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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and a colleague

321 replies

appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 20:52

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 17/04/2013 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimstar · 17/04/2013 20:56

No, I wouldn't like this either. Female friends that were already established before the relationship, that doesn't bother me too much, but no this I wouldn't like. I'm not too keen when DH is out with a group that includes female colleagues, even though I obviously don't say anything.

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 20:57

Hes a social person I suppose and says he does not see the difference between male and female. The weird thing is I do trust him but its the whole emotional affair thing.

OP posts:
BriansBrain · 17/04/2013 20:58

Why do they need to go out in the evening, what can't they discuss during the day?

IsThatTrue · 17/04/2013 21:00

I think YABU. Men are perfectly capable of having platonic relationships with the opposite sex (as are women). If you trust your husband as you say, then the only thing you could have issue with is him going out while you're stuck at home. In which case talk to him and arrange a time for you to go out while he has the dcs.

If your issue is the fact he's out having dinner with a woman then you do not trust him as you say you do.

Thing33 · 17/04/2013 21:00

He's taking another woman out for dinner and drinks? No I would not be happy with that. DH would never even consider this ok to do. I can't understand why this woman thinks it would be ok to do, is she married?

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 21:00

I wish I new!

OP posts:
seriouscakeeater · 17/04/2013 21:01

No, I would like this. YANBU. When are they going? In fact I would tell my DH not to take the fucking piss. Is the colleague a boss? What would they be discussing? work or just socialising?

KLou111 · 17/04/2013 21:01

Would he have dinner with a male colleague?
Not sure I would be happy with this tbh and I totally trust my dh 100%

Gossipmonster · 17/04/2013 21:02

I can totally see where you are at and wouldn't like it either.

BUT I been the "colleague" with a married guy who I did not fancy at all (nor he me) we were just really really good friends.

His wife HATED it and was very jealous and possessive about it (we used to go for lunch sometimes).

It made me quite sad as when he left it was very difficult to stay in touch (we still are 6 yrs on).

Corygal · 17/04/2013 21:03

I wouldn't fancy it and I am not the jealous type. The road to trouble is paved with good intentions and all that.

Next time he books it, fix a babysitter and go too.

IsThatTrue · 17/04/2013 21:03

Ok looking at everyone elses response maybe IABU and not you op. I don't see the problem with it.

Wishiwasanheiress · 17/04/2013 21:03

If the tables were turned and u met a dad for coffee and play dates would he say "it's fine ur friends?"

If the answers yes, truly yes, ill eat my lovely Treacy hat.

MaeMobley · 17/04/2013 21:03

DH does this too. I am not 100% happy but feel like an untrusting idiot to say so.

He has never given me any cause for concern but I do feel uneasy.

ClartyCarol · 17/04/2013 21:04

Does she have a partner? My gut feeling is I wouldn't be happy about it, you're right - it does feel like a date. Why can't he invite her for dinner at your home if he's determined to be sociable with her, then you can get to know her too and you're not left at home feeling resentful.

MaeMobley · 17/04/2013 21:05

I am friends with the female colleagues on FB and have met them in real life.

EverybodysSootyEyed · 17/04/2013 21:06

i wouldn't be happy - be the colleague male or female! what's wrong with lunchtime!

i hate how my dh arranges things in the evening because it's just assumed i will be home with the kids. and he does the whole 'well you could too' but when I organise something it is always a rigmarole finding a date he isn't working/travelling/already out and then he gets shitty and tells me to arrange the babysitter but that's not the point!

if he then used his evenings to socialise with people he is with all day and i am stuck on my own i would be really annoyed. in this situation i would be tempted to say 'tell you what, let's arrange the babysitter and you can take me out instead'

MunchMunch · 17/04/2013 21:07

Are they going out while they talk shop?

If not, yanbu. I know people say if it was a man he was with you wouldn't bat an eyelid but sometimes I think it has a grass being greener onthe other side type of effect even if it doesn't start that way. No interuptions from kids, no having to listen how different/awful/stressful your day was instead being able to talk about the job or having a laugh at a relaxed pace.

Its also unfair on you, regardless of friends gender, as you've been home and would probably like to have time with your dh

NonnoMum · 17/04/2013 21:07

Totally unacceptable.

He needs to man up and get home and give you a break rather than discussing the wine list with a colleague...

MrsWolowitz · 17/04/2013 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClartyCarol · 17/04/2013 21:08

WishIWasAnHeiress is right - if you met a SAHD at a playgroup and hit it off with him, then you announced to your DH that the pair of you were going out for dinner one night, would he be ok with it?

My arse he would.

Khaleese · 17/04/2013 21:08

No way! she would be welcome to meet us both but that's the line.

I have male friends but they are from long before "us"

Hemlet · 17/04/2013 21:08

No I would not be happy for my husband to go out for an evening meal with a female Co worker he'd just become friends with. It's an inappropriate thing to do and also unnecessary. With a group, fine. Why go for a cosy dinner for 2? I wouldn't give a shit if that made me unreasonable.

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 17/04/2013 21:08

Really, truly? It's not okay to go out for drinks with a friend/colleague of the opposite sex? Both DH and I have numerous friends we've met through work who we see socially, without the other. In fact DH is seeing one of them tomorrow night - hadn't occurred to me to worry! Maybe I should...

Seriously, this wouldn't be an issue if you trusted him, would it? It's nice to go out, to chat to other people. Doesn't mean an affair is on the cards. Don't you have male friends you see sometimes?

Or am I being hopelessly naïve?

HazardLamps · 17/04/2013 21:08

I'm in agreement with IsThatTrue. There's no reason why a man and a woman, married or not, can't just be friends. I agree too that if you have an issue with being stuck at home with the children you need to address this and arrange to spend some time with friends of your own, male or female.