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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that good friend did not ask me to be maid of honor?

259 replies

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 29/04/2013 17:56

One of my best friends is getting married next year, on a girls night out she mentioned that she will picking bridesmaids and maid of honor in the next few weeks, we have been good friends for 7 years and I thought I would be included, but at the end of the day its her wedding and she can do what she wants.

On facebook I saw a few of her friends were delighted to be chosen for either a bridesmaid or maid of honor, did not really give it much thought other than oh well.

Saw friend today who wanted to explain why I wasn't included, she said although I was her best friend and wanted me to be maid of honor she asked another friend as they are slim and would look better on the photo's. :( I was ok with not being included, but wish she had not explained her reasons why. Feeling really hurt.

OP posts:
letseatgrandma · 30/04/2013 14:34

I would have to ask her to explain the pressure she is under to you. If she thinks that once you hear this, you will understand-I'd need to hear it!

Does she think she is the first person to ever get married!?

glastocat · 30/04/2013 14:51

I would need to hear her reasons too, just before I told her to fuck off to the far side of fuck. What an utter bitch!

elQuintoConyo · 30/04/2013 14:54

....Really?

Vodabitch!

Go to the wedding. Wear something atrocious. Be loud. Dance badly. Photobomb all night.

Ok, don't do that. Thinking it is good

I'd decline the invite and move on. There dorsn't have to be a huge aguement - as a pp said, maybe it's the DM's influence, or even the sister's. In which case, I still wouldn't want such a flaky friend.

Poor you.
Run for the hills!

Squitten · 30/04/2013 14:56

I'd love to know what terrible pressures she's under to make her treat her own friends like shit. I do hope she explains herself!

Just remember OP that, despite all this fuss and nastiness, this wedding will only be one day. She will have to come back and face everyone that she pisses off over all this and she will quickly learn that it is not worth it. I think your DH has the right idea - get booking a holiday!

shewhowines · 30/04/2013 15:00

Have a lovely holiday in June and well done to Dh for supporting you.

She will have to explain to her husband to be why his best friend won't be there and if she wants you to change your mind she's got a lot of sincere making up to do.

aldiwhore · 30/04/2013 15:00

Oh FFS if she wants more symmetrical photos she needs imagination and a decent photographer, then no one will look out of place...

I had a tall Bridesmaid, a short bridesmaid and my sister... if we'd been lined up (as if about to be shot, and there's nothing romantic in that) the photos would have been dull.

Your 'best friend' has been incredibly shallow and insensitive. I am not sure I could be friends with someone who thought that way, no matter how sweet, I would find it very difficult to hide my utter disdain.

Whatever you do, do not start thinking it's your fault, you could be slimmer, but she'll always be a bitch. You are lovely as you are if you smile, and I don't need some crappy photo to know that, it's a universal fact. Flip this hurt and turn it into fierce pride in yourself, how DARE she make you feel so horrible?!

If she'd never told you the reason then meh... at least she had a heart. She could have suggested you be mate of honour, wearing different clothes so that symmetry wouldn't matter so much (not that it bloody does) she could have made you feel special, wanted, loved and appreciated. She chose not to because she's a small minded silly little girl who puts uniformity above friendship.

She is, sweety, a twat. Put yourself out there and gather nice people. x

shewhowines · 30/04/2013 15:02

Sorry not his best friend.

aldiwhore · 30/04/2013 15:07

I am sorry for ranting.

Actually I'm not.

Even if she IS being pressured by some weird force, she needs to grow a spine.

arabesque · 30/04/2013 16:22

You would have to be seriously shallow to exclude your best friend from being bridesmaid on the basis of their size.
And you would have to be very seriously thick to actually tell them that's the reason.

Grrrrrrr, don't invite her to your next party. When she wants to know why just tell her that she's your best friend and all that but she's so shallow and thick she would seriously unbalance the depth and intelligence of the occasion.

Seriously, she sounds awful.

bleedingheart · 30/04/2013 16:24

I hope her in-laws are thin or is she going to hire actors to play them? What a tool!
Your photos are meant to be a record of the day, memories of a great time with people who are special.
Basically she is more concerned about who will look better blown up on some god awful 7ft canvas.
Let's hope the skinny bridesmaids aren't prettier than her!
YANBU

DontmindifIdo · 30/04/2013 16:36

oh yes, definately tell everyone you know mutually that she told you she wanted you to be a bridesmaid but that you're too fat and would ruin the photos. You'll get lots of "what!!!????!!" responses from others at the school gate particularly. Smile sadly and say "oh, it's ok, it's her big day afterall. I just didn't think i was that big..." (let your voice trail off).

That will get round like wildfire. Perhaps a little public shaming will make her see what she said/did was outrageous.

As for complaining about the "pressure" - she's old enough to have school aged DCs, so she's old enough to tell her mother and sister to wind their necks in and chose her own bridesmaids - if she's done this for a quiet life from them, she's saying that offending you and not having the wedding she wants is far better than upsetting them. Basically, anyone else's feelings can be sacrificed so long as she doesn't have to deal with other people's stress.

TheMNeffect · 30/04/2013 16:46

I'm wondering if your friend is my SIL. She is definitely the type to pull this kind of crap. And she is marrying june next year.

I had 5 good friends as bridesmaids. They ranged from a size 8 to 26 and in somewhere in the middle myself. It never even occurred to me to ask people according to their size! Shock

And my photos are amazing, I love the group shots the best as it happens Smile.

Dozer · 30/04/2013 17:13
Shock
poozlepants · 30/04/2013 17:36

With all this stress maybe she'll start comfort eating , blow up like a balloon and where will she be then with no fat bridesmaids to fall back on.

foslady · 30/04/2013 18:20

I'd love to know if husband to be knows that she's pulled this stunt on one of her now ex close mates - if my exh had pulled s stunt like that I would never have married him in the 1st place

Original poster
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 30/04/2013 18:28

Well a little bit of an update, a friend popped in for coffee before school (mutual friend) I told her what happened and she pulled a face, she was honest and said the last time they spoke b/f was saying that her sister has moaning about me being in the bridal party and did not want to spend any time with me ( long story here we used to work together before kids got on ok ish till the new guy started work and we both had a crush on him, the new guy just happens to now be dh, I did not know she licked him until ages after we started going out)

So I imagine her sister has put a lot of pressure on her, but tbh I can not be bothered with it all, your right she should be able to assert herself and say what she wants, but she has always been easily let.

Just puzzled why she had to tell me I was excluded from the wedding party by mentioning my weight rather than coming up with a non personal excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 30/04/2013 18:30

Sure her fiancee knows nothing about it, funny thing is he is overweight !!

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 30/04/2013 18:36

Admiring your handling of this grrrrrrrr

Her sister needs to get over herself - if your DH was into her, well he wouldn't be your DH would he. What a ridiculous reason for her to fall out with you.

And the bride needs to get a grip. What age is she that she's letting her sister choose her friends?

Please don't let bride make it up to you, she has behaved terribly and your self-respect should not allow you to make her feel anything other than awful about it.

Stay strong!

DontmindifIdo · 30/04/2013 18:37

Well, you have been told by the bride it's because of your weight, so that's what I'd be telling everyone. Let them judge her (and most will). She might not actually be that shallow, it might be because her sister doesn't like you and she's prioritised family over friends, but she didn't then have to insult you in her explaination.

Actually, most people would understand that if her sister was refusing to be a bridesmaid if you were too so she felt she had to invite sister and not you, but that's not what she's said. Obviously the fact she mentioned the 'symetrical' thing means that she was aware of it being "a problem". And you have every right to tell everyone what she said to you. Quite frankly she deserves a little public humilition for this...

SweepTheHalls · 30/04/2013 18:40

I got ditched from being a bridesmaid as I got pregnant. Gutted.

foslady · 30/04/2013 18:53

Hope she's overweight too, it'd bugger the symmetry otherwise Grin.

If she's backing down to her sister already, can you imagine what a nightmare she'll become - 'If I don't get those shoes/dress/hair style/make up......well,not only has she lost a good friend she's also made a rod for her own back.

Enjoy your holiday!

PuggyMum · 30/04/2013 18:53

Even though the consensus is you've dodged a bullet here I know it will all be very upsetting and hearing this other friends' take on it the plot really does thicken.

I do think this is game over for the friendship. Whether it be weight or the sister. I would be tempted to let the bride try to explain herself for the sake of wanting to make it look like I was giving her a chance but I can't think of any plausible reason as to how I could see a way forward.

Your DH sounds lovely.

PenguinBear · 30/04/2013 18:54

That is dreadful, well done for being so mature about it all :)

TheRealFellatio · 30/04/2013 18:58

Shock God Lord, is that for real? I can accept that she might have thought it, but to actually say it? Shock

Is this a wind-up? Because if not then she is no best friend of yours, whatever she might say.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 30/04/2013 18:59

The only way of making this right is for the bride to apologise profusely for having been led to make a stupid decision by her sister, and to ask for you to be her BM or MOH. That really is the only acceptable outcome, if you are truly her best friend. It would be one thing to be an acquaintance, or one of a large group of equal friends, etc, but it's clear by her constant need to 'explain' that the bride knows she should have had you in her party.

Her sister is a cah but the bride needs a spine. Perhaps there's one of those on her wedding list. :)