don't get that

And then 'because the child MAY have autism, I personally wouldn't go calling them a dreadful brat'. While agreeing that obviously the situation in OP is untenable.

If that is wrong and flame worthy then bring it on cos I dont wanna bE right, frankly