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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be annoyed that my friends havent helped?

171 replies

toomuchtoask · 20/04/2013 20:37

I have just moved house. My friends are well aware I've been stressed with it. It has needed a complete refurb which wasn't expected. I haven't had a moment to think for about a month. Have any of my friends helped? Nope of course not. Even when specifically asked if they can come. Aibu to be annoyed or aibu to think they would help? They did offer but then they kept making excuses. I would help anyone out but I feel let down that I'm barely a second thought for them.

OP posts:
emsyj · 20/04/2013 20:45

What is it that you wanted them to do and what is their home situation?

I've got to be honest, doing DIY/cleaning/painting etc in someone else's house is the last thing I would ever do. My own house is in a shoddy state, if I was going to pick up a paint brush I would be doing my own bedroom. In general I am keen to do people favours, I will give you a lift anywhere anytime, babysit gladly, lend you even my most precious possessions - but I'm not doing manual labour for you!

Also, if you want people to give up their free time you have to be aware of how much/little free time they have. For those who work/have children etc the weekend is precious and they may be willing to donate an hour or three, but not a whole day/weekend. YAprobablyBU but need more info.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/04/2013 20:50

YABU I think. I wouldn't expect friend's

maddening · 20/04/2013 20:50

Depends on their situations - right now in my life I would not be able to help you with your refurb.

My house needs work - if we had a chance we would work on out house first.

I have in the past helped with a friends house move - offered my car and petrol and time and lifting boxes etc.

If you want guaranteed help you will need to pay for it if no one available.

edwardsmum11 · 20/04/2013 20:52

Yabu, their world's don't revolve around you.

Original poster
toomuchtoask · 20/04/2013 20:53

Yes it was simple DIY stuff. Moving boxes. Cleaning. Mix of family and work situations. I was only asking for an hour or so. Certainly not a whole day. Just feel so stressed that I've been left to do it myself when I have no one to help.

OP posts:
awkwardsis · 20/04/2013 20:55

Seriously, no. I was so so touched when my best friend and her eh helped me on my own moving day. But no way would I expect help in the new house with cleaning or things like that. If you'd asked them to have dc overnight so you could get noisy/messy jobs done and unpacking then that's different, I'd gladly help a friend with that.

Original poster
toomuchtoask · 20/04/2013 20:56

Edwardsmum11 I think that's quite harsh. I wasn't expected their worlds to revolve around mine. Just asking for a bit of support and help. I thought that's what friends would do for each other. I certainly would.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/04/2013 20:56

Well you haven't been 'left' to do it yourself, in that it isn't anyone's responsibility but yours.

These things take time, you can't expect to get it all done in a day or even a weekend.

YoniLovesChachi · 20/04/2013 20:56

YABU. It sounds like a huge favour, to help someone refurbish a home.

1Catherine1 · 20/04/2013 20:56

I think YA probably BU too. Sorry. I hate doing all these things when I'm the one doing the moving so would be unlikely to want to do them for anyone else.

I could possibly see your point of view if you just wanted a friend to look after your LO while you did the actual moving, where having a child around could be dangerous. Or for the odd hour while you did something else that may be hazardous for a child. Apart from that though, moving home is stressful but something we all do and deal with. I've moved house 5 times in the last 5 years (2 of these were in a 6 month period) due to various reasons, and when I only asked for help with looking after my daughter on the weekend we were moving and I asked my sister.

maddening · 20/04/2013 20:57

Why do you think they are obliged to help? What is your situation? Do you have family?

If your friends have dc and work I think yabu.

BIWI · 20/04/2013 20:57

If you've asked them, and they have refused, then YANBU.

If you just expect them to help you, then YABU. You are an adult, and moving house is something you should be able to sort out on your own.

Original poster
toomuchtoask · 20/04/2013 20:57

Alibaba. It hasn't been a day or weekend. It's been a month.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 20/04/2013 20:58

did you actually ask for specific things rather than generic 'help'? TBH - i wouldn't think to offer help to shift boxes etc, I'm not up to that, I might offer to have your DCs for a couple of hours so you could get on with jobs, but I wouln't think to do those jobs for you...

deleted203 · 20/04/2013 20:59

I'm a bit torn here. I don't think YABU to be annoyed they couldn't give a bit of help. Agree with all those saying you can't expect people to give up a day to come and help you decorate or do DIY - but on the other hand it wouldn't perhaps have killed them to give you a hand for an hour or so.

It's bloody hard work moving house all alone, and it would have been nice if someone had offered to help a bit.

maddening · 20/04/2013 21:00

Man with a van and a spring cleaning service are available.

I have been rushing to clean my house pre op and new job as soon as am recovered. Used the few mornings my ds has been at his new preschool (getting used to it prior to my working) - cleqning my arse off - only got so far and want the place sparkling so have paid for 5 hours spring clean next Saturday - best £50 I'll spend this week.

Original poster
toomuchtoask · 20/04/2013 21:03

Sat here in tears now. I can't bloody do this anymore.

OP posts:
MrsMelons · 20/04/2013 21:03

I would never ask friends to come and help me in a situation like that unless it was something very specific such as asking someone stronger than me to help DH move something heavy but I wouldn't expect it and would tend to ask family.

I would feel uncomfortable if someone asked me - I am a bit of a pushover and always say yes but actually have no spare time to do my own stuff in between paid work, voluntary work, house, kids MN

As akwardsis said - I often help with babysitting when people are moving etc but even then it can be a struggle as last time I did this for a 'moving' day I had my friends 2 YO all day (on my only day off when my DCs were at school) and she was supposed to collect him at 5 and turned up at 8pm so I ended up with my 4 YO not going to bed as my friends DS was here plus a screaming 2 YO who had never been away from their parents that long and was shattered!

YoniLovesChachi · 20/04/2013 21:05

Most people muddle through tricky situations as best they can and consider favours along the way as a bonus, not an expectation. If you want guaranteed elbow grease, you have to at least offer an incentive eg cash or a trade of skills.

MrsMelons · 20/04/2013 21:05

Sorry you are feeling like that, you need to just do it a bit at a time, you haven't really said much about your situation so maybe it is hard for us on MN to actually give any advice - sounds like there is more to it?

bedmonster · 20/04/2013 21:07

I think you're stressed and probably knackered. Major house refurbishments are stressful, I have experienced them, and am having them at the moment. The house looks like a building site at the moment (because it is) and add to the fact that you've just moved in too, I don't think YABU in that it would have been nice to have some help in the form of a bit of childcare for an hour or 2 on a few occasions if you have DC, and I have helped family decorate and move boxes etc when moving.
However, I do think YABU to have expected help. People have their own commitments and families and really, not many will want to give up their own time to help shift a few boxes or clean someone elses house (although I have often done this and would hate any of my friends or family to be struggling).
I hope things get better for you soon.

Original poster
toomuchtoask · 20/04/2013 21:08

Thanks Mrsmelons. Basically I am completely alone doing this. Physically I am a wreck and can't afford to pay people to help.

OP posts:
mmmuffins · 20/04/2013 21:10

YABU. It would be very nice if they did help you a bit, but they are not bad friends if they don't. I would certainly be Hmm if someone asked me to come over and clean their house.

You sound very overwhelmed but it is not your friends' fault.

MadBusLady · 20/04/2013 21:12

Is this not just about the house move?

Moving house is hideous - we moved last month and I am still surrounded by boxes! I'm not surprised you're feeling rubbish. But YABU to expect friends to pitch in (unless they specifically committed to a time/task and didn't turn up or something). We all have to get through it.

Any money you spend on professional movers/cleaners is the best money you'll spend in the whole shebang IME.

MrsMelons · 20/04/2013 21:13

In that case maybe you need to speak to your friends and tell them how you are feeling, ask them to come round, get in some wine and food and see if they can help do stuff with you.

Alternatively, just do a room at a time and you will get there. I am fairly sure if you tell them how bad you are feeling at least one person will help.

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