For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

[roses2]

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

Roses, good grief this thread took a terrible turn! Im truly shocked by what the middle pages said at times and relieved to see some tried to re-track it at last few pages .I sincerely hope you are ok today.

Perhaps repost in behaviour/development? Then it will be discussed in a rational helpful manner. Assuming u are not too terrified now.

Anyway, my thoughts are with you today. Hope the sunny weather helps cheer u up.

I remember how i once showered when my dds were little, out of desperation:

DD1, age 19 months, in a high chair in the bathroom with grapes and some crayons and paper, DD2, newborn, in a vibrating bouncer, also in the bathroom, both there with me showering with curtain drawn.
and I sang and spoke to them whilst showering.
I was desperate for a shower, dd1 was teething and dd2 had colic.
It was that or nothing.You've just got to work around your kids.

Blimey I never had to do that with my 3 under 15 months,bathroom waaaay too small anyway.

Little bit that babies can't be parted even for 10 or 15 minutes.

I used to give them all breakfast,change them and then put them in their cots with some toys. 9 times out of 10 they played happily if they didn't I 'd call out and they errrr had to wait.

Never had the need for mass showering.

Self. I tried lots of slings and none were very good,hate being velcroed to a baby 24/ 7 anyway.

Have to say I never had these juggling mealtimes,sorry just couldn't live like that.In order to look after babies I need sleep and decent mealtimes.

My 3 always went down after lunch for 2 hours when I then had my lunch,they were in bed at 7 on the dot,had dinner after.

Really wasn't a big deal,nobody has to be a martyr.

Op have a lovely day today,I lived with gparents for a while and it isn't easy.I'd seriously talk to her about moving dinner back so you can get him into bed.If she doesn't like it or the hollering she can hold him.

To all you people judging those who use a sort of crying it out method, we could just turn around and judge YOU in ways like saying "you're spoiling your child, you're just giving in". Shame on you for judging. It's not your place.

My DS gets cuddles and attention pretty much all day long other than 2-3 times a day for 20 minutes each time. He gets sung to, picked up and walked around, goes on his play mat, gets put in the BabyBjorn & goes on a 1 hour walk every single day.

Through practice and constant teaching is how they learn. My MIL went away for three weeks and during that time, DS sat happily at the kitchen table with us while we ate. We let him cry at the table for 2 days & after that, he stopped doing it. We chat to him throughout our meal. DS may be only 4 months old but he's no fool. Once MIL came back, he started his trick of crying again and stops as soon as he is picked up. And because MIL doesn't want to leave him for 1-2 days to get back into the routine of sitting at the table with us. Instead, she asked us to put him in the other room.

If you always pick up your child at the slightest cry they will learn very quickly that "I Cry, I get picked up". Then it becomes impossible to put your child down cause they always want to be held.

I think people who won't do it because it is "cruel" just can not man up and do the difficult thing. Crying it out is not an excuse to ignore a baby, it is a way to teach them to self soothe. I believe as long as you are checking on the baby every few minutes and making sure they are fed and changed then there is nothing wrong with this method, and no I don't feel guilty for my parenting choices.

Go ahead and judge me if I don't parent my DS the way that you would, but hey, it's my baby not yours. I don't see what I do as cruel at all. You can't molly coddle your baby 24/7.

At the end of the day every parent has a right to make their own decisions with their children, and what works for one child may not work for another. I don't think anyone on this forum has the right to say that any parent that lets their baby CIO is a bad parent. Parents do what works for them and if a parent chooses to use the CIO method because nothing else works than I say good for you.

I won't be posting on this thread again.

Roses I'm with you all the way,you sound very switched on.

Don't let it get you down,there are times when I think MN is not the best place to go for advice,this is one if them sadly. You won't always get a balanced view on here.

Have you got some RL friends you could talk to? Drop round for a cup of tea to offload.The vast majority I can guarantee will feel the same as you.

Fwiw I think you're doing a great job.The living with inlaws thing is hard,could you move?

I didn't want to teach my four month old that if he cries he gets ignored, because I am his mother and it my job to see to his needs.

They are little for such a short time. It's not such a hardship to eat a few minutes later for a couple of months is it?

FGS, a baby should know that if they cry they get picked up! How do you think they form secure relationships?

Leaving a baby to cry it out does not teach them to self-soothe - it teaches them that no one comes to help them. If you're happy to teach a tiny, helpless person that then fine.

How sad for your baby that he can't be molly coddled by his own mother. He's 4 months not 14.

I'm not one for molly coddling my DC but at 4 months old OP seems to have a strange belief that a 4 month old is in control and can manipulate, I worry what will happen to this child when he is 2 and really does try to get his own way. What will OP do then?

Is CIO reccomended by anyone for babies as young as 4 months?

I am pretty sure it isn't.

I did CC with mine at 10 months, but that is a lot older and CC is very different from CIO.

"Ds may be only four months old but he's no fool"

What an ignorant thing to say about your baby. You really think he's manipulating you, don't you?

Sorry OP. You sound utterly dreadful.
I feel very very sorry for your baby.
And next time, don't post on AIBU unless you are prepared to have people say YABU

If you are with your baby 24/7, feed them when they're hungry,change them when dirty,give them masses of cuddles,love and time sorry but the odd bit of waiting aint going to be neither here not there.

Secure relationships- pmsl at that one.

At 4 months old a baby can't be manipulative.

I think you should go and talk to your HV or doctor and get a professional opinion on the whole situation.

If you always pick up your child at the slightest cry they will learn very quickly that "I Cry, I get picked up". Then it becomes impossible to put your child down cause they always want to be held.

Is this your first baby?

Because it just doesn't work like that, as anyone with a child out of babyhood will tell you.

Yes Blueskies, secure relationships, attachments to carers that come from being responded to quickly and consistently.

OP, you sound like you dont like your MIL much or living with her. You are an adult, old enough to become a parent so move out and you can make your own rules to your hearts content.

Personally given a 4 month old cant talk, crying is the only way to get attention they need or want and the retreat method sounds awful. He's a tiny baby not an animal being trained.

Sorry. I'm the mother of 2 very secure,happy 9 year olds and a secure happy 8 year old and yes it can work exactly like that.

Rarely managed to pick any of mine up instantlyyup I think they look pretty secure.

Op ignore the harpies and enjoy the sun- it's gorgeous out there.

I dunno. You are living with your MIL, who sounds quite nice and caring tbh. You probably owe her the courtesy of not allowing your baby to cry. It's like hearing chalk on a blackboard. Your MIL is trying to enjoy her meals as well. You seem to have forgotten her rights in all this.

I mean you could do this 'leaving your baby to cry' schtick (which by the way I totally disagree with) if you lived in your own home. But you don't so you do have to compromise and take into account your hosts' feelings.

Sorry, hadn't read the whole thread and missed the part where the OP had stropped off.

There is a discussion to be had about controlled crying. I never did it and it is not difficult not to do it, IYSWIM. There is no issue about 'manning up' to a baby for goodness' sake.

Well OP, you sound confident in your own approach. It is your baby, but I'm amazed you think at 4 months he can try and trick you. He simply recognises that his parents don't respond to him when he cries and your MIL does.

In any case, I don't understand why on earth you posted here if you're so sure what you're doing is right. If I was your MIL I would be counting the days until you move out!

Sorry, but have to agree that this strikes me as selfish-those in the 'never did my kids any harm' camp sound as if there was no choice, sometimes other children or more pressing tasks need doing and baby may have to cry for a short time (I have 3, so know cuddling all the time is a luxury).

However, you're choosing to put your own needs (feeding yourself in a civilised and comfortable way, wanting a 'routine' for feeding, not wanting your son to get the upper hand) ahead of those of a baby, who isn't the enemy, but a part of the family who deserves to have his needs met before your own.

Now if you had no one to hold him I'd say that if course you need to have some food and may not have a choice, but you aren't in that position so suck it up and find a way of keeping baby content, thereby reducing the stress in the house for all concerned (including, most importantly for a breadtfeeding mom, yourself)

Thanks op

I was feeling bad about expressing myself in the wrong way as your op made me so angry.

But thanks sooo much for coming back on and validating my previous (deleted) opinion with your last post.

Shame on you for making out a four month old baby has the capacity to manipulate anyone.

You need to make an appointment with your gp and health visitor and say exactly what you just said in the op.

Maybe you will actually listen to them when they tell you YABU

( The hv will love the bit about sticking rigidly to a feeding routine when the poor mite is probably having a growth spurt)

I have to admit that I was feeling bad for the op until the last point! Surely CIO is a sleep training method to be used with care after 6 months, not just a method to teach a baby it won't be responded to? Honestly how hard is it to take turns holding baby or eat after baby is in bed? I honestly can't understand how you can enjoy a meal with your baby crying?

I never left my babies to cry. They are now 7 and 9. Neither are spoilt molly coddled or manipulative. Instead they know they are loved and are happy secure and thriving.

OP I suggest you read "Why Love Matters - How Affection Shapes A Baby's Brain" by Sue Gerhardt. Maybe science will help you rethink your parenting style.

Oh, dear OP. It's a good job you're not coming back because you'd need an even harder hat, not to mention a nuclear-style bunker for that last post. My DS was exactly the same as everyone else's at four months - couldn't be put down, and wasn't. By five months, when he was able to sit safely in a highchair, we had mealtimes back. But I don't know why I'm saying this, since you're not coming back.

Blueskies I think you got very lucky with babies that took so well to routine if they were all consistently able to go down for two hours after lunch then be in bed 'on the dot' as well. Those of us with Velcro babies can only dream!