Husband and a colleague

[appleNblackberry]

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

[twentythirteen]

I have male friends and my oh has female friends, and from time to time we meet up with our firends on our own. If you can't trust your oh then it doesn't matter if he has your "permission". My OH and I are not flirst. If you behave respectably to your oh and with your colleagues then I can't see the problem. And I would "just announce" that I had plans to meet up with a friend, of any gender, as would oh, because it isn't a problem. The only thing we check out with each other is whether it's ok to go out, not who we are spending that time with.

[Sallystyle]

Exactly, BOF.

I have male friends, ones I met before my DH. I won't be making new friends and taking them for meals though, DH would hate it and he isn't even the jealous or possessive type, we just know how these things can start out. We don't have blinkers on and we don't think that either of us is super-human who would never cross the line if we started to take out members of the opposite sex for cozy meals.

I would think he had gone crazy if he ever thought it was appropriate.

[chandellina]

You have to trust your instinct, if it feels like a threat it probably is. Some situations with female friends or colleagues feel fine and others just don't.

I also totally disagree with the view that a cheater is a cheater - most affairs are the result of proximity and opportunity. In other words, they just happen.

[OrangeLily]

I'm quite surprised by how many people's posts are saying that they wouldn't be OK with it.

Both me and DH have friends of the opposite sex and wouldn't think twice about going out with them. We don't have kids yet do don't have the same responsibilities but I don't tend to 'ask' DH if I can go out, although may check it doesn't clash with plans. More often than not I'll pop it in our shared calendar. Bringing your spouse along to a meal/drinks with a colleague is boring for them sometimes because its filled with inane work drivel.

Sorry but if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat whether you ban one dinner or not. Sex doesn't just happen at night!

[appleNblackberry]

madenning I though of doing that - the thing is I am not normally a bunny boiler - but like I said whats wrong with the lady in her 60's you have to play devils advocate in your mind here?

[Catmint]

Assuming there is nothing more than a friendship, I guess the hurtful issue is why you are being excluded from the friendship. It would be much better to invite the colleague over to a family dinner and drinks. Once you have met her, you can make up your own mind whether you feel comfortable with them continuing an out of hours friendship. Maybe he can stay in with kids and you and she can go out in future.

Seriously, this is how me and DP handle it when one of us meets a nice new friend, of either gender. One of his female friends, I think he was a bit smitten with her, and she was lovely, I could see why. Fast forward several years, she is probably closer to me than him, and she babysits our dd so we can go out occasionally.

[Hemlet]

I've become friends with men since I met my husband and vice versa but I'd never go on a date with one of them. If you (the royal you) don't mind your husband going on dates then good for you.

[chandellina]

And sex is a lot more likely in the evening after a few drinks, no matter who is involved!

[MunchMunch]

Everyone seems fixated with the opinion that op's dh wants to cheat. I really dont think this is the case and probably in his mind he doesnt, he just wants to socialise with a new friend but he may find that they likes each other more than friends or maybe that shes only ok in small doses.

[appleNblackberry]

Most of the women Ive known who have been cheated on have been really naive and relaxed about what there husbands get up t0 - I think its because most men don't set out to have an affair it just happens from spending time together.

[Taffeta]

I wonder if she's cancelled as her DH doesn't like it?

[appleNblackberry]

thats what i thought

[LightTheLampNotTheRat]

But how do you define a 'date', Hemlet? Meeting someone for a social purpose at a set time in a set place, one-on-one? That applies to lots of situations though. What makes it date-like - if at least one of you fancies the other?

Is my DH going on a date tomorrow night, I ask myself...

[StuntGirl]

I think that's what you need to pull him up on apple, the fact that he's unilaterally deciding what you're both doing with your time - him going on nice meals out and you stuck at home with the kids. Now I'm sure you don't actually mind staying in with the kids, and would offer if he discussed it, but it's the fact he's making that decision for you iyswim?

Any night out that is going to impact on the other one should be discussed and agreed upon imo. And I don't even mean some massive military operation style thing, just a "Me and Kate were thinking of going out on Tuesday, would you mind if I went out?" and then you can say "No problem" or "I'd rather not this week" accordingly.

[sleeplessbunny]

Is this genuinely to do with trust, or could it be you are unhappy that he has chosen not to spend this time with you?

I only ask because I have been in a similar situation, and felt a bit neglected by DP when I was on maternity leave. I would get jealous of him spending time with other people, particularly 1 on 1, as I wanted to spend more time with him and didn't often get the chance. But I had the same feelings whoever he was out with, male or female.

It took me a while to work out what the feeling was, and longer to express it properly, but when I did it was all fixed

[Sallystyle]

Orange that isn't really the point is it? of course if he has already decided to have sex with her he is going to do it whether or not they go for this meal. The whole point is that affairs often start off innocently like this with no intention whatsoever of fucking taking place.

He probably doesn't want an affair right now, but dates with another woman could sure lead to that if feelings and boundaries become blurred.

[appleNblackberry]

basically my DH being travelling a lot he always gos out for drinks as part of social bonding at the end of the week which is fine but at the beginning of the week I was on the phone to him and she phoned up to cancel dinner and a drink - trying not to say too much here which is when it all came out as I asked jokingly who it was ect. And I added up that this is who hes been out with before. I do think its Innocent but it made me feel like they couldn't wait to go out together rather than taking time to get bored during the week?

[appleNblackberry]

good advice stuntgirl

[appleNblackberry]

yes that how i feel samu2

[cheeseandpineapple]

Does sound a bit odd and I say that as someone with a few male friends who I have dinner and drinks with on my own but a work colleague for dinner is different unless your partner also knows them in some way too and the colleague has morphed into a genuine friend.

OP, tell your DH that there's a dad at school who you're quite friendly with and you'd like to go out for dinner with him one night, just the two of you and that you'll need DH to babysit that night.

He might finally see where you're coming from on this because even if he's saying you can do the same, when you spell it out like that, it should sound a bit ?? even to him.

[appleNblackberry]

chesseanddpineapple you cheered me up and made me smile

[cheeseandpineapple]

Give it a bash! In fact you could say you can't decide whether to go out for dinner with this other dad or the cinema and just "hang out" and are there any films he (DH) can suggest that might be any good?

[appleNblackberry]

It is subtle this thing it just makes me feel a bit crap

[Hemlet]

Light, if your DH is going for dinner with his new friend to get to know her better then maybe.

[appleNblackberry]

Thanks everyone