For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

[roses2]

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

[QuintessentialOHara]

roses2 I rarely see a new mum who insist they know better than mothers of several kids, yet you come across as both inflexible, cold hearted and ignorant.

I feel for your baby! They are too young to be molly coddled, or left to cry. You are creating a clingy, insecure baby, and in turn a rod for your own back!

[maddening]

Ashoe - I don't think anyone is suggesting that 5mins is an issue but rather longer periods

[tabulahrasa]

Ashoething - To be fair, I think there's a massive difference between having to leave a baby to cry for a few minutes because life gets in the way and consciously deciding to routinely leave a baby crying because you want it to learn that you won't comfort it!

[IsThatTrue]

ashoe I think that the reason people are objecting (mainly) is planning to leave a very small baby to cry.

My DS is 21 weeks (3rd baby) sometimes he can't have what he wants/needs immediately, but that doesn't mean I plan not to even try.

Tiny babies need cuddles. They are not manipulative little creatures who need breaking! :(

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Its not 5 minutes while the op is busy finishing doing something else.

It's 20 mins

Just so that the op can have a relaxed meal listening to a baby scream.

I think the issue is more op's attitude.

[AmandaPayneAteTooMuchChocolate]

Oh, what a sad thread.

Just to be clear, controlled crying/retreat and return/cry it out are not training techniques for a baby's behaviour during the day. They are sleep training techniques.

If you only waited a couple of months, your baby may well be happy to gum a breadstick whilst you eat. Or get him to bed earlier. Intentionally leaving a baby to cry to teach them they don't get what they want is soooo far beyond their comprehension.

[PearlyWhites]

He probably was crying for attention which is just as important as hunger to a four month old. You should leave a young baby to cry because you want to eat.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

I don't think leaving a baby to cry for 5 mins will damage them.

I don't know if leaving the baby to cry for 20 mins every day so I can eat my dinner in peace will damage them but I think it's fucking cruel

[RooneyMara]

The fact that he stopped crying when you picked him up, doesn't mean he's a manipulative little so and so who is trying to 'trick' you.

It means he has got what he needs.

Babies this age don't have 'wants', only needs. He needs you to pick him up. He does not understand the concept of manipulation, or tricks.

What on earth would he gain from this?

every child deserve s and needs attention. Attention seeking, as a bad thing, comes about when a child doesn't have enough attention given to them as a rule, so tries to manipulate people into giving them attention by acting up.

If you deny a baby their natural amount of attention then you are going to turn them into exactly what you are trying to avoid.

It's true - there was research done that showed that babies who are comforted quickly in the first six months of their lives, cry LESS than those who are ignored in the first six months.

Whoever told you all this stuff about babies is clearly very old fashioned in their thinking, very uneducated and you've believed it all unquestioningly.

I am very sorry for your little boy. He must be really bloody confused. You're setting him up as an adversary already. Shouldn't you be on the same team?

[RooneyMara]

sorry, cry less in the second 6 months than those who don't get the necessary response from their caregiver.

a baby who knows its needs will be met will not cry so much, as one who is afraid its parents won't come. It knows that it will have to escalate if it wants a response iyswim, so does so much more readily than one who only has to say, 'excuse me...ahem..a little help here' and someone comes to help.

In short you get a more secure, independent baby if you respond quickly to it when it cries in the first few months.

[RooneyMara]

sorry again, the baby who is not confident it will get a response, will escalate quicker than one who knows a little cry will achieve a result.

trying to type with, erm, baby on lap!

[Blueskiesandbuttercups]

Erm hate to burst your bubbles but op gives attention all day bar periods of 20 minutes 2 or 3 times a day. She didn't say he was crying all that time but that bar 20 minutes 2 or 3 times a day he was held,given attention etc.

Sounds more than normal to me,not sure I read the law "thou shalt carry and coo at your baby 24/7".

Oh and cc rocks.It may not be your way but it is the way for many,many mothers.I couldn't leave my baby in nursery however one size doesn't fit all.

Babies and mothers differ- live with it.

[LibertineLover]

CC rocks??? for a 4 month old?

[lucamom]

I couldn't leave my baby in nursery either, but those who do have no choice as they have to go to work-this mother chooses to impose her very bizarre and potentially damaging ideas onto her child. She has an opportunity to see she is wrong, but has clearly flounced off with her fingers in her ears...

[Blueskiesandbuttercups]

What giving her baby attention all day bar a couple of 20 minute sessios.

[midori1999]

This thread is so upsetting. I thought Mothers who thought their babies were manipulating them were something of the past now and that we were more educated these days.

As for 'CC rocks', who for? I doubt the baby.... plus, CC is a sleep training technique, whether you agree with it or not, it's not something to use to 'train' your baby during the day and it's not recommended for very young babies and it appears the OP has been treating her baby like this for some time.

[catgirl1976]

cc rocks

It certainly worked for us when DS was 10 months.

But what the OP is doing is not CC.

CC is for sleep training. Not the middle of the day or mealtimes.

CC does not involve just leaving your baby to cry. That's CIO, which is different.

CC is a short term thing, lasting a couple of nights. What the OP is doing is every meal time (by the sounds of it)

CC is not recommended for babies under 6 months old.

(And I do leave my baby in a nursery 2 days a week and have done since he was 5 months old.)

[greenformica]

Does the baby really need to be left to cry? It's only 4 months (not a toddler) and wants to be held. Why don't you all just take it in turns holding the baby so everyone can get their needs met - adults with food and baby with cuddles. Why don't you listen to what your baby is trying to tell you? There is plenty of time to train him to sit nicely at a table when he is older, I think it's crazy that you are pushing quiet sitting now. I'm not surprised your MIL finds it distressing - maybe she could be the one to hold baby and socialise with it while you and DH eat?

[lucamom]

From her op and responses it's clear that she isn't thinking " this us my only chance to eat, baby will just have to cry for 5 mind whilst I wolf this food down, it's the first chance I've had all day" (we've all been there). This op has made a choice to train her child out of it's natural instincts, as the baby is trying to get one over her and win affection, which must be stopped through this method of controlled crying (which is actually a misnomer, it's simply crying)

[Blueskiesandbuttercups]

Erm babies need sleep in the day.I and the vast maj of my friends did 3 or 4 days tops of cc (actually a bit of a misnomer as there is very little crying involved when you follow a routine a la Gina).

Most babies I know need 2 or 3 hours of sleep a day.Mine were miserable and cranky until they started getting it.

Sorry last I heard routines are still very popular.There is no "we", parents parent differently.

[catgirl1976]

But the OP isn't using CC to get her baby to sleep either in the day or at night.

She isn't using CC at all.

[Blueskiesandbuttercups]

Didn't say she was.

From her posts it's clear she gives her baby masses of attention all day bar a couple of 20 minutes when I guess she's shovelling food into herself.He cries for a few minutes and stops.

Being his mother she can differentiate between grizzling and a scream due to tiredness,illness etc.

Nt child abuse,not neglect but a knackered mum grabbing some food so no cause for hysteria or mass judging.

[catgirl1976]

I just don't understand why you keep talking about CC though when the thread is not about that

[Sirzy]

To me its the idea that a 4 month old can be manipulative and needs training to realise that they are being ignored which I struggle with.

[Blueskiesandbuttercups]

I was responding to others which mentioned it.