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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

417 replies

roses2 · 04/05/2013 15:51

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

OP posts:
pointythings · 05/05/2013 16:14

Well, I always, always picked mine up. And they are secure, confident and as independent as all hell.

I was feeling sorry for you until your last post, OP. Now I'm firmly in the YABU camp. 4mo babies are incapable of being manipulative.

bouncysmiley · 05/05/2013 16:15

It's really tough being a new mum.Showers and chores etc just get done when someone else is there to look after baby or with the baby attached to you.Have you got a sling? This will allow baby the closeness and comfort he needs and give you two hands back! I sympathise I really do but I think you and your husband need to adjust your expectations. Don't give your mil a hard time. If you talk to her and tell her you are struggling I am sure she'll give you a hand with chores or watch him while you grab a shower.

Svrider · 05/05/2013 16:15

Attachment disorder OP
You might want to google it

NaturalBaby · 05/05/2013 16:16

I had a very clingy, demanding baby - showers where the worst but at meal times he sat in a booster chair at the table right next to me with toys on his tray and was very happy.
You're going to start weaning soon, and it's as much about the social aspect of sitting together to eat as the food.

Putting a 4month old in front of the t.v next door is a bit over the top, there are other options!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 05/05/2013 16:16

"it becomes impossible to put your child down cause they always want to be held."
I felt like that four months in, and to be fair I did have a very full on, cry-ey baby who only wanted to sleep on me for a while, and did want to be carried about everywhere. It was very hard work.
The thing is, I did also have totally undiagnosed PND (I know this now), and I much as I loved my ds, I felt like I was totally trapped, and like it was never going to end.
I think, had I not had PND , I would have been much more able to rationalise, and see that this was a short phase, and that It would be OK.
As it was, I struggled on, feeling like I was in Hell, and wishing I had one of those easy who occasionally slept when they were "supposed" to.
Feeling like that makes it very hard to just chill out, and enjoy your baby.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 05/05/2013 16:17

easy babies I mean

NaturalBaby · 05/05/2013 16:19

At lunch times when it was just me and my baby we used to have a lovely time - he would sit in his bouncy chair smiling at me and watch me eating or play with his toys.

CoolaSchmoola · 05/05/2013 16:40

After reading the OPs last post I retract my posts to her.

What you are describing is NOT parenting OP, it's neglect. As awful as it sound I hope you DO have PND - at least that way there is a treatable reason for your seriously odd ideas about the manipulative abilities of tiny babies, because if not I feel truly concerned about your ability to meet your child's emotional needs.

I am not in the slightest bit tree huggy, I don't really have much time for attachment parenting, but your last post was frankly scary. There is a wealth of research that states categorically how such behaviour damages a child.

PLEASE show your GP and HV your posts are because you are so very wrong and your actions now have an impact on the rest of someone else's life.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 05/05/2013 16:42

I hate it when babies are looked on as if they're an adversary to be defeated, rather than a small helpless creature that needs looking after.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 05/05/2013 16:46

DS3 (7 months) will stop crying as soon as DH or myself walk over to him and you know what, I am damn proud of that because it means he knows that we are there for him. He knows that he can expect comfort and security from his parents. I'd rather that than a baby who doesn't even bother crying because he knows his parents can't be bothered with him.

Patosshades · 05/05/2013 17:13

So this 4 month old child was able to sit at the table and not cry when the MIL went away for 3 whole weeks. How advanced is this child Confused

Pick up the baby when they cry for gods sake. Tel MIL you and your DH are not children either and can choose to eat dinner when it suits you both. So one or other of you can watch out for the child. This phase won't last forever.

Just for the record also, your 4 month old baby, 16 ish weeks on this earth, is most definitely not manipulating you for extra contraband hugs fgs.

LookingForwardToMarch · 05/05/2013 17:24

Claremp7

Op has sadly already stated in op that her dh supports her Shock

I was raging at the start of the thread but the last posy from the op is desperately sad.

I also hope that there is some kind of attatchment issue/ pnd that can be fixed.

The alternative...that the op and her dh truly are that deluded and selfish that they believe a four month old baby is out to manipulate them.

Poor boy.

whatamardarse · 05/05/2013 17:25

Wow 1st mil thread where I support mil!

I'm shocked that you think a 20 week old baby could be so wiley?
I'm sorry to say Op that its going to be a long time before you manage to have a peaceful lunch/dinner !

Pick that child up! I hate controlled crying! Find it awful when people let there dc cry out especially at that age Sad

whatamardarse · 05/05/2013 17:26

16 week I mean !

Lweji · 05/05/2013 17:29

OP, don't you sometimes need attention?
What would you do if every time you went to talk to someone, or rang them, they ignored you?
That's what you are doing to your baby if you only hold him to feed, or when you please.

Figgygal · 05/05/2013 17:35

Op your child is too young for cry it out and that's the end of it!!

ChunkyChicken · 05/05/2013 17:39

My DS is 25wo today. He rarely gets left to even start crying - I can tell when his grumpy noises are genuinely getting too much & he's about to cry. Sometimes it gets to me & I feel greatly under-pressure and wish I had 5mins to brush my hair/toilet/drink tea warm etc etc. However, I know that it will pass and, like my lovely, energetic, out-going 3yo DD, he will be less 'demanding' of me.

And sometimes, when he is grumbling to be held as the dinner hits the table, or when DD has a poo in tandem with DS, or when I just step in the shower & I hear him wake up, or when I just doze off for a brief nap & either of them wake up, I do feel like they are doing it deliberately. Just to spite me.

Then I give myself a virtual slap & get a grip. No young child, let alone a baby, is capable of being manipulative - not unless you have taught them that's the only way to get attention. No 4mo is ever crying just for attention - that is a NEED in their own right.

I would suggest that even advocates of CC/CIO etc would say a 4mo shouldn't be left like this. It's one thing to leave a baby for 5mins to cry whilst you finish a wee/shower/the last mouthful of food before you go to them, its quite another to actively plan to leave your baby in distress on a daily basis.

LookingForwardToMarch · 05/05/2013 17:41

Your wasting your time.

Read op's last post.

Does that sound like someone who had taken on board the fact that 200 odd people told her what she was doing is wrong?

SirBoobAlot · 05/05/2013 17:44

He's four fucking months old.

Pick up your fucking baby.

Jesus Christ.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 05/05/2013 17:59

He's 16 weeks old - of course you should pick him up when he cries? You wont be getting him into a 'bad habit' you will be teaching him that he can trust you to meet his needs.

jacks365 · 05/05/2013 18:07

Ok the op won't see it and won't care if she does but i've had so much advice about dd4 along the lines of not picking her up too often and that she'll end up spoilt etc from the attention but i ignored it and fed on demand and always pick up when she starts but now at 18months she is a happy independent toddler who loves to explore. She also goes to bed happily at 7pm and will play in her cot in a morning. What she has learnt is not to manipulate me but that if she needs me i'm here. Yes its hard for a bit but like others say she enjoyed her bouncy chair and i used a sling to get things done in the long term it is more than worth it.

I've parented all 4 the same, i'll never forget dd1's first day at nursery, she ran off to play and didn't even look back, that's a happy confident child.

MyShoofly · 05/05/2013 18:14

Not much of an open mind for learning eh OP Hmm...one wonders why you asked. YABU and seem a bit ignorant to boot.

themaltesecat · 05/05/2013 18:15

Poor kid.

Ashoething · 05/05/2013 18:17

Whether or not I agree with op on the baby being "manipulative"Hmm-I find all this nonsense about babies who are left to cry for 5 minutes having issues in later life a load of old bollocks.

Personally I think leaving very young dcs in a nursery with a bunch of strangers for 8 hours a day would probably stress them out more yet I bet there are loads of posters on this thread who do just that.

MyShoofly · 05/05/2013 18:19

Sad that some believe you can "molly-coddle" a baby