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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be angry at a nanny 'friend' who told me I should leave my job..........

324 replies

Mummyoftwoangels · 30/04/2013 14:39

just because I told her I didn't want to feed her youngest charge her bottle this morning?! She was 'busy' texting her boss!!

My reasoning being, I lost my own babies just over a year ago, and struggle at times with dealing with young babies! The children I look after are 3 and 6 so not babies!!

She said I should be able to help out others or I'm not doing my job properly! She knows the history of what I have been through, but insisted that I should think about changing my career Sad

If I seriously thought I wasn't doing my job properly, I would leave! AIBU to be really angry, and sad at her criticism?!

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 03/05/2013 09:45

Okay Mummy, your partner has done such a number on you, hasn't he?

The reaction of the two nannies today is the appropriate normal reaction of anybody hearing your story. I am so sad that you feel like they are somehow special, as that tells so much about what you've experienced in the past.

If you can't talk to a real life friend, could you try phoning Samaritans?

I don't know if this is something that the Women's Aid helpline could support you with - other wise MNers will know. But I wondered if you had tried their survivors forum?

Please save all the texts/messages and what you have posted on this thread, so that you have it all set out when you feel ready to approach Police.

Sadly, I doubt very much that this woman will get over losing her career by Monday.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 03/05/2013 09:56

Please keep all the texts and messages. If I were your boss I would want to know. If this woman is going to do something stupid (which I doubt - she sounds like she has a big gob) it could impact on your charges

The police could nip this in the bud easily for you.

The woman is deluded - it isn't anything you have said that led to her job loss - she did it all herself.

Shellywelly1973 · 03/05/2013 10:07

I read your other thread earlier in the week & recognised your name.

Just want to say, take care of yourself. Your an amazingly strong women. Enjoy your weekend away. x

megandraper · 03/05/2013 11:06

OP, please at least tell your boss about the messages. If you were my nanny I would very much want to know. And she sounds like she has been very supportive.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 03/05/2013 11:19

After reading a few of your replies, I realise that I owe it to my boss, and the safety of her children to tell her about the messages and threats Sad I've sent her a text asking her to call when she is able! I'm still hoping that she might agree not to involve the police, and wait til next week and see if things calm down!!

I hate this ex nanny for what she has said and done, but I'm not sure I want to see her get in trouble with the police! I feel guilty enough about her losing her job! But also think that the children deserve better than her! It's all such a big mess Sad Can't help thinking that I just attract trouble Sad I'm so fed up! Xx

OP posts:
EverybodysStressyEyed · 03/05/2013 11:30

You have nothing to feel guilty about. None of this is your fault.

She said what she said and put it in writing and a voicemail!

Her behaviour is not normal and she will continue like this. She is a bully.

breatheslowly · 03/05/2013 12:46

You have a responsibility to call the police. I know it may not seem it, but even for her it is the least worse option now.

helenthemadex · 03/05/2013 13:20

she is really vile, I'm sure your boss will want you to go to the police and will back you up

Its good to know that the other nannies have been supportive, keep remembering that you are a good person who has had bad things happen to her

alittlebitcountry · 03/05/2013 13:27

Mummy, you are handling this horrible situation really well, I'm glad to see you've decided to share the latest threats and bullying and not carry it as a burden alone.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 03/05/2013 13:56

Update...... Spoke to my boss, she was absolutely fuming Sad I know she's not angry at me, but I feel awful for causing all this hassle! Wish I had never told the other nanny, any of this. Sad

Anyway, a nanny friend of mine has agreed to pick my two up from school and I am off to the police station now! My boss offered to come, but after receiving more texts and voicemails, I think I would rather TRY and deal with this on my own Sad

So now to pluck up the courage to go! Feels so bloody stupid and childish Sad I don't get how refusing to feed her baby charge, has led to this Sad starting to think this is more to do with her thinking that what happened to my babies, was my fault and she has now found a way to punish me!

I thought I had finally got past my feelings and fear, of being alone! But today I have jumped at the silliest little sounds Sad it's like I'm waiting for my partner to reappear and hurt me Sad

Anyway I should stop putting this off and go TRY and get this crap sorted Sad

Thanks for reading and offering such sensible, kind and thoughtful responses!
Xxxx

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 03/05/2013 14:46

Mummy you are doing so well in a horrible, horrible situation.

Well done on deciding to go to the Police - it's definitely the right thing to do now, as your reaction's today are telling you she's made credible threats against you Sad.

Great if you want to go by yourself, and also great if you ask your boss to go with you. So long as the Police get the info they need to caution the other nanny, it doesn't matter who you take with you to help you get through it.

Sending big hugs your way.

Hopasholic · 03/05/2013 14:59

Once again I am gobsmacked at her behaviour!

You have not done anything wrong here. She does not deserve to work with children and you've actually done her employers a favour, honestly you have.

I don't understand how bloody vile some people can be. Hope it went ok with the police.

RawShark · 03/05/2013 15:13

Didn't want to lurk and not post. Thoughts are with you op. you have done nothing wrong please take all the support others and your employers are offering

shewhowines · 03/05/2013 15:28

Keep talking to your boss.

The other Nannies feel the same as we all do. You might get closer to them as the upside of this mess. Don't lose trust in people. Everyone here and the Nannies, think she is the utterly horrible person. If anything, this should increase your trust in the general niceness of the majority of the population. You have just been unlucky.

cornflakegirl · 03/05/2013 15:34

Well done for going to the police - I could completely understand your desire to not relive your previous experience, but I'm glad you've found the strength to do it. I hope it's not too horrible and that they can offer you some real reassurance.

megandraper · 03/05/2013 15:51

I came back to the thread to check on you - so glad you have told your boss and are going to the police. You are handling all this in the best possible way.

Don't let any feelings of guilt creep in. None of this is your fault. And she doesn't think the death of your babies was your fault, she is just a manipulative person who is using it as a way to hurt you.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 03/05/2013 16:07

Shock holy crap!

this is not your fault at all! she is being manipulative, abusive, controling, threatening and damn right bloody vile. its HER fault she has lost her job. she should not be working anywhere near children imo

even ive shed a few tears after reading your posts... and believe me when i say i am so not a cryer. i am so sorry for all that you have been through, and going through now. you shouldnt have to deal with this shit on top of everything else.

i am so glad you have a suportive employer. she clearly thinks highly of you and thinks you're doing a wonderful job. and its clear that you love what you do. dont let one spiteful bitch ruin all that. you are worth so much more than you think. and if the other nannies treat you like shit, because of what you've been through... then they arent worth the time of day either!

so glad you have gone to the police. its not easy but you know deep down that it was the right decision.

i wish i could give you a proper hug and some real flowers... but you'll have to settle for virtual ones instead

Thanks + ((((((hug)))))) and ill throw in a Brew too xx

Groovee · 03/05/2013 16:13

Keep talking to your boss and let her support you. She understands and cares about what you are going through and she is offering because she doesn't want to loose you. Let us know how you get on with the police. xxx

orangepudding · 03/05/2013 16:29

You sound like a lovely nanny and your boss sounds very supportive.

I hope all went well at the police station and you can move on from the pain the awful woman has caused you.

The message she sent to the other nannys will reflect negatively on her not you.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 03/05/2013 17:44

Hi all,

Just got back from the police station! It was TOUGH really tough! It brought back ALOT of memories and feelings! Think I was only inside for 2 minutes before I burst into tears! Thankfully the female officer was amazing, and very gentle!! She let me explain things at my own pace! She listened to the voicemails, and told me that they were threatening, and that I wasn't overreacting! An officer would be sent to speak to the ex nanny!

I explained I was away this weekend and she said if I had anymore contact from the ex nanny, then I should call them, and keep the messages until I come back on Monday evening! But they think a firm talk from officers in uniform, is normally enough to scare the shit out of cowards like this! (her words not mine)

Not sure how I am going to cope with the weekend now! It's like a whole bottle of emotions have been shook up and poured out Sad it's made me realise that maybe I haven't dealt with my feelings on everything in the past yet! But I haven't really had time! It's been one thing after another!!

This woman has made me think that telling people what really happened with my partner is just stupid Sad maybe I should of left it un talked about?! But my counsellor said it would be good to talk! Good to see that people won't judge me! But also that people will help and support me?? Clearly my ex friend wasn't the right choice!!

I'm a bit angry with myself, because I have a couple of people who have been really supportive, via text, email and the occasional get together. But since this started, I have sort of cut myself off from them Sad when they ask how I am doing I just say okay! Clearly I'm not okay Sad I'm hoping that once this is sorted, then I can trust them again!! I hope so because, they are the only people who have kept me going through the last 15months Sad

Okay think I have bored you enough! Thankyou to all of you that offered support, advice and hugs! I really appreciate all your kind words! Wish I had come on here months ago!!

Xxxxxxx

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 03/05/2013 17:49

Well done mummy, and thank you for letting us know how you're getting on.

I've no idea why you felt moved to confide in this woman, while cutting off a couple of other people who you have identified as really supportive. But you've spotted that now, and when you're ready you can open up communications with them.

Be gentle with yourself this weekend, and hoping you feel more settled soon.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 03/05/2013 17:56

IsItMeOr I confided in her because she was a nanny I saw regularly, and the people I had already confided in, via text, email etc suggested that maybe I should share my story with some of the friends I am in regular contact with!!

I didn't know she was going to turn on me like this!! Like I said BIG mistake xx

OP posts:
ladymariner · 03/05/2013 18:06

Back to check on how you are mummy and am absolutely horrified by what that wicked woman has put you through but also full of admiration for you and how you're dealing with it. You may not feel like it at the moment but you're being incredibly strong, you really are, you're facing stuff and dealing with it and I think you're doing brilliantly.

She turned out to be a horrible piece of work but don't let her put you off making friends with people, one bad apple and all that.....xxxxx

IsItMeOr · 03/05/2013 18:10

Sorry - I just re-read my last post and can see it looks critical. What I meant was that with my cod-psychology hat on I suspect that you might potentially have been attracted to her personality for some of the reasons why your were attracted to your ex-partner. But I'm no expert, so I was trying to say that there might have been unconscious reasons why you opened up to her. I didn't mean to ask you to justify yourself!

I honestly don't think you could have ever seen this one coming - she's just way beyond the realms of normal. You didn't make a mistake, you were terribly unlucky.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 03/05/2013 18:27

IsItMeOr it's fine I didn't take it as a criticism I was just trying to explain why I told her!!

It's been over 15 months and I have only confided the whole story to 3 people!! She was the forth person, but she only had part of the story, thank goodness!

I'm trying to stop crying and pull myself together, so I can leave to get my train Sad I'm failing dismally! I'm not sure I can be bothered to go! But then staying here alone, isn't very appealing either!

Right time for a Brew then I must go! Hope you all have a wonderful long weekend! I might be back on at some point, if I need to off load! Sorry xxx

OP posts: