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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at a nanny 'friend' who told me I should leave my job..........

324 replies

Mummyoftwoangels · 30/04/2013 14:39

just because I told her I didn't want to feed her youngest charge her bottle this morning?! She was 'busy' texting her boss!!

My reasoning being, I lost my own babies just over a year ago, and struggle at times with dealing with young babies! The children I look after are 3 and 6 so not babies!!

She said I should be able to help out others or I'm not doing my job properly! She knows the history of what I have been through, but insisted that I should think about changing my career Sad

If I seriously thought I wasn't doing my job properly, I would leave! AIBU to be really angry, and sad at her criticism?!

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 30/04/2013 22:30

Well done OP, stand up for yourself.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 30/04/2013 22:39

Hhhhhmmmmmmmm Hmm not sure about the standing up for myself! I sent a text with a few choice words, language that I wouldn't usually use!

Then I spent the following hour crying, and feeling bloody useless! I am so angry at myself for letting her get to me! I know deep down that I haven't done anything wrong! BUT just feel so pathetic for not being able to feed the baby Sad I thought I was dealing quite well with the loss of my girls, but days like this! And stupid comments like this, make me question myself!!

I think I'm more pissed off, because she knows my history and she knows what a difficult time I have had! I thought she was a friend, but clearly I was wrong Sad

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 30/04/2013 23:18

She was clearly back of the queue when they were handing out the empathy Hmm. Assuming she's sincere, she seems to think she's helping...

Sorry it's hitting you so hard. You know what they say - you have the feelings you have.

It's a shame that it sounds like you can't block her off completely as you need to see her in a work capacity.

Could you say something like "I appreciate you want to help, but you're not. How you can help is by not asking me to look after [baby]."?

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 30/04/2013 23:18

Nasty woman. I suspect she wouldn't 'be over it' if the same had happened to her, but some people can't deal with grief or tragedy and want it to be smaller and minimized and sanitized.

Can you avoid seeing her?

Hissy · 30/04/2013 23:22

Sweety ((((HUG))))) I think I remember hearing your story.

YA NEVER GOING TO BE U, Ever.

I can't imagine what you have been through. I wish I knew you personally, cos I'd give her a FLIPPING big piece of my mind, and more hugs for you.

Tell her Hissy said to Fuck off and when she gets there to FUCK OFF some more, and then some more, just to be certain that she HAS fucked off.

IntheFrame · 30/04/2013 23:26

Mnmm does she have a point? As a nanny I know you want to be with children or not, they don't come in government prescribed age groups.

I think it illustrates how upset you are about your losing your children and I don't blame you.

I think you do need a break - it's got to be pretty horrid looking after someone else's children when yours are gone.

Is their something else you you would consider?

MammaTJ · 30/04/2013 23:29

The fact that you are still standing to me means you are doing very well after losing your babies. So sorry for your loss.

It is not your job to look after her charges while she texts. It is certainly not for you to be together enough to do that after what you have been through either.

YANBU!!

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 30/04/2013 23:32

I can't really avoid seeing her, as the 3 year olds aren't quite ready for playdates on their own! Plus I don't think I would trust her with my charge on her own!!!

I'm sure we will work things out! I honestly don't think she understands how I feel, and how hard it is just being around her baby charge Sad I love my job, and I wouldn't ever want to do anything else.....BUT.... I do have days when I am around young children at toddler groups etc, where my heart just breaks Sad because I should be there with my own girls! I'm doing my best to not let losing them destroy my life! But sometimes people say the most hurtful things, and I feel like I have gone backwards Sad

OP posts:
IntheFrame · 30/04/2013 23:41

Being a nanny isn't just a job ... it's looking after someone else's most precious thing in the world.

I don't know that someone who has lost so much is best placed to do this. How cruel to have someone who lost her children, look after children whilst the parents do something "more necessary" like work. Sorry but I think the Op needs a different perspective.

Could the Op not work somewhere less familiar. Maybe help children who have lost their parents in the third world so that she is with people who understand misery.

IntheFrame · 30/04/2013 23:47

sorry Mummyoftwoangels didn't know you were still up. I can't imagine how tough this is for you .
But having worked as a nanny I know the challenges you face. There are lots of children that really need you. I'd change jobs to something that helped really underprivileged children rather than the one's you imagine could have been yours.

ladymariner · 30/04/2013 23:49

I think the op understands misery, unfortunately, and I also think most normal people understand misery too.....they also understand that some situations are harder to deal with than others and so wouldn't put their friend in them. intheframe I can't decide whether you are being deliberately obtuse or trying to be inflammatory but I would suggest you read the ops posts again.....she deals with her loss in her own way, she is doing so incredibly well and she usually avoids situations which put her in close contact with babies. And you suggest she should go off to the third world........Hmm
Op, I think you are dealing with this amazingly well, I don't know how you put one foot in front of the other at times but you do, and not only that but you do it whilst holding down a job which you obviously ar very good at. I would keep your distance from this other nanny for now, she obviously has no concept of empathy.

ChippingInLovesSpring · 30/04/2013 23:49

InTheFrame - what are you on about? Really? You have no idea what you are talking about. The only thing you have said that was accurate was I don't know and clearly you don't so really...

Mummoftwoangels - you couldn't make it up :( She has no fucking idea and it is HER that is BU, certainly not you :( She doesn't have a clue does she?? You don't have to make dates for the 3 year olds to play, there are other children your charge can play with and if the parents want the friendship to continue they can organise things at the weekends, you do not have to put yourself through spending more time with this insensitive, stupid cow :( Really you don't.

MysteriousHamster · 30/04/2013 23:49

I don't think you're helping, IntheFrame - you're suggesting that not only has OP lost her children, but she should lose the job she loves to.

If she wants to move on that is up to her, but why should she have to look for a job with 'people who understand misery'! Do you realise how bizarre that sounds? You are rubbing it in.

OP, you have been through an awful lot and your 'friend' was cruel. She is just lashing out at you because she knows she is in the wrong.

ChippingInLovesSpring · 30/04/2013 23:50

InTheFrame - she has a job that suits her fine, with slightly older children - the OP is fine & happy in HER job, it's the bloody stupid 'friend' that's making her unhappy.

MysteriousHamster · 30/04/2013 23:51

Intheframe your last post is even weirder and crueler. Step away - OP has asked for support, not for you to put words in her mouth. She hasn't said anything about imaging her charges are hers, only that she wishes her girls are with her, which is completely fair enough. You are making up nonsense now, hurting someone who is grieving.

Bunson · 30/04/2013 23:51

Stop thinking about the girls and move on? Wow. She sounds nice. I think you're making too many allowances for her, it doesn't exactly take a massive empathetic leap to appreciate your position.

IntheFrame · 01/05/2013 00:05

Seriously ..surely loosing your own children and then being a nanny is mental torture.

I am not saying the Op isn't doing a good job, coping well etc etc. but at the end of the day she is looking after other peoples children that will grow up whilst hers won't. Do you know how grim that reality is?

The reason I suggested the third world is because there are many schemes that help people worse off than the OP. She might take comfort knowing her babies weren't born into something worse.She could really help other peoples children survive/be educated rather than just entertained till their parents come home.

ChippingInLovesSpring · 01/05/2013 00:10

InTheFrame - just step away from the keyboard, for everyone's sake.

IntheFrame · 01/05/2013 00:12

Fine whatever. Not sure how many of you have been nannies. Let me assure you it's tough. Other peoples parenting , Children you love but can't be "involved" with - none of it's just a job guys .

I don't know the Op but she posted on here which means she isn't happy. I don't know what she wanted but I don't think a round of "ignore your friend" helps any more than get the heck out.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 01/05/2013 00:13

IntheFrame, I really don't understand what you are getting at? But feel free to explain!

I was in know way saying I couldn't do my job, or that I believe that the children I look after are mine! I have been nannying for over 20years and I do it to the best of my ability, and I love my job!

Yes I have found the last 16months tough, but delivering twins at almost 20weeks. After being beaten by my abusive partner, was difficult to deal with!

But at no point have I let my private life affect my job! I might be hurting on the inside, but when I am with my charges they get 100% of the love and care that they deserve! Yes today I failed at giving a baby her bottle! BUT it wasn't one of my charges!! So I don't think you can say that it's impacting on MY job!!

Yes I have days when I feel miserable, doesn't everyone! But I keep smiling, because that's what nanny's do!

Thank you to everyone else for their kind and supportive words! Xx

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/05/2013 00:34

InTheFrame, I hope to god that you are ridiculously young, and that in time you will gain the insight that the rest of us have through maturity.

MammaTJ · 01/05/2013 06:25

Intheframe. she did not lose her babies then find a job as a nanny, she had been doing the job for a long time, then lost her babies, then continued in the job she loved.

I somehow managed to understand that before the OP spelt it out. Why did you assume she chose the job after her loss?

Twattybollocks · 01/05/2013 06:34

So 1 year on from losing your own babies she said you should stop with the drama because you couldn't bring yourself to feed a baby? Bloody hell what a horrible woman. You would not be unreasonable if it was 10 years, 15 or 50, I don't think anyone ever truly gets over losing a child, let alone 2. You learn to live with it as best you can, and if that means not feeding a baby, then so be it.
So sorry for your loss :0(

milkymocha · 01/05/2013 07:00

Your 'friend' is a waste of space.
Ditch her!

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 01/05/2013 07:11

I don't know the Op but she posted on here which means she isn't happy. I don't know what she wanted but I don't think a round of "ignore your friend" helps any more than get the heck out.

IntheFrame... Your above comment had me thinking all night! Firstly at no point during my post did I say I was unhappy in my job! As I keep saying I love my job! If you didn't find nannying rewarding, then maybe it wasn't the profession for you!

Yesterday I wrote this post, because I was worried that what my friend had said was true! I was doubting myself, and questioning whether, I was able to do my job properly! My one promise to myself and my employers, was that if I felt I couldn't do my job properly then I would discuss leaving, with them!

I'm not sure of your circumstances, whether you have or have had children, whether you have lost children! But clearly you missed the entire point about my post, which was I needed a little reassurance that I hadn't done anything wrong, by NOT giving someone else's charge her bottle!

You sound like the friend involved! Maybe if you looked at the bigger picture, you might see how horrible your replies were! The fact you apologised at one point, because you didn't think I was still awake?? What difference did that make? Surely when you reply on a post, you reply knowing the the OP is going to read it at some point!

I have been through ALOT over the last 10years, so when you talk about helping people that live in misery, I wouldn't be the right person to do that! Because my last 10years have been full of misery! The only thing that kept me going through all that was, the fact I loved getting up each morning to go to work! I was doing the job I loved, and while at work I forgot about all the other shit going on!

I was thinking about sharing my full story with the people on Mumsnet, but it's people like you that would stop me doing that! I know everyone has an opinion, but I do think it's possible to be empathetic and understand when someone is genuinely looking for a little support and not an attack on what they have said!

I again thank all the other posters, who were able to share their support and understanding with me! I am very grateful.

Apologies for the long winded post! But needed to get that off my chest! Xx

OP posts: