For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

[roses2]

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

So what is your mother in laws solution op? This is quite different to your op She sounds like hard work.

Roses do you think he might be teething? My babies have all wanted to be upright and jiggled when their mouths are sore.

unless your DC is crying due to over stimulation then yes you need to pick him up. If he is over tired then he needs to go to bed and not be up with you eating

well then your mil has created a conundrum! She doesn't want the baby picked up and doesn't want him crying I think the moving a nap time to dinner time is the only solution then - from you last 2 posts your mil sounds more unreasonable as she is creating a situation not working with your routine - but if she won't tweak dinner then you can tweak naptimes (by which time he'll be weaning and sitting with you at dinner :) )

blueberries - fair enough you don't like slings it was only a suggestion op is asking for advice/support and to suggest a sling isn't outlandish. Op doesn't like slings all is good :)

blueberries - blueskies

Just my tuppence worth OP as I have an 8 week old and have been struggling these past couple of days... Shower, I put her in bouncy chair and take her into the bathroom, if she cries I sing songs in the shower and get out as fast as is reasonable. Meals, we eat in relays holding her. Cooking, I do what I can before DH gets home while baby sleeps even though she is not a massive sleeper, we have had some ropey dinners but have still eaten, he does the rest of the cooking when he gets in. Cleaning has gone up the wall a bit, I am v v lucky to have a DM who cleans whenever she visits.

It is tough beyond belief but I am reliably informed it will get better and I couldn't leave her to cry, she is so little and I assume she just needs something when she cries. My job is to try to work it out and provide it for her, even if (especially if!!) it is 'just' a cuddle.

Rhonda I had two prem babies and although they were fed on a schedule, it was to make sure they didn't go too long between feeds. If they wanted feeding more often they were.

OP I think you've probably got the drift that leaving him to cry isn't good. I get the feeling that if you were in your own home, doing your own meals things would be a LOT different. I also think that your first and second posts were automatically defensive because you feel like you can't do anything right in the eyes of your MIL - unfortunately this didn't become clear to many posters until your later posts explained things more.

I appreciate that your LO seems to want to be walked around to quiet him, but perhaps it's because looking at things distracts him from his hunger?

I know that may sound a little out there, but my DD was a cluster feeder, particularly during growth spurts (and four months is a big one). She would stick like glue to a four hour routine all day but come the evening it was every hour between six and ten.

I had no idea at all about cluster feeding and thought that because she was happy on four hourly feeds all day she was just fractious/colicky/overtired. DH and I would walk miles around the floor - and it helped in that she took short breaks from screaming to look at things.

But once I heard about cluster feeding and tried it - what a change! NO more evening screaming. Yes I was feeding for twenty minutes every hour, but that left me forty minutes to eat, shower, whatever. As an added bonus she slept through from the first night of cluster feeding, probably because she had told me she wanted to eat til she was full, and I'd finally got the message.

I have my own little pocket of parental guilt for all those nights I walked about with her, starving her, but she's fine. We ALL have one for something we got wrong or didn't understand. But we get there.

As for your MIL wanting you all to sit down as a family. Sounds like SHE needs a lesson on baby's needs coming first, because frankly, with a four month old in the house she should appreciate that family mealtimes can't happen, and that no one should give a shiny shite about all sitting down together.

Sounds like in this respect she is putting HER wants over your baby's needs.

That said no one would be able to stop me going to DD if she was crying, so rather than following what your MIL wants do what your baby needs.

Which I very much suspect is what you actually want to do. (itchy trigger finger!)

Pretty much everything what coola said, OP.

I hope you find the strength to parent the way you would like to, despite your difficult situation.

And major credit to you for coming back on this thread, I suspect a lot of posters on here (self included) will be eating their words having read your clarifications.

op your mil can't have it both ways, either you all eat together and he cries or you take it in turns to hold the baby. Ask her what she prefers and do that. I think you do need to consider her feelings as it is her house! I can't believe your dh told her off, how rude.

Do what you think is best the rest of the time though.

For what it's worth looking back I didn't let my dc cry and I think I was a little obsessive about it. If I have another I hope I would be able to cope with a bit if crying as I don't think it is the end of the world.

Have you got a swing mine loved that. Also if his neck support is good maybe a jolly jumper?

Mine only liked prams if they were moving so maybe that is the problem.

Leaving baby to cry isn't really workable surely?
There is no way I could eat listening to a baby, any baby, cry let alone my own.

I think you need to stand up to MIL.
Let her make dinner if she wants to - but she can't force you to eat it when she wants you to. If your baby needs your attention, leave the meal plated up in the kitchen. Come back to it when YOU and your baby are ready. Or take it in turns with your DH.

But don't let MIL dictate to you. Get your DH to speak to her, tell her how things are going to be, and then both of you act on it. Yes,, MIL may whinge initially but with time it will be the norm so she will just have to get used to it.

My two both seemed to want a feed just as dinner was on the table, they smell the food. I just fed while eating one handed or DH and I took turns. At 4 months mine both went through growth spurts and cluster fed in the evening, it was a difficult time.

I can't relax when a baby is crying either, it would put me off my food.

If your mil doesn't want him crying then either you have him at the table, you take turns to eat with your DH, she has to help and pick him up or you don't eat together.

What happens if you feed baby just before dinner time? If baby is full and has a clean nappy, might be less inclined to cry? Or if rather than a pushchair a baby bouncer with some toys baby can bat at? This was a lifesaver for us.

I would imagine that dinner being ready does not come as a surprise, you can use the time while MIL is cooking to feed and change baby?

Next mealtime you have I'd put your portion to one side to be heated up later. (Take turns with dh to do this). Then one of you can deal with the baby while the other one eats.

I really recommend trying to encourage your baby to sleep before you eat if at all possible. If mil is insisting meal times are at a difficult time for you then suggest that from now on you will sort meals for you and dh, then you can eat when it is more convenient.

'Think about the generations who were left down the bottom if the garden in a pram. Are they all in counselling now? '

a lot of them seem to be, yes

and others that aren't blooming well ought to be

We used to call our first baby 'destroyer of lunches'! Whenever we were out for lunch I carefully timed his sleep/feeds so he would be asleep. As soon as our food touched the table his he would wake up, guaranteed! I think babies have a sixth sense as to when they might not be getting 100% of your attention, asleep or not.

You've have a rough time on this thread OP. It is very frustrating when you can't even seem to meet your basic needs (eating, washing, toilet) without interruption. The only way we survived was to eat in relay.

Roses2, if it is clear all he wants is attention then I wod give him
attention. Attention is a valid a important need for a baby. They need attention as much as they need food and nappy changes and sleep.

Your situation with MIL sounds awful and has perhaps forced you into this way of treating your child. Can you or your husband not insist that you will buy your own food and prepare your own meals as and when suits you and your baby? Maybe as a compromise you could all have Sunday lunch together.

I hope things improve for you all.

Op i think you have had a hard time on here and not going to add to all the other comments but a 4mo doesnt understand retreat and return so i would forget about that.

You or dh needs to tell mil you Dont need to do family meals you need to help/tend to ds so if there are 3/4 of you there 1 of u eats later simple.

If ds genuinely needs constant moving around to look at things at that age i have much sympathies for you that would have been v frustrating what about a swing rather than chair? Play mat? Light projector?

OP
My DD was a bit like this - if I sat down she cried and stopped as soon as I stood up. Bloody annoying.

I ate one handed, standing up at the kitchen counter.

OP I had one like that two, yeah for a while around that time DH and I took it in turn, standing up and swaying with DS in a sling and the other one eating, then switch off. I ate lunch at the kitchen counter also, finger foods. My other kid was never like that, just different personalities. My velcro baby (that I swear I held for two years without putting down) is now 12 and is very affectionate and caring. I have a cold right now and he has brought me ice water and offered to give me a foot massage and will make me snacks and all sorts of caring things. So it made it worthwhile in the end :) It is nice to have a cuddly one now they are older.

Oh and even now the smell of food makes him hungry which is good because he has a tendency to be somewhat picky (not by many standards, but by comparison to my husband and other son) and hunger stops this.

I know it is frustrating but it really will pass, soon enough he will be sitting in a highchair and you will be eating with one hand and picking up food and rinsing it and handing it back with the other. My crying at dinner times kid was happy as larry at the table once he got solids.

Oh and the lady who said slings hurt her neck, it may be you are wearing it wrong, it shouldn't be any where near your neck.

OP what do you do at home then, away from ILs. And do you do other things in life 'by a book' or trust your instincts?
Like Clovering & Flogging et al I think your tone does come across somewhat detached / depressed. The MIL situation is harder to judge but if she really is demanding either a baby-free dinner or a non-crying baby then she is BU - not sure what solution she is suggesting - or why your H isn't either setting her straight or taking baby while you eat (then you, vice versa).

As an aside, I have no clue how you check for 'pain' in a 4 m/old that's part of their mysticism isn't it "guess what my cry/whinge is today" - lasts them well into toddlerhood!

OP in your last post you said...'I'd rather have him him crying at the table but MIL comments are so upsetting'. I am so disappointed you have not listened to anyone on this thread. It is YOU banishing your baby to the other room. I think over 200 people have told you very clearly YABU but yet you still defend your actions and blame your mother in law.
She shouldn't have to listen to him crying.
He shouldn't be left to cry.
PICK HIM UP!
I hope a good nights sleep has left you more able to see these very plain facts.

Roses - your MIL can tell you when the food is ready, but you are an adult, you can say "this isn't a good time for me, I'll reheat mine later." and just not come to the table and eat it.

I think if your baby stops crying when you pick him up and cuddle him just pick him up and cuddle him. If you've tried everything e.g. Checked if he's too hot/cold, tired, hungry, cuddled etc., and he's still crying then I don't think taking 10 minutes to eat should do any harm. But, I wouldn't do this every day. If it was happening every day, I would do as other posters have suggested and take turns to cuddle your DS so you can all eat.

If your mil wants you all to sit down and eat dinner at the same time and be at the table with a 4 month old she's being a bit unrealistic IMO. One of you needs to be holding the baby, and if the mil doesn't like it then tough. A baby's needs come first in this situation.