to be annoyed that my friends havent helped?

[toomuchtoask]

I have just moved house. My friends are well aware I've been stressed with it. It has needed a complete refurb which wasn't expected. I haven't had a moment to think for about a month. Have any of my friends helped? Nope of course not. Even when specifically asked if they can come. Aibu to be annoyed or aibu to think they would help? They did offer but then they kept making excuses. I would help anyone out but I feel let down that I'm barely a second thought for them.

I think the issue here is you need to take care of yourself and your own emotional health. I think as you go through life you realise there are very few people who will put themselves out for you to the extent that you are looking for. Learn from this - they will need help too sometime. I have been hurt by people but have now become very independent. I don't think it really is your friends responsibility to do your DIY though, being totally honest.
None of us can expect to live in a perfect house. Tackle one room at a time.. decorate it so that you learn to love it. That sense of achievement will give you a boost.
Whatever you do please don't moan to your friends about their lack of help unless you want to lose them. I have a friend who constantly moans that her MIL doesn't help, nobody helps and I have pulled away from her because I don't enjoy her company anymore.
If you are happy and positive in yourself - you may find people wanting to be there. I hope I am not too harsh in any of this. Look after yourself x

OP, I agree with the majority your priority right now is safe and livable.

So get your stuff into the new place in position so you can do day to day living, it sounds like you can at least keep it clean so don't entertain getting into the plastering and stuff for now. It's just not important and the dirt will get you down even more.

I think you implied the electrics were sorted now? That's a win so tick it off and try to stop yourself thinking about the money. I'm not being flippant, I know it's hard but it's done now and needed doing anyway.

Have a look at the options people have posted for the washing machine, but do you have a back up plan if you can't make any of them work? Can you go to and use someone elses? (Now if no-one lets you do that your friends abu )

You're friends aren't being unreasonable sweet, it really isn't that common for friends to be expected to help out with the level of DIY that you need a hand with, it's not UR to ask, but it is UR to expect them to be swarming round armed with sand paper and paintbrushes. I'm certainly not competent enough to help out and would be reluctant to fuck it up even more. Please try to put aside the mindset that this is some sort of slight against you, it really isn't.

This might not appeal to you, but I would be putting up fairy lights and anything temporary that might make the house more bearable to live in for the next few months while I worked my way through the rooms. I'd also be considering a house warming bbq while it doesn't matter too much what mess gets made. Not just to cheer myself up a bit, but to see what came of it. It's amazing who knows who and who can do certain things when you get chatting to people when things are relaxed.

When people offer to help with moving, this is what they mean, moving. They don't mean reburbing a home for someone. They don't mean decorating and cleaning. Not everyone is comfortable filling in holes, plastering walls, wallpapering etc. They shouldn't be made to feel bad because they cannot do it for whatever reasons.

The works that you need doing are cosmetic. They are not important to keep the roof and walls stable. These are things that everyone does when they move into a new home. They strip the walls to find holes in the walls. They find that skirting is missing or falling off. These are the jobs they do when they have moved in, and do over time.

I moved here. I had 3 dc's under 5. No partner, no family, and two loyal friends. The friends helped me move in physically. That was it. Not with the cleaning. Not with the works that needed doing - decorating, cleaning, flooring, kitchen, bathroom and toilet all needed doing, never mid the plumbing and electrics. And I worked full time. I prioritized the work. Because it all couldn't get done at the same time.

To be honest, I think most people have a better perspective of their own limitations.

You chose this house, you chose this time of year to move when you have no annual leave, you chose a house that has blown your budget, you did not realize it was a renovations project, you did not budget for repairs, nor for the move. You know your size and your strengths and weaknesses, yet you still went ahead despite all of the above.

If anything, blame your own budgeting and planning, not your friends!

Realistically speaking, are you expecting friends to lay floorboards? Rewiring? Drive back and forth with your boxes? That is one heck of an ask!

Well, I've lived in my house nearly 10 years now, and have some of those jobs that needs doing - why on earth do you think you need to do everything in a month ? .
When I posted earlier I wondered if I was missing something, but it seems you've bought a house, then got cross because all your friends haven't dropped everything they are trying to juggle in their own lives, to start on major decorating projects in your house. I'm completely bemused that you think anyone should .
If someone moves house, I think the normal ettiquette is to offer to look after young dc on the day for them, maybe (if you happen to be good at DIY) to offer to see if there is anything needs doing on the day - say plumbing in a washing machine... but obviously you need to have specific skills to do that, maybe dropping round a meal or some cakes, and, if you were really close to the person, offering to do the final clean round the empty house so the person who is moving can get all the stuff in at the other end. It does not include starting on a list of DIY projects when you've probably got a list of your own.
So yes, YABU.

I guess I got very lucky in the friends department... It just wouldn't occur to me, not to help out a friend in need, regardless of my own family pressures, which are considerable since I have a disabled child.

We bought our current house 6 years ago, knowing full well that we were buying a renovation project, that's why we chose it.

We certainly never asked or expected our friends to help, but they did, which is why we are currently returning the favour for one of those friends, as I said up thread. We are all a mixture of coupes/singles all with children and work commitments.

OP - I'm lucky in that I can turn my hand to most things in the DIY department, sounds like you are capable to a degree, I would therefor make a list of what needs doing, then tackle something each day. The place isn't what you expected (they never are) but try to break things down into priorities and give yourself a reasonable timescale to finish the work. You will get there... just takes time. There were many times that I thought we would never finish (we did most of the work ourselves) but we did and now have a lovely family home... you will too.

Good luck.

Did you ask for specific help at specific times, toomuchtoask? Or were you just hoping that people would come forward to volunteer?

Maybe your friends simply don't realise how much help you actually needed?

It does sound like you have had a very poor survey done, if you weren't aware of all this work, and I'd be going back to them to complain.

If the house genuinely needs full renovation (that's not what your description sounds like though...) and the survey didn't point out all the major work (including need for new electrics) then you should be taking action against the company who did the survey.

Anyway, most of what needs doing requires skill (as others have said) and so isn't realistic to expect friends to do. The house we live in we bought 4 years ago and it still needs a huge amount of work - such is life. If I (or DH) had a spare day or spare weekend, the last thing I would do is spend it doing cosmetic work on someone else's house that badly needs doing in my own house. I might, however, spend the day taking that person's kids to the zoo, or making dinner for them. Your expectations sound a bit high to be honest - and I say that as a person who would gladly do a favour for more or less anybody, friend or not.

I think most people move house and carry out refurbishments without expecting others to help out for free. I've done both, more than once, and have never expected or been offered help from friends. Don't cry about it, just cope, like everyone else. Do what you can when you can. If it takes years, it takes years. I had to wait 6 years for a functioning kitchen. Not fun, but survivable.

We live in a perpetual state of renovation. We've been here 5 years and accomplished loads - but still. It's not finished.

My folks help me out sometimes - they come over on a weekend and sometimes they will do a tip run for me, yesterday we worked on the garden together - their main role is to babysit though, so my mother holds the baby and talks to the others while me and dad put stuff in the car and do the heavy work.

I've put in a new kitchen and bathroom mainly by myself, built a walk-in chicken run, tiled floors and walls, screeded, painted...but then I really enjoy this kind of thing. I have no partner either.

I just want you to know that it can be done. Yes it takes time and you sound overwhelmed, which isn't surprising but that will wear off gradually. Go easy on yourself - you just moved in.

Oh and I have a male friend whom I have helped out numerous times - including digging up his concrete patio with pick axes and loading it into a skip.

Has he ever helped with my projects? No.

I did it because I enjoyed it and it was great fun and I fancied him a bit but after a while I thought, fuck this, I could be doing my own stuff.

I can't comment on your friends as I don't know them but fwiw, maybe they are the kind of people who don't like DIY or cleaning. Or maybe they have kids? Stop feeling bitter and take a few small steps into the work you have on. I guarantee you will feel better.

I have a friend who us in a similar situation to you OP. Recently moved, massively stressed, and overwhelmed by it all - however a lot of that is exacerbated by unrealistic expectations (how long it will take to sort things out, what she can manage etc).

I do sympathise, because moving is a very stressful business and I'm not planning to do it again anytime soon if I can help it.

Maybe it would be helpful to write a lost of what needs doing, then once you've done that, divide it into what's essential and what can wait - break it down into manageable chunks.

Moving is horrible and I think houses are often worse than you expect and will consume more time and money than you thought. I'm not going to berate you for a lack of planning/contingency plans; it's too late. I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed; it will get better. I think once you've prioritised the very urgent stuff, it's sometimes worth doing a room at a time. At least then you can see progress and have safe havens away from the broken/dirty/dilapidated.

When I moved house I had tonnes of help from my parents and during about a year's worth of repairs/renovations. My sister visited and unpacked a box of kitchen stuff. When others have moved, I've spent half a day cleaning for my sister and half a day painting for my best friend. I would be unlikely to help other friends, although I wouldn't rule it out.

I think it is unreasonable to expect other people to help. Unless there's been a reciprocal agreement, then you can hope for modest offers of help, but you can't guarantee them.

I think you need to be realistic about what happens when you buy a new house, especially a fixer upper.

I'm finally getting my new kitchen and appliances installed tomorrow (can't wait!!!!!!). I've lived her for two and a half years. In that time, I've been dealing with the ugliest kitchen cabinets ever designed, with handles that fell off half the time, and doing all my cooking on a tiny little benchtop oven that can't hold anything bigger than a small pan. I've survived. I'm not living in third world conditions, just not my own ideal conditions. (But I'm sure as heck going to enjoy my first roast dinner in two and a half years tomorrow night!)

You prioritise the jobs, you work out what you can do yourself, you spend your weekends up to the elbows in paint tins and sandpaper and you save up for the rest. It may take six months, it may take years. But it sure as heck feels good when you can step back and look at a room and know you've worked and saved hard to get it exactly how you want it.

If it's any consolation toomuch I've been in my house for three and a half years and I'm still not completely unpacked!

I also need a new kitchen, bathroom...it's all functional but sorely needs replacing..and don't get me started on the electrics .

YANBU.

I recently spent a full weekend helping my friend (recently split from her DH) move into her new house then painting the whole bloody thing :-)

I would have much rather spent my weekend with my DP (I work long hours during the week) but what are friends for eh?

It sounds like the majority of what you have to do is cosmetic stuff, not urgent stuff. Most people have stuff like that that they need to dedicate time to in their own ones unles they have a lot of money and can pay people to do everything.

I think you are expecting too much if you want friends to take time away from sorting their own homes, or use up childcare favours to help ou with stuff that doesn't really matter that much like skirting boards. Like I said earlier in the thread, I do understand as I had to re do literally everything when I moved house as a single mum, but you and I are lucky to own homes. There is only so much you can reasonably expect from other people.

Have you no family to help? If you write a proper list prioritising what needs done in order to move in then you will be able to break it down, making it more manageable - decorating is a weekend job after you have moved IMO it is not an emergency/or a job friends help with unless they love it and offer. Your main priority is to move & leave your previous house in tidy/ clean condition. Everything will fall into place after that. Fixing floorboards isn't something I could do easily but if I was stuck I would google how to do it and then give it a go.

You sound very stressed - you need to take 15 minutes to go somewhere and just relax.

I have to say you have my sympathy though. I have friends/family that will help& have helped with all our many moves & we reciprocate any way we can. Last move my sil came and helped me clean & pack whilst my dad, brother and his friend helped us move furniture, my mother looked after the dc. They do this for other friends, travelling long distances to do it - my brother will be moving soon and I will help any way I can. Good family and friends will rally round. I have helped a good friend who had a house to clean for a march out, but I offered! I did have the time though and she has helped me way more than that tiny bit of cleaning! So I don't think YABU to ask for help, but be specific, maybe asking certain people for an hour doing x thing and when?

Good luck with the move, ime everything that really needs doing gets done and all the rest follows as and when! Prioritise, keep your energy up, and get plenty of sleep.

4 foot 8?

Op why are you so short?

Can I recommend a structured programme of lifting weights to help you build up more strength? Just be careful to choose a strength programme and not a body building one, you don't want to become muscle bound.

Good luck...

Orla - wow.

You sound like superwoman. Are you my neighbour?

From the OP's first post on MN:

"How do you say thank you for a huge thing. It's a long story but a family member has just bought me a house. I will then pay them rent and will get a lodger in to give them more rent. I am massively grateful.

How the heck do you say thank you for something like that? I have already wrote a letter to them saying how much I value them and how much their kindness has meant to me but I don't feel like this is enough (especially as they have given up a month of their time to decorate it - they are retired). I have also taken them out for meals."

So I'm a bit confused as to just what kind of state this house actually is in, if your relative has spent a month decorating it?

gerrof & Rhonda

Are you 'sizeist'?

OP, you sound like you are really stressed. but I don't know anyone who has had a friend help them when they moved house.

have you helped anyone when they moved?

I think you are expecting too much of your friends, too much of your house and too much of yourself.

forget about the house until you feel better in yourself. get fitter and you will feel better.