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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at a nanny 'friend' who told me I should leave my job..........

324 replies

Mummyoftwoangels · 30/04/2013 14:39

just because I told her I didn't want to feed her youngest charge her bottle this morning?! She was 'busy' texting her boss!!

My reasoning being, I lost my own babies just over a year ago, and struggle at times with dealing with young babies! The children I look after are 3 and 6 so not babies!!

She said I should be able to help out others or I'm not doing my job properly! She knows the history of what I have been through, but insisted that I should think about changing my career Sad

If I seriously thought I wasn't doing my job properly, I would leave! AIBU to be really angry, and sad at her criticism?!

OP posts:
TheChaoGoesMu · 01/05/2013 07:19

Crikey, intotheframe. Maybe you should lay of the alcohol next time. What a weird and cruel post. I can only assume you must be drunk, because your logic is very off kilter.

Groovee · 01/05/2013 08:42

I think you need to speak to your boss with regards of your "friend" to make her aware of the situation.

Your charges are older so you don't need to deal with babies or feed them and your friend needs to prioritise when she texts people and not getting other nanny's to do her job for her.

Much love to you as it must be truly hard but even harder to say no to someone in a situation like that.

And no you don't need to leave your job and you have every right to be angry. As for Intotheframe Confused

IsItMeOr · 01/05/2013 08:45

Agreed OP, Intheframe does sound like your friend. Unfortunately there is more than one person working as a nanny who lack what I would regard as a basic requirement for caring for another human being - empathy.

You sound like you are approaching your work very sensibly and have a good communication going with your employers. I suspect that whatever you did in life, you would see children everywhere that would remind you of your loss. That's the nature of grief, isn't it?

Big hugs and maybe try to avoid your "friend" for a few days at least.

IsItMeOr · 01/05/2013 08:49

Good idea from Groovee re speaking to boss.

Reminds me of things in my own office-based workplace. The ethos is supposed to be supportive of people. In practice, you get managers who will support their staff through inevitable ups and downs in their personal lives and - thankfully rarely - other managers who will use any dip in performance as a trigger to move them on or out, making a difficult situation even more traumatic.

seriouscakeeater · 01/05/2013 09:12

So sorry for your loss Flowers
She should look after her own charges
Maybe I would look for an alternate career if I couldn't work around small children and I was a nanny. Many hugs x

GingerBlondecat · 01/05/2013 09:22

(((((((((soft Heartfelt HUGS))))))))))) FlowersBrew

I have nothing but admiration for you sweetpea.

LemonsLimes · 01/05/2013 10:58

Telling me that it's been over a year and maybe it's times to stop with the drama What a vile thing to say. I would ditch her over that.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 01/05/2013 13:40

Thanks for the kind words.

I spoke to my boss this morning, and she was VERY angry about what my 'friend' said! She reassured me that I am doing a good job, and that if I wasn't she would be the first to tell me!

As for my 'friend' she text this morning to see if I had calmed down!!!!Shock Also could I now see that she was just trying to point out that, maybe I should face my fears head on! I replied that I will work things through in my own time, and until then she would have to do her own job, instead of expecting others to do it!!

OP posts:
Groovee · 01/05/2013 16:31

Glad your boss is understanding. As for your friend... has she replied to your reply to her "have you calmed down?"

shewhowines · 01/05/2013 17:26

If, even now, she still can't see what she said/is still saying is not appreciated or appropriate, then she is never going to change and be "friend material".

You deal with her as a particularly unpleasant work colleague and let what comes out her mouth wash right over you. You can be civil and polite to this woman when you meet her and exchange small talk, but that is all.

Don't let what 2 people say - the "friend" and intheframe over ride what everyone else on mumsnet say. Don't doubt yourself and us.

Hopasholic · 01/05/2013 17:46

So sorry for your loss OP Flowers
I think the so called friend probably thought you'd be a soft touch and do her job for her. When you said 'no' (and rightly so) she tried to deflect by blaming you.
You have done nothing wrong here, you don't have to explain yourself to her or anyone else for that matter.
A polite but firm 'no, I'd rather not, thank you' if ever it should arise with anyone else.
Under the circumstances you're doing a fantastic job and you should be proud of yourself.

thebody · 01/05/2013 17:57

Your friend sounds a nasty insensitive cow who I wouldn't want in a million years around my children. Unbelievable.

Op you obviously love your job and are great at it.

I am in awe of your courage and ability to still help care for children and families in the wake of your dreadful losses.

Hugs to you. I am crying typing this.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 01/05/2013 19:04

What lovely supportive people, the majority of you are Wink I wish I had come on here with my story months ago!!

So this afternoon things hit rock bottom Sad

My so called friend decided that she would share the full details of how I lost my girls, with a whole group of nannies via email Sad I discovered this at 5 o'clock this afternoon, when a friend outside school, took me to one side and showed me! Blush I have never felt so embarrassed, shocked and angry!! I held it together, until my boss walked in tonight, then I burst into tears Sad NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!!

She has now told me that she wants her children to have nothing more to do with this nanny, and she will be speaking to the other family tonight! I didn't want her to speak to them, but like she said. This nanny is in a position of trust, and sending spiteful emails is not something a professional nanny, or a decent human being, should be doing!!

I'm currently sat here in tears, wishing none of this had happened Sad I didn't want a whole group of nannies, who work in the area, knowing ALL the details Sad it took me a long time to trust and share my story with anyone. But clearly I was a really bad judge of character! Why would anyone do such a horrible spiteful thing Sad I feel enough guilt over not leaving my partner, before this happened! I don't need her adding to it SadAngry

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 01/05/2013 19:08

Oh yay for you telling your boss, and yay for her having exactly the right supportive response. Not a surprise to hear she thinks you're doing a great job.

And double yay for your spot on response to "friend"'s latest text. I'm in awe of your handling of her.

Oblomov · 01/05/2013 19:27

so very sorry to see your latest post. Hope your boss has very strong words with the family.
So very sorry for you.

thebody · 01/05/2013 19:33

If any decent person received an email like this they would,

A...be extremely sad for you and supportive.

B wonder what the hell sort if bitch could send something like this and be shocked.

Let your boss deal with it. You have nothing to be embarrassed about she had shown her true colours

But of if course it's dreadful that your private life has been treated this way.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 01/05/2013 19:38

Oh OP, how awful for you, what an incredibly nasty spiteful woman this person is. I can't say exactly what she is because it would be extremely rude... But basically, how fucking dare she! She deliberately tried to force you to feel and act the way she wanted - err weird and controlling, and THEN got getting her own way she does the most hurtful thing she could think of. OMG who would do that?

Not your fault for sharing with her, not at all, you can't anticipate this type of behaviour from her, because it's weird and unreasonable.

Xxx

ipswichwitch · 01/05/2013 20:06

Oh no, I can't believe she's done this to you. How bloody awful. I am so glad that your boss has been so supportive (and she clearly thinks you do a wonderful job).
There is no time limit on grief, and how dare she suggest that. We lost one of our twin boys at 34 weeks, 18 months ago and I still have good days and bad. It sounds like you are coping admirably, an there is no reason why you should have to give up your job. Give up your "friend" instead. For what it's worth, I'll bet the other nannies will be calling her worse than shite for being so spiteful.
((((Hugs)))))

Groovee · 01/05/2013 20:09

Shock what a nasty vindictive person she is. That is NOTHING to do with her. I'm so glad your boss is on your side. Other nannies will hopefully see her for what she is and her card will be marked work wise!!!

chipmonkey · 01/05/2013 20:10

MummyofTwo, I get exactly where you are coming from. And InTheFrame, you are totally clueless!

I lost my dd 18 months ago. I am fine around other peoples children for the most part. I find little girls the age my dd should be a bit difficult. I am not a nanny, but if I were, I would avoid work with this age group. But, that's fine. There are lots of children who need minding and you do have a say over who you work with. Little boys don't bother me as much, possibly because I have four boys of my own who are all thankfully still alive.

Your friend doesn't get that you don't ever truly move on. How could you? They are your babies. You don't get over them. Time does soften the pain but it's not like losing your elderly grandmother, you have lost part of your future so the loss is always there.

Your boss has done the right thing and she sounds lovely. I would block this "friend's" number and cut contact, some people are just not really friends.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoangels · 01/05/2013 21:10

Quick update

My boss spoke to the other family! They were apparently disgusted by the email, my boss sent her a copy, someone else who now knows everything Sad She apologised on behalf of have nanny, and said she would be having a serious chat with her tomorrow!

I feel really bad that she is going to be getting in trouble! But what she did was so cruel! I've always kept my private life, private! Now I feel it's all so public and it hurts! I think the worse thing is, I trusted her! I trusted her with my inner most thoughts and feelings! Not easy when you have spent 10years being afraid to tell anyone anything Sad Now I feel like I won't be able to trust anyone again Sad

It's not just the fact she sent the email, but what she said! She was always so supportive to my face, but clearly from what she wrote! She believed it was all my fault Sad I know I should of left HIM before he had chance to hurt my unborn babies! But I thought he had changed, he was happy about the pregnancy Sad I had no where to go and no one to go to! So I stayed hoping and praying, that the man I loved would reappear and not the monster he had turned into Sad

I have spent months trying to persuade myself that it wasn't all my fault Sad and that people wouldn't judge me if they knew the truth!! In one stupid email she has me back thinking that I should of done more to protect them Sad I am so angry at her and angry at myself for ever telling her Sad

Sorry moan over xx

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 01/05/2013 21:20

Oh, MummyofTwoAngels, you poor, poor love! You have been so badly let down by this person, how dare she! But all anyone will feel for you will be sympathy, no right thinking person will respect her for what she has done.
And I'm sorry you have been through so much.xxxx

Rosduk · 01/05/2013 21:33

I lost my 2 hr old newborn son last nov born by emcs at 27 weeks. People really don't understand what we go through. I will say that it's been 6 months for me and I get a lot of people thinking I should be 'over' it by now. My own mil told me I shouldnt visit the grave as it was only a pregnancy I lost, not a child I knew!

I have learnt to take these comments with a pinch of salt as if i didnt it would really get me down. I will also say that 2 of my best friends were pregnant, one baby was born a week before my due date the other a month afterwards, it hurt, it still hurts to see these babies, to hold these babies, but i do it, even though I have to force myself and each time it gets slightly easier. The pain will never go away, just lessen with time.
I hope so anyway :)

Cherriesarered · 01/05/2013 21:37

Oh that is vile! She is vile! I wouldn't be surprised if everyone else thinks so to! Sadly in life some people are vile! There are a million lovely people out here though and I am sure people reading this will be sending you nothing but virtual hugs and sympathy! You can't change what people do or what this girl has done but no one is judging you for any if this!

Groovee · 01/05/2013 22:01

This is not your fault! Keep saying that to yourself as it wasn't. You sound like a lovely person and having your private life talked about in this way is not kind and hopefully the others will see that.

Much much love to you. I think the support from both your bosses is showing you have done nothing wrong at all. xxx