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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

417 replies

roses2 · 04/05/2013 15:51

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

OP posts:
Shellington · 05/05/2013 12:22
Shock
  1. Fucking. Months. Old.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/babies-left-to-cry-can-suffer-brain-damage-warns-parenting-guru-1950702.html

Yes it's much discussed, we'll never know for sure and hey if at least one anecdotal mum says "I do it - you'll be fine " you'll no doubt feel justified Hmm but aside from that - no one, not a medic or university ANYwhere - will test theories such as this on babies under at least 6 months old. For a reason.

"A walk for one hour every day" - sounds very structured, ditto feeding schedule. More small red flags for depression - needing to control the minutiae of daily life for fear of losing things completely.

Think I'll follow you out the door of this rather hideous thread OP.

noblegiraffe · 05/05/2013 12:36

You sound like you've read some shitty parenting books that see a baby being a baby as bad instead of normal.

I don't believe that you 'taught' your baby to not cry over dinner and that your MIL spoilt it, rather that babies go through different stages of neediness (see the evidence-based Wonder Weeks) and when your MIL was away was an easy stage, and 4 months is a notoriously difficult stage. That's why she's now crying during dinner when she previously wasn't. You are simply ignoring her at a time when she needs you more.

noblegiraffe · 05/05/2013 12:38

Ignoring him, sorry, your baby is a boy not a girl.

Shellington · 05/05/2013 12:40

I believe it's spelled i-n-c-o-n-v-e-n-i-e-n-c-e, noble

MammaTJ · 05/05/2013 12:41

Anyone else reminded of the 'Miles is a quiet baby, he knows noone comes if he cries' NSPCC advert by the OPs last post?

This is such a sad thread.

Shellington · 05/05/2013 12:41

Shouldn't be here, bringing out the negative in me obviously!

LemonBreeland · 05/05/2013 12:43

It is complete and utter nonsense that if you pick your baby up every time they cry that you will end up with a baby you can't put down.

I feel sorry for your baby and sorry for your mil. I'm not someone who picks a baby up at the tiniest thing but I could not eat while my baby cried.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 05/05/2013 12:58

It is not healthy, normal or helpful to 'teach' a 4 month old baby to shut the fuck up by ignoring them. There is no value or purpose in it. It isn't a parenting method, it's just unkind. Retreat and return isn't even a thing. I googled it and nothing came up. And even if it was - why? Why retreat from your baby when he wants you? Madness.

Tailtwister · 05/05/2013 13:10

I agree Mamma this is a very sad thread. However, it is very heartening that the majority of posters don't think it's reasonable to leave a 4 month old to cry. It's just a shame that OP can't be persuaded the same.

LookingForwardToMarch · 05/05/2013 13:13

MammaTJ

I actually posted about that advert early in the thread. Definitely reminded me of Miles.

However I was v.angry and my posts were deleted because I expressed it (wrongly) and called the op an awful mother

quoteunquote · 05/05/2013 13:17

I won't be posting on this thread again.

That what I thought, because I realised after my first post, it's just a wind up, button pushing thread.

The sad thing is that someone might be stupid enough to copy the vile method.

so I hope the OP really thinks hard before doing it again.

LibertineLover · 05/05/2013 13:46

Unfortunately, I do think this thread is real, real and very sad, but not as uncommon as I'd hope, I've had a young Mum ask when it's OK to do CC with her baby barely 4 months Hmm

If you need to eat, get a sling, they are awesome for babies of that age, or take it in turns with Dh to hold him. or do what I did with my first and cut your food up before then have him on your lap!

It really is surviving at this age, but it honestly doesn't last long.
I take it this is your first baby? the time goes so quickly, don't regret how you treated him in his first precious months.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 05/05/2013 13:51

[mamma] I hate that advert!

MoominsYonisAreScary · 05/05/2013 13:52

mamma even

MoominsYonisAreScary · 05/05/2013 14:06

I've just read the ops last post, god that's sad.

I'm not someone who believes babies need to be attached to you at all times or that occasional crying causes brain damage but manipulative, really? He's a tiny baby, maybe he does want picking up for no other reason than attention so what he's a tiny baby. Give him the attention he wants and wait for your bloody dinner. It's only a few months out of your life

PeneloPeePitstop · 05/05/2013 14:13

Ok I feel my initial instincts on this were correct after that last post.
Crying techniques are for careful use after 6 months old. This baby is way too young.

And to feel that a 4 month old is 'no fool' and 'manipulative' - this OP needs professional help if she really believes this.

It might feel forever but really it's such a short time - a developmental phase. I'm concerned this need the OP has for control in this way is to mask a feeling in some other way she's not coping.

It's really sad.

Limelight · 05/05/2013 14:34

Your DC wants attention. You talk like that's a bad thing. Out of interest, what will happen in the long run of you give into your DC's need for attention?

But it's your call. I remember feeling like I was never going to be able to use two hands to eat my dinner again so I remember how annoying that can be. Your MIL wants to help though. Maybe you should let her.

Thingiebob · 05/05/2013 14:37

I don't think this is a windup post. When my dd was a baby I had plenty of people tell me the exact same stuff, inc my own mother and HV, about babies 'controlling you' and so on.

I also knew plenty of seemingly well adjusted and loving mums who used CIO and controlled crying at a v young age. One mum in particular who was happy to turn off the baby monitor at 12 weeks so she couldn't hear her DD and so didn't respond.

It happens.

Limelight · 05/05/2013 14:40

Just read back through the posts. Good grief. Lost cause. Going to play with my DC who are remarkably well adjusted, well behaved, and not even a little bit manipulative. Amazing when you consider I picked them up and gave them a cuddle when they cried as babies.

maddening · 05/05/2013 14:49

Of course you will be judged - everything you do throughout your entire life will be judged by people around you - mostly it is very passive and you won't notice.

When it comes to dc judgement comes from a more passionate place for most people - it is pretty much geared in to human society to do so as it benefits society to protect the young of that society.

You have made a decision to choose a more extreme parenting style - if you are happy with that choice then why worry about other's judgement? So yes - everyone has the right to form their opinion on your parenting style when you have posted it and you have the right to parent as you see fit - you are happy with your choice but it doesn't mean everyone will agree with it.

As for the mil situation - if it is her dictating this mealtime issue then she ibu but you can find a way to work around it. If she isn't though and it is your choice to let your dc cry for the entirety of the meal then you do need to appreciate that it is extreme to do so and may be hard for others to tolerate as it goes against instinct so her "judgement" is quite normal and her right as much as your parenting choice is yours.

It isn't pleasant to feel "judged" but that is life and we are judged at every turn.

OneFingerSjupesUpTheYoni · 05/05/2013 14:52

My boy at four months was on either my or dps lap. If it tskes '1-2 days to settle him to not crying at the table' surely it'll only take 1-2 days to settle him on your lap?

claremp7 · 05/05/2013 14:56

I'm going to get in to trouble but......
Do you even want to have a son? I'm wondering if your relationship with OH is obviously more important. Does he agree with your parenting methods. I hope to god not otherwise that poor poor baby will grow up in a terrible uncaring home. One heartless person in a house is enough.
Please read through these comments carefully. My first one was positive and some people have really been trying to help you but I can't hold my tongue after your last post.

Wishiwasanheiress · 05/05/2013 15:03

Hmm. I retract my earlier post and re point u back to my first, this is odd behaviour. Please post elsewhere for sensible help and see GP!

Sad sad thread :(

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 05/05/2013 15:46

Blueskies, I really didn't have any choice because my kid really couldn't cope being separated. If I put him down it would take him about an hour to calm down and there would be puking involved and it would be the kind of uncontrolled screaming like the worst thing ever (you know that scream right? the blood curdling one like something is desperately wrong) it wasn't just crying with this one. He couldn't nurse because he was so worked up. I also like my personal space and felt crowded but I really had no choice on this one. My older one was very hands off and loved sitting in a bouncy chair looking around, this one was different. This one was generally a very happy baby so long as he was in constant skin to skin contact.

He is now twelve and much more independent than his earlier independent older brother was at that age, so 'coddling' him has not held him back in that respect.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 05/05/2013 15:59

OP, teaching a baby to self soothe is a good thing, I agree. It just is a skill they should learn later. Right now the single most important skill a young baby needs to learn is "my parents will be there for me, no matter what, I can rely on them" then when the time comes to self-soothe they know that you are there for them and they will be fine AND IT WILL BE EASIER. One thing I've figured out over 18 years of parenting and 10 years of nannying is that if you wait for your child to want to do something it is way easier than you deciding it is time.

If you always pick up your child at the slightest cry they will learn very quickly that "I Cry, I get picked up". Then it becomes impossible to put your child down cause they always want to be held.

Oh honey, they won't always want to be held. You really have a very small window (although I'm sure it feels like forever right now) when they really want to be held. My baby is 17 and those years flew by. I know you are in the trenches right now but this time will go. Very soon your son will be a toddler trying to slide off your lap and run around while you try to cuddle him.