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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that good friend did not ask me to be maid of honor?

259 replies

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 29/04/2013 17:56

One of my best friends is getting married next year, on a girls night out she mentioned that she will picking bridesmaids and maid of honor in the next few weeks, we have been good friends for 7 years and I thought I would be included, but at the end of the day its her wedding and she can do what she wants.

On facebook I saw a few of her friends were delighted to be chosen for either a bridesmaid or maid of honor, did not really give it much thought other than oh well.

Saw friend today who wanted to explain why I wasn't included, she said although I was her best friend and wanted me to be maid of honor she asked another friend as they are slim and would look better on the photo's. :( I was ok with not being included, but wish she had not explained her reasons why. Feeling really hurt.

OP posts:
HappyHippyChick · 29/04/2013 22:40

That's outrageous

What a douche she is, not someone you need in your life. When I was bridesmaid for my best friend, not only was I a size 18/20 but was also 8 months pregnant! My friend had a v gorgeous, flattering dress made for me the same colour (but totally different style) to her other bridesmaid, and I looked fab!

scarlettsmummy2 · 29/04/2013 22:53

Is she having your son doing anything in the wedding? Page boy? Just ask as I am being a bridesmaid next month, and although I am delighted it does feel a little weird as I am married with three children! I think I would have been equally happy for my daughter to be a flower girl! Also, some of the older generation are funny about married women being bridesmaids? I heard that a lot when I got married in relation to who I chose from my mother and aunts.

olivertheoctopus · 29/04/2013 23:02

This is a joke right? No-one would say stuff like that, no matter how Bridezilla-y

MortifiedAdams · 29/04/2013 23:12

I would have to speak to her.

"DF, whilst it is perfectly acceptable that you pick whoever you want to be your MOH or BMs, the fact that you are discounting me on my appearance is totally shitty. Good luck for your wedding, sorry im just not able to be a part of it".

GreenEggsAndNichts · 29/04/2013 23:33

If you say something to her, I wouldn't even bring up the weight thing. I'd concentrate on the fact that she's left you, supposedly a close friend of hers, out of a very important life event for her.

"Cowzilla, I'm sorry if I seem quiet lately, but I'm afraid I must've assumed we were closer friends than we really are."

Are the other bridesmaids in your friend group? The only other time I've heard of this happening (was it a thread on here?), one of the BMs who was picked found out that one of their very close friends had been left out, specifically because of her weight. She declined to be BM, along with another BM who found out the same.

I can't imagine being this woman's BM if I knew she'd left out one of our friends just because of her weight.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 30/04/2013 00:18

That was a very nasty thing to say. Sad

I am not sure I would even want to go to the wedding but if I did I would get her a crap present, maybe this or this

ApocalypseThen · 30/04/2013 07:39

I was going to say the same as GreenEggs - don't make comments about your weight or symmetry. That looks as petty as she is, and I'd personally want to show her how a decent and dignified person behaves.

In any event, it's a poor show from her, inexcusable, really. I think I would regretfully decline any future invitations and be chilly with her. Your weight matters more than friendship to her, her spectacular rudeness, stupidity and vanity should really disqualify her as a friend to you.

X-Factor bridesmaids. She should be ashamed of herself.

I'm planning my wedding right now, and even in the thick of it there is no excuse for her behaviour. And I think if you consider it, this kind of thing might have come up before.

ButtonBoo · 30/04/2013 07:40

YABU - mine did! :-(

Original poster
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 30/04/2013 08:03

Well I have had a good sleep and dh has said guess which week next year we will be taking our annual holiday.

I thought she was out of order, but seeing all of you (bar one) think ianbu I feel so much better and have my head held high, not looking forward to the school run, but not dreading it either. I imagine she will be all smiles and over the top.

No DS is not being a pageboy, but she did mention dd being a bridesmaid ages ago.

OP posts:
Areyoumadorisitme · 30/04/2013 08:10

YANBU - it was really shallow of her and hurtful to you. A good friend means a lot more than 'symmetrical' photos.

Good luck this morning, keep your dignity. Smile

Roopoo · 30/04/2013 08:43

YANBU
She sounds awful. I would ditch her and her nasty ways.

FreedomOfTheTess · 30/04/2013 08:56

Good morning OP.

I agree with your DH - that week next June is the perfect time to take your family holiday.

I was thinking about this after I logged off last night, and the more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

When I got married, I asked my three best friends from my school days, plus a close friend I had made at university. (Plus my sister of course). One of my best friends has a disability, it affects how she walks and her posture, caused by a curved spine. It never entered my head not to ask her to be my bridesmaid. However, I got quite the shock when my friend from university said, "I'm surprised you asked Hilda* to be BM, aren't you worried about the photos, with how she'll look in a dress what with her spine like it is."

  • Not her real name obviously!

Said university friend was dropped there and then, not just as a BM, but also as a friend. No time for shallow people in my life.

Good luck OP.

mrsjay · 30/04/2013 09:03

Well I have had a good sleep and dh has said guess which week next year we will be taking our annual holiday.

good and I wouldn't even entertaining telling her till the invites come out, do you see her at school I would ignore or be civil to her and if she mentions your dd be flower girl I would ask oh i dont know are you sure she is pretty enough ( i am sure she is) .

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/04/2013 09:14

Op - that is bloody awful behavior, you HAVE to pull her up about it.

You are not big, you are the size of the average UK woman and even if you were, so bloody what, you are her "friend"!!

I am shocked people like this exist......I just can't believe the bare faced cheek of her. Good on your DH for deciding you will be away for her wedding.

Seriously though, you need to tell her how much she has hurt you!

letseatgrandma · 30/04/2013 09:34

Is she even vaguely embarrassed by having said this to you!?!

AnonYonimousBird · 30/04/2013 09:40

OP - please update us if you have seen her in person!

I am Shock - this lady isn't really your friend. Sorry for you on both counts. Doesn't matter how controlling her mother is, it's down to her!!

GreenEggsAndNichts · 30/04/2013 10:05

Your DH is lovely. Make sure it's a special holiday. :)

I was the biggest BM (well, I was MOH) for my best friends wedding. Not by a whole lot, I'd be guessing but I was probably a dress size larger than her sister (I was a UK 14/16). More importantly, I was also the tallest by a couple of inches. Grin Her SIL was a wee slip of a thing, petite and slim. Her two sisters were two different sizes. The pictures looked amazing.

No sane person gives a damn about symmetry in wedding photos. You should be able to look back on them and say "aw yes there I am with my best friends/ family, that was such an amazing day." Not "oh yes that's the day I was a big old bitch and decided my BF couldn't stand up there with me because she didn't wear the right dress size. I sure am proud of that moment!"

From what you've said, no doubt her sister will convince her that she's done the right thing, and you're being unreasonable. But you are not. Weddings just mess with some people's minds. I'm sorry.

notso · 30/04/2013 10:10

Shock what a hateful woman.

echt · 30/04/2013 10:11

YABU about expecting her to ask you to be the MOH.

You are soo NOT BU to be insulted by her gratuitous reasoning.

Quelle arse. Bin.

ChasedByBees · 30/04/2013 10:32

There's no way I'd go to her wedding. What an awful thing to say.

Peevish · 30/04/2013 11:00

What a vile thing to say. Do update on whether she was embarrassed on the school run. I cannot imagine the mind of someone who thought this was an acceptable 'excuse' for her bridesmaid lineup. I have come across on more than one occasion, though, women who made their bridesmaids go on diets, though! Always wondered how that conversation went.

'X, I would like you to be my bridesmaid.'
'Oh, thanks, wow!'
'But only if you lose two stone between now and the wedding. Here's the Weightwatchers phone number. You're not offended, are you?'
'????'

JParkson · 30/04/2013 11:02

YANBU!

If I were you, I would gently drift apart, and consider not going to the wedding... sorry! If she values your friendship, she should make the effort to keep you IMHO

I wish you had been my maid of honour!

I wanted my friend as mine, and she pulled out for no apparent reason. We had a massive fight over it all, and I walked away in tears. I twigged later that she was horribly self-concious about her size. I just wish she'd said so to me. I wasn't exactly Miss Skinny, and my other bridesmaids were slightly slimmer but not stick thin either. She would have been the curviest of us all, but I didn't care about that. I just wanted her there with me.

It hurt that she wasn't there, and we didn't speak for years. But we cleared the air a few years ago, and now we're closer than ever. Daft thing is, she's bigger now than she was then, and I'm slimmer! Oh well. It's a funny ol' world!

specialsubject · 30/04/2013 11:07

my jaw is still hurting from where it crashed into the floor at this.

she's told you that you are too ugly to be in her photos. I think that tells you the quality of this friendship. You could just hope that it is the bridezilla madness and just a temporary bout of stupidity - but TBH, waste no more oxygen on her.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 30/04/2013 11:11

I recall my best friend making sure we all had input on the dresses we had to wear, which I really appreciated. I was actually a good size at the time, but definitely had wobbly bits. Thankfully, so did her older sister, so when they all tried on dresses, she was able to steer them away from the backless numbers. Grin It's not something a naturally slim person would think about, but it's a good example of a bad dress style for a larger size.

It's a shame your friend didn't just say something JParkson! I'm glad you've cleared the air with her now. :)

FriendlyLadybird · 30/04/2013 11:29

She went out of her way to tell you that? She's either really stupid or spectacularly unpleasant.

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