to be annoyed that my friends havent helped?

[toomuchtoask]

I have just moved house. My friends are well aware I've been stressed with it. It has needed a complete refurb which wasn't expected. I haven't had a moment to think for about a month. Have any of my friends helped? Nope of course not. Even when specifically asked if they can come. Aibu to be annoyed or aibu to think they would help? They did offer but then they kept making excuses. I would help anyone out but I feel let down that I'm barely a second thought for them.

OP it sounds like you're going through a very rough time and I'm not surprised you feel a bit sad and alone, but I don't think you can expect people to offer help and help with a task that is clearly overwhelming you, let alone anyone who isn't it that situation, IYSWIM.

What have you asked for help with? Have you asked for specific things/times, rather than a generic 'my house needs refurbing, help!' type request? Do your friends know the extent of the situation?

Op did you buy the house or are you renting it? If it is a rental and not liveable then should the landlord be putting it right.

What exactly needs doing - can you come up with a list from room to room?

Is all your stuff in your new house now?

What are the biggest tasks that you feel you will not be able to achieve at all with no help?

Do you have dc?

Depending on where you stay and what needs done there may be some voluntary organisations who might be able to help.

Are you in a trade union at work? They might have a charitable wing to help members in need.

If you give me a rough idea of your location I can do a bit of research for you.

Okay let's try to help. What room is most important for you to get sorted first? Living room? Kitchen? Just pick one. Make a list of what needs doing in 3 columns... Immediately, ASAP, Long term. And then let us help get you going on the immediately column.

I'm not exactly sure where I've drip fed but apologies if I have done.

It is a bought house. Of course I viewed it first, twice. It had a mid range survey on it too.

Turns out that people are very good at hiding damage. Floor boards broken and need replacing (so I don't go through the floor/ceiling), counter needs replacing as an average size washing machine won't fit in. Holes in walls that were obviously hidden by furniture and pictures. Skirting missing where furniture was. Electrics needed re doing (hence no money now). etc etc. The list goes on. Every little job uncovers something else that needs doing e.g. yesterday I filled a hole in the wall with filler and when I came to sand it about 10 hours later huge chunks of plaster came off as the wall had been badly repaired in the past. Other walls the same. I can't just bung wallpaper up as the walls are full of huge bumps and holes which were hidden on viewing. I am having to sand, fill and smooth every wall.

I am a train wreck. My body hurts, I am constantly in tears and right now I want to shut the bloody door and never see the place again. My lovely new home is a shit heap.

My stuff is still between the two places as I am having to move it myself. I have less than a week to properly move out.

I think you need to lower your expectations to be honest.
From what you have said it needs work done ( as do most houses) so it is perfectly liveable in.
If it is wind and watertight then you have the basics so everything else can be done in order of priority as and when funds allow.

I think if i knew my friend was moving alone and knew she was having difficulties, as a friend and halfway decent person you would offer your help.

I agree that you need to lower your expectations. Getting the electrics sorted is one thing, but you don't need to have perfect walls to just move in and then sort things gradually as you have time.

Maybe this is what your friends feel, that their houses are less than perfect too so why should they prioritise making yours perfect?

Focus on getting your things moved and then the stress of the deadline is removed.

We moved in two years ago and had to do electrics and a new roof pretty much straight away. Left us with no money to do anything else and we are working room to room to do the rest. Our sellers did a lot of hiding (and lying) too

Focus on making the house safe and leave the walls etc for now. It sounds like you are piling stuff up on your plate. Write a list of everything that needs to be done. Highlight the ones that are safety issues and move te cosmetic ones to a 'later' list. You can do this but it will take time.

Focus on moving the rest of your stuff. Personally, I wouldn't offer to help a friend move but if they called up and asked and explained I would.

You can do this.

I fully understand that you must be massively fed up and disappointed.
I think you need to priortise.

Firstly, get everything from the old house.

Holes in walls don't need filling in right now.
Decorating doen't need doing right now.
The washing machine would be useful though.
Floor boards - well they are unlikely to go through this week.
Skirting missing - not really an urgent problem.

Think of it as a long term project.

Lots of people live in a building project!

move your stuff first.

shut everything that you don't need day to day in a spare room and ignore that.

ignore the decor and plaster.

clean the rooms you are living in - kitchen, bathroom, bedroom (which can be your living room too if you are living alone)

make floorboards safe.

then detail the jobs in each room and establish how much materials will cost. Which jobs can you do yourself? If the plaster is awful can you strip back to the wall and replaster? Are any of your friends in "the trade"?

you may not be able to afford skilled work now but you can certainly prep the areas.

when you have asked friends for help what have been their reasons for not being able to? Is it a definite won't help or not able to right now? Tbh I can understand those with young dc havjng difficulty. Can you offer skills that they need in return for help?

and check what the survey covered - if there is stuff they should have checked you may have some recourse?

A lot of what you've listed sounds like it needs skilled repairs - I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable offering to do anything more than shifting some stuff about and a bit of cleaning.

Ok, the floorboards I need to know more about, but quite honestly I would not consider it a rally-round emergency if a friend of mine had had to survive a whole month without smooth walls and perfect skirting boards. I've spent my entire life in project houses like you're describing. I thought you were talking holes in the roof and no working bathroom.

Moving is horrible, I know - it's all so stressful and the place isn't like you remember. Was talking to my mum about this, she said she's been in tears on the first day in every new house she's moved to, including the current house, which she now loves! This is why people try not to move very often, I guess.

Priorities are:

• moving your stuff - definitely ask for help with this and make it clear you're struggling.
• getting a washing machine plumbed in. Is there room for it to sit in front of the worktop? As long as you can get round it to the rest of the kitchen it really doesn't matter that it's not in its final position for now.
• how bad are the floorboards? If the entire floor is unsafe, that definitely should have been picked up by the survey, and you will have some recourse, I'm sure. If it's just that a few are broken, put tape round them or light objects on them to remind yourself and put the repairs next on the list.

Thanks everyone. Guess its just me being an idiot. I just know I would have helped any of my friends. I maybe need to rethink that.

you are not being an idiot. sounds like an overwhelming situation.

i would ignore holes and skirting boards and decorating.

get electrics and counter top done. you HAVE to be safe and have to have a working washing machine.

otherwise, just slowly, room by room.

i lived in a building site for 5 years. awful, but needs must.

if anyone offers help, ACCEPT.

It does sound as though the stress of it all is getting to you - I know it must feel like an awful lot of work which you weren't expecting, but new skirting board and uneven walls don't really amount to a complete renovation (I was expecting you to say new roof/complete re-fit of essentials like kitchen and bathroom etc), but if you are only seeing the work that needs doing I can understand that it feels like that. I still think that maybe you are more in need of company than necessarily physical help as it sounds like what should have been an exciting move has turned out to be a bit of a disappointment and a larger job than you were hoping for, but I'm sure if you manage to get someone round for a cuppa and tour of the new place you might start to remember the reasons you bought it and feel a bit more positive.

On a practical note, a lot of washing machines have a section on top which is purely cosmetic and can be removed to make them fit under a unit if you are an inch or two short (can you tell we have had the same problem?!) so that might be worth investigating as you never actually see the top of it again once its installed. Good luck - I hope you can turn it into the home you were hoping for.

But you can't put yourself in their shoes. You sound overwhelmed and I don't blame you but TBH I think you have lost perspective and that you are looking for someone to blame. Again I don't blame you. I would definitely explore whether there is recourse against the surveyor - can you call Citizens Advice on your lunch break? Have you aaked everyone you can think of for help? If you put a plea on FB maybe someone will come of the woodwork. Someone might be able to lend you a van, but not paint, for example. If you male it sound like 'come on chaps, can everyone pitch in with one small thing' perhaps that would encourage people to get involved for the feelgood factor of helping, rather than feeling expected to do loads. Good luck.

I think that I wouldn't offer to help with those jobs, because I wouldn't know how to do them, but I would offer to have your DCs. It wouldn't occur to me you'd want help with stuff that if I was faced with in my house, I'd pay a professional to come round to do - I understand if you can't afford that you'd need to DIY it, but I wouldn't think you'd want someone who didn't know what they were doing to help.

As others have said, get it safe and usable, then work on the rest slowly. Did the previous owners have a washing machine in that space? Is it a case you could fit one in if you get the same make and model as theirs? could you sell yours and try to buy a second hand one that was similar to theirs? Might not be your dream one, but better than nothing until you can afford to replace the kitchen tops (we had to buy the same fridge as the previous owners had as nothing else fitted in the space in the kitchen, annoying as it was about £200 more than the one I had my eye on before I realised it was a tricky space)

Agree with Cravingdairy too - if you posted on FB you're having a hard time ,you might find some friends will be able to help with different bits, but the whole job might be too overwhelming for them.

Good lord, other than making sure the floorboards are safe (didn't you have the property checked before purchasing?) then nothing else is life threatening. It may not be pretty, but you've got a roof over your head, and there's a heap of things you can do yourself. I've been in this current property for two and a half years and I'm only just starting to see the light at the end of the reno tunnel. Yes, I hated the paint job, the carpet, the kitchen, the bathroom, the garden, the floorboards, the light fittings, the curtains, the door handles, etc, but none of it meant that I couldn't live in the house. I just work through, one room at a time, doing what I can, saving up for various trades to be done as I can afford them. I've never asked anyone for free help or expected anyone to help me get my house in the state I want it to be except for me.

I'm a full time working, part time studying, single parent and still don't sit back and sob and wait for my knight in shining armour to show up and save me. Stop playing the helpless female card. Most large hardware chains have free classes on the weekend that can teach your painting, tiling, basic plumbing, decorating, etc, and just set aside an hour a day to concentrate on one thing at a time to get it done. Do you really expect your friends to come over and solve your bad purchasing decisions by spending what could equate to months of free labour to get your house in to the state you want it to be?

I like to think I'm a good friend but would draw the line at doing up someone else's house . I would however offer to have the children/ make them some meals/do their food shopping so they could get on with it.

Yabvvvu nice If they help, if not its your responsibility. Take your time and do it in stages, don't expect